Overthinking, jealousy, dumb thoughts?

[girafficshark]

My boyfriend and I are in a solid relationship. It is still new to everyone else's standards, but our timeline is our own. We are both adults with very intense jobs, but we fell in love and our relationship has been very solid. We have been dating for a little over six months now and of course we have had an argument or two, but we communicate great and get through everything. There isn't anything I feel like I can't talk about. 

Well, recently things have been a little off feeling. I have brought this up to him and he has reassured me everything is just fine, and I think it is, but I think I am starting to overthink everything. I have been in very toxic relationships in the past and I am struggling with my own insecurities, which is why I came to this forum to kind of talk through some of the thoughts going on in my head. I haven't ever been in such a healthy, loving relationship before and I don't want to mess anything up if there's nothing to make a mess over. 

A little over a month ago, one of his coworkers brought up this story about a girl he tried to get with that works at our favorite bar spot. Before he met me he apparently got drunk and got her number and the girl met up with them at the end of the night, but supposedly ended up leaving and not with my boyfriend. I've interacted with the girl several times and even the night I first met my boyfriend, we went to that bar and I joked with him that the bartender has a crush on him.

He just told me that him and his coworkers go there all the time and that is how she knows him that it is nothing else. Which, that is the truth, but he failed to mention that he tried to get with her. Now, every time we go out to that bar and that girl flirts with him, it makes me jealous and uncomfortable.

I brought up the story his coworker told me and why he didn't just tell me the truth about it. He told me that t was embarrassing and there wasn't really anything to tell, he got over his crush fairly quickly, and that she has a boyfriend now, too. We always go to that bar and she always is the one serving us and now I can't look at it the same. She definitely flirts with him in front of me or at least it seems that way. 

Am I crazy? Should I even worry about it? I love the bar a lot, it is our favorite spot, but it also makes me uncomfortable because in my mind I'm like maybe he is going there because he wants to see her. It just makes me overthink a lot and it worries me because he mentioned she has a boyfriend too so it makes me wonder if she would be with him if neither one of them had someone or what the situation was. Maybe I am reading too far into it and it was just a desperate, drunk move. Knowing my boyfriend as well as I know him, it just seems like he wouldn't be that type of guy to try to just get with someone while drunk so I don't know. I don't even know why I am so worried about it and I don't know how to stop worrying about it. 

Edited June 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Weezy1973]

54 minutes ago, girafficshark said:

.She definitely flirts with him in front of me or at least it seems that way. Am I crazy?

Does he flirt with her in front of you? That would be way more concerning. She might be flirting because it gets her better tips as a bartender or she might actually still have a thing for him. But really all that matters is whether or not he has a thing for her. Which he says he’s over. So I’d trust him unless you see signs from him that’s it’s not true.

[glows]

I think you're insecure and feeling vulnerable. These things are inevitable when you open your heart to someone. Think it through a bit more. Does he respond to her flirting and flirt back? How does he behave when he's around you? People are polite but shut that down fast when they're with their partners. If he flirts back with her then what you have is a shameless flirt who can't help himself at the expense of your relationship as this isn't exactly part of the deal. You're not swingers or in an open relationship or even entertaining that so why should you put up with someone who is vastly incompatible with you in terms of personality? 

It's all in how he behaves when he's with you and without you. 

And six months to five years is when you see true colours come out so keep your eyes peeled. This is just the beginning and the tip of the iceberg. I would be aware of incompatibilities in character/personality than bother with third parties or some other woman.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, girafficshark said:

he failed to mention that he tried to get with her. Now, every time we go out to that bar and that girl flirts with him, it makes me jealous and uncomfortable. I brought up the story his coworker told me 

Try not to base this relationship on past relationships.

It would have been crass for him to reiterate that some bartender flirted with him. Bartenders work for tips so they are not trying "get with him". His crass/drunk friends put that idea on the table. It's locker-room talk.

Find other places to go. That's the solution. Start researching other places to spend time. Why do you have to hang out with his friends/coworkers or go to the same places?

[smackie9]

I worked at a club...everyone flirts with everyone because it's just part of the business. If you find it too unnerving go hang out somewhere else. Can't be the only place to drink in town.