Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 8 hours ago, BaileyB said: Then you had beat find another man who is an actual boyfriend, not an affair partner. Truthfully, you would do well to get yourself some. Outselling if possible and take some time to be single. You’ve picked two very unhealthy men/relationships here and that should be very concerning for you - moving forward, you will want to develop your own self worth and require more from the men you date/any future relationships. Honestly, I would rather be single forever than with either of these men. This is not healthy for you and it will wear you down the longer it continues… That's true, I do need to work on myself and my self worth. I've dated quite a bit in the past and it's really hard to find someone that is normal. You definitely have to compromise some on what you want. These situations aren't healthy for me and I do feel worn down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 6 hours ago, basil67 said: The kind of courtesy you're looking for is owed to a partner who's committed to him. You are not his wife, not his girlfriend and you are married to someone else. The rules of affairs are that you come second and are not owed explanations or courtesy. About the only thing he owes you is to make sure all sex is consensual. Okay, I understand he owes me nothing Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 5 hours ago, BaileyB said: And that’s quite literally the only thing he wants or expects in return - as evidenced by the way that he disappears for extended periods of time… Women are so quick to ascribe emotions to sex. I’m thinking about a poster once OP who had been in a workplace affair for something like 8-10 years. Her affair partner had quite literally never texted her or seen her outside of work hours, they only ever had sex in his office or in the car/outside, and it was very rarely sex - usually just oral sex. And still, she stalked his wife’s social media and was deeply disturbed by pictures of their family and their vacations… because, she was sure that he was the love of her life and he was going to one day leave his wife to be with his affair partner. Delusion, is the only word for it. Despite all evidence to the contrary, this woman was sure that they were soul mates destined to be together… Completely unwilling or unable to accept that for him - it was just a quick and convenient way for him to get a release at work. You think so. I'm not sure that's all he wants. I got the feeling from him that he has feelings for me. I know that I could be wrong. I agree, women get emotions when they have sex with a man. I remember that woman. I felt sorry for her and she was delusional. He knew that she cared for him and he shouldn't have used her like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 6 hours ago, basil67 said: The kind of courtesy you're looking for is owed to a partner who's committed to him. You are not his wife, not his girlfriend and you are married to someone else. The rules of affairs are that you come second and are not owed explanations or courtesy. About the only thing he owes you is to make sure all sex is consensual. Guess I don't owe him anything, either, then Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 12 hours ago, lftbehind said: I don't know how I would take the step of telling my husband that I want a divorce. I would rather work it out. I don't have close friends, just acquaintances. I think this is a nice first step. Either selecting a woman from your acquaintances that you would be comfortable with in a more intimate friendship, or recruiting a new friend. A loose thought (and not specific to your situation): it appears to me that women in affairs often lack close friendships. Would this void be a cause that they open their hears to affair partners more easily? Or do the men do the same that sexual predators do, select isolated victims? 12 hours ago, lftbehind said: I want to end the affair. Worrying about it is adding extra stress that I don't need. I don't like worrying about the way that he's treating me. He probably is treating me well to get what he wants from me. When he wants to ignore me, he does. I feel foolish. Indeed. You need to be treated better. Being in an affair is already not the most respectful place for a woman’s dignity. And if your AP isn’t even treating you nicely, then I wonder what you are getting out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 9 minutes ago, lftbehind said: Guess I don't owe him anything, either, then You definitely don't, no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would operate under the assumption that he does. Are you okay with knowing he's got another woman he goes home to? No, I'm not okay with that. I was just going with what he has told me, that he is single. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 5 minutes ago, lftbehind said: No, I'm not okay with that. Dig deep here. What bothers you about it? You have a husband you go home to. It's only fair that the same could apply to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 5 minutes ago, lftbehind said: No, I'm not okay with that. I was just going with what he has told me, that he is single. How do you reconcile the hypocrisy of you having a husband and being with him but not being OK if he had a partner? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 27 minutes ago, Will am I said: I think this is a nice first step. Either selecting a woman from your acquaintances that you would be comfortable with in a more intimate friendship, or recruiting a new friend. A loose thought (and not specific to your situation): it appears to me that women in affairs often lack close friendships. Would this void be a cause that they open their hears to affair partners more easily? Or do the men do the same that sexual predators do, select isolated victims? Indeed. You need to be treated better. Being in an affair is already not the most respectful place for a woman’s dignity. And if your AP isn’t even treating you nicely, then I wonder what you are getting out of it. Lack of close friendships could cause a void that would make a women feel lonely and then they are more open to an affair. There may be some men that select isolated women for affairs, too. I'm confused about my OM. I though that he cared about me, but I may just be for fun. I guess that I need to go with the facts.1. I don't think that he is telling me the truth about his being single 2. He ignores me when he goes home to visit 2x a month. I told him that it bothers me, too. 3. He will be leaving my area soon, since he will get a new work assignment. 4. He doesn't say anything about talking to me after he leaves here. I would assume that he wouldn't, since when he goes away now, he doesn't talk to me. He seems like he's into me when I talk to him and when we would get together. I guess it doesn't matter, since it's going to end soon. He has at least a month left at my location. Do you think that I should just be friends with him or should I say that I need to stop talking to him? If I say that I just want to be friends, he may not talk to me much at that point. I just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 26 minutes ago, basil67 said: How do you reconcile the hypocrisy of you having a husband and being with him but not being OK if he had a partner? I would like to know. He represents himself as a single guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Dig deep here. What bothers you about it? You have a husband you go home to. It's only fair that the same could apply to him. I just wish that he would tell me the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 It appears to me that what you desire most is a different marriage in which you would feel respected and loved, not an affair. When I write "different marriage" this could mean different dynamics between your husband and you, or another marriage with a different partner altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 14 minutes ago, lftbehind said: I just wish that he would tell me the truth. I do hope you recognize the irony in wanting someone to be honest with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 14 minutes ago, lftbehind said: I just wish that he would tell me the truth. Do you really want to know if he's going home to a wife/GF for the long weekend? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 25 minutes ago, lftbehind said: I just wish that he would tell me the truth. I'm sure your husband would be interested in the truth too. Your hopes are hypocritical. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 30 minutes ago, lftbehind said: Lack of close friendships could cause a void that would make a women feel lonely and then they are more open to an affair. There may be some men that select isolated women for affairs, too. This is all excuses. The choice to cheat is fully the responsibility of the one who chooses to cheat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 22 minutes ago, Will am I said: It appears to me that what you desire most is a different marriage in which you would feel respected and loved, not an affair. When I write "different marriage" this could mean different dynamics between your husband and you, or another marriage with a different partner altogether. That's very true, that's what I would like. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you really want to know if he's going home to a wife/GF for the long weekend? Sure Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 6 minutes ago, basil67 said: This is all excuses. The choice to cheat is fully the responsibility of the one who chooses to cheat. Yes it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lftbehind Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 10 minutes ago, basil67 said: I'm sure your husband would be interested in the truth too. Your hopes are hypocritical. I'm wrong for what I've done, but he is no angel Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 5 minutes ago, lftbehind said: That's very true, that's what I would like. Same here. I've never been much of a player and I don't find that kind of behaviour respectful towards women. And then I did get into an emotional affair myself (irony: not very respectful to the woman closest to me). But it wasn't about seeking fun or thrill. It was about coping with feelings of rejection and loneliness. I met this young woman and we connected emotionally and I started falling in love and she accellerated things into the romanctic and sexual spectrum. And I did not resist one bit because I was falling in love. What I learned most of all us how easily these things can happen when our hearts are open. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 2 hours ago, lftbehind said: That's very true, that's what I would like. Then why do you stay with your husband? You’ve both contributed to an unhealthy marriage, and it doesn’t sound like either of you really want to change it. Why? If you want things to change, you’re going to have to change what you’re doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 2 hours ago, lftbehind said: I'm wrong for what I've done, but he is no angel So you're even. Either accept it or walk way. The choice is yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 3 hours ago, lftbehind said: I'm wrong for what I've done, but he is no angel I think the point is that you can’t exactly expect honesty from your OM when you’re behaving dishonestly yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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