Distraught after husband leaves because I cannot have his child

[Wifey2]

My husband left me for a woman he’s known since their childhood. We got married last year but dated for 6 years. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage but he doesn’t have kids. We confirmed last year that my tubes were blocked. His old friend who also has 2 kids from previous relationships has agreed to have a child for him and now they are seeing each other. They connected last year after her mom died right before our wedding.  Some say I should move on some say wait until he comes back to me. I am I. Shambles. What do I do? 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Wifey2 said:

some say wait until he comes back to me.

Who in their right mind is telling you this? It's awful advice. 

20 minutes ago, Wifey2 said:

They connected last year after her mom died right before our wedding.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but they've likely been carrying on an affair since then. 

22 minutes ago, Wifey2 said:

What do I do?

Contact a good lawyer and file for divorce. Your marriage is already over, unforunately. He has chosen someone else. I'm sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Wifey2 said:

My husband left me for a woman he’s known since their childhood. We got married last year but dated for 6 years. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage but he doesn’t have kids.His old friend who also has 2 kids from previous relationships has agreed to have a child for him and now they are seeing each other.

Sorry this happened. Are you legally separated? Where is he living? Have you consulted an attorney regarding annulment/divorce? 

How old is he? Was this old friend (mistress) presented as a surrogate? 

[Wifey2]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Are you legally separated? Where is he living? Have you consulted an attorney regarding annulment/divorce? 

How old is he? Was this old friend (mistress) presented as a surrogate? 

Thanks. Not legally separated but we live apart. It’s a long distance relationship. I haven’t consulted a lawyer. Barely making it through the days.

He is 40. 5 year difference and I am his senior.

Old friend was not presented as a mistress. He was there for her while she grieved and feels like she owes him. 

[Wifey2]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Who in their right mind is telling you this? It's awful advice. 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but they've likely been carrying on an affair since then. 

Contact a good lawyer and file for divorce. Your marriage is already over, unforunately. He has chosen someone else. I'm sorry. 

Thanks for the feedback. 

[NuevoYorko]

Why are you married and in a long distance relationship?  Why don't you live together?  

The advice to wait for him to come back is truly terrible advise.  Why would your friends expect that he'd return,  when he lives far away and is actively in a relationship with someone else - with whom he's planning to have a child?

I'm sincerely sorry to be harsh, but there is no indication that there's anything to hold onto here.  

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Wifey2 said:

Old friend was not presented as a mistress. He was there for her while she grieved and feels like she owes him. 

I'm sorry but that is BS. I really hope you don't believe that. 

They are having an affair and planning to have a family together. Perhaps she is already pregnant and he's trying to find a way to tell you without taking much accountability. Either way, your marriage is toast, OP. Please, contact a good attorney and initative divorce proceedings. There is no future with him. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Wifey2 said:

 we live apart. It’s a long distance relationship.

He is 40. 5 year difference and I am his senior.

Was this a relationship for residency or convenience? Why were you long distance? Was this woman local to him?

Consult an attorney asap for an annulment/ divorce. As long as you are legally married, you're responsible for his financial activities including debts,etc. 

How did you meet? Have you ever lived together? 

[Will am I]

18 hours ago, Wifey2 said:

My husband left me for a woman he’s known since their childhood. We got married last year but dated for 6 years. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage but he doesn’t have kids. We confirmed last year that my tubes were blocked. His old friend who also has 2 kids from previous relationships has agreed to have a child for him and now they are seeing each other. They connected last year after her mom died right before our wedding.  Some say I should move on some say wait until he comes back to me. I am I. Shambles. What do I do? 

I understand how devastated you must feel. But at the same time I am afraid this is not something you can fix. 

Your husband wants to have a child. That’s a life goal, not somehing he’d easily step over. Some men are ok with children and ok without children. For others it’s a deal breaker. Your husband seems to identify the “natural born daddy” type.

On that level of life goals you are unfortunately not compatible. To the point that it he would stay with you, there is a significant chance he’d regret that decision later.

In the end, you don’t want to be with a spouse who regrets being with you. The regret would be ongoing through all ages and could become a powerful motor for increasing resentment. It’s probably for the best if you break your relationship (even if it hurts like hell).

 

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Wifey2 said:

We got married last year but dated for 6 years.

Didn't he know you couldn't have kids when he married you last year?  Why now is it a problem only a year later?  Did you know you couldn't get pregnant and didn't tell him?

[Wifey2]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Didn't he know you couldn't have kids when he married you last year?  Why now is it a problem only a year later?  Did you know you couldn't get pregnant and didn't tell him?

We tried having kids in the second year of our relationship. Having had 2 kids from a previous relationship I didn’t think I would have any issues getting pregnant for him. 
He has had 2 losses from previous relationships as well. 
 

He was with me last year when I did l the diagnostic  tests to determine what was wrong with me. 

[Wifey2]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was this a relationship for residency or convenience? Why were you long distance? Was this woman local to him?

Consult an attorney asap for an annulment/ divorce. As long as you are legally married, you're responsible for his financial activities including debts,etc. 

How did you meet? Have you ever lived together? 

We lived for months at a time. Our plan was to do half the year in each of our countries. 

[Wifey2]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Didn't he know you couldn't have kids when he married you last year?  Why now is it a problem only a year later?  Did you know you couldn't get pregnant and didn't tell him?

This is exactly why I am devastated. We knew there was an issue we just didn’t know if was him or me or both of us. Even though I couldn’t imagine there was an issue with me since I had 2 kids from a previous relationship. 

[Wifey2]

14 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why are you married and in a long distance relationship?  Why don't you live together?  

The advice to wait for him to come back is truly terrible advise.  Why would your friends expect that he'd return,  when he lives far away and is actively in a relationship with someone else - with whom he's planning to have a child?

I'm sincerely sorry to be harsh, but there is no indication that there's anything to hold onto here.  

I really appreciate the advice.

[Will am I]

I think your husband had the same hope, that you would be fertile because you gave birth to two kids before. 

Then when he learned it was you, and he realized that another woman could “give” him children, probably that’s when his heart started drifting off.

It doesn’t sound premeditated to me. Like he had bad intentions or a hidden agenda going into the marriage or something. But it does sound fatal to your marriage nevertheless.

I am sorry you are in this situation. It’s a truly sad story. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Wifey2 said:

We lived for months at a time. Our plan was to do half the year in each of our countries. 

This is not your fault. Your fertility is not the issue. He simply reconnected with this woman and had an affair. Do not beat yourself over this. For all you know there's a 50/50 chance he has the fertility issue. Be grateful you did not have children with this cheater.

What country were you married in? His or yours? Contact a local attorney . See if an annulment or divorce in absentia is an option. The sooner you file for the divorce the sooner you will be free from his financial activities and free from him so you can heal.

The sooner you rid yourself of him, the sooner you can find happiness with a local committed man.

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, Wifey2 said:

We knew there was an issue we just didn’t know if was him or me or both of us. Even though I couldn’t imagine there was an issue with me since I had 2 kids from a previous relationship. 

Sure, but if I’m reading correctly you are now 45 years old. 

Not to dismiss the sadness and disappointment you are feeling right now with the end of your relationship… but, I can’t help but feel that you have dodged a bullet here. You don’t really want to be tangled up with a man who would do something like this…

[mark clemson]

As "cruel" as this all may feel, I think at the end of the day, from his perspective, the two of you are incompatible. It is truly unfortunate. But, some men really want to have kids.

Assuming the break up goes through (I suspect it will), my suggestion would be to "pick up the pieces" and emotionally process this for a while (it often takes longer than we'd like). But, after that, you'll be free to look for a new relationship.

It may "feel weird" but I think there will be plenty of middle aged men around who are quite happy to date/form a relationship with a woman who is sexually active, but can no longer have kids. Some of those men may not want to deal with your existing children, but some won't mind. I suggest you be reasonably upfront about your situation (both aspects) to avoid having a potentially good partner feel deceived and thus decide to walk.

Some men will run at the first mention of kids, but you're not going to establish a relationship with those men anyhow. So (at the risk of stating the obvious,) filtering them out quickly is to your benefit, and the trick will be to find the subset of men who are ok with kids but not looking to have any more themselves.

Edited June 27, 2022 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/26/2022 at 6:01 PM, Wifey2 said:

We lived for months at a time.

Out of curiosity, how much time had you spent together (in person) before you got married? 

I am wondering how well you really knew him. 

[Weezy1973]

On 6/25/2022 at 10:59 AM, Wifey2 said:

We confirmed last year that my tubes were blocked.

Presumably it was clear during your relationship that he really wanted kids? If so the two of you are just incompatible. I know it seems like more, but really it is what it is.