My story

[lftbehind]

Hi, I need some advice, please. I'm a MW and I've been married for thirteen years. My husband has been abusive to me a fair amount and likes to drink. I don't feel good with him, but I wish that I could. I met a guy at work about 2 months ago. He gave me his number and I called him. He's from another state that's twelve hours away, but he working at my company as a contractor, for a few more months. He's staying at an extended stay place. We talked on the phone and got along well. He said that he is single and I told him that I'm married.  I went over to his place and we talked for hours and it was nice. We both took a night off (I work 2nd shift) and walked around a town that's not too far from where I live. We shopped some and went out to dinner and it was great. When we got back to his place, he gave me a massage and we got intimate. I didn't plan to sleep with him so fast, but I felt good to feel so close to someone. I hadn't had that feeling in a long time. 

I've gone over to his place after work some and before work, too. The time flies when we're together and the intimacy is very good. I do feel guilty, because I'm married, but I feel so good about myself when I'm with him. I feel lonely a lot of the time. He goes back to his home state 2x a month for 4 days at a time. When he's away, he doesn't keep in contact with me. He says that where he is staying is in a dead zone for phone reception and he can't text or phone. It sounds suspicious to me and I think that could contact me sometime while he's away. The last weekend, we texted a few sentences in 3 days. He wouldn't do more. I'm wondering if he's married or has a girlfriend? I've said that I wished we could talk more while he's away, but he just says he's sorry and has excuses. When he's here, we text some during the day and talk on the phone a little at night.  

I've mentioned just being friends to him a few times, but he says that he wants to keep seeing me. I have mixed feelings, but I keep seeing him. I'm really starting to think that we need to just be friends. He says that it's all up to me and he doesn't want to hurt me. I told him that I have feelings for him and he said that he has tried to stay somewhat detached, but has feelings for me. I wonder if he said it, because I said that I have feelings for him. It's all confusing and a mess. Sometimes I have wondered if things would work out with him. if I left my husband. 

[S2B]

If it’s that bad with your husband divorce him first. proper order is key.

don’t see this guy again until your divorce is finalized.

be prepared - looks like this guy is married. Do some digging. His no contact when he is back home - is a huge indicator he’s married.

 

[lftbehind]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

If it’s that bad with your husband divorce him first. proper order is key.

don’t see this guy again until your divorce is finalized.

be prepared - looks like this guy is married. Do some digging. His no contact when he is back home - is a huge indicator he’s married.

 

I can't afford to divorce my husband. I work, but couldn't support myself. 

He's on a contract with my company, so he will be going to another location within a few months, probably. 

He says that he's a widower for 8 years. He's not on social media, so I couldn't find anything about him online. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

I can't afford to divorce my husband. I work, but couldn't support myself. 

Sorry this is happening. There's help for you. You can survive on your own. A divorce will divide your assets and you won't be paying for his booze, nor feeling like his punching bag.

First read up on abusive relationships. Then see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about the abuse. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell your husband and Never threaten divorce.

An attorney will clear up any myths about not being able to afford leaving.  As far as looking for comfort elsewhere, it could backfire and harm you further.

There are support groups for those involved with problem drinkers:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[lftbehind]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. There's help for you. You can survive on your own. A divorce will divide your assets and you won't be paying for his booze, nor feeling like his punching bag.

First read up on abusive relationships. Then see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about the abuse. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell your husband and Never threaten divorce.

An attorney will clear up any myths about not being able to afford leaving.  As far as looking for comfort elsewhere, it could backfire and harm you further.

There are support groups for those involved with problem drinkers:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

He's verbally abusive, but hasn't gotten physical. I can look into counseling. 

I don't want to have to look for comfort elsewhere, but I just happened to met OM and we clicked. I feel hurt by the whole situation, even though I allowed it to happen. 

I used to go to Al-Anon and my husband found out. He got mad at me and said that I was betraying him. I told him that I was trying to get help for myself to deal with his drinking.  

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

He's verbally abusive, but hasn't gotten physical.

I used to go to Al-Anon and my husband found out. 

Do not confide in your husband. Continue working on an exit strategy. Abuse isn't just about black eyes and broken bones.

Try not to talk yourself into the "it just happened" thing as far as pursuing other men goes.

Focus on extricating yourself from a bad situation. Two bad situations don't cancel each other out.

There's plenty of support and help for you, when you are ready.

Edited June 26, 2022 by Wiseman2

[lftbehind]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not confide in your husband. Continue working on an exit strategy. Abuse isn't just about black eyes and broken bones.

Try not to talk yourself into the "it just happened" thing as far as pursuing other men goes.

Focus on extricating yourself from a bad situation. Two bad situations don't cancel each other out.

There's plenty of support and help for you, when you are ready.

I can look into an exit strategy, but it will involve moving, because I live in a very expensive area. The economy is so bad, too. 

I take the blame for letting things happen with OM. I met with him and got to know him. 

I'm not sure I'm strong enough to leave yet and I have expenses and other stressful family problems. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

I can look into an exit strategy, but it will involve moving, because I live in a very expensive area. The economy is so bad, too. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to leave yet and I have expenses and other stressful family problems. 

Only an attorney can advise you who gets the house and who has to move out, the state of your asset division, finances, etc. If you are not ready to leave that's fine, but having a male confidant/affair is not a great idea. In fact a trained, qualified therapist could better guide you in your endeavors with regard to remaining in an abusive marriage and with a problem drinker. Do what is best for yourself, your mental and physical health and your children.

[Will am I]

4 hours ago, lftbehind said:

He says that he's a widower for 8 years. He's not on social media, so I couldn't find anything about him online. 

Too many red flags dear.

Lack of online presence, lack of openness as to who he really is, difficulty veryfying his claims, and the not very realistic claim about zero phone reception. There are so many ways to contact if you want to. WiFi calling is a feature on modern phones, and there’s also landlines and teams and google meet etc.

Also his behaviour seems to fit the “cheating husband” archetype more than it seems to fit the “young widower looking to remarry” archetype.

I would say this man is married with 95-100% probability. When you see him again (I know you probably will, letting go is hard and you’re hurting and lonely): study his hands more closely. Wedding rings leave marks also when you are not wearing them.

 

Looking deeper into your situation, I understand how you may consider a divorce. But even if you do that, there’s still some doubts whether this man is the one. 

Generally I would advise women to be very bold in investigating any doubts they have regarding the guys they date. In this case his stories about his life out of state are weird. Boldly go where no woman supposedly went before and visit him there

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, lftbehind said:

He says that where he is staying is in a dead zone for phone reception and he can't text or phone.

Where is he staying, rural Uzbekistan?  I would put money on this guy either being married or having a girlfriend at home. I would be surprised if he didn't, given how conviently he goes off the radar every time he goes home. He's hiding you from someone, just as you're hiding him from your husband. 

6 hours ago, lftbehind said:

Sometimes I have wondered if things would work out with him

It wouldn't, because he already told you this:

6 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I'm really starting to think that we need to just be friends. He says that it's all up to me and he doesn't want to hurt me

He's telling you that he isn't going to give you more than what he's already giving. You have made the mistake of wanting your affair partner to behave like a boyfriend (ie. keeping in touch when you're apart), but that's not what this arrangement is about. This is an arrangement that only operates in the shadows, and does not really exist outside of that. Your feelings got all wrapped up in it, and now here we are. This man is an escape from your reality, but at some point, you will need to deal with your reality. And that might mean starting over the hard way. 

But I would prepare yourself a Plan B even if you don't want to leave yet. If your husband finds out, you might not have any choice in the matter. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I went over to his place and we talked for hours and it was nice. We both took a night off  and walked around a town that's not too far from where I live. We shopped some and went out to dinner and it was great.

Eventually you will get caught. Therefore it's best to prepare to leave. You are most likely correct that he has a life back home you know nothing about.

[BaileyB]

It seems like a poor decision, to cheat on your abusive no alcoholic husband. I’m worried about your safety should you ever be discovered more than anything else. 

[Will am I]

That too.

Exit planning. Secretly working on a plan and the preparations for getting out quickly if you have to.

 

 

 

[stillafool]

What difference does it make if he is married or has a gf somewhere?  You're married too.  You both are cheaters.  You're putting yourself in danger by cheating on an abusive, alcholic husband.  He may not have gotten physical with you yet but if he finds out you've been having sex with another man that may not be the case anymore.  I suggest you move to a less expensive area that you can afford and divorce your husband so you can meet other men.   It's clear you no longer want your husband so make a plan to leave before something really bad happens to you.

[lftbehind]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Only an attorney can advise you who gets the house and who has to move out, the state of your asset division, finances, etc. If you are not ready to leave that's fine, but having a male confidant/affair is not a great idea. In fact a trained, qualified therapist could better guide you in your endeavors with regard to remaining in an abusive marriage and with a problem drinker. Do what is best for yourself, your mental and physical health and your children.

I'm not ready to leave yet, but I know having an affair is not a good idea. I'll think about counseling. I do need to look out for my mental and physical health and all the stress can't be good for me. I don't have any kids. 

[anika99]

9 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I used to go to Al-Anon and my husband found out. He got mad at me and said that I was betraying him. I told him that I was trying to get help for myself to deal with his drinking.  

 

This sounds like BS. Why would you need your husbands approval to attend Al-Anon meetings? You have been cheating on your husband for years with multiple men and you haven't sought his approval for your affairs so why would you care what he thinks about you going to meetings?  Sorry but I recognized your username from the other board so I know that you are a serial cheater of many years. Your husband isn't your issue, your husband is the person you use to finance your lifestyle and blame all your bad behavior on. I'm not saying that your husband isn't an alcoholic and isn't verbally abusive. If you say he is then I take your word for it, but that's all he's responsible for. He's not blame for your many affairs, your lies and your many betrayals. If I recall correctly there are no children at home but you live in a nice neighborhood and in a nice house and you don't want to give up your current lifestyle. You have had multiple affairs and you always blame it on not being able to leave your alcoholic husband. Sorry but you are no better than your husband. He has serious issues that are not your fault and you have serious issues that are not your husbands fault. Your husband uses alcohol to run away from his true self and you use affairs to run away from your true self. You are both two sides of the same coin and neither of you is better than the other. 

Maybe one of you or both of you will wake-up  and face reality one day. Maybe one day one of your or both of you will choose to become honest authentic people or maybe both of you will go to your graves living this self-destructive lifestyle, being two fake people who live in a nice house. I hope for your sake that one day you choose better. 

[lftbehind]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It seems like a poor decision, to cheat on your abusive no alcoholic husband. I’m worried about your safety should you ever be discovered more than anything else. 

It is a poor decision. I've had a lot of bad things happen to my family recently and job stress. It has felt good to have someone to talk to and be with. The lows when he goes home and ignores me hurts, though. I know that I need to end it. He'll be going to another location to work soon, which will help. I do need to think about safety if I get discovered. 

[lftbehind]

7 hours ago, Will am I said:

Too many red flags dear.

Lack of online presence, lack of openness as to who he really is, difficulty veryfying his claims, and the not very realistic claim about zero phone reception. There are so many ways to contact if you want to. WiFi calling is a feature on modern phones, and there’s also landlines and teams and google meet etc.

Also his behaviour seems to fit the “cheating husband” archetype more than it seems to fit the “young widower looking to remarry” archetype.

I would say this man is married with 95-100% probability. When you see him again (I know you probably will, letting go is hard and you’re hurting and lonely): study his hands more closely. Wedding rings leave marks also when you are not wearing them.

 

Looking deeper into your situation, I understand how you may consider a divorce. But even if you do that, there’s still some doubts whether this man is the one. 

Generally I would advise women to be very bold in investigating any doubts they have regarding the guys they date. In this case his stories about his life out of state are weird. Boldly go where no woman supposedly went before and visit him there

 

There are a lot of red flags and there are a lot of ways to communicate with someone, if you want to. 

He told me that he told his family about me and they are happy that he's going out with someone he likes. He said that he hasn't been dating much and that he has just been going through the motions of life and I make him feel alive. I can tell that he is happy when he is with me. His body language, he is always smiling an joking around. It's hard, because he makes me feel alive, too after feeling so bland for a long time. I know that he could be lying about things at home, but you can't fake happiness too well. 

He works as an electrician, so a lot of them don't wear wedding rings, when working. I'll look at his hands closely. 

His home is too far away for me to visit, so I may never know the real story about his life down there. The story is weird. 😀

[lftbehind]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

What difference does it make if he is married or has a gf somewhere?  You're married too.  You both are cheaters.  You're putting yourself in danger by cheating on an abusive, alcholic husband.  He may not have gotten physical with you yet but if he finds out you've been having sex with another man that may not be the case anymore.  I suggest you move to a less expensive area that you can afford and divorce your husband so you can meet other men.   It's clear you no longer want your husband so make a plan to leave before something really bad happens to you.

I doesn't make a difference, but I would like to know if he's married or has a gf. I do need to look at another plan for a place to live and thing about my safety. 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I know that he could be lying about things at home, but you can't fake happiness too well. 

“Happiness” is all too easy to fake. Particularly when one is involved in a secretive extramarital affair -

[lftbehind]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Where is he staying, rural Uzbekistan?  I would put money on this guy either being married or having a girlfriend at home. I would be surprised if he didn't, given how conviently he goes off the radar every time he goes home. He's hiding you from someone, just as you're hiding him from your husband. 

It wouldn't, because he already told you this:

He's telling you that he isn't going to give you more than what he's already giving. You have made the mistake of wanting your affair partner to behave like a boyfriend (ie. keeping in touch when you're apart), but that's not what this arrangement is about. This is an arrangement that only operates in the shadows, and does not really exist outside of that. Your feelings got all wrapped up in it, and now here we are. This man is an escape from your reality, but at some point, you will need to deal with your reality. And that might mean starting over the hard way. 

But I would prepare yourself a Plan B even if you don't want to leave yet. If your husband finds out, you might not have any choice in the matter. 

I think that he might be married or have a girlfriend, too. 

It's hard to not think about being with someone when you enjoy being with them so much, even if it's wrong. 

I think that he is telling me that he's not going to give me more. When you get along so well, you want more of it. He acts like a boyfriend when he is here. I wish that my feelings weren't wrapped up in it. He said that he has some feelings for me too, though. He is an escape and would rather not need an escape from my life. I would rather have it be good. 

I do need to look at a Plan B. 

[lftbehind]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

“Happiness” is all too easy to fake. Particularly when one is involved in a secretive extramarital affair -

Maybe it is, that's something for me to think about. I don't know how to tell if someone is faking it. 

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

Maybe it is, that's something for me to think about. I don't know how to tell if someone is faking it. 

His “happiness” means nothing if he is married to another woman. It means little even if he is not because you are married to another man.

Chasing “happiness” is this circumstance is little more than a fool’s errand. The rush of endorphins one feels when engaged in an extramarital affair is often confused with “happiness” - but affairs don’t bring lasting happiness. At the end of the day, you simply find yourself in not only one but two unhealthy relationships - there is no happiness to be found in that. 

 

Edited June 26, 2022 by BaileyB

[lftbehind]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

His “happiness” means nothing if he is married to another woman.

Chasing “happiness” is a fool’s errand, no offence. The rush of endorphins one feels when engaged in an extramarital affair is often confused with “happiness” - but affairs don’t bring lasting happiness. At the end of the day, you simply find yourself in not only one but two unhealthy relationships - there is no happiness to be found in that. 

 

Thanks for your insight, I hadn't thought of things in exactly this way. Affairs sure don't bring lasting happiness and they are unhealthy. Unfortunately, I haven't had much luck or happiness in real-life relationships, either. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

Unfortunately, I haven't had much luck or happiness in real-life relationships, either. 

I know that it’s not easy, but you will need to deal with your marriage if you want to find your true happiness. There is no joy to be found in a marriage with an abusive alcoholic. Personally, I would find happiness even if I ended my marriage and lived alone for the rest of my life… that said, divorce gives you the opportunity to find another relationship that may bring you the joy that you seek. 

Edited June 26, 2022 by BaileyB