Husband controlling over vehicle

[BaileysTakeFlorida]

Long story short here but this is a repeated argument in our home. 

my husband works, I’m a SAHM. My husband makes good money and has been on this electric vehicle/Tesla kick for the last year slamming and whining non stop about my “gas guzzler” vehicle. I drive a full size suv, but it is paid off. I drive to school and kids activities and for moms club events(music, art, etc). 
I love my spacious car, I enjoy driving it and I don’t particularly like change in any fashion as a huge fault of mine. 

he has been telling me to grow up, be mature, get an EV so we can save money. He has gone as far to say he’s going to cut up my card and refuse to pay for me driving it. “I’m not paying for gas anymore”. And I need to figure out a way to do so. He doesn’t care about the planet and emissions, he just doesn’t like the fuel cost and wants to be an EV family. 

I don’t want to charge an EV with kids. I don’t think the EV is large enough, and frankly, I’m really not a spender or particularly opinionated about many things but I am pretty set on keeping what I have. Frequently arguing over how I’m a sheep and basic and it’s his way of his way because it’s his money. 

can anyone please share some ideas or solutions to this….

[BaileyB]

If you had your own income you could drive whatever kind of car you chose. I would be looking for a way to earn some extra income - find a part time job, sell some Tupperware, etc… 

[Happy Lemming]

I just remembered... at my last job... my boss was killed in an accident in his Tesla.  No engine up front to protect him in the collision, just a plastic nose cone.

I bet there is a nice big engine in your SUV which is surrounded by some heavy steel infrastructure to hold it in.  Open the hood and show your husband the engine bay and front end of your truck, then go open the front trunk area of a Tesla. 

If you are ever in an accident with or without the kids, don't you want size, mass and STEEL on your side!!

 

[basil67]

To be fair, the price of gas is skyrocketing.   And while you've both got your heels dug in, this will not get resolved.  So what about compromise?  Would you drop to a smaller SUV with better economy...and if so, would he compromise towards that?

Otherwise, I second the idea of getting a job to pay for your own gas.

[Lisa]

We have just cleaned up discussion about the merits of cars.  Please note that the topic is the OP's disagreement with her husband regarding the car she wishes to drive

Edited June 30, 2022 by Lisa

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, BaileysTakeFlorida said:

 Frequently arguing over how I’m a sheep and basic and it’s his way of his way because it’s his money.

How long have you been married? How old are your children? This isn't about cars or green washing.

This is a power struggle, disrespect and verbal abuse. If you look back, you'll see that if it isn't this issue, it's something else. This is beyond 'mansplaining'.

Privately and confidentiality see a physician for an evaluation. Discuss the abuse frankly. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do Not tell him. Read up on and research mental and verbal abuse.

Marital assets are joint so you don't need your own money.  And threats to cut off money is more abuse.

Don't waste your time arguing with him about it further. Don't defend yourself, he'll just keep finding more put downs to further corrode your self esteem. It's not about the car.

Edited June 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[giotto]

Just tell your husband that you will get rid of your SUV and he can take your kids to all the activities in his EV... 🙂

[Will am I]

Two relationship problems in one car discussion:

1. your norms and values have started to diverge. Apparently the purchase of an EV has made your husband more sensitive to carbon emissions and fossil fuels. Or he got more sensitive to these issues and subsequentlty got an EV, I don't know. But right now he seems to be all about saving the planet and you're not. If the gap in our belief systems gets too big it becomes a compatibility issue in the marriage.

2. the way he speaks to you, wants to control you and invalidates you all reflect a lack of respect.

 

[giotto]

5 minutes ago, Will am I said:

1. your norms and values have started to diverge. Apparently the purchase of an EV has made your husband more sensitive to carbon emissions and fossil fuels. Or he got more sensitive to these issues and subsequentlty got an EV, I don't know.

Apparently, he doesn't really care about saving our beloved planet... he likes his EV because he is saving money on fuel... 🙂

Edited June 30, 2022 by giotto

[Will am I]

I guess those things mix. I've seen people getting into EVs and suddenly changing their entire perspective on the climate debate. Probably because it's easier to hold a certain opinion if your own behaviour is not conflicting with your beliefs. Psychologists probably have models for this.

 

When it comes to the marriage: would an EV fanatic marry a woman driving a full size SUV? Maybe he would, maybe not. It would definitely be an area of incompatibility. If the incompatibility gets big enough, they wouldn't get married. If they are already married and the incompatibility gets even a lot bigger, maybe they'd drift apart.

[giotto]

8 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I guess those things mix. I've seen people getting into EVs and suddenly changing their entire perspective on the climate debate. Probably because it's easier to hold a certain opinion if your own behaviour is not conflicting with your beliefs. Psychologists probably have models for this.

 

When it comes to the marriage: would an EV fanatic marry a woman driving a full size SUV? Maybe he would, maybe not. It would definitely be an area of incompatibility. If the incompatibility gets big enough, they wouldn't get married. If they are already married and the incompatibility gets even a lot bigger, maybe they'd drift apart.

I don't think there was any incompatibility to start with. The husband got an EV because he saves money that way and now he want his wife to get one because he pays fort the fuel. The only solution to this problem would be buying the biggest EV he can, and hopefully it would be big enough for the wife. Not knowing what SUV she drives, it's impossible to ascertain whether there would be a suitable EV for the wife. Some EVs are pretty big... 🙂

[heartwhole2]

I'm a SAHM too. My husband doesn't "pay" for me. We contribute differently to our shared life together. Similarly, we discuss our shared goals together, and we find compromise.

It's an important question whether your husband tries to order you around in other areas of your life. This sounds like it's about control and (lack of) respect. If my husband were really passionate about something like this, the conversation would go, "It just really bothers me that we're paying so much for gas. An EV would be great because X, Y, Z. Is there any way you'd consider trading in your vehicle for an EV? Or maybe a hybrid?" But ultimately, my husband would be able to get over his ego and take no for an answer if I wasn't on board.

As to the issue you two are discussing, I would do the math on how soon the costs of acquiring a new car would be wiped out saving money on gas. If it takes you $5k to get a new car (assuming no car payment going forward), and you spend $50 on gas per week, then it will be two years before you're actually saving money (and of course, electricity isn't free, either). Who knows where gas prices will be then. I don't know if your paid off vehicle would have a large trade-in value, but that's the only way I could see you getting a new EV without paying some kind of cost up front.

I hear you on the size of the vehicle. I'd like to get an EV for my next car, but I'd be giving up my third row to do so (my 100 year old garage will only accommodate smaller SUVs, and only a few of those have third rows). As a SAHM, that third row comes in handy. I'll probably get one when my tween gets her license, and she'll get my car, so that's a ways away.

[glows]

14 hours ago, BaileysTakeFlorida said:

Long story short here but this is a repeated argument in our home. 

my husband works, I’m a SAHM. My husband makes good money and has been on this electric vehicle/Tesla kick for the last year slamming and whining non stop about my “gas guzzler” vehicle. I drive a full size suv, but it is paid off. I drive to school and kids activities and for moms club events(music, art, etc). 
I love my spacious car, I enjoy driving it and I don’t particularly like change in any fashion as a huge fault of mine. 

he has been telling me to grow up, be mature, get an EV so we can save money. He has gone as far to say he’s going to cut up my card and refuse to pay for me driving it. “I’m not paying for gas anymore”. And I need to figure out a way to do so. He doesn’t care about the planet and emissions, he just doesn’t like the fuel cost and wants to be an EV family. 

I don’t want to charge an EV with kids. I don’t think the EV is large enough, and frankly, I’m really not a spender or particularly opinionated about many things but I am pretty set on keeping what I have. Frequently arguing over how I’m a sheep and basic and it’s his way of his way because it’s his money. 

can anyone please share some ideas or solutions to this….

Why don’t you trade in your husband for another one? 

In all seriousness, he’s verbally abusive and demeaning to you. I wouldn’t be thinking about his choice of car at all at this point and reevaluating instead any other marital issues. Look into working part time and completely rethink what’s going on in your marriage. This isn’t about fuel costs or the car. Both of you don’t see eye to eye on practical matters and he takes it out on you.

[BaileysTakeFlorida]

Op here. I drive a 2016 QX80. He currently drives a Toyota Tundra. He does not care about the planet. He just wants the primary mileage/driver to be EV. 

more or less my issue is that he will refuse to pay for my fuel… and truly seemed to mean the threat unless I “grew the f up and matured” because “everyone loves Tesla and they are safer and it’s a financially sound decision”. There is no EV size equivalent. He means what he says and is beyond irate that I would have an opinion that varies from his. We can afford the fuel just fine. It’s a “privilege”  that he would buy me a Tesla x, and I’m not ungrateful about the offer. I just want what I have and don’t want to be demeaned for it daily and sent links to cars and told “time for you to grow up or get out” over a truly silly matter. My 4 YO now enjoys telling me that HE is going to cut my credit cards up and doesn’t like mommy’s car because it makes daddy mad. We’ve had the car for years. He bought it for me…  as the stay at home mom I’m frequently reminded it’s HIS money and it makes me really really sad to be disrespected. I did give him a list of reasons and even crunched numbers. He came up with entirely different numbers and the f bomb a few times with nasty eye squints about how I’m an idiot and he won’t entertain me using a gasoline powered vehicle anymore. 

[glows]

22 minutes ago, BaileysTakeFlorida said:

Op here. I drive a 2016 QX80. He currently drives a Toyota Tundra. He does not care about the planet. He just wants the primary mileage/driver to be EV. 

more or less my issue is that he will refuse to pay for my fuel… and truly seemed to mean the threat unless I “grew the f up and matured” because “everyone loves Tesla and they are safer and it’s a financially sound decision”. There is no EV size equivalent. He means what he says and is beyond irate that I would have an opinion that varies from his. We can afford the fuel just fine. It’s a “privilege”  that he would buy me a Tesla x, and I’m not ungrateful about the offer. I just want what I have and don’t want to be demeaned for it daily and sent links to cars and told “time for you to grow up or get out” over a truly silly matter. My 4 YO now enjoys telling me that HE is going to cut my credit cards up and doesn’t like mommy’s car because it makes daddy mad. We’ve had the car for years. He bought it for me…  as the stay at home mom I’m frequently reminded it’s HIS money and it makes me really really sad to be disrespected. I did give him a list of reasons and even crunched numbers. He came up with entirely different numbers and the f bomb a few times with nasty eye squints about how I’m an idiot and he won’t entertain me using a gasoline powered vehicle anymore. 

You have deeper issues in your marriage than the vehicle you drive. Unfortunately you are married to an abusive person and both of you are dismissing the other's wants/concerns. Bringing your kids into it is pretty low. That he's ok with his son's behaviour or the way his son talks to you is telling of what type of father he is. Your son is turning into a replica of your husband and learning that by demeaning women and others he will get what he wants if you agree to drive what your husband asks you to.

The truth is if your husband hates you so much to the point of dropping f bombs and telling you grow up, implying that you are a child or halfgrown, then he shouldn't be with you. This marriage is on the rocks and you're not responding or communicating with one another anymore in a way that fosters any type of respect. Your children are watching this. I'd be sick to my stomach to see my son mimic someone like that. 

Edited June 30, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, BaileysTakeFlorida said:

I have and don’t want to be demeaned for it daily and sent links to cars and told “time for you to grow up or get out. My 4 YO now enjoys telling me that HE is going to cut my credit cards up and doesn’t like mommy’s car because it makes daddy mad

Your husband is creating an abusive environment and damaging you as well as your children. This is not about him wanting a status green car, this is abuse. Whose name is on the registration/insurance?

Why is he using your children as pawns to abuse you? You need to protect your children. And not by driving a tank, but protecting them from the damage he's doing.

Edited June 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[heartwhole2]

If he's telling you to get a new car or get out . . . maybe this is the out you need.

No one deserves to be treated like this. As you're learning here, you can't just tiptoe around him and have peace. There is no peace to be had, because it's his psyche that is not at peace.

Make sure you are confiding in trusted friends. Abuse thrives in secrecy. Let them support you. Don't be too embarrassed to tell them how he really is; their concern for you will give you strength and reassure you that you aren't overreacting.

The good news about your financial situation is that you can afford to be divorced.

Since he is obviously a retaliatory person, start squirreling away cash or visa gift cards. Keep them at a trusted friend of family member's house. That way if you need to leave, you won't be worried about how you'll feed your kids before the court sorts things out.

Your husband didn't buy the car for you. You have a household income and a household budget. If he wants an employee to do his bidding, that's called a housekeeper. If he wants a partner, he needs to act like one.

My friend is divorcing someone like this now. She hid how bad he was from her friends . . .  really, from herself. But eventually there was a straw that broke the camel's back and she realized that the only way to find peace was to leave him.

May you have the peace you deserve.

[giotto]

Oh dear..: that’s just awful..: 😐

[Happy Lemming]

It is possible he wants out of the marriage and is using this argument about cars, as the reason to end the marriage or leave.

He seems way over the top about this whole car thing.  You just don't talk to people that way, you certainly don't speak to your significant other that way over a vehicle.   This whole thing doesn't make sense, there has to be something else going on (with him).

 

[BaileyB]

I would still potentially be looking for a job, because I would be filing for divorce. I don’t think I could stay in a marriage if my partner spoke to me the way you describe. 

[giotto]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would still potentially be looking for a job, because I would be filing for divorce. I don’t think I could stay in a marriage if my partner spoke to me the way you describe. 

I agree with this.

[basil67]

What does the rest of your marriage look like?  Do you both have a history of not being able to compromise?  Or are you generally a good match?

[Gaeta]

How does the finance work in your household? Do you have a joint bank account in which you pick at need or he transfers you an allowance? How can he control what you put on the bank card or not? 

[Els]

On 6/30/2022 at 9:15 AM, BaileysTakeFlorida said:

because it’s his money. 

This is very concerning. Frankly, I don't understand how anyone can agree to work for free for their spouse (i.e. being a SAHP) without a joint account and an ironclad agreement that you have equal right to the money in it. Saying that the money is "his money" is like saying that the kids are "not his kids" because you are the one taking care of them. Neither of the above is right... and also neither claim will be accepted by the courts. If you get a divorce, you will get half of the assets period.

If he can't appreciate you as an equal contributor to your life together, then that is clearly the crux of the issue, and you need to stand up to that. Tell him that you're going to start working again, and therefore he will have to start paying for daycare because there isn't anyone to watch the kids now. He will also be expected to spend his time at home contributing equally to childcare and housework.

 

Edited July 1, 2022 by Elswyth

[Lotsgoingon]

The car is not the issue. Your husband being controlling and a world-class JERK is the issue.

Time to come out of denial about how bad your marriage is. Get to therapy, start sharing what's going on with friends. There is no quick fix we can offer here cause your husband is a jerk. 

If he's threatening you with money cutoff and so on, I'd go do a free consult with a divorce lawyer and get ready so that you don't wake up one day kicked out with an empty bank account. 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. 

Marriage should be 50-50. Logic does not matter. As in one partner could have dumb ideas and the other good ideas ... doesn't matter. Decisions need to be 50-50. 

One idea just occurred to me ... can you say you want the SUV for safety until the kids are grown up more? Your husband is so bad here (and you seem to have such little power) that I think lying is justified. Even if you have no intention of getting rid of the SUV, can you say you want it for 5 more years? ... For the safety of the kids? And then you'll be willing to have a talk with him? That might buy you some time.