My story

[lftbehind]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

So how do you work if most of the people speak there speak other languages that you don't understand?  You don't have to chose a woman you work with as a friend.  Just like you call this man up who lives 12 hours away to talk, I'm sure you can find female friends too if you're reaching that far.

I don't talk to people much. Some of the people know a little English, but It's very hard to have conversations with them. I don't go many places, besides work. OM is staying in my area while he is working at my job. His home state is 12 hours away. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

He's made comments about taking me to his state, sort of joking around. 

Take all such talk with a giant boulder of salt.

He won't even communicate with you when he's there. There is no way he's going to bring you there. 

[lftbehind]

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Or a counsellor. Or a family member back home. Or the other women at church.

All too often people present in this board as if their affair partner is literally their only source of support and companionship - if not for this one person, I would be so lonely and desperate. That’s not true - there are often family members, community members, coworkers, fellow church members, online support groups, counsellors… Seek other support, it will be a much healthier option for you than this affair partner. 

I see how other options for companionship are a healthier option than OM. He'll be leaving here soon and I will definitely miss him. I just like talking to him and talking about how our days were. 

[lftbehind]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Take all such talk with a giant boulder of salt.

He won't even communicate with you when he's there. There is no way he's going to bring you there. 

That makes sense, I guess he talks about me going to his state, because he probably doesn't think that I will go there. 

He's going home this weekend and is already talking about how he's going to be on his boat and he's going out to an area where he won't have any phone reception. I guess he's telling me to not expect any communication from him until Tuesday, when he leaves there. It sounds bad when I write it out. 

[lftbehind]

11 hours ago, S2B said:

it’s clear - that you will become close to the person you share time/feelings with.

you don’t pursue that with your husband now. But the attempt to connect that way with OM - as he goes dark while at his home (red flag).

and now a reason why you don’t get interested in your work people. Ok.

then get professional help! See a trained counselor. Seek help to guide you to better decisions about your actions. And don’t blame others - you are the only one responsible for your actions.

I spend time with my husband. Sometimes he is hard to get along with, I can't even talk to him or be myself around him. Also the substance abuse gets in the way. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I guess he's telling me to not expect any communication from him until Tuesday, when he leaves there.

Yes, that's exactly what he's telling you. You already know to expect this, though. 

 

[lftbehind]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, that's exactly what he's telling you. You already know to expect this, though. 

 

I do, unfortunately. Last time he went home, he told me could text me some, but It was only a few sentences in 3 days. No communication was almost better than that.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, yes. He's trying not to get caught. 

[S2B]

23 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I spend time with my husband. Sometimes he is hard to get along with, I can't even talk to him or be myself around him. Also the substance abuse gets in the way. 

So divorce him. If you aren’t happy in the marriage divorce him.

but don’t expect anything from this OM who won’t even communicate with you unless he’s in your area.

he definitely makes excuses because he has his real life where he lives. That means he’s taken or married.

[Will am I]

I thought he was inviting you to his home out of state, that would have been a turn of events. This, I wouldn’t attach too much value. I feel you are being arms lengthed still, you the AP but not the next wife so to speak.

 

About xOW: yes I was (am) feeling attached. Speaking about these feelings in this topic made me realize that it runs deeper than I would have thought.

The infatuation is more or less behind me, but I still do feel a conmection and a lot of appreciation for her. Thinking about it now I guess you could call that “love”. The feeling that I would have cared for her even at the cost of personal and other sacrifice, not unlike when you’re getting into a serious relationship.

[S2B]

On 6/26/2022 at 10:57 PM, lftbehind said:

Where's a good place online to do research? He's says that he lives on a boat, so I'm not sure if that would show up in a search. 

Do a search - there are a few top companies that will provide extensive info if you pay like $50. I’m not sure the rules allow me to give out company names here.

By it would show if he owns a boat. It would show if he has an address, criminal history, relatives etc. 

but this is going to based off of info he’s given you and IF that is even true and correct info.

he can tell you anything he wants… that doesn’t mean it’s true.

so if you think he lives in an area that’s 12 hours away but he actually doesn’t live there - yet the area you are searching for is 12 hours away - you could come up with incorrect info because he’s been lying about it.

so ask him where he was born and where he lived growing up. Ask if he has siblings and where they live. Then use that info to choose the right person when you do the search for his history and current info.

you may also be capable of finding a few of his relatives on social media - and possibly he would be listed under their friends. Just because he tells you something doesn’t mean it’s true.

see who he’s related to. See if they have any connections with him that shows his family life - most will.

can you even be sure you know his REAL name?

side note - a lot of electricians don’t wear a wedding ring.

Edited June 30, 2022 by S2B

[lftbehind]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

So divorce him. If you aren’t happy in the marriage divorce him.

but don’t expect anything from this OM who won’t even communicate with you unless he’s in your area.

he definitely makes excuses because he has his real life where he lives. That means he’s taken or married.

I might eventually divorce

I think you're right about not expecting from OM. 

You're probably right that he's taken or married. I have no way of knowing for sure  

[lftbehind]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

I thought he was inviting you to his home out of state, that would have been a turn of events. This, I wouldn’t attach too much value. I feel you are being arms lengthed still, you the AP but not the next wife so to speak.

 

About xOW: yes I was (am) feeling attached. Speaking about these feelings in this topic made me realize that it runs deeper than I would have thought.

The infatuation is more or less behind me, but I still do feel a conmection and a lot of appreciation for her. Thinking about it now I guess you could call that “love”. The feeling that I would have cared for her even at the cost of personal and other sacrifice, not unlike when you’re getting into a serious relationship.

I don't attach too much value. I know that he likes seeing me, but this isn't his real life. It's just one of his job assignments. I haven't gone over to his place for 2 weeks. 

Sorry if I triggered feelings of attachment to xOW  

I guess that you'll have a feeling of connection for a while, since you two were so close. That's good the infatuation is behind you. 

[lftbehind]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Do a search - there are a few top companies that will provide extensive info if you pay like $50. I’m not sure the rules allow me to give out company names here.

By it would show if he owns a boat. It would show if he has an address, criminal history, relatives etc. 

but this is going to based off of info he’s given you and IF that is even true and correct info.

he can tell you anything he wants… that doesn’t mean it’s true.

so if you think he lives in an area that’s 12 hours away but he actually doesn’t live there - yet the area you are searching for is 12 hours away - you could come up with incorrect info because he’s been lying about it.

so ask him where he was born and where he lived growing up. Ask if he has siblings and where they live. Then use that info to choose the right person when you do the search for his history and current info.

you may also be capable of finding a few of his relatives on social media - and possibly he would be listed under their friends. Just because he tells you something doesn’t mean it’s true.

see who he’s related to. See if they have any connections with him that shows his family life - most will.

can you even be sure you know his REAL name?

side note - a lot of electricians don’t wear a wedding ring.

Thanks for all the info. I'll see what I can find out about him. He's probably telling me the truth about everything, but his marital status or whether he has a girlfriend. He probably doesn't think that I would investigate him. You never know, though. 

[lftbehind]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, yes. He's trying not to get caught. 

Very true

[Will am I]

22 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

Sorry if I triggered feelings of attachment to xOW  

Don't worry. You didn't trigger them and you should not feel guilty.

But talking about it just made me realize that underneath the infatuation that's more or less gone, I did develop some deeper feelings and these have stuck around longer. Probably they will stay for a while, it's ok.

[Amethyst68]

You know all this talk about treating the AP with respect etc is all well and good but you can't take away the fact that by doing this you're actually treating your spouse the exact opposite! They're the one you're supposed to respect and safeguard not treat with sheer disrespect and disdain! 

Again the not going into this looking for an affair is rubbish. If that were tbe case all contact would have been open and above board from the start.  Secrecy means you know you're doing something you're not supposed to,  that your spouse would object to. 

Affairs are an exercise in low boundaries and bad decisions. Trying to romanticise them does not change this. 

OP, stop focusing on this man and focus in yourself. Use your energies to leave your marriage if that's what's best for you. Yes, leaving may be hard initially but things will improve! 

 

[lftbehind]

2 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

You know all this talk about treating the AP with respect etc is all well and good but you can't take away the fact that by doing this you're actually treating your spouse the exact opposite! They're the one you're supposed to respect and safeguard not treat with sheer disrespect and disdain! 

Again the not going into this looking for an affair is rubbish. If that were tbe case all contact would have been open and above board from the start.  Secrecy means you know you're doing something you're not supposed to,  that your spouse would object to. 

Affairs are an exercise in low boundaries and bad decisions. Trying to romanticise them does not change this. 

OP, stop focusing on this man and focus in yourself. Use your energies to leave your marriage if that's what's best for you. Yes, leaving may be hard initially but things will improve! 

 

You're right

I wasn't looking for an affair, but I guess that I was open to it. I should have resisted. 

Affairs are bad decisions and I haven't been going to his place anymore. I have bee talking to him a little, but it's not romantic.  

I do need to focus on myself and what's best for everyone. 

[lftbehind]

5 hours ago, Will am I said:

Don't worry. You didn't trigger them and you should not feel guilty.

But talking about it just made me realize that underneath the infatuation that's more or less gone, I did develop some deeper feelings and these have stuck around longer. Probably they will stay for a while, it's ok.

That's good. 

I guess the feelings can last a long time, it shows that you cared a lot. 

[S2B]

Where does your husband think you are - when you spend time with the OM?

[stillafool]

But this isn't your first affair on your husband, is it Iftbehind?

[Amethyst68]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But this isn't your first affair on your husband, is it Iftbehind?

Just checked OP's previous threads.  Serial cheat (self confessed) who had been doing this for a long time. 

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Just checked OP's previous threads.  Serial cheat (self confessed) who had been doing this for a long time. 

So why not get a divorce lftbehind instead of continuing to cheat on your husband.  Let him go so he can find someone who actually loves and wants him.  Why do you feel the need to have all of these affairs?

[S2B]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So why not get a divorce lftbehind instead of continuing to cheat on your husband.  Let him go so he can find someone who actually loves and wants him.  Why do you feel the need to have all of these affairs?

That’s really mean to do that to your husband.
 

Edited June 30, 2022 by S2B

[lftbehind]

7 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Just checked OP's previous threads.  Serial cheat (self confessed) who had been doing this for a long time. 

I would have answered the question myself, but I was at work. Thanks