Both married to other people

[Redwoodgirl]

This is my first post and I am sure my story is similar to others. My affair partner and I have been together almost a year and we are very much in love. We want to be together but are married to other people. We are not kids we are both in our 50s. We are talking 30 plus years with our spouses and each have grown children. We don't want to hurt them but we know we belong together. Of course like every one else we can't believe this has happened to us. Neither one of us has ever cheated before. Anyone else in a similar situation? Just needing to talk about this

[Atwood]

I know you don't want to hurt your spouses, but consider that you already are hurting them, they just don't know about it yet. You are concealing the truth and deceiving them only because you don't want to deal with their reaction. This isn't fair on anybody. You're not a present or fully invested person in your relationships, you can't be a fully present partner for your AP, you are a role model for your children and currently modelling betrayal and deception, and you yourself are putting yourself through a double-life. 

If you know you belong together, put the breaks on your affair for a few weeks and approach leaving your marriages. It's up to you whether or not you decide to provide the details of the affair (you probably should if you plan on going official with your AP so you don't blindside your family), but at the very least break up so that they can stop being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with them anymore. 

Yes, you cheated and it's a betrayal. Your spouse is going to be angry and hurt and they have that right. Face the consequences of your actions and make better choices moving forward. 

 

[stillafool]

If you both know you're head over heels in love and definitely no longer want to be with your spouses then do them a favor and divorce.  Yes they will hurt at first but will be free to find someone who actually loves them too and then everybody can be happy.  There is no easy way to get out of your marriage without causing pain. If you stay and continue to cheat they will find out sooner or later and then your world will blow up.  Do the right thing and sit down with your OM and make an exit plan.  Or, do you guys really love each other that much or is this just some fantasy?  Love is action.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Redwoodgirl said:

My affair partner and I have been together almost a year and we are very much in love. We want to be together but are married to other people.

Read up on "Grey Divorce". Consult an attorney confidentially and privately to discuss your options in the event of divorce. Is there hesitation on his or your part to end your marriages if you plan to be together?

[BaileyB]

Indeed, do your spouses a favour and divorce. Your children are grown - this will cause a HUGE reaction within the family but they will adjust. It goes without saying, there is a right way and a wrong way to do this - it would be wise to end your marriage and give it some time before introducing another man. Though it may not feel like it, divorce is a far better option for everyone than continuing the charade when you are otherwise preoccupied with another man. As they say - the right thing to do is often the hard thing. 

I’m curious though, would you have considered divorce had you not met this other married man? Are you leaving for him or because your marriage has run its course?

Edited June 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

I'm not in a similar situation, but reality is that this sort of thing is not extremely uncommon. Most humans are serial monogamists, and for better or worse, although "serial" suggests one at a time, in actual reality people do indeed sometimes "ramp up" the next relationship while the prior one is still going. Not the most ethical thing to do, but such is life. So you are hardly alone in experiencing this.

I'm not sure it's an either/or decision whether your marriage is "fully dead" vs the other person "pulling you away". I believe a certain % of marriages are "zombie"/roommate marriages that simply continue by default or "inertia". I'm not saying your marriage actually is one of those; however one could see the prospect of greater happiness with a new partner being the final element that prompts someone to leave. That's one way to look at it.

All that said, the prevailing wisdom around here is that a married AP actually leaving is rare; perhaps on the order of 5% or less. Given the millions of people in the world having affairs, that low % still includes plenty of actual people, and you two could easily be among them. However your chances (in probabilistic terms) are not particularly good. So I think that is something you should keep in mind while/if you move forward.

If I was in your situation with your (apparent) goals, I might consider asking the AP to take steps mutually. So, both at the same time e.g. announcing an intent to separate. Then finding a new, separate home. Then (if you actually intend to go through with this) initiating divorce, etc, etc. If you are so "well attuned" that you can cooperate on this, then it avoids the sort of game of chicken on "who makes the first move" that could entail in a situation like this. Someone who doesn't really have the stomach/intent to leave would likely hem and haw, which might be a tell on whether they are really serious about leaving.

Anyhow, the above is just some food for thought for you to consider.

[Redwoodgirl]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and insights. We know we have to just  move forward and end our marriages. I also agree that we aren't doing our spouses any favors by dragging this out and yes the best thing to do is tell them and move forward. It's scary but it has to be done. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Redwoodgirl said:

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and insights. We know we have to just  move forward and end our marriages. I also agree that we aren't doing our spouses any favors by dragging this out and yes the best thing to do is tell them and move forward. It's scary but it has to be done. 

Please speak with a lawyer ahead of time and discuss with your lawyer the next steps. Don't assume what needs to be said or done in separation/divorce. 

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, glows said:

Don't assume what needs to be said or done in separation/divorce. 

Also, don’t assume that he feels the same way that you do and will follow through with the divorce. There are plenty of women on this board who thought the plan was to divorce and be together forever only to discover that while they were serious, their affair partner was not. 

[Redwoodgirl]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not in a similar situation, but reality is that this sort of thing is not extremely uncommon. Most humans are serial monogamists, and for better or worse, although "serial" suggests one at a time, in actual reality people do indeed sometimes "ramp up" the next relationship while the prior one is still going. Not the most ethical thing to do, but such is life. So you are hardly alone in experiencing this.

I'm not sure it's an either/or decision whether your marriage is "fully dead" vs the other person "pulling you away". I believe a certain % of marriages are "zombie"/roommate marriages that simply continue by default or "inertia". I'm not saying your marriage actually is one of those; however one could see the prospect of greater happiness with a new partner being the final element that prompts someone to leave. That's one way to look at it.

All that said, the prevailing wisdom around here is that a married AP actually leaving is rare; perhaps on the order of 5% or less. Given the millions of people in the world having affairs, that low % still includes plenty of actual people, and you two could easily be among them. However your chances (in probabilistic terms) are not particularly good. So I think that is something you should keep in mind while/if you move forward.

If I was in your situation with your (apparent) goals, I might consider asking the AP to take steps mutually. So, both at the same time e.g. announcing an intent to separate. Then finding a new, separate home. Then (if you actually intend to go through with this) initiating divorce, etc, etc. If you are so "well attuned" that you can cooperate on this, then it avoids the sort of game of chicken on "who makes the first move" that could entail in a situation like this. Someone who doesn't really have the stomach/intent to leave would likely hem and haw, which might be a tell on whether they are really serious about leaving.

Anyhow, the above is just some food for thought for you to consider.

Thank you for some really good insights. Yes both of our marriages could be described as roommate type situations. We actually have discussed the idea of mutually telling our spouses of our intention to seperate. I know how poor the odds are on this. One caveat however is that our respective spouses are acquainted and we are in a small town so everyone would certainly know or figure out what is happening. However this would eventually be the case anyway

[glows]

The point is to end the marriage if you wish to end your own marriage and worry less about what your affair partner is doing. Your marriage isn't working for you. Be prepared to move on with your life with or without the person you're having an affair with. 

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Redwoodgirl said:

We actually have discussed the idea of mutually telling our spouses of our intention to seperate.

Has your lover contacted an attorney to discuss his options in the event of divorce? You as well should consult an attorney to review your options in the event of divorce before announcing you wish to separate.

If it's a small town and your spouses know each other do it sooner rather than later. Once your affair gets out your respective spouses could file first and put you at a disadvantage. Hopefully you two are not playing the "you go first" game where each waits for the other to divorce and it's all just talk so the affair can just carry on.

Edited June 29, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Redwoodgirl]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has your lover contacted an attorney to discuss his options in the event of divorce? You as well should consult an attorney to review your options in the event of divorce before announcing you wish to separate.

If it's a small town and your spouses know each other do it sooner rather than later. Once your affair gets out your respective spouses could file first and put you at a disadvantage. Hopefully you two are not playing the "you go first" game where each waits for the other to divorce and it's all just talk so the affair can just carry on.

We both are looking for attorneys now

[Redwoodgirl]

1 hour ago, glows said:

The point is to end the marriage if you wish to end your own marriage and worry less about what your affair partner is doing. Your marriage isn't working for you. Be prepared to move on with your life with or without the person you're having an affair with. 

I totally agree . my marriage is over no matter what happens

[Maylady]

These things never seem to work out

[glows]

44 minutes ago, Redwoodgirl said:

I totally agree . my marriage is over no matter what happens

If I were to put myself in your shoes, I'd be more concerned about ending the marriage and adjusting to the divorce first, getting well settled and not moving into living with anyone immediately for instance. Figure out your own finances and what happens with joint property through your lawyer.

It seems you have emotionally left the marriage awhile ago but keep in mind that your spouse may not and it's hard to predict how the other person will react to such news or suggesting a divorce. Cross one bridge at a time.

As far as your affair partner is concerned, there are way too many bridges that haven't been crossed yet to contemplate being together. First step is to divorce and move forwards in adjusting to being single. Then see what happens next.

I strongly suggest you keep your lives separate (with your affair partner) and not jump into anything too quickly or too involved too fast. There are also the added strings or issues that his ensuing divorce will bring even if you are able to keep it neat and tidy with your spouse. In an ideal world we'd all be able to walk away and wash our hands off of the past that no longer works for us easily. In theory it may seem clear cut. Reality may prove differently. See how it goes and take one step at a time. I would consider a future with your affair partner as part of the distant future, not a present reality.

[S2B]

7 hours ago, Redwoodgirl said:

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and insights. We know we have to just  move forward and end our marriages. I also agree that we aren't doing our spouses any favors by dragging this out and yes the best thing to do is tell them and move forward. It's scary but it has to be done. 

Your actions don’t show your spouse the love nor the respect.

gather your courage and be honest with your spouse. Your actions have killed anything that may have been good about the union.

the least you can do is divorce. You checked out a year ago. Allow your spouse this doesn’t have anything to do with him - it has to do with you.

[S2B]

3 hours ago, Redwoodgirl said:

Thank you for some really good insights. Yes both of our marriages could be described as roommate type situations. We actually have discussed the idea of mutually telling our spouses of our intention to seperate. I know how poor the odds are on this. One caveat however is that our respective spouses are acquainted and we are in a small town so everyone would certainly know or figure out what is happening. However this would eventually be the case anyway

You do your actions. Your affair partner will do his when he is ready. He may not do it at all - and you’ll need to accept that.

do your husband a favor - tell him yourself. He deserves honesty now and he deserves to know it isn’t his fault you have done this.

[mark clemson]

OP, the end of a marriage, whether an AP is involved or no, essentially never has nothing to do with the spouse being left. A "default" view of problems in a marriage would be 50/50. That % certainly isn't always the situation by any stretch. However, with a relatively normal marriage where both partners are non-abusive and relatively equally functional (or equally dysfunctional), "blame" can always be shared.

Of course blame may not matter much once a decision to divorce is reached. However, there's no reason to burden yourself unnecessarily with thoughts that problems that may exist in the marriage are "all your fault" or similar. The decision to have an affair/monkeybranch was certainly yours and done without your partner's permission. However, people unhappy in their marriage only have so many options to seek to improve how they feel, and for better or worse affairs are not a particularly uncommon choice.

I agree with folks above that faith in your AP's ability/willingness to leave MAY (or may not) turn out to not be well founded. At the risk of stating what you are already realize, if you have decided to leave, it's probably important that you be ok on your own, whether or not your AP actually leaves. We do see "hopes dashed" on that particular point around here on a fairly regular basis.

As to whether/when to tell your spouses, I think that's up to you as a lot of factors come into play. I'd suggest both you and your AP both reach agreement on this point as in a small town, if one tells, people will likely know about the other quite quickly. But again this sounds like something you already are well aware of.

Edited June 29, 2022 by mark clemson

[Redwoodgirl]

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

OP, the end of a marriage, whether an AP is involved or no, essentially never has nothing to do with the spouse being left. A "default" view of problems in a marriage would be 50/50. That % certainly isn't always the situation by any stretch. However, with a relatively normal marriage where both partners are non-abusive and relatively equally functional (or equally dysfunctional), "blame" can always be shared.

Of course blame may not matter much once a decision to divorce is reached. However, there's no reason to burden yourself unnecessarily with thoughts that problems that may exist in the marriage are "all your fault" or similar. The decision to have an affair/monkeybranch was certainly yours and done without your partner's permission. However, people unhappy in their marriage only have so many options to seek to improve how they feel, and for better or worse affairs are not a particularly uncommon choice.

I agree with folks above that faith in your AP's ability/willingness to leave MAY (or may not) turn out to not be well founded. At the risk of stating what you are already realize, if you have decided to leave, it's probably important that you be ok on your own, whether or not your AP actually leaves. We do see "hopes dashed" on that particular point around here on a fairly regular basis.

As to whether/when to tell your spouses, I think that's up to you as a lot of factors come into play. I'd suggest both you and your AP both reach agreement on this point as in a small town, if one tells, people will likely know about the other quite quickly. But again this sounds like something you already are well aware of.

 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Redwoodgirl said:

One caveat however is that our respective spouses are acquainted and we are in a small town so everyone would certainly know or figure out what is happening.

Good luck with that! Not only will you have to deal with the opinions of your respective spouses and children - you will have to deal with the gossip and the opinions of the whole town!

[Redwoodgirl]

Just now, Redwoodgirl said:

 

Thank you Mark. You seem to always be spot on. Marriage involves two people and I no longer felt loved or valued by my spouse. Yes looking outside my marriage was certainly wrong but if my emotional needs were being met it never would have happened. As for my AP only time will tell if he is as committed to us being together as I am. I believe that he is and I also know we have a long road ahead

[Redwoodgirl]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Good luck with that! Not only will you have to deal with the opinions of your respective spouses and children - you will have to deal with the gossip and the opinions of the whole town!

Yes it will be pretty awful but I'm sure after our 15 minutes of fame is up there will be someone else with an even juicier story

[S2B]

So if you were that unhappy in your marriage - why didn’t you divorce?

why didn’t you divorce before having an affair?

[Myabee]

On 6/29/2022 at 6:07 PM, glows said:

If I were to put myself in your shoes, I'd be more concerned about ending the marriage and adjusting to the divorce first, getting well settled and not moving into living with anyone immediately for instance. Figure out your own finances and what happens with joint property through your lawyer.

Yes glows. Nailed it.