Huge mistake.

[Swyna]

Alright, here’s an update.

i have been curing myself and being a best version of myself to her and for me.

We have had lots of ups and downs lately. Basicly we are at the bottom. Attended to wedding and everything was fun and sweet. First she left earlier with a guy who she still talks to all the time. From morning to late night. (Indeed she spoke in front of me that i knew he’s coming.)

She felt tired and wanted to go home, i said alright, go and rest i’m coming in 30 min and i did.

when i got home, suprise, no one.

Got bit worried, tried to message her, nothing, called and still nothing.After few hours around 7 in the morning she arrived.

Talked calmly that i was worried and she got upset cus i was on phone with her friend who was worried as well. She basically wanted to end things, because of that? Thought alright she needs to rest and think about it and need to get sober..

After she woke up, we had very calm conversation about everything. She thought about rental places etc. After a while talking she considered to stay home and try to fix things. Admitted, the first fight is already forgoten and the problem is with her at the moment.Also that, those going out every weekend is just delaying problem. That gave hope. Whole weekend she was sweet and i did see that she’s trying to fix things. Even didn’t talk with him, didn’t hide phone while writing to others, while cuddling. Telling she loves me and so on. Till today, like a lightning from the sky, she’s back to chatting and being coldish. No response if i tell i love her while looking to her eyes. Like totally different person on weekend and other in working days.

I just don’t understand. I really don’t like that going forward and backwards thing from her. Wonder what is triggering it. 
I mean i thought we reasoned with that calm talk and found a way. 

More her time?
 

 

[Swyna]

I know she isn’t that kind of girl who cheats.. never has been.. and chats anyway kinda much, but not that much as now, but of course i have had my doubts and that feeling or sence inside that something is wrong.
 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Swyna said:

she needs to rest and think about it and need to get sober.

Both of you could benefit from Alcoholics Anonymous. You have children to concern yourselves with. 

You can also both see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get a referral to a qualified therapist.

Your main focus needs to be the children. Not who gets drunk more who takes longer to sleep it off, get sober, etc 

You could have a wonderful life and happy family but it's not going to happen until you both address the alcohol, blackouts and be more responsible with your children.

Once you both take better care of yourselves you'll both feel better.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Swyna]

Well like i said, i took my peace with alcohol, main focus is children because at the moment they are all i have. I wake up with them, feed them and put them to bed because mother is just not available. Always out and chatting with a guy. I don’t mind taking care of my beautiful girls. But she really needs to get to getter if this family means anything to her. She used to say, i came here to stay, welll seems like not

I don’t know if she doesn’t want to deal with the pain inside her or she just gave up and has a “honeymoon” stadium with that guy. 
just got home from work and she bearly looks at me, don’t even want to kiss anymore. Well thats new..tried not to speak with her all day, ofc she didn’t. So yeah, if only keep up the promise she made at weekend. Otherwise, i don’t know if i can be the only one trying. Takes 2 in relationship.

[Swyna]

Alright seems like this is going to be end of the road for us? She’s been out every evening, i feel like i’m the only parent for my kids..

Even when she has responsibilities with kids when i’m at work or so, mostly has time only for her phone.. smiling, serious etc.. mixed feelings

today she told me that she has been thinking of leaving for long time. So i have been living with a time bomb all the time. That hurt as hell. I asked why haven’t you talked about any of this in past so we could have worked something out. Answer she’s doesn’t open up( always been begging for answers) if something is up.

Today she also invited to go and look apartment together, where she’s going to live in next sunday. Don’t know why it was necessary to her for me to tag along. Kids home will be always my house, but also have to stay there from time to time..

I Asked if there’s anything to do to fix this mess. She doesn’t want to be here and needs her place for thinking, living, healing. She told her mother our situation, and that we take a break. Well in my opinion this is a break up.. permanent or not but still.

i feel sorry for my kids, it’s going to be very hard for them. I’m there for them every step away but still. 

I guess that guy is also a reason for moving out. Way to much connections between them. “Friends and she understands me” she said 🤦‍♂️

She won’t talk to her best friend any more. Or my friends, avoiding my parents(lives house next to me), barely with my neighbors who are my and her good friends, looks like burning bridges. She even said, that she’s chatting/meeting only with 4 people. One of them who i know from past very well and she’s horrible in every way, drinks all the time and talks like a 15 years old..bad influence..( her boyfriend and she split up about month ago). And of course that guy and his friend. Well i know all of her friends as she knows mine.

Oh well. Should I even consider any possibility of us as family in  future or it’s time to let go and wish the best? Of course she said who knows what future brings, anything is possible. 
Yeah we can laugh when we talk, she’s more chatty then usually, even talks about that guy, where she was, what happened while being out. Of course not every detail. Or just keeping me as a back up plan, if something goes wrong? Very mixed feelings from her. 
 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Swyna said:

Today she also invited to go and look apartment together, where she’s going to live in next sunday. 

It's good you're not married, however figure custody in a way that protects your children from  her drinking, parade of men and poor judgement. Don't apt hunt with her.

[Swyna]

Alright, it’s her doing and i am allowing to figure all out. 
 

“yep, her plan is to move so she can spend alone time with the OM.  “ - what’s OM?

I wont pay any of her bills. I didn’t make her to leave so, that’s on her.  I have my own bills. She even said that it’s going to be rough, but have handle it by herself without anyones help. 

It’s a rental with basically fully furnished. I don’t know how she will manage. Electricity heat only and her salary isn’t that great. 

she works full time,  long days. That means kids will be with me most on the time when I pick them up from kindergarten.

Hopefully she’ll manage.. I don’t know how she will take care of kids there but always there’s option to Move to her mother’s house..

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Swyna said:

I don’t know how she will take care of kids there but always there’s option to Move to her mother’s house..

Get supervised custody. 

[Swyna]

Oh well. 

Sad to see her go but I don’t deserve that kind of treatment and neither do kids.. 

Gonna be bumpy road and have to clime up from the bottom. 
For my kids, they deserve happy life. 

Thank you all for advices! I really appreciate that.

[glows]

5 hours ago, Swyna said:

Oh well. 

Sad to see her go but I don’t deserve that kind of treatment and neither do kids.. 

Gonna be bumpy road and have to clime up from the bottom. 
For my kids, they deserve happy life. 

Thank you all for advices! I really appreciate that.

Have you spoken with a lawyer? It’s usually over when couples separate. She wants to leave and it sounds like she’s been thinking about it for awhile. I’m sorry this is going on. Be there for your kids.

[Swyna]

I haven’t talk to lawyer. Don’t know if that’s necessary.

She has been saying all that matters is that kids father is always there for them.. even tho I am the only one at the moment 🤦‍♂️ I love my kids and I wouldn’t abandon them never.. sick though.

Many of my friends have told me to let go, but i am bit too kind and want to help her even if she have made her decision and hurt me..I know i have to let go, it’s the right thing to do. 
 

I’m not going to help her financially, but if it’s something with kids i have to be there for them. They are everything to me!

Gonna be rough when she leaves house but i guess, kids will help a lot during that time and all the activities we do. 

She asked not to tell my parents just yet, ashamed i think? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Swyna said:

I haven’t talk to lawyer. Don’t know if that’s necessary.

She asked not to tell my parents just yet, ashamed i think? 

You can petition the courts directly for full custody with supervised visitation.  You do have to have a formal court ordered arrangement.

Custody/visitation should never be ad-hoc creating even more chaos for the children. They need consistency and structure. Same with child support.

Talk to your people as you see fit. That's not her call.

[giotto]

was she using her phone a lot before your drunken incident?

[Swyna]

6 minutes ago, giotto said:

was she using her phone a lot before your drunken incident?

Used phone mostly to watch videos or writing with friends, when we cuddled or she was next to me, always i could see if i wanted. Didn’t need tho, i had strong trust.
 

Now from morning to late night even when im sleeping etc.
 

[giotto]

19 minutes ago, Swyna said:

Used phone mostly to watch videos or writing with friends, when we cuddled or she was next to me, always i could see if i wanted. Didn’t need tho, i had strong trust.
 

Now from morning to late night even when im sleeping etc.
 

Maybe she struck a "friendship" with one of her male friends after your drunken episode... you know, someone to "lean on"... or maybe it's just girlfriends... without checking her phone, you will never know.   

[Swyna]

1 minute ago, giotto said:

Maybe she struck a "friendship" with one of her male friends after your drunken episode... you know, someone to "lean on"... or maybe it's just girlfriends... without checking her phone, you will never know.   

Well i know that she’s writing with him all the time, yea she told, there’s nothing between them, but “hiding” phone from me and so on. She also told he understands because he has been on “same boat”.

All that hiding and changing messenger thumbs up to heart is just wrong, because she never has done it. And of course all those going out every evening with him.  On weekend when my and her friends came to visit she asked that guy to pick her up. Told me not to say where and with whom she’s out. Too much drama i guess? Her best girlfriend also visited and they didn’t even say hello to each other. 

[giotto]

5 minutes ago, Swyna said:

Well i know that she’s writing with him all the time, yea she told, there’s nothing between them, but “hiding” phone from me and so on. She also told he understands because he has been on “same boat”.

All that hiding and changing messenger thumbs up to heart is just wrong, because she never has done it. And of course all those going out every evening with him.  On weekend when my and her friends came to visit she asked that guy to pick her up. Told me not to say where and with whom she’s out. Too much drama i guess? Her best girlfriend also visited and they didn’t even say hello to each other. 

Sorry, I missed the bit where you said she is always chatting to him... and now she goes out with him every night? Sounds like a full-blown affair to me. Sorry this is happened to you. She must have been thinking of leaving you for a long time and your "incident" was just an excuse.

[Swyna]

8 minutes ago, giotto said:

Sorry, I missed the bit where you said she is always chatting to him... and now she goes out with him every night? Sounds like a full-blown affair to me. Sorry this is happened to you. She must have been thinking of leaving you for a long time and your "incident" was just an excuse.

True.. it seems same to me, no one in right mind would go out all the time if you have family and so on. Best thing is to heal myself and let her go with peace. Wish her all the best and that’s it i guess..

[Weezy1973]

She was cheating on you, either just an emotional affair but probably physical considering her staying out all night after the wedding and going out every night without you. And might even have started before your drunken outburst. It might have been cues you’ve picked up subconsciously that triggered it. 

[Swyna]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

She was cheating on you, either just an emotional affair but probably physical considering her staying out all night after the wedding and going out every night without you. And might even have started before your drunken outburst. It might have been cues you’ve picked up subconsciously that triggered it. 

Never know but cheating is cheating.. but probably psychically yea..and hiding etc.. 

she started chatting about a week from fight. And got more intense each day. 

How could you do it if you have family you “care” about and if there’s problem not to talk and figure out how to fix it. 
 

or just be honest about everything even if you have affair, admit it.. if you do it be brave enough to say it out..easier for both.. shame..

[LeGenDary_Man]

On 7/2/2022 at 1:09 AM, Swyna said:

Appreciate the help. 
She got my present, smelled the flowers and read my card. I think i saw her pop a tear. ( don’t know if it’s right sentence) English isn’t my main language. I left her with it because didn’t want to smother with my hugs or somethin, since she needs her space. 

Now she goes on walks every evening for her time to think. 
I think that might do good for her. 
 

Only thing that’s bothering me is the chatting 24/7 on phone. 

Maybe its her way dealing with something. Speaking with friends etc. Being secretive(not all the time) my though if she’s talking something about me with some guy/girl?

I know i have no say on that phone thing since i’m the one who screwed up.

But gonna keep trying as much i can, don’t want a broken family

I think I am very late to comment on your situation but you overlooked too much on this day.

When you see your woman dancing with another man in a social gathering [without your permission] and this act bothers you then you should be honest with her and tell her to not repeat this act. Public outburst in drunken stupor is not helpful (your mistake). But blaming yourself for being jealous is not helpful either (you are not supposed to suppress your feelings for your woman to excuse her objectionable act). You draw a line to discourage its repeat through talks instead.

Secondly, you [cannot] NICE your way back into the arms of a woman [after] a conflict situation. There is no guarantee that this tactic will work. You simply apologize for your mistake and assure her of not repeating it again. This is all. No need to bend over backwards to make amends with her. No need to give her too much space to OVERTHINK about it. She is an adult, not a child. If she cannot get over it then it is safe to assume that she is up to something and making excuses to blindside you. This is exactly what happened in your case.

You decided to bend over backwards to make amends with your GF after your public outburst, and she blindsided you by getting involved with another man instead. Chatting 24/7 on phone? You should have confronted her at this stage to shut it down. But you were trying to be too nice to her, having her served with flowers and giving her space to OVERTHINK about your situation. You ended up with a broken family eventually - something you feared deep down.

Become a doormat and you will be walked over. Simple.

On 7/19/2022 at 9:43 AM, Swyna said:

I know she isn’t that kind of girl who cheats.. never has been.. and chats anyway kinda much, but not that much as now, but of course i have had my doubts and that feeling or sence inside that something is wrong.
 

Never assume this to be the case. It can be helpful to define relationship boundaries and enforce them with your woman. How will she know what you will find or not find acceptable in your relationship otherwise?

You have to learn to do this.

On 8/1/2022 at 4:25 PM, Swyna said:

Well i know that she’s writing with him all the time, yea she told, there’s nothing between them, but “hiding” phone from me and so on. She also told he understands because he has been on “same boat”.

All that hiding and changing messenger thumbs up to heart is just wrong, because she never has done it. And of course all those going out every evening with him.  On weekend when my and her friends came to visit she asked that guy to pick her up. Told me not to say where and with whom she’s out. Too much drama i guess? Her best girlfriend also visited and they didn’t even say hello to each other. 

Yup, this is classic cheating behavior.

Record your conversations with your Ex-GF (???) just in case. She might declare you abusive. Stay calm and composed in your talks but remove this woman from your house and DO NOT TAKE HER BACK no matter what.

Do not help her settle in another home with YOUR funds either. Let the Other Man (OM) carry her burden from now on.

Discuss your situation with a competent to lawyer. Discuss the possibility of securing custody of your children in particular if she is not giving them much attention.

About time you tell your friends and family members as well.

Take your time to reflect on what I have told you.

 

[Swyna]

You all made a good point.

Right before she moved out today, cried all day while packing. I were with kids. Scared that i take kids away from her and so on. Asked last time is that what you wish to do.. cried again and said I don’t know but still “she needs” this.. alright, wish her well and that’s it.

Before going to the car, spoke to the kids. I think that’s just wrong to tell and give hope to kids maybe it’s back to normal soon and mommy is back..it’s never normal anymore..damage is done. Feels like i’m back up plan..

 

I told her that i’ll contact a lawyer to settle 50/50 custody. Week with me week with her.

I keep all our conversations, just in case.

 

of course I won’t pay any of her bills. Been down that road once in my life and never again.

And of course i need to find new secretary for my company, she did everything before.

Edited August 7, 2022 by Swyna

[stillafool]

She's definitely got another man waiting for her in the wings somewhere.  Sorry OP but soon the truth will be revealed.  She is a sorry excuse for a mother and you and your little girls deserve better.  You should be happy to send her on her way.  There are still some good women out there.

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Swyna said:

I told her that i’ll contact a lawyer to settle 50/50 custody.

Sorry this is happening. Yes do whatever is best for the kids at this point.

[Swyna]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

She's definitely got another man waiting for her in the wings somewhere.  Sorry OP but soon the truth will be revealed.  She is a sorry excuse for a mother and you and your little girls deserve better.  You should be happy to send her on her way.  There are still some good women out there.

Well i know that man in person, even if there is something between them, probably not for long, damaged guy who was obsessed with her ex maybe still is and also raising a kid. Even my neighbors said, she will be back when reality kicks in or love breaks 🤦‍♂️.

OP meaning?

But yea i do deserve better person, hard to let go but time will heal. I feel so damn sorry for my kids, I don’t want them to suffer.. they have beautiful house i built, loving friends/neighbors, big yard etc. But 1 week in very small apartment feels like they are trapped.. i saw the pain in their eyes when she left.. huh.