I'm a secret

[Meigs2010]

I have never really used anything like this, but I’m going to try to give this a try. So…here it goes. 
 

I have recently gotten back together with my youngest son’s father. He’s an absolute wonderful father! Sometimes such a good father that he doesn’t know how to let loose and have a life of his own. 
 

We were split up for about 2 1/2 years and I don’t think that neither one of us really moved on. Things got rough for a little bit, but for the most part, we were really good to one another. Right before we got together this past time, we were talking and he didn’t give any kind of effort so I ended it and told him that I wanted to go back to co-parenting. I told him my needs were not being met but I loved him and I wanted to continue to be wonderful parents and work together. He never responded to it and we went about our way and continued to do well for our son we share. I was finally moving on and then one day we had to take our son to a doctors appointment 2 hours away(we do that often together because he has a heart defect and goes through open heart surgeries). I dropped him off at his car as I always do after the appointment and we went our separate ways. That was the first time I was okay with that and my heart was at peace. Out of nowhere, he messaged me later that night telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He was scared but he was ready to be together and be the best version of himself for me and our 3 kids(we both have a child from a previous relationship). He came over that night. We cried, cuddled, and it was like we didn’t miss a beat. 

fast forward a month or so. He backed off and we would see each other twice a month even though we live 20 minutes from each other. I talked to him about it and he said he didn’t know what to tell me. He had a life and he comes over and sees me when he can. He hides me on social media. I’ve had multiple discussions with him about it and it finally came out that his family don’t know and some won’t be happy(his mother). His mother and I have not always seen eye to eye and she’s very overbearing and nosey. My family is scared and nervous about us getting together cause they don’t want to see me hurt again, but they do support me. It hurts me that he hides me when I’m so proud of him and make stands for him. Everyone tells me it might be another woman, but I truly don’t think so. When he comes over, we have a good time. Our sex life is amazing and he’s so passionate and giving during sex, but it’s like he can’t transfer that outside of the bedroom. I’m always the first to say I love you or miss him. He doesn’t find me funny at all or get my sense of humor. It’s like we have nothing in common but we love each other so much. Can anyone give me some advice here. Am I overthinking this? Should I be this hurt by these things? Is this something that can be worked out? Should we have things in Common? 
 

I’ve tried to talk to him about these things but he’s hard to talk to and always thinks I’m attacking him. He has straight up said that he thinks I’m the issue. He doesn’t like to see his part in anything. I try to so hard to keep him happy but I’m exhausted and I feel like my cup is being filled at all. And I can’t go over to his house cause he lives on his moms property and I think he doesn’t want her to see me there but he says he can’t get comfortable at my house. I just don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if it can be fixed. I love him so much and hope someone from outside the situation can give me some advice. Good or bad. 

Edited June 28, 2022 by Meigs2010

[stillafool]

Don't you find it strange that he told you this:

23 minutes ago, Meigs2010 said:

Out of nowhere, he messaged me later that night telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He was scared but he was ready to be together and be the best version of himself for me and our 3 kids(we both have a child from a previous relationship). He came over that night. We cried, cuddled, and it was like we didn’t miss a beat. 

.....and then did nothing he said he was going to do?  I know you love him but is he really in love with you?  Why would he say the above and then be too much or a coward to stand up to his mama and tell her he's going to be with you and then you and the kids move in together?  If I were you I would stop this so called relationship immediately and only see him again when it involves your son or after he's set his mother straight.  How old are you guys?  

Also the fact that he won't stay over at your place makes me think he's got another girlfriend.  Sorry.

[Meigs2010]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Don't you find it strange that he told you this:

.....and then did nothing he said he was going to do?  I know you love him but is he really in love with you?  Why would he say the above and then be too much or a coward to stand up to his mama and tell her he's going to be with you and then you and the kids move in together?  If I were you I would stop this so called relationship immediately and only see him again when it involves your son or after he's set his mother straight.  How old are you guys?  

Also the fact that he won't stay over at your place makes me think he's got another girlfriend.  Sorry.

I’m 30 and he’s 32. He does come over stay every once in awhile but the next day he tells me he’s so tired and is sleeping like crap at my house. So, I feel bad and tell him he doesn’t have to stay. I knows he hiding it from someone because he refused to put anything with me on Facebook or react or comment on my stuff. 

[stillafool]

Have you actually asked him what y'all are going to do now that you're back together?  

When does he see you and the kids all moving back in together?

When is he going to tell his mother that he's back with you and plans to stay?

Ask him these hard questions and if his answers aren't what you agreed upon stop seeing him because it's never going to happen.

[BaileyB]

While it may feel familiar to be back with him again, I think you are also remembering why it didn’t work the first time. 

I’m not sure that you can fix it if he’s hard to talk to and he says that you are attacking him. There’s not much room to compromise there…

[glows]

I would not confuse support during a difficult time with your son’s health as coparents with the idea of a relationship. I think you are romanticizing too much and he knows exactly the words to say to get you in bed and have sex. You may not like that and believe that he cares and he probably does but not in the way you wish he would. 

Go through and reread again all the reservations you have in your first post and rethink this. Stop having sex with him if it’s causing too much confusion for you. You may be feeling lonely and that’s ok. Try dealing with that in less destructive and confusing ways. Meet singles in your area and have better boundaries regarding your son’s father.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Meigs2010 said:

  I can’t go over to his house cause he lives on his moms property and I think he doesn’t want her to see me there 

Sorry this is happening. Focus solely on yourself and your children. Focus on co-parenting and making sure he provides appropriate child support. 

Don't allow this type of disrespect to continue, where he is invited to your place but you're banned from his.

Do you have a court ordered child support order and court ordered structured visitation and custody agreements?

Make your children a priority and focus on good co-parenting relationships with their fathers

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, Meigs2010 said:

I’m always the first to say I love you or miss him. He doesn’t find me funny at all or get my sense of humor. It’s like we have nothing in common

In other words, you're familiar to each other and physcially attracted to each other - but you aren't right for each other. 

And maybe he realizes this too and doesn't know how to tell you that this isn't going to lead anywhere further. What you're describing has less to do with being a secret, and more to do with the fact that you're actually not compatible anymore. 

[S2B]

It didn’t work for reasons… 

it likely won’t work now unless both of you completely changed and understand the new version of yourselves.

he’s hiding you. Don’t you want to respect yourself enough to say “this isn’t good enough for me!”…?

just don’t revisit the past relationships that didn’t work. It usually ended because it should. I think revisiting old relationships is a lazy way to see someone.