My story

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

That's very true, that's what I would like. 

Then why do you stay with your husband? You’ve both contributed to an unhealthy marriage, and it doesn’t sound like either of you really want to change it. Why? If you want things to change, you’re going to have to change what you’re doing. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I'm wrong for what I've done, but he is no angel

So you're even.  Either accept it or walk way.  The choice is yours. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I'm wrong for what I've done, but he is no angel

I think the point is that you can’t exactly expect honesty from your OM when you’re behaving dishonestly yourself. 

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I'm not sure that's all he wants. I got the feeling from him that he has feelings for me. I know that I could be wrong. 

What he he done that has demonstrated to you that he may want more?

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

He seems like he's into me when I talk to him and when we would get together.

Would you have sex with the man if he didn’t put in any effort? The answer here is pretty obvious… he shows interest in you… to get you into bed. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

Sure

You already know he goes incommunicado when he's home weekends,  you may not like that, but that's how it's been. So in a way you know the answer but that may cloud the fantasy, no?  Is it that you'll miss the distraction or that you'll have to deal with your husband/marriage for a long weekend?

[mark clemson]

While every couple and AP are ultimately unique, there are certainly many commonalities. I'm putting you in the "unhappy/unfulfilled in your marriage" category, for the obvious reasons you have stated - you are married to a mean drunk.

So - I guess I am wondering - what are you looking for by sharing your story? (Here, and on other boards where I suspect folks were a lot more triggered by you sharing it.)

No one here is capable of fixing your marriage or "fixing" your husband if you cannot. We cannot give you the courage or financial ability to leave it if that is the best option, but you believe isn't feasible. You'd have to work on/develop that capability. Nor can we make your OM more honest if he is actually married or dating others himself.

A person stuck in an unhappy marriage only has so many options - 1) work on/improve the marriage,  2) leave it,  3) cheat to help yourself feel better (typically temporarily),  4) open the marriage with your partner's permission, and 5) try to ignore the problems/"make the best of it" (which can be a LOT easier said than done for some folks) and develop other interests and ways to feel somewhat fulfilled in life.

If you're looking for "understanding" - well, it seems that options 1 and 2 don't work for you, attempting 4 likely wouldn't go well, and you're not ready to "settle" for 5. So, that apparently leaves you doing 3. I'm not going to judge you for attempting to get your needs met, however I would point out that's (as you know from experience) likely to be transitory and only partially fulfilling.

So that brings you around to either continuing 3 until you find a man you can monkeybranch to (possible, but not particularly likely) or re-attempting some of the other options.

That's the big picture for you (as I see it). You're were probably actually already aware of all this, but sometimes spelling it out can help make the various paths you can attempt to take a bit clearer. So perhaps that is helpful.

Edited June 28, 2022 by mark clemson

[lftbehind]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

Same here. I've never been much of a player and I don't find that kind of behaviour respectful towards women. And then I did get into an emotional affair myself (irony: not very respectful to the woman closest to me). But it wasn't about seeking fun or thrill. It was about coping with feelings of rejection and loneliness. I met this young woman and we connected emotionally and I started falling in love and she accellerated things into the romanctic and sexual spectrum. And I did not resist one bit because I was falling in love. What I learned most of all us how easily these things can happen when our hearts are open.

 

It sounds like you learned a lot from your affair. There is a lot of pain for everyone involved. Affairs can happen easily, especially when someone is lonely and feeling rejected and unseen. That's how I got started with OM. He has made me feel like I can be myself. I know that it's only when he's here, though. It's probably an illusion, too When he goes home, it will probably be over. I feel emotional about him, but chances are he doesn't feel the same way. It's hard to let go, but I sure need to. 

[Will am I]

Thanks

Indeed I learned a few things in a short period.

One thing I learned is that "you don't have to be looking to be looking". Maybe some guys are actively scouting women for an affair. Not me, I was looking for friendship. I didn't fully realize until too late that my heart was actually very much open to the opporunity of meeting someone beyond friendship. 

Another thing I learned is that I had way less control over it than I thought. When OW and I were talking on the friendly level, I thought we were safe because of a 20 year age gap. She's litterally still in college. I thought she would never look at me in "that way". Didn't see it coming when she did start to look at me "that way". Didn't have any resistance either. I felt blown away, bedazzled. And I liked that feeling way too much.

I learned not to underestimate how many of us are damaged in one way or another. There was a reason that OW fell for me as an older man, and the reason wasn't pretty. But because we don't expose our dark secrets in new friendships, I didn't know in time.

The hardest lesson was this: even if I did my best to treat OW respectfully, the fact that she was in the OW position was never a respectful thing to begin with. This one felt so felt counter intuitive. After all I was behaving like a gentleman, no diferent than when I was dating my wife or the few other women I dated in my twenties. I was being polite, friendly, respectful in my words; the sexual parts were initiated by her; I made an effort not to be never mean, manipulative or controlling. The way I treated OW wasn't a charade either, it came from the heart to treat her well. I do like and respect her a lot, she really is a bright young lady and amazingly well educated and intelligent. I needed to step over all these thoughts and realize that what I was doing with her was really not that respectful: I was taking her time and love, while she should be preserving them to meet men her own age and getting involved with in a decent relationship, maybe even leading up to a marriage. What made this one hard is that OW did not accept this apology. As far as she's concerned I did nothing wrong. Her preference to an "arms length" type of relationship probably springs from the same root as her choice for an older man. She's more comfortable like that.

[lftbehind]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

While every couple and AP are ultimately unique, there are certainly many commonalities. I'm putting you in the "unhappy/unfulfilled in your marriage" category, for the obvious reasons you have stated - you are married to a mean drunk.

So - I guess I am wondering - what are you looking for by sharing your story? (Here, and on other boards where I suspect folks were a lot more triggered by you sharing it.)

No one here is capable of fixing your marriage or "fixing" your husband if you cannot. We cannot give you the courage or financial ability to leave it if that is the best option, but you believe isn't feasible. You'd have to work on/develop that capability. Nor can we make your OM more honest if he is actually married or dating others himself.

A person stuck in an unhappy marriage only has so many options - 1) work on/improve the marriage,  2) leave it,  3) cheat to help yourself feel better (typically temporarily),  4) open the marriage with your partner's permission, and 5) try to ignore the problems/"make the best of it" (which can be a LOT easier said than done for some folks) and develop other interests and ways to feel somewhat fulfilled in life.

If you're looking for "understanding" - well, it seems that options 1 and 2 don't work for you, attempting 4 likely wouldn't go well, and you're not ready to "settle" for 5. So, that apparently leaves you doing 3. I'm not going to judge you for attempting to get your needs met, however I would point out that's (as you know from experience) likely to be transitory and only partially fulfilling.

So that brings you around to either continuing 3 until you find a man you can monkeybranch to (possible, but not particularly likely) or re-attempting some of the other options.

That's the big picture for you (as I see it). You're were probably actually already aware of all this, but sometimes spelling it out can help make the various paths you can attempt to take a bit clearer. So perhaps that is helpful.

I shared my story to get other peoples opinions about whether or not OM is married or has a girlfriend. 

I know you can't fix my marriage or OM situation  

I guess number 5 is the option that I'm choosing. 

It does help that you spelled things out the way that you did. Thanks  

[lftbehind]

12 hours ago, Will am I said:

Thanks

Indeed I learned a few things in a short period.

One thing I learned is that "you don't have to be looking to be looking". Maybe some guys are actively scouting women for an affair. Not me, I was looking for friendship. I didn't fully realize until too late that my heart was actually very much open to the opporunity of meeting someone beyond friendship. 

Another thing I learned is that I had way less control over it than I thought. When OW and I were talking on the friendly level, I thought we were safe because of a 20 year age gap. She's litterally still in college. I thought she would never look at me in "that way". Didn't see it coming when she did start to look at me "that way". Didn't have any resistance either. I felt blown away, bedazzled. And I liked that feeling way too much.

I learned not to underestimate how many of us are damaged in one way or another. There was a reason that OW fell for me as an older man, and the reason wasn't pretty. But because we don't expose our dark secrets in new friendships, I didn't know in time.

The hardest lesson was this: even if I did my best to treat OW respectfully, the fact that she was in the OW position was never a respectful thing to begin with. This one felt so felt counter intuitive. After all I was behaving like a gentleman, no diferent than when I was dating my wife or the few other women I dated in my twenties. I was being polite, friendly, respectful in my words; the sexual parts were initiated by her; I made an effort not to be never mean, manipulative or controlling. The way I treated OW wasn't a charade either, it came from the heart to treat her well. I do like and respect her a lot, she really is a bright young lady and amazingly well educated and intelligent. I needed to step over all these thoughts and realize that what I was doing with her was really not that respectful: I was taking her time and love, while she should be preserving them to meet men her own age and getting involved with in a decent relationship, maybe even leading up to a marriage. What made this one hard is that OW did not accept this apology. As far as she's concerned I did nothing wrong. Her preference to an "arms length" type of relationship probably springs from the same root as her choice for an older man. She's more comfortable like that.

It sounds like you did treat your OW well, even if it was an affair. That's good you kept it at an EA. It is easy to fall for someone when you enjoy being with them and they make you feel good about yourself. The physical attraction helps a lot, too. I guess that's it's better not to be alone with a member of the opposite sex that you're attracted to, If you are married, especially if someone ls not happy in their marriage.Did you ever think about leaving your marriage to be with her? Do ever see her around? Has it taken a while to get over her? 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Think about it this way, OP: you might as well get used to the distance now, beause it's only likely to increase when he leaves for the next work assignment. 

This is where you must start weaning yourself off and reducing your expectations, or it's going to hurt like hell when he lets it fizzle after he's gone. 

Edited June 29, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[lftbehind]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Think about it this way, OP: you might as well get used to the distance now, beause it's only likely to increase when he leaves for the next work assignment. 

This is where you must start weaning yourself off and reducing your expectations, or it's going to hurt like hell when he lets it fizzle after he's gone. 

That's what I've been thinking about tonight. I do have real feelings for him and I really feel joy when I'm with him and he does, too. I am going to miss him so much and it's going to be hard when he goes. I'm upset just thinking about it, because it's going to happen in about 1 or 2 months. I guess that's why I get upset when he goes home on the weekends and I don't hear from him, because that's the way things will be when he goes. He might talk to me some, but it probably won't be much. I'm trying to wean myself off from him now, instead of waiting until he leaves. He wants for me to keep coming over, but I haven't gone to his place in 2 weeks. I was supposed to go there this morning, but I told him that I didn't feel good. I don't feel good physically, because I've been worrying about him and not sleeping well. 

I have talked to him about just being friends, but he wants to keep seeing me. It's hard for me to just close that door. I am avoiding going to his place, though. I feel like I have more feelings for him than he has for me. I think that he has some, though. 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I am avoiding going to his place, though.

That is smart. Start distancing yourself now. It will prepare you for the end of this. 

[Will am I]

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

It sounds like you did treat your OW well, even if it was an affair.

In my opinion the treatment we give people should not be determined by the type of the relationship. 

I had several reasons to be want to treat xOW well. First there's this moral principle about how I like to be respectful to people. Some people make it easy to comply to this principe because I find them likable (the "bright young lady" part I wrote about). And of course it's easy to be sweet to someone if they're being so sweet to you.

 

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

That's good you kept it at an EA.

I don't think it's my merit in particular. She lives a two hour flight away. If I wanted to arrange a date (and hide it from my wife), I'd need to go to lengths.

I think that if we had stayed in the affair longer, eventually we would have gotten to that point. I'd find creative ways to establish new business relations in her area or she'd find herself on a holiday trip to my area.

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

It is easy to fall for someone when you enjoy being with them and they make you feel good about yourself. The physical attraction helps a lot, too. I guess that's it's better not to be alone with a member of the opposite sex that you're attracted to, If you are married, especially if someone ls not happy in their marriage.

Those are good rules. In real life I generally live by these rules.

Online the lines can blur. It's so easy to go from public forum posts to private messages to e-mail and beyond.

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

Did you ever think about leaving your marriage to be with her? Do ever see her around? Has it taken a while to get over her? 

No. I had it clear that there was no future for me and OW. Even in the middle of "affair brain fog" this part was clear.

In an EA it's easy to step over two decades of age difference, in a real relationship it's not so easy. Age wise, she's "pre-kids", I'm "post-kids" for example. Plus a few other obstacles like the geographical distance. I would either need to relocate her away from her family and other roots into a strange country where she doesn't speak the language yet. Or I'd need to move far away from my kids and destroy the possibility of having good child visitation arrangements and indirectly the relationship with my children in the future.

I'm still getting over her. I recognize that the EA should never have happened and I take responsibility for opening my heart way too much and responding very sweetly when xOW started moving the communication into inappropriate territories. But thinking about her I still have warm feelings, I think she's amazing.

 

[stillafool]

On 6/26/2022 at 3:07 PM, lftbehind said:

It has felt good to have someone to talk to and be with.

Have you thought of getting a female friend to talk to and confide in?  Why does it always have to be a man?

[lftbehind]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That is smart. Start distancing yourself now. It will prepare you for the end of this. 

He keeps asking me, though. I'll need to tell him that I think that we should just be friends, it's hard to keep making excuses why I can't come over. 

[lftbehind]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Have you thought of getting a female friend to talk to and confide in?  Why does it always have to be a man?

I'm at work most of the day and most of the people speak other languages, so I can't communicate with them. 

[lftbehind]

13 hours ago, Will am I said:

In my opinion the treatment we give people should not be determined by the type of the relationship. 

I had several reasons to be want to treat xOW well. First there's this moral principle about how I like to be respectful to people. Some people make it easy to comply to this principe because I find them likable (the "bright young lady" part I wrote about). And of course it's easy to be sweet to someone if they're being so sweet to you.

 

I don't think it's my merit in particular. She lives a two hour flight away. If I wanted to arrange a date (and hide it from my wife), I'd need to go to lengths.

I think that if we had stayed in the affair longer, eventually we would have gotten to that point. I'd find creative ways to establish new business relations in her area or she'd find herself on a holiday trip to my area.

Those are good rules. In real life I generally live by these rules.

Online the lines can blur. It's so easy to go from public forum posts to private messages to e-mail and beyond.

No. I had it clear that there was no future for me and OW. Even in the middle of "affair brain fog" this part was clear.

In an EA it's easy to step over two decades of age difference, in a real relationship it's not so easy. Age wise, she's "pre-kids", I'm "post-kids" for example. Plus a few other obstacles like the geographical distance. I would either need to relocate her away from her family and other roots into a strange country where she doesn't speak the language yet. Or I'd need to move far away from my kids and destroy the possibility of having good child visitation arrangements and indirectly the relationship with my children in the future.

I'm still getting over her. I recognize that the EA should never have happened and I take responsibility for opening my heart way too much and responding very sweetly when xOW started moving the communication into inappropriate territories. But thinking about her I still have warm feelings, I think she's amazing.

 

 

I guess it's good she lived so far. I know that you still got very attached to her, though. When you get physical with someone, I think it's worse and you get even more attached. I'm trying not to think about the closeness I felt being with OM. He is trying to get me to come over, which makes it harder. 

I can see how you get to know someone online, if you talk to them a lot. The age difference would have been hard, if you wanted to be together. There were a lot of obstacles for both of you. OM and I are in the same stage of life, but I'm 5 years older that him. He says that he has always liked women that are older that him. I don't notice the age difference. We will have the geographical distance soon, which will be a huge problem. I don't think that the communication will be good then. 

I hope that you get over her. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself, it is easy to get attached to someone that you can talk to and they make you feel good. 

Edited June 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed double quote

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

 I'll need to tell him that I think that we should just be friends, it's hard to keep making excuses why I can't come over. 

Yes, exactly. 

He knows you are married, right? I assume he will get why you two should just be friends now. 

[Will am I]

46 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I guess it's good she lived so far. I know that you still got very attached to her, though. When you get physical with someone, I think it's worse and you get even more attached.

Yes, indeed. Apart from the increased attachment, there would also be another consideration. I would have probably had intercourse with xOW. The infidelity would be full circle. 

Maybe this is a male line of thought, but I do find some reassurance in the fact that it was “only long distance” hence I never slept with anyone else over the course of my marriage.

Women may hold a different view, I’ve read from women who cared much more about the emotional side of their mens’ affairs than the physical side. Maybe the idea of your husband establishing anintimate bond with a viable new partner is more threatening than the idea of him having sex outside the marriage.

46 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I'm trying not to think about the closeness I felt being with OM. He is trying to get me to come over, which makes it harder. 

AP wanting you to come over to his home out of state, that seems like a new turn of events?

The question is what he is really pursuing. Is this an attempt to prolongue the affair or to upgrade it into a relationship?

46 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I can see how you get to know someone online, if you talk to them a lot.

True. The amount of communication was significant. During the affair I would probably spend five times more communicating with xOW than with my wife.

46 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

The age difference would have been hard, if you wanted to be together.

Indeed. Especially because I consider myself “post children”. With her I’d need to change that perspective and become a father again around the age of 50. Doable, but not something I would have chosen.

46 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

OM and I are in the same stage of life, but I'm 5 years older that him. He says that he has always liked women that are older that him. I don't notice the age difference.

5 years in adult age is barely significant. And when you get older, the female partner being the older partner aligns better with health and life expectancy.

46 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

We will have the geographical distance soon, which will be a huge problem. I don't think that the communication will be good then. 

Apparently there is a part of you that is considering a future with him.

He seems to be as well. But I do have my doubts about the nature of what he’s trying to reach. Long distance prolongued affair or something more substantial. He needs to be more open.

But that’s him and this is about you. Would you leave your husband and move out of state to be with your AP for real?

46 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I hope that you get over her. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself, it is easy to get attached to someone that you can talk to and they make you feel good. 

Thank you.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I'm at work most of the day and most of the people speak other languages, so I can't communicate with them. 

So how do you work if most of the people speak there speak other languages that you don't understand?  You don't have to chose a woman you work with as a friend.  Just like you call this man up who lives 12 hours away to talk, I'm sure you can find female friends too if you're reaching that far.

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So how do you work if most of the people speak there speak other languages that you don't understand?  You don't have to chose a woman you work with as a friend.  Just like you call this man up who lives 12 hours away to talk, I'm sure you can find female friends too if you're reaching that far.

Or a counsellor. Or a family member back home. Or the other women at church.

All too often people present in this board as if their affair partner is literally their only source of support and companionship - if not for this one person, I would be so lonely and desperate. That’s not true - there are often family members, community members, coworkers, fellow church members, online support groups, counsellors… Seek other support, it will be a much healthier option for you than this affair partner. 

[S2B]

it’s clear - that you will become close to the person you share time/feelings with.

you don’t pursue that with your husband now. But the attempt to connect that way with OM - as he goes dark while at his home (red flag).

and now a reason why you don’t get interested in your work people. Ok.

then get professional help! See a trained counselor. Seek help to guide you to better decisions about your actions. And don’t blame others - you are the only one responsible for your actions.

[lftbehind]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, exactly. 

He knows you are married, right? I assume he will get why you two should just be friends now. 

I think that he gets it, but of course he wants more. 

[lftbehind]

12 hours ago, Will am I said:

Yes, indeed. Apart from the increased attachment, there would also be another consideration. I would have probably had intercourse with xOW. The infidelity would be full circle. 

Maybe this is a male line of thought, but I do find some reassurance in the fact that it was “only long distance” hence I never slept with anyone else over the course of my marriage.

Women may hold a different view, I’ve read from women who cared much more about the emotional side of their mens’ affairs than the physical side. Maybe the idea of your husband establishing anintimate bond with a viable new partner is more threatening than the idea of him having sex outside the marriage.

AP wanting you to come over to his home out of state, that seems like a new turn of events?

The question is what he is really pursuing. Is this an attempt to prolongue the affair or to upgrade it into a relationship?

True. The amount of communication was significant. During the affair I would probably spend five times more communicating with xOW than with my wife.

Indeed. Especially because I consider myself “post children”. With her I’d need to change that perspective and become a father again around the age of 50. Doable, but not something I would have chosen.

5 years in adult age is barely significant. And when you get older, the female partner being the older partner aligns better with health and life expectancy.

Apparently there is a part of you that is considering a future with him.

He seems to be as well. But I do have my doubts about the nature of what he’s trying to reach. Long distance prolongued affair or something more substantial. He needs to be more open.

But that’s him and this is about you. Would you leave your husband and move out of state to be with your AP for real?

Thank you.

I think that an EA isn't as bad as a PA. It's good that yours was only a EA. I can see how some women could care more about the emotional side of the affair, too. 

AP wants me to come to his extended stay place that's near where I live. He's going to his home state, that's twelve hours away this weekend. 

He wants for us to keep seeing each other until he leaves this job, then I don't know how much I'll hear from him. 

Sounds like you were very attached to your xOW. It must have been hard to let go of her. 

I have thought about a future with him. I don't even know if he's single. He doesn't communicate with me when he's out of town, so I don't think a long distance affair would work with him. 

I thought about moving to his state, if I split up with my husband. He's made comments about taking me to his state, sort of joking around.