My story

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

but I would like to know if he's married or has a gf.

Did you ask him if he has a wife or a gf?  

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I told him that I have feelings for him and he said that he has tried to stay somewhat detached, but has feelings for me. I

He's only looking at this as casual sex so you need to squash your feelings for him before you get hurt.  He's not looking at you as a future partner; because you already have one, your husband.  He's just looking at you as a bit of fun and distraction.

[lftbehind]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I know that it’s not easy, but you will need to deal with your marriage if you want to find your true happiness. There is no joy to be found in a marriage with an abusive alcoholic. Personally, I would find happiness even if I ended my marriage and lived alone for the rest of my life… that said, divorce gives you the opportunity to find another relationship that may bring you the joy that you seek. 

You're right I need to deal with my marriage. My husband isn't bad all the time or I would have to leave. I try to deal with things, but I'm not truly happy. Divorce would give me an opportunity to start over, but I may have a worse life than I have now. 

[lftbehind]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

Did you ask him if he has a wife or a gf?  

No, I haven't asked him. He told me that he was single when I met him. 

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

He's only looking at this as casual sex so you need to squash your feelings for him before you get hurt.  He's not looking at you as a future partner; because you already have one, your husband.  He's just looking at you as a bit of fun and distraction.

I know that I need to squash my feelings for him, it's been hard to do. I already feel hurt some. I want to be more than a bit of fun and distraction. When he says that he has feelings for me, It feels like what we have is special, even if might not be. It's confusing to me. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

 I already feel hurt some. I want to be more than a bit of fun and distraction. When he says that he has feelings for me, It feels like what we have is special, even if might not be. It's confusing to me. 

Kindly, as you aren't in the situation where you can dedicate yourself to a relationship to him, it doesn't make logical sense to be hurt.   You're married, so it's very sensible of him to keep it casual.   Losing your heart to someone who's married is a fool's errand!  Would you really want him to lose his heart to you when you're unwilling to take the steps to leave?

You've mentioned that you're in an abusive marriage and your history shows repeated affairs with different men.  So, the situation you're in involves both of you being toxic to the marriage.   If you want more than fun and distraction, it's time to leave your husband and stop having affairs.  Give yourself the opportunity to find a good man who you can commit to and who can give you a solid relationship.  

Do you think your affairs are a some kind of addiction?  

[lftbehind]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, as you aren't in the situation where you can dedicate yourself to a relationship to him, it doesn't make logical sense to be hurt.   You're married, so it's very sensible of him to keep it casual.   Losing your heart to someone who's married is a fool's errand!  Would you really want him to lose his heart to you when you're unwilling to take the steps to leave?

You've mentioned that you're in an abusive marriage and your history shows repeated affairs with different men.  So, the situation you're in involves both of you being toxic to the marriage.   If you want more than fun and distraction, it's time to leave your husband and stop having affairs.  Give yourself the opportunity to find a good man who you can commit to and who can give you a solid relationship.  

Do you think your affairs are a some kind of addiction?  

I don't want to be hurt, but I have feeling for OM. I think I wish I knew if he had a wife or girlfriend, so I would know if my situation is the reason why we couldn't have a more serious relationship. If he has another relationship, then we couldn't be together, even if I were single. I would possibly take steps to leave, if I could be with him. 

You're right I should probably leave my marriage, but it's complicated. I would like to stay with my husband, if we got along better. I would like for him to not use controlled substances either, but he won't. When he's not on anything, he's very hard to get along with. I would really like a man that I could commit to and have a solid relationship. 

I think that the affairs are partly an addiction. I had gone about 3 years without having an affair, until I met this OM. I didn't even have as much of a sex drive. 

[S2B]

10 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I doesn't make a difference, but I would like to know if he's married or has a gf. I do need to look at another plan for a place to live and thing about my safety. 

Then spend a few dollars and do a search online.

it should tell you the basics of who he is, who he lives with and a bit about his back ground.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I want to be more than a bit of fun and distraction

But you're not in a position to be more than that, OP. 

Even if he told he has feelings, that changes nothing on any practical level. You need to leave your marriage regardless of how another man sees you. Waiting for one of them to tell you that you're the cat's meow is an excuse. If you could manage to leave if loverboy said he wanted to be with you, then you're capable of taking those steps even if he doesn''t want to be with you. 

Yes, it would be hard. But in practical terms, how would it be any different? In both cases you you would still need to find a new place to live. Still need to consult an attorney and file for legal separation. You would still need to deal with your husband's anger. So what does it really change if OM says you can be together? 

[lftbehind]

27 minutes ago, S2B said:

Then spend a few dollars and do a search online.

it should tell you the basics of who he is, who he lives with and a bit about his back ground.

 

Where's a good place online to do research? He's says that he lives on a boat, so I'm not sure if that would show up in a search. 

[Will am I]

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

You're right I need to deal with my marriage. My husband isn't bad all the time or I would have to leave. I try to deal with things, but I'm not truly happy. Divorce would give me an opportunity to start over, but I may have a worse life than I have now. 

They never are. In fact the men that hit are often also the ones who shower their love partners with gifts and compliments. I’ve heard the phrase “rage/guilt cycle” for that. I guess it applies to different forms of abuse too.

Plus the realistic assertion that every spouse will have a mix of good and bad character traits.

 

The way you speak of divorce tells me you’re not ready. I sense some insecurity (“may have a worse life”). I think it starts by setting yoir boundaries. Where is your red line (for something you experience once) and what are you willing to accept for the rest of your life. 

Omce you have those two limits set, it will become much more clear when the red line is crossed or when you see your marriage failing the long term bar.

At one point, holding up to your standards of how you expect to be treated will become more important than how nice or glamorous your life is. That’s when you’ll be ready.

 

PS. I think this can turn around if the alcohol goes. Or at least: any episodes of heavy drinking and any habits of (near) daily drinking. Alcohol weakens the abilities to sustain healthy relationships. Drinking weakens empathy for example. If the alcohol stays, I wouldn’t expect your marriage toget better.

[lftbehind]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But you're not in a position to be more than that, OP. 

Even if he told he has feelings, that changes nothing on any practical level. You need to leave your marriage regardless of how another man sees you. Waiting for one of them to tell you that you're the cat's meow is an excuse. If you could manage to leave if loverboy said he wanted to be with you, then you're capable of taking those steps even if he doesn''t want to be with you. 

Yes, it would be hard. But in practical terms, how would it be any different? In both cases you you would still need to find a new place to live. Still need to consult an attorney and file for legal separation. You would still need to deal with your husband's anger. So what does it really change if OM says you can be together? 

I know I'm not in that position now. 

If I leave my husband, I don't make enough to live on. I don't know what I would get in a divorce. It's hard to leave, when I know I'll probably be in poverty. I could end up alone, too. You're right, I would be dealing with the same issues in getting a divorce with or without OM. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

You're right, I would be dealing with the same issues in getting a divorce with or without OM. 

Which is why hoping that you mean more to him really doesn't change anything. You aren't ready to leave your marriage yet. 

I also wouldn't really buy that he's told his family about you. Even if he is actually single, do you really believe he's told them he's been messing around with a married woman? I highly doubt that.

But again, his relationship status is dubious. A dear friend of mine lived on a boat last summer, but it was mostly always in the marina. There was internet on the boat, and Wifi in the marina for the boat's owners - not to mention access to the 4G/5G network through his regular mobile plan if the Wifi wasn't reliable on a given day. The same was true for my former in-laws, who spent months at a time sailing on their boat. They had to be pretty far offshore to lose their signal altogether, and this was more than 10 years ago when the technology wasn't what it is now.  If this man doesn't spend much time there, it is very unlikely he is going so far out on the water each time that he has no internet access or mobile reception at all for the weekend. You're getting duped there, I am almost sure of it. 

 

[lftbehind]

3 minutes ago, Will am I said:

They never are. In fact the men that hit are often also the ones who shower their love partners with gifts and compliments. I’ve heard the phrase “rage/guilt cycle” for that. I guess it applies to different forms of abuse too.

Plus the realistic assertion that every spouse will have a mix of good and bad character traits.

 

The way you speak of divorce tells me you’re not ready. I sense some insecurity (“may have a worse life”). I think it starts by setting yoir boundaries. Where is your red line (for something you experience once) and what are you willing to accept for the rest of your life. 

Omce you have those two limits set, it will become much more clear when the red line is crossed or when you see your marriage failing the long term bar.

At one point, holding up to your standards of how you expect to be treated will become more important than how nice or glamorous your life is. That’s when you’ll be ready.

 

PS. I think this can turn around if the alcohol goes. Or at least: any episodes of heavy drinking and any habits of (near) daily drinking. Alcohol weakens the abilities to sustain healthy relationships. Drinking weakens empathy for example. If the alcohol stays, I wouldn’t expect your marriage toget better.

I can get along with my husband, but I don't feel romantic towards him. I think that he's been mean and disrespectful to me too many times. He's gotten mean with my family, which really bothers me. A lot of the time he doesn't apologize, either. I've also tried to get him to stop abusing substances, he won't stop. 

I don't think that I'm ready to move out, yet. I would like to feel better with my husband, but I don't see how that's going to happen. You're right about setting boundaries, it's a good idea. 

I try not to make him mad, but sometimes he gets mad at me for everything and I can't get along with him. I think that he's crossed my red line more often than I would like. 

[lftbehind]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Which is why hoping that you mean more to him really doesn't change anything. You aren't ready to leave your marriage yet. 

I also wouldn't really buy that he's told his family about you. Even if he is actually single, do you really believe he's told them he's been messing around with a married woman? I highly doubt that.

But again, his relationship status is dubious. A dear friend of mine lived on a boat last summer, but it was mostly always in the marina. There was internet on the boat, and Wifi in the marina for the boat's owners - not to mention access to the 4G/5G network through his regular mobile plan if the Wifi wasn't reliable on a given day. The same was true for my former in-laws, who spent months at a time sailing on their boat. They had to be pretty far offshore to lose their signal altogether, and this was more than 10 years ago when the technology wasn't what it is now.  If this man doesn't spend much time there, it is very unlikely he is going so far out on the water each time that he has no internet access or mobile reception at all for the weekend. You're getting duped there, I am almost sure of it. 

 

I don't think that I'm ready to leave yet. 

It does sound funny that he was talking about me with his family, but I'm not sure why he would make it up. 

I think that his excuse about not having mobile reception a lot of the time is shady. It's hard to imagine him without cell phone service all weekend. I don't think that I'm too demanding as far as communication, I just would like to talk to him a little while he's gone. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

It does sound funny that he was talking about me with his family, but I'm not sure why he would make it up.

Because many such men know exactly what to say to keep a woman hooked. You feel special and important, you stay available to him. It's quite a simple equation, actually. Manipulative, but simple - and very common with these kinds of men who want to keep the sex and attention coming for whenever it suits them. 

3 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I don't think that I'm too demanding as far as communication

It's not that you're demanding too much. It's just that you have an unrealistic idea about your position in his life. This is not a real relationship, so just as you can't always be available to him, the same is true for him. That's even more relevant if he's not single, which I don't think he is. You exist in his life only when he's in your area. If you can't manage that, you need to end this. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

I don't want to be hurt, but I have feeling for OM. I think I wish I knew if he had a wife or girlfriend, so I would know if my situation is the reason why we couldn't have a more serious relationship. If he has another relationship, then we couldn't be together, even if I were single. I would possibly take steps to leave, if I could be with him. 

You've barely scratched the surface of this guy and as it is, you don't trust him.   And yes, it's highly likely that he's seeing someone on those weekends when he goes home.  Could be another MW, could be a GF or could be a wife.   Who knows...

 

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

You're right I should probably leave my marriage, but it's complicated. I would like to stay with my husband, if we got along better. I would like for him to not use controlled substances either, but he won't. When he's not on anything, he's very hard to get along with. I would really like a man that I could commit to and have a solid relationship. 

I think that the affairs are partly an addiction. I had gone about 3 years without having an affair, until I met this OM. I didn't even have as much of a sex drive. 

But you don't get along with your husband better and he won't stop using substances, so this line of reasoning is pointless.   It would be wonderful if you could find a man you could commit to and have a solid relationship, but that can't happen when you're already married.    At this point, you're just in a place of self delusion.

[lftbehind]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because many such men know exactly what to say to keep a woman hooked. You feel special and important, you stay available to him. It's quite a simple equation, actually. Manipulative, but simple - and very common with these kinds of men who want to keep the sex and attention coming for whenever it suits them. 

It's not that you're demanding too much. It's just that you have an unrealistic idea about your position in his life. This is not a real relationship, so just as you can't always be available to him, the same is true for him. That's even more relevant if he's not single, which I don't think he is. You exist in his life only when he's in your area. If you can't manage that, you need to end this. 

I want to believe that he's sincere when he says nice things, but sometimes I do wonder if he is saying the right things to keep me sweet. It makes you not know what's real, he probably means some of what he's saying. 

I think that I have an unrealistic idea about my position in his life,  because he does say things that make me feel good about myself and special. It seems like he cares about me. I also feel that when he goes home, I don't exist in his life. I feel like when his assignment ends in a few months and he goes to another location, I will hardly talk to him. So he makes me feel very good and bad, too. 

[lftbehind]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've barely scratched the surface of this guy and as it is, you don't trust him.   And yes, it's highly likely that he's seeing someone on those weekends when he goes home.  Could be another MW, could be a GF or could be a wife.   Who knows...

 

But you don't get along with your husband better and he won't stop using substances, so this line of reasoning is pointless.   It would be wonderful if you could find a man you could commit to and have a solid relationship, but that can't happen when you're already married.    At this point, you're just in a place of self delusion.

You're right, I only know what he tells me and I don't know for sure what is true. There's a good chance that I will never know about his life back home. 

I would like to have a good, solid realationship. I feel like I'm in a place of self delusion. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I feel like when his assignment ends in a few months and he goes to another location, I will hardly talk to him.

I would expect this, yes. This affair is more than likely going to end when he leaves. 

5 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

It makes you not know what's real, he probably means some of what he's saying.

Yes, exactly. You don't know him on any signficant level. You only know what he's chosen to tell you, which may or may not be true. There is a whole side of his life you know nothing about. Thus, it stands to reason that the sweet nothing he whispers at you are probably also half-truths, and not to be taken very seriously. 

[lftbehind]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would expect this, yes. This affair is more than likely going to end when he leaves. 

Yes, exactly. You don't know him on any signficant level. You only know what he's chosen to tell you, which may or may not be true. There is a whole side of his life you know nothing about. Thus, it stands to reason that the sweet nothing he whispers at you are probably also half-truths, and not to be taken very seriously. 

I guess it's good that he will be going away, it will make things end. 

You're right, I don't know him that well.  I felt like I basically did, but didn't know why he acted the way that he did when he went home. Guess I know why now. I really have wanted to believe the nice things that he says to me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, lftbehind said:

I really have wanted to believe the nice things that he says to me. 

I am sure he is fond of you, OP. He wouldn't be doing this if he weren't. 

But that doesn't mean it runs deeper than this, nor does it mean that he wants a future with you. The point is really that you are attaching too much meaning to these nice things he says. 

[lftbehind]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am sure he is fond of you, OP. He wouldn't be doing this if he weren't. 

But that doesn't mean it runs deeper than this, nor does it mean that he wants a future with you. The point is really that you are attaching too much meaning to these nice things he says. 

That's true, I'm probably attaching too much meaning to the nice things that he's saying. I appreciate all of your comments, it's helped me try to sort things out. He's really not treating me that well, by acting the way that he does when he goes home. He pretty much ignores me all weekend. I'm sure when he moves away I won't hear from him. I wish that I had not started the affair. 

[Will am I]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I can get along with my husband, but I don't feel romantic towards him. I think that he's been mean and disrespectful to me too many times. He's gotten mean with my family, which really bothers me. A lot of the time he doesn't apologize, either.

At one point you probably did have romantic feelings, but enough of that mean and disrespectful behaviour can make a woman fall out of love.

I'm a hopeless romantic and I believe a couple can fall back in love. But obviously the undermining behaviour must stop first, and only as a second step it takes a new commitment from both spouses. If the behaviour doesn't change and he's not even sorry, I don't see this happening. I think you need to deal with this reality of being in a marriage but out of love, without perspective on improvement in the foreseeable future.

 

Quote

I've also tried to get him to stop abusing substances, he won't stop. 

[ ]

When use becomes abuse, the person doing it chooses his own short term well being over the well being of those dear to him.

Also the substance itself can affect the empathic abilities which are vital in a marriage. Speaking of alcohol it does that on two different time scales.  [ ]. And over the years of heavy drinking, incremental brain damage makes the incapacity permanent.

Hence I believe that you may be dealing with a person who doesn't properly care for you, and is gradually losing his ability to care more and more.

 

Quote

I don't think that I'm ready to move out, yet. I would like to feel better with my husband, but I don't see how that's going to happen.

When you speak about your marriage here , you seem to hold a realistic view: "don't see how that's going to happen".

I don't see any indicators of a good turnaround either  

Which means that you're not ready to move out yet.

(I apologize if these words make you cry. I'm trying to be respectful and thoughful in my writing, but sugar coating my words won't help you)

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You're right about setting boundaries, it's a good idea. 

Yes it is. Because these boundaries give you something firm to hold on to. I would even recommend writing your boundaries down as statements like "I will never accept ..." (short term red line) and "For the rest of my life, I expect at least ..." (long term red line). And memorize these statements.

So many times when people are involved with addicted or other types of boundary crossing people, they tend to shift their own boundaries incrementally. And slowly lose themselves in the process. 

As additional advice I want to suggest that you confide with a female friend and ask her to help you in choosing your boundaries. After years in an unhealthy relationship the "north pole" of you emotional compass may be out of whack. Could you still say what is "normal" in how married people treat their spouses? Not what is utopic and perfect, but more like a real-world kind of "this is what you should expect"? If that question is hard, use a friend to help you. And keep coming to this forum.

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I try not to make him mad, but sometimes he gets mad at me for everything and I can't get along with him. I think that he's crossed my red line more often than I would like. 

This is a stereotypical statement of an abused woman. You know this is out of whack, right?

I think we will be speaking about exit planning here soon.

 

Edited June 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating/fact checking required

[S2B]

The bottom line is - anaffair doesn’t fix the marriage.

so end it with the OM at least until you finalize the divorce.

in the meantime - it looks like he’s likely married and doesn’t want you to know that.

[Will am I]

I don't think this affair is a solution to OP's problems either. I don't think it is even intended to be some sort of solution. What I see is a woman desperate for some support, love and affirmation, yielding to a guy who's being inappropriately sweet to her. 

Understandable? Yes. Smart? Probably not.

There seems to be nothing right about this affair, except for the fact that it's helping OP cope in the short term. But sustaining this affair longer... I see so many chances for more trouble and heartbreak. Just to name a few:

1. Staying in the affair can lengthen the current status quo of unhappiness and guilt. It takes away precious time during which OP could work on her own healing and subsequently build a good new life partnership with a new spouse.

2. The affair can cause the situation at home to blow up (especially if it comes out). There is a real risk that OP could become a domestic violence victim. In this scenario she will end up in an emergency separation. For the healing process it is probably better if the decision to divorce is based on rational and long term considerations. 

3. Because of the affair, OP is losing the moral highground in a divorce. An attribute which can make divorce easier to swallow. Knowing that you were blameless and gave it your best, it must make it easier to turn the page.

4. The behaviour of the afair partner (keeping the affair in the shadows and strictly limited to his time at OP's company) has raised strong suspicions that the me may have a significant other at his home out of state. If this is true, the affair is also causing damage over there.

 

Most importantly and from personal experience: the infatiation of an affair is bad for your mental clarity. When you're seriously considering a divorce, you need all the clarity you can get.