My story

[lftbehind]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Considering the fact that the only person you control is yourself and you are 1/2 if a marriage - how exactly are you going to “work it out” with your emotionally abusive, alcoholic husband? You’ve tried to tell him to stop drinking in the past and that hasn’t worked? You don’t have any influence on the man, that’s why you have decided to simply avoid him. So, how exactly do you think that you will be able to work this out? 

I don't know. One day at a time, I guess

 

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

What’s the sense in having boundaries if you are not willing to enforce them?

You are practicing avoidance in order to live with your emotionally abusive and alcoholic husband. 

Find a lawyer and get a free consultation. You should be entitled to spousal support, child support (if you have children), and half the assets squires during the marriage (including the home). Educate yourself - don’t assume that you will walk away with nothing because that’s likely not true. 

If there is one thing that you could do for yourself today, go to an Al-Anon meeting. You didn’t cause your husband alcoholism but you also won’t cure it either. You do need to divorce - if you are working nights to avoid spending time with your husband, it’s time to divorce. Honestly, I can’t imagine how you could still hold affection for the man. 

Good point. 

Yes, and it's a hard way to live. 

I'm not ready to leave, yet. 

I did go to Al-Anon for a while. It didn't really help me and he got mad at me for going. 

[lftbehind]

11 hours ago, Will am I said:

@OP: all I and others did was to show you a mirror based on the bits of information you provided. You must have already known it all on the inside. All the mirror is doing is to make the picture clearer.

The only thing you lack now is the confidence to start acting. 

 

About “afterthoughts”: I guess it varies. Maybe a lot of people just have affairs for fun, without much consideration for AP’s feelings.

Personally I don’t recognize it though. I developed rather strong feelings for “my” OW. We would have these long and deep conversations when she was struggling. Romance was a big factor in the relationship, but connecting and caring feelings were bigger.  

Yes, the picture is clearer. Thank you. 😃 

I did talk to OM today at work today. He's going home this 4th of July weekend. I haven't told him that I just want to be friends, yet. We didn't talk talk about anything romantic, we never do. He will be getting a new work assignment soon, probably and will be moving away. I don't know if I will hear from him after he leaves. I like him, but this needs to be over for my own good. 

A lot of people probably have affairs just for fun and sex. I like the emotional connection and good feelings. I guess a lot of problems happen when the 2 people in an affair are on different pages. One is feeling emotions and feelings and the other just wants a good time. It's like that in regular dating, too, though. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

 he probably has another life that I don't know about

I would operate under the assumption that he does. 

Are you okay with knowing he's got another woman he goes home to? 

 

[lftbehind]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Then you had beat find another man who is an actual boyfriend, not an affair partner. 

Truthfully, you would do well to get yourself some. Outselling if possible and take some time to be single. You’ve picked two very unhealthy men/relationships here and that should be very concerning for you - moving forward, you will want to develop your own self worth and require more from the men you date/any future relationships. 

Honestly, I would rather be single forever than with either of these men. This is not healthy for you and it will wear you down the longer it continues…

That's true, I do need to work on myself and my self worth. I've dated quite a bit in the past and it's really hard to find someone that is normal. You definitely have to compromise some on what you want. 

These situations aren't healthy for me and I do feel worn down. 

[lftbehind]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

The kind of courtesy you're looking for is owed to a partner who's committed to him.   You are not his wife, not his girlfriend and you are married to someone else.  The rules of affairs are that you come second and are not owed explanations or courtesy.   About the only thing he owes you is to make sure all sex is consensual. 

 

Okay, I understand he owes me nothing 

[lftbehind]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And that’s quite literally the only thing he wants or expects in return - as evidenced by the way that he disappears for extended periods of time…

Women are so quick to ascribe emotions to sex. I’m thinking about a poster once OP who had been in a workplace affair for something like 8-10 years. Her affair partner had quite literally never texted her or seen her outside of work hours, they only ever had sex in his office or in the car/outside, and it was very rarely sex - usually just oral sex. And still, she stalked his wife’s social media and was deeply disturbed by pictures of their family and their vacations… because, she was sure that he was the love of her life and he was going to one day leave his wife to be with his affair partner. Delusion, is the only word for it. Despite all evidence to the contrary, this woman was sure that they were soul mates destined to be together… Completely unwilling or unable to accept that for him - it was just a quick and convenient way for him to get a release at work. 

You think so. I'm not sure that's all he wants. I got the feeling from him that he has feelings for me. I know that I could be wrong. 

I agree, women get emotions when they have sex with a man. I remember that woman. I felt sorry for her and she was delusional. He knew that she cared for him and he shouldn't have used her like that. 

[lftbehind]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

The kind of courtesy you're looking for is owed to a partner who's committed to him.   You are not his wife, not his girlfriend and you are married to someone else.  The rules of affairs are that you come second and are not owed explanations or courtesy.   About the only thing he owes you is to make sure all sex is consensual. 

 

Guess I don't owe him anything, either, then

[Will am I]

12 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I don't know how I would take the step of telling my husband that I want a divorce. I would rather work it out. I don't have close friends, just acquaintances. 

I think this is a nice first step. Either selecting a woman from your acquaintances that you would be comfortable with in a more intimate friendship, or recruiting a new friend.

 

A loose thought (and not specific to your situation): it appears to me that women in affairs often lack close friendships. Would this void be a cause that they open their hears to affair partners more easily? Or do the men do the same that sexual predators do, select isolated victims?

12 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I want to end the affair. Worrying about it is adding extra stress that I don't need. I don't like worrying about the way that he's treating me. He probably is treating me well to get what he wants from me. When he wants to ignore me, he does. I feel foolish. 

Indeed. You need to be treated better. Being in an affair is already not the most respectful place for a woman’s dignity. And if your AP isn’t even treating you nicely, then I wonder what you are getting out of it.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

Guess I don't owe him anything, either, then

You definitely don't, no.

 

[lftbehind]

29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would operate under the assumption that he does. 

Are you okay with knowing he's got another woman he goes home to? 

 

No, I'm not okay with that. I was just going with what he has told me, that he is single. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

No, I'm not okay with that.

Dig deep here. What bothers you about it?

You have a husband you go home to. It's only fair that the same could apply to him. 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

No, I'm not okay with that. I was just going with what he has told me, that he is single. 

How do you reconcile the hypocrisy of you having a husband and being with him but not being OK if he had a partner? 

[lftbehind]

27 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I think this is a nice first step. Either selecting a woman from your acquaintances that you would be comfortable with in a more intimate friendship, or recruiting a new friend.

 

A loose thought (and not specific to your situation): it appears to me that women in affairs often lack close friendships. Would this void be a cause that they open their hears to affair partners more easily? Or do the men do the same that sexual predators do, select isolated victims?

Indeed. You need to be treated better. Being in an affair is already not the most respectful place for a woman’s dignity. And if your AP isn’t even treating you nicely, then I wonder what you are getting out of it.

 

 

Lack of close friendships could cause a void that would make a women feel lonely and then they are more open to an affair. There may be some men that select isolated women for affairs, too. I'm confused about my OM. I though that he cared about me, but I may just be for fun. I guess that I need to go with the facts.1. I don't think that he is telling me the truth about his being single 2. He ignores me when he goes home to visit 2x a month. I told him that it bothers me, too. 3. He will be leaving my area soon, since he will get a new work assignment. 4. He doesn't say anything about talking to me after he leaves here. I would assume that he wouldn't, since when he goes away now, he doesn't talk to me. 

He seems like he's into me when I talk to him and when we would get together. I guess it doesn't matter, since it's going to end soon. He has at least a month left at my location. Do you think that I should just be friends with him or should I say that I need to stop talking to him? If I say that I just want to be friends, he may not talk to me much at that point. I just don't know. 

[lftbehind]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How do you reconcile the hypocrisy of you having a husband and being with him but not being OK if he had a partner? 

I would like to know. He represents himself as a single guy. 

[lftbehind]

 

29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Dig deep here. What bothers you about it?

You have a husband you go home to. It's only fair that the same could apply to him. 

I just wish that he would tell me the truth. 

[Will am I]

It appears to me that what you desire most is a different marriage in which you would feel respected and loved, not an affair.

When I write "different marriage" this could mean different dynamics between your husband and you, or another marriage with a different partner altogether.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

 

I just wish that he would tell me the truth. 

I do hope you recognize the irony in wanting someone to be honest with you. 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I just wish that he would tell me the truth. 

Do you really want to know if he's going home to a wife/GF for the long weekend?

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I just wish that he would tell me the truth. 

I'm sure your husband would be interested in the truth too.  Your hopes are hypocritical.

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

Lack of close friendships could cause a void that would make a women feel lonely and then they are more open to an affair. There may be some men that select isolated women for affairs, too.

This is all excuses.  The choice to cheat is fully the responsibility of the one who chooses to cheat.

[lftbehind]

22 minutes ago, Will am I said:

It appears to me that what you desire most is a different marriage in which you would feel respected and loved, not an affair.

When I write "different marriage" this could mean different dynamics between your husband and you, or another marriage with a different partner altogether.

 

 

That's very true, that's what I would like. 

[lftbehind]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you really want to know if he's going home to a wife/GF for the long weekend?

Sure

[lftbehind]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is all excuses.  The choice to cheat is fully the responsibility of the one who chooses to cheat.

Yes it is. 

 

[lftbehind]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sure your husband would be interested in the truth too.  Your hopes are hypocritical.

I'm wrong for what I've done, but he is no angel

[Will am I]

5 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

That's very true, that's what I would like. 

Same here. I've never been much of a player and I don't find that kind of behaviour respectful towards women. And then I did get into an emotional affair myself (irony: not very respectful to the woman closest to me). But it wasn't about seeking fun or thrill. It was about coping with feelings of rejection and loneliness. I met this young woman and we connected emotionally and I started falling in love and she accellerated things into the romanctic and sexual spectrum. And I did not resist one bit because I was falling in love. What I learned most of all us how easily these things can happen when our hearts are open.