Huge mistake.

[Swyna]

Well first of all, this new for me, being online and talking mu thoughts.

Me and my gf have been together over 5 years, have 2 perfect kids and so far arguments are basicly zero or minimum. Till now, when I literally acted like a total moron.

We were at huge party what we were looking forward to for long time.. as usual, she’s was with her friends and me with mine.

All went wrong after I chose to open new bottle of rum.. yeah bad idea thinking now..

Well party went on and i got drunk [ ]  In some point i saw her dancing with a guy(who i know) and literally he’s no threat at all. Well on that point i got sooo jealous, don’t know why or was it alcohol speaking. I screamed in front of her friends and ofc no doubt humiliated her.. for flirting(obviously she didn’t)

Went home and slept on it.. since i basicly blacked out last 2 hours Ofc she didn’t. 

We talked it through her and my side of story. Ofc shes mad and every right to be.. She said that she’s broken like never before.. Now i’m here looking for answers how the heck i’m gonna fix it.. She said, she loves me and feelings hasn’t changed, but something has and don’t know if and when it will be back to normal..

We still sleep in same bed, kisses me back if i do and ofc she’s chating with her friends 24/7 since she needs time. A break from me i guess.. I’m doing everything to fix it, being sweet in every way, taking kids so she could do what she needs to.

It’s been like this about 5 days. Being distant, thinking over and over and asking what happened. She said that acting front of other people like we’re alright but actually we’re not.

It’s killing inside like hell…trying to be best bf and father, but how long i can hold on to that bleeding inside while trying to fix it, if she’s cold. Not totaly but annoyingly

Edited July 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

Where did that outburst come from though? Do you feel uncomfortable with her friends? She seems to think that there are issues under the surface that you both aren't addressing. 

 

[Swyna]

To be honest, i have no idea. The guy was innocent, but the time i saw them it seemed flirting or i imagined that through alcohol..

i know I shouldn’t react like this but what’s done is done. 
to go forward is the issue.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Swyna said:

It’s killing inside like hell…trying to be best bf and father, but how long i can hold on to that bleeding inside while trying to fix it, if she’s cold. Not totaly but annoyingly

The best thing you can do after sincerely apologizing is get sober. Binge drinking to the point of blackouts is not being "a good father and BF". Not to mention what it's doing to your health and relationships. Right now you're functioning, but drinking is causing a problems.

See if this resource is helpful:  https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

[Swyna]

True that, i said the same thing to her. While apologizing. I wont consume alcohol, for long time. Seems I can’t handle it.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Swyna said:

To be honest, i have no idea. The guy was innocent, but the time i saw them it seemed flirting or i imagined that through alcohol..

i know I shouldn’t react like this but what’s done is done. 
to go forward is the issue.

You can only go forward if she's in it too. It takes two. Right now she's pulled away from you or stonewalled you. If this continues there's contempt and resentment between the both of you. Are you sure there aren't any disagreements and conflicts in the five years? Or have either/both of you been in denial for awhile?

She may find you being or acting disengaged or detached a bit of a turn off. Be real with each other and figure out what's bothering the both of you. I'd consider whether you're keeping the peace for the kids while there are issues under the surface.

[Swyna]

There have been small fights(maybe not even a fight) arguments or something like that, always made up tho. 
But really thanks for advice!

[Will am I]

16 hours ago, Swyna said:

or was it alcohol speaking

I don't believe that alcohol has a voice of its own.

What it will do is knock out the smarter parts in the front of our brain and allow us to connect emotions without inhibition and make us blurt out impulsively. So I think that you do have some feelings of jealousy but your beliefs system won't normally allow you to have or express these feelings too much.

 

I think there's only three things you can do.

1. admit that what you did was wrong and that you are sorry (and don't say it unless you mean it).

2. show that you are trying to change things for the future. I think the most powerful statement here is to get rid of alcohol for a while.

3. be the best version of yourself you can be.

 

Either it's enough, or it's not. If it's not, you have given it your best.

 

Assuming that this was an isolated incident, I'd be surprised if it was enough to make your partner walk out and tear up the family. If she would end the relationship over this, I'd suspect there must be older incidents which have gradually built up her sensitivities. These could have been in your relationship (earlier episodes with drinking and/or jealousy and/or yelling). Or anywhere in the past, previous relationships or even all the way back to her parental home.

 

 

Edited July 1, 2022 by Will am I

[Gaeta]

I suggest you apologize to the friend you bursted out at & apologize to the hosts of that party. You've hurt her yes, but you've embarassed her and that's the harder part to get over. She's ashamed of what you did in front of her friends and acquaintances. I try to put myself in her shoes and I wouldn't feel right until you humble yourself and apologize to all. 

[glows]

16 hours ago, Swyna said:

There have been small fights(maybe not even a fight) arguments or something like that, always made up tho. 
But really thanks for advice!

You’re welcome. 

I hope you both work it out. It sounds that she’s alluding to deeper issues and the relationship being broken or it appearing ok to outsiders and it’s not actually working between the two of you. 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Swyna said:

 I wont consume alcohol, for long time. Seems I can’t handle it.

Sounds like a good idea. And if/when you do, keep it to small amounts...

[NuevoYorko]

I DO believe that alcohol can have a voice of its own.   A person drunk enough to black out can be functioning in a state more related to sleepwalking than to any hidden issues they may have.   

[Swyna]

Will I am, you’re absolutely right. There has been incident with parenting, she said her father did something like that to her mother. I didn’t know until now. 
 

Foolish of me, but giving her time and peace. Made a gift today, when she’s home from work will find flowers and a card with token of appreciation with my own words to what she has done to this family. 
 

i really appreciate your help and advices.

Tried to apologize to her friends but she stoped me because they are anyway heavy drinkers on weekends and thats pointless as she said.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Swyna said:

Made a gift today, when she’s home from work will find flowers and a card with token of appreciation with my own words to what she has done to this family. 

Good gesture. Apologizing, appreciation coupled with a commitment to sobriety. You'll be ok. All you have to do is toe the line and walk the walk from now on. And...develop a taste for tonic water, seltzer, etc.

[Swyna]

Appreciate the help. 
She got my present, smelled the flowers and read my card. I think i saw her pop a tear. ( don’t know if it’s right sentence) English isn’t my main language. I left her with it because didn’t want to smother with my hugs or somethin, since she needs her space. 

Now she goes on walks every evening for her time to think. 
I think that might do good for her. 
 

Only thing that’s bothering me is the chatting 24/7 on phone. 

Maybe its her way dealing with something. Speaking with friends etc. Being secretive(not all the time) my though if she’s talking something about me with some guy/girl?

I know i have no say on that phone thing since i’m the one who screwed up.

But gonna keep trying as much i can, don’t want a broken family

[Will am I]

You do all you can do. This is a “sorry”. Biggest step is to put your actions where your words are. In this case, loose the booze for a while. And be a great person. But don’t go begging for her to come back.

If she is breaking up a family over this, there was more water under the bridge.

[Swyna]

Wise words. I don’t need the booze. Can live without it easily. Seems i don’t handle it when i do. (Strong ones)

Thanks for that.

I know begging will make it worse. 
She needs time and if and when she’s ready. 
So far i try to be backseat player, caring and doing best what i shoud, hope for the best.

Thank you all, you have helped me a lot. To see myself clearly, there might be a truth about jealousy that didn’t know about.

Fight has opened my eyes a lot. 
Maybe i got lazy and there is something else what triggered it.

Hopefully it isn’t late to change but if it is, then at least i know how to go further in life…

[S2B]

51 minutes ago, Swyna said:

Appreciate the help. 
She got my present, smelled the flowers and read my card. I think i saw her pop a tear. ( don’t know if it’s right sentence) English isn’t my main language. I left her with it because didn’t want to smother with my hugs or somethin, since she needs her space. 

Now she goes on walks every evening for her time to think. 
I think that might do good for her. 
 

Only thing that’s bothering me is the chatting 24/7 on phone. 

Maybe its her way dealing with something. Speaking with friends etc. Being secretive(not all the time) my though if she’s talking something about me with some guy/girl?

I know i have no say on that phone thing since i’m the one who screwed up.

But gonna keep trying as much i can, don’t want a broken family

Get help with your jealousy! It will kill your relationship.

commit to never drinking again!

you broke her trust. It may take years of consistent, good behavior to gain her trust back!

[Will am I]

Honestly, the image of your partner silently crying when she got the flowers, doesn’t feel good.

As if she already decided to leave the relationship and the flowers only add to the confrontation with those feelings.

I increasingly get the feeling that in her perception there’s more going on. That she decided this were to be “the last straw”.

Time will tell. Even if she is gone, you’ll have the reassurance of knowing you have it your bestz

[Swyna]

Well i don’t know if she has decided something, but for me it seems we speak more than other days. That’s a start maybe?

2 days ago she was thinking while being home and wrote me that, she doesn’t know what broke her so bad and how long or if she’ll recover totaly, her feelings for me hasn’t changed.

That sentence gave some hope. 
Today was the first time we laught for a sec.

I told her i will be waiting for her to be ready to kiss and hug again. 
Today morning she gave half sign, well i used it. 

Hard to be positive about anything but doing the best i can. So does she i guess.

 

Ofc there is still distant behavior etc but we can talk time to time.

Edited July 1, 2022 by Swyna

[Will am I]

Just hang in there. At least for a little while. Give her time to turn around. If she doesn’t, you should open the conversation on “where to go from here”. Because of the kids you can’t simply walk away, you have to make some arrangements. But that’s not today.

[Swyna]

Alright, seems reasonable.

Might take days, weeks i guess but after a month i’ll go “crazy” and i have to have a conversation about it. Winning back trust and other things are totaly different. Takes much more. But if relationship isn’t working by then that’s the timeline ? 
i mean how much longer human can carry on goodness and hope if there’s no return.

Kids and my family is everything, I wouldn’t want them to be distant parenting.

Edited July 1, 2022 by Swyna

[Will am I]

Time will reveal the answers when she wants to. You need to keep your act together until then.

 

[Swyna]

Alright, you have been very helpful, i really appreciate it! 
Thank you.

I’ll keep this updated, if i have something more. 
 

Will do my best to continue the road to better.

[S2B]

No one ever wins trust!

you EARN it! Every minute of everyday - you either earn it or you don’t.

and if you have to go a month without her - that’s the penalty YOU created. Stop thinking you’ll go crazy if it’s a month… there shouldn’t be ANY timeline on her and her response to your horrible behavior.

did you make an appointment yet for a counselor? You need professional help to handle your jealousy. It will also help you understand what you need to do to earn trust.