I'm in love with my Wife's friend, and have been for years

[jc1991]

Me and my wife are both 30yo. We have been together since we were 21(On and off). When I met her she had 3 week old son from previous abusive relationship. I raised him as my own. We were together for 2 years before we had our own son. After 6 years together we got married, and we have now been married for going on 4 years. I love my wife and our family but we have had many issues in our relationship over the past almost 10 years. Lots of infidelity(mostly her). Her friend Amanda iv know since before I knew my wife and I have always had a crush on her.(Amanda has also admitted publicly that she has had a strong attraction to me as well) She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. She's very smart and has an amazing sense of humor. Even though I always had an attraction to her, it wasn't until the last couple years iv noticed I have been drawn to her more and more. I think about her everyday. I have always just tried to push these thoughts out of my head but they don't go away. I can't help but think how much happier I would be if I was in a relationship with her instead of my wife. Amanda and my wife have not been very close friends for a few years now and I honestly believe that if I left my wife, then she would come around and we would end up together. Needing some advice on the best ways to handle this situation. Should I just keep trying to push these thoughts out of my head? Or should I [ ]  go for it? I dont like the idea of splitting up my family but me and my wife's relationship is toxic 70% of the time and I have no doubt at all that me and Amanda would have a loving understanding and much healthier relationship together. Any honest, non preachy advice would be appreciated.

Edited June 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

So you're saying you would divorce your wife and accept joint custody of the kids if Amanda felt the same as you?  Only one way to find out and that is to tell Amanda how you feel and tell her what you're willing to do to have her.  Ask her if she feels the same and if so tell your wife that you love Amanda and file for divorce.  Did your feelings for your wife change after you found out she was cheating on you?  

[basil67]

If your relationship is so bad, you'd be wise to leave it regardless of your relationship with Amanda.  So unfair to keep the children in such a toxic household. 

[Will am I]

The history between you and your wife is not exactly a fairytale is it?

Try not to idealize this other woman too much. If you had to live with her, you would also see a less attractive side of her. When you're struggling in your marriage, maybe fighting a lot with your wife or maybe icing each other out sometimes, many other women look lovely in contrast with your wife. It's an unfair comparison between a woman who appears attractive and understanding and fun on the outside and a woman with whom you share a life and a lot of concerns and things that aren't going very well.

I needed to mention that first.

 

What concerns me about your marriage is that you got together at a very young age with a woman who just came out of a bad relationship with a baby and zero time to heal her wounds. And that your wife has not been able to find healing over the years that followed. She's still struggling and she's coping through infidelity. Maybe the "bad boy" attraction hasn't worn off yet (which would be a bit immature for a 30 y/o mom of two). 

 

Maybe it's time for you to be honest. With the other woman, don't try to seduce her but sit with her and share your true feelings. She will either distance herself or invite you into a relationship with her if she feels the same.

Also be honest with your wife. That you're not going to put up with how things have been going and that it got so bad that you started developing strong feelings for another woman. I imagine she'd probably get very mad, but you'd only be honest and truthful. That's not to blame. 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why not divorce, and then go for it?

Introducing more chaos into what sounds like an already-toxic marriage makes no sense. 

[mark clemson]

On 6/26/2022 at 4:09 PM, jc1991 said:

... should I [ ]  go for it? I dont like the idea of splitting up my family but me and my wife's relationship is toxic 70% of the time and I have no doubt at all that me and Amanda would have a loving understanding and much healthier relationship together.

No one can tell you whether your relationship with Amanda would be a success/fulfilling or not. It certainly might be.

It does sound like you may be idealizing Amanda, and also you're married to a difficult partner and unhappy, unfortunately, which probably isn't helping with that.