Ladybug1989 Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 Been dating/seeing my boyfriend for 9 months/ in a relationship for 2 of those months.. he told me he doesnt think he loves me yet. He said its not that he doesnt want me because he does. And he wants to love me. And cares for me very much but just doesnt love me yet and said he has worried if he ever will because he thought he would have by now. my boyfriend is having depression issues at the moment on top of this. And said it hurts that hes got me who Is inlove with him and he feels numb and cant give me it back. will he love me given some time? Aside from not loving me. We are still good together. Hugs/kisses/sex side is all there. he also admitted that if it wasnt that he didnt want me and wasnt interested then he would have just got his stuff and gone. Hes just in a bad mind set right now and cant give me what i do him. am i being stupid staying around and should just let him go? Or given that its still good between us is he just struggling and confused with his feelings right now. HELP..
central Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 I've read that if someone doesn't know/say they love you after 6 months of regular dating (presumably exclusive), then it's unlikely that they will, or that they will say it but not truly mean it just to keep you. Depression certainly factors in here, in his case. If it's situational, perhaps give him a few more months at most, but if it's chronic, then I'd be wary. How is he handling his life otherwise, with work, friendships, activities, etc.? That may provide more information for you to make a choice. 1
ItsTheDay Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 3 minutes ago, central said: I've read that if someone doesn't know/say they love you after 6 months of regular dating (presumably exclusive), then it's unlikely that they will, or that they will say it but not truly mean it just to keep you. I don't believe this is true. Love isn't a cookie cutter, one size doesn't fit all. It took me over a year to tell my gf (now ex) that I loved her. 2
central Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 16 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: I don't believe this is true. Love isn't a cookie cutter, one size doesn't fit all. It took me over a year to tell my gf (now ex) that I loved her. Yes, one size does not fit all. On the other hand, your story does not build confidence that waiting longer leads to good results. Longer timeframes seem to imply too much uncertainty about one's feelings, or that comfortable habit substitutes for real love. 1 1
Author Ladybug1989 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 He has expressed struggle when it comes to work/friends/family/hobbies also.
central Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 2 minutes ago, Ladybug1989 said: He has expressed struggle when it comes to work/friends/family/hobbies also. IMO, that does not bode well for a happy, stable relationship. 2
central Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 I had just gotten out of a 24 year relationship (but I was very ready to move on) when I met my new wife. I was certain within a few months that I loved her, and she was clearly in the same place. That was 22 happy years ago. 1
Author Ladybug1989 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 So... given that hes currently struggling. N tbh before all this it was amazing. He was in a good place n it was a very positive vibe between us. It is only in the past few months that its flipped and been hard. im not daft giving the extra few months time?
glows Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 Did he just blurt out of nowhere that he doesn't feel he loves you? Or did you go fishing and start asking him if he loves you? How did this conversation come about? He seems stressed out about the situation. Is his depression being treated? What kinds of trouble is he having with friends/family/work/hobbies? Is he employed? Why would you date someone who is having trouble managing other areas of their life?
Author Ladybug1989 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 4 minutes ago, glows said: Did he just blurt out of nowhere that he doesn't feel he loves you? Or did you go fishing and start asking him if he loves you? How did this conversation come about? He seems stressed out about the situation. Is his depression being treated? What kinds of trouble is he having with friends/family/work/hobbies? Is he employed? Why would you date someone who is having trouble managing other areas of their life? Friends - druggies n all bad vibes lending off him n just giving negative energy. family - illnesses work/money - paying off debts n because it was not like this when i started dating him. He admitted he had things he had to sort n deal with but its just built up and got worse over time. He had become agitated and he was abit snappy in which i asked r u ok with me? N i told him i loved him for the first time.. in which he responded he doesnt think he loves me back n its been worrying him if he will be able to with everything else.
glows Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 2 minutes ago, Ladybug1989 said: Friends - druggies n all bad vibes lending off him n just giving negative energy. family - illnesses work/money - paying off debts n because it was not like this when i started dating him. He admitted he had things he had to sort n deal with but its just built up and got worse over time. He had become agitated and he was abit snappy in which i asked r u ok with me? N i told him i loved him for the first time.. in which he responded he doesnt think he loves me back n its been worrying him if he will be able to with everything else. Is he involved in any substance use or illegal drugs? The issue with someone like him is not that he is a horrible person but his issues will start to wear you down and pull you down over time. Be careful of this and wary when you let someone into your life so intimately. He needs to sort out any addictions, negative influences or crappy friends. How is he paying off his debts? Is he working and where is it going? Is he advancing or struggling to keep his job? A person who isn't feeling good about their personal situation will very rarely make an even-tempered or balanced partner. This is common sense but you might have those love goggles on preventing you from seeing what's right infront of you. If you have a habit of thinking you can make someone better or save them, think again. It's a flaw and you'll have to fix that in yourself. Pick someone who's more on your wavelength. 2
Author Ladybug1989 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 5 minutes ago, glows said: Is he involved in any substance use or illegal drugs? The issue with someone like him is not that he is a horrible person but his issues will start to wear you down and pull you down over time. Be careful of this and wary when you let someone into your life so intimately. He needs to sort out any addictions, negative influences or crappy friends. How is he paying off his debts? Is he working and where is it going? Is he advancing or struggling to keep his job? A person who isn't feeling good about their personal situation will very rarely make an even-tempered or balanced partner. This is common sense but you might have those love goggles on preventing you from seeing what's right infront of you. If you have a habit of thinking you can make someone better or save them, think again. It's a flaw and you'll have to fix that in yourself. Pick someone who's more on your wavelength. He smokes weed. Nothing else. work is fine. And he gets paid weekly which majority all goes to his debt and child maintenance. So hes always left with almost nothing. i really dont know, i guess time will tell. I just hope i dont end up having my heart broke again because ive been throught it too many times before.
glows Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 Just now, Ladybug1989 said: He smokes weed. Nothing else. work is fine. And he gets paid weekly which majority all goes to his debt and child maintenance. So hes always left with almost nothing. i really dont know, i guess time will tell. I just hope i dont end up having my heart broke again because ive been throught it too many times before. Weed has a significant effect on mood and lethargy/inertia, not to mention paranoia in some individuals. If most of his paycheque goes to debt and child maintenance what does that leave for starting a new life with a new girlfriend? Why doesn't he work a second job and pay off his debt faster? A broken heart is one thing. Be sure you don't end up as broke as he is or end up paying for his bills or any shared outings or vacations or liabilities. Don't cosign or take on any lease together for ie. 2
Author Ladybug1989 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 7 minutes ago, glows said: Weed has a significant effect on mood and lethargy/inertia, not to mention paranoia in some individuals. If most of his paycheque goes to debt and child maintenance what does that leave for starting a new life with a new girlfriend? Why doesn't he work a second job and pay off his debt faster? A broken heart is one thing. Be sure you don't end up as broke as he is or end up paying for his bills or any shared outings or vacations or liabilities. Don't cosign or take on any lease together for ie. He doesnt have much left for anything else thats 1 of the issues. He has said he feels s*** for not being able to treat me n put me on a pedestal like he visioned. I told him its not about that though for me and he needs to get to a better place first n then maybe be in a position to do so. I don't contribute money to his debts etc i have my own bills. he has his daughter on a weekend so he doesnt have the time. He is literally stretched out. N do i really walk out on someone i love when they are struggling and at a time in need. I should be by him through it right?
glows Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 (edited) 18 minutes ago, Ladybug1989 said: He doesnt have much left for anything else thats 1 of the issues. He has said he feels s*** for not being able to treat me n put me on a pedestal like he visioned. I told him its not about that though for me and he needs to get to a better place first n then maybe be in a position to do so. I don't contribute money to his debts etc i have my own bills. he has his daughter on a weekend so he doesnt have the time. He is literally stretched out. N do i really walk out on someone i love when they are struggling and at a time in need. I should be by him through it right? No, that's what society tells you to do especially women in terms of women supporting their man. It's unreasonable if you're incompatible with the person you're dating. It's one thing if you have been married for a number of years and you're both going through a tough financial situation in a marriage. If you've dated for a handful of weeks and considering you have known him less than one year, you are not obligated to stand by anyone who doesn't share the same lifestyle or goals as you. That's just self-sabotaging behaviour. You are your own worst enemy holding yourself back from finding other happiness with someone else. It may be time to think about what you're looking for in a partner. You may believe that you're ok with what little he can contribute to now but it's his demeanour, mental health and overall negative outlook that makes him not much of a catch. He can't get over his own challenges or maintain a positive outlook. I had asked if he's getting treatment for his depression earlier. If he isn't or refuses to, stop making excuses for him. Edited June 30, 2022 by glows 2
Author Ladybug1989 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 11 minutes ago, glows said: No, that's what society tells you to do especially women in terms of women supporting their man. It's unreasonable if you're incompatible with the person you're dating. It's one thing if you have been married for a number of years and you're both going through a tough financial situation in a marriage. If you've dated for a handful of weeks and considering you have known him less than one year, you are not obligated to stand by anyone who doesn't share the same lifestyle or goals as you. That's just self-sabotaging behaviour. You are your own worst enemy holding yourself back from finding other happiness with someone else. It may be time to think about what you're looking for in a partner. You may believe that you're ok with what little he can contribute to now but it's his demeanour, mental health and overall negative outlook that makes him not much of a catch. He can't get over his own challenges or maintain a positive outlook. I had asked if he's getting treatment for his depression earlier. If he isn't or refuses to, stop making excuses for him. Well i guess time will tell. Il be sure to update my post with outcome. I will either still be with him and strong or .. well you know the rest 1
poppyfields Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Ladybug1989 said: my boyfriend is having depression issues at the moment on top of this. And said it hurts that hes got me who Is inlove with him and he feels numb and cant give me it back. Hey @Ladybug1989, welcome. So re his depression and not loving you, you are probably not gonna like hearing this, but often times (not always but it sounds like it here), it's not that his depression his causing him to not love you, but rather he doesn't love you, is unable to love, doesn't FEEL in love with you and THAT is what is causing his depression. I have heard this so many times from men including my own dad (with my mom who he eventually divorced) and my brothers who were not in love with their girlfriends but felt obligated to stay in the RL and guilty for leaving. In other words, it's the relationship itself that is causing his depression. I am not sure why he still chooses to remain with you knowing he doesn't love and not sure he ever will (translation: He NEVER will) other than regular sex and companionship and guilt for leaving since he know how much you love him. He may feel trapped and this is quite common and again what is causing his depression. My advice is to wish him well and leave. Find a man who knows how he feels about you, doesn't blame his lack of feelings and not loving you on depression and who is emotionally healthy and able to pair bond and fall in love with you. I'm sorry ladybug, all the best. Edited June 30, 2022 by poppyfields
flitzanu Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 1 hour ago, Ladybug1989 said: He had become agitated and he was abit snappy in which i asked r u ok with me? N i told him i loved him for the first time.. in which he responded he doesnt think he loves me back n its been worrying him if he will be able to with everything else. this would be bothersome imo. sure, he's being honest, that's a positive thing, but, personally if someone couldn't confidently express that they care about me and even tell me they don't think they "love me back" it would be the moment to start moving on and stop wasting my time hoping (or begging) someone does.
ItsTheDay Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 3 hours ago, Ladybug1989 said: He was in a relationship for 10+ years before me too. Im the first woman hes got with since that How long before his last relationship and the relationship with you? He may have a very strong guard up, which is neither good nor bad.
Author Ladybug1989 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 2 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: How long before his last relationship and the relationship with you? He may have a very strong guard up, which is neither good nor bad. Almost 3 years now. He mentioned the love was gone a couple of years before the break up tho and by the time they did break up he was completely over n done with it. he told me he was ready for someone to be in his life when we first started dating. and it was amazing the first couple of months. its hard to just walk away because hes bluntly stated that he would of been cruel to be kind n just left if he didnt want me or have interest etc. n said its just that he isnt where i am. N its been a worry because he thought he would have by now.
ItsTheDay Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 4 minutes ago, Ladybug1989 said: Almost 3 years now. He mentioned the love was gone a couple of years before the break up tho and by the time they did break up he was completely over n done with it. he told me he was ready for someone to be in his life when we first started dating. and it was amazing the first couple of months. its hard to just walk away because hes bluntly stated that he would of been cruel to be kind n just left if he didnt want me or have interest etc. n said its just that he isnt where i am. N its been a worry because he thought he would have by now. Tell him you want to take a break for a couple weeks, couple months or how long ever. After some amount of time, set something up to reevaluate where he stands. 1
Alpacalia Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 (edited) If you are already in a good place in this relationship, and the "I love you" is the cherry on top, it might be worthwhile to wait for him to catch up. When the relationship comes down to it, if your boyfriend does not make you feel loved and safe - either by words or by deeds - then it is perfectly fine to end that relationship and look for those things elsewhere. Edited June 30, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
poppyfields Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Ladybug1989 said: its hard to just walk away because hes bluntly stated that he would of been cruel to be kind n just left if he didnt want me or have interest etc. n said its just that he isnt where i am. Of course he told you that, he had to tell you that otherwise you would walk away which he doesn't want you to do for reasons stated (sex, convenience, companionship), that is NOT love and it's selfish. And trust me on this, he's looking around for your replacement probably as we speak, a woman he DOES or can love, and once he meets her, you will be history. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's the cold reality from what I have witnessed in my own family, friends and others. I think you are being foolish to stay and "hoping" someday, somehow, he will miraculously wake up one morning and realize he is in love with you, that fantasy is a huge recipe for disaster. I have been told by men that they KNOW within a very short time when they meet a woman they will love and with whom there is long term potential possibly leading to marriage. Walk away, let him experience life WITHOUT you in it, THAT may cause a realization but even then I would continue moving on. Aim higher ladybug, choose wisely. You have only got one heart, treat it kindly. Edited June 30, 2022 by poppyfields 4
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 5 hours ago, Ladybug1989 said: Been dating/seeing my boyfriend for 9 months/ in a relationship for 2 of those months.. he told me he doesnt think he loves me yet. Do what is best for your heart. Being told this certainly is not. Given his mental health, financial and rebound issues, you may need to spare yourself headaches and heartaches and cut your losses. In time this will erode your spirit. Dating is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get situation, so don't try to fix, heal or change him. Unfortunately it sounds like he needs a therapist, not GF. 1
stillafool Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: Not true. You need to get to living together to see if you are compatible for your life Most people don't move in with each other until they know they're in love because it's too difficult to split up if you never do fall in love. Time consuming and expensive.
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