I am at an emotional dead-end with my ex?

[laylafortheride]

Hi everyone. So I was in a lesbian codependent relationship and we broke up because my ex fell for another woman and because we did not have sex in our relationship. She was the one not initiating and wanting sex with me, while I felt rejected most of the time and obviously would not initiate it to avoid rejection. Other than that, our relationship was very loving, she would love-bombed me all the time and hug/kiss me but at times I felt that I was not treated right, for instance she would not push away girls that were clearly flirting with her.

Anyway, she started hanging out with some girls from a community she joined last year and there she met a girl she was immediately attracted to. She kept this a secret for 6 months, I don't really know if they texted each other or not during this time, but I am sure this was the case. All this time she would ask for space, drift away from me and find silly excuses to fight with me, even over the most trivial things. It was fairly obvious she wanted to break up with me but did not have the courage to say so. I had to break up with her after her confession that she loved someone else.

Now I am at a very delicate position. The problem is, we share a house abroad. Due to the flexibility of her work, she can telework 20 days per month from anywhere. Her gf lives in another country and she spends 20 days there and the rest of the month she has to come back at our country. When she comes, we live together at our house. We still sleep in the same bed, we hug and kiss and she texts me every day that she misses me and loves me and that I am the love of her life and that she has many plans for us, like living together until we are old (which is crazy as she will obviously live with her gf then). Meanwhile, she is crazy in love with this new person and they have common friends and hobbies. They are very bonded already. Her new gf does not know that we keep living together these 10 days per month and she is not planning to tell her. Actually she had her over one time here and she asked me to stay at a hotel while she would host her in our house. That was very painful for me but I was still at the shock phase and did not realize the gravity of what she did.

I am still very much in love with her and suffer every day. I see her living her best life with this girl and coming back to me, whenever she wants, and kissing/hugging me whenever she wants but at the same time refusing me a relationship. I feel suffocated as I can't let go of her hugs even though I know they are fake for the most part. I think she does loves me but only as a friend. When I tell her so she says I am her everything and can't see me as a friend only. She even says that everything she does she thinks of me and she carries me in her heart all the time. How can she say those words when she is hugging and having sex with someone else?

I am so messed up and feel I am am at a deadlock. I can move out and go back to my home country but I would still miss her there terribly. If I did this, we would cut off all physical contact as we would be away from each other. But physical contact is very important to me, as I was codependent with her and am addicted to her. It's like I can't live with or without her, as living with her means that I get to see her happy with someone else, talking on the phone etc and without her means that I could die out of pain for not seeing her. Both options scare the hell out of me and feel I can't move forward. I even mentioned to her I want to move to another country and she started crying saying she couldn't handle me leaving our house. When I see her crying, I feel so bad for wanting to leave that I just get numb and make up my mind again.

I can't do this anymore, she knows that by telling me she loves me she gets to keep me staying with her these 10 days per month but all I get is false hopes for reconnecting. These hopes are totally false as she has told me that our relationship was more of the friendly type and not erotic love and that she is not attracted to me sexually, as opposed to her current gf.

I know we will never get back together but I feel unable to leave. It is so unfair she gets to have fun with someone else and she gets to have me as an emotional security blanket. I hate myself for being in this position and being unable to leave our house and falling for her words. I am a complete loser and feel I can't break the cord, it's too much to handle. I see a therapist and she tells me I should leave whenever I am ready but I just feel I can't. I am at a dead-end.

What should I do?

P.S. I apologise for my English, I am not a native speaker.

[glows]

Going by what you've written, this isn't a relationship and it doesn't sound like it was a relationship. She bombarded you with platonic affection (hugs etc) and you fell for her assuming it was some kind of relationship while you were living together as roommates. You shared a bed but she didn't want to have sex with you. There was some closeness but ultimately she wasn't physically attracted to you and couldn't bring herself to have sex. 

At the moment you are only roommates, nothing more. I think both of you are making this out to be more than what it is, will all due respect. Give her written notice that you're leaving and tell her to respect your privacy (leave you alone, not bother you with her dramatics/tears). Go back to your home country and find appropriate support for your codependency. See your doctors for a health check up and ask for referrals or appropriate channels for support. 

Staying here is hurting you. All break ups hurt but you'll have to be the more mature one and move on with your life. Don't waste it living with someone who isn't interested in being with you or appreciating all of you.

Edited July 1, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is horrid, OP. 

6 hours ago, laylafortheride said:

It is so unfair she gets to have fun with someone else and she gets to have me as an emotional security blanket.

You are letting her do it. You are an equal participant in your own misery, so it's not about being fair. It's about you having no boundaries. 

6 hours ago, laylafortheride said:

How can she say those words when she is hugging and having sex with someone else?

Because she is manipulative and selfish. She is playing the both of you (you and her girlfriend)

6 hours ago, laylafortheride said:

What should I do?

Stop playing house with her. One of you needs to move out - whose name is on the lease or mortgage? 

[Alpacalia]

If you can understand why you wish to remain in a dead in the water relationship and what motivates you, then you can end it.

Increasing the distance slowly eases severance. Friction and conflict do not have to result. A sense of rejoicing in the natural space between you will bring great benefit (and peace).

Evaluate where you are now and what you need to do next. 

Ask for what you need by simply asking. If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, that is fine too.

But you have to ask yourself this question: Do you need to filter this specific individual out? Seeing that you are precious and only deserve the best in life will make it easier for you to move forward. Find your strengths and put them to good use. 

I recognize it's difficult for you to let go of those toxic relationships and to let go of people who do not treat you the way you would like to be treated, or who simply put a damper on your parade with their discouraging gaze. Once you let go of such individuals, you can make space for the type of people who will lift you up. Revel in that space. Come back to yourself. Connect with your passions and reconnect with your detachment. Detach slowly. Things won't change overnight. Just be honest with yourself every step of the way. An ending doesn’t need to be dramatic. Find comfort in the space before you take a leap-off the ledge.

Finding the courage to let go - however difficult it may seem - is a noble act. The right relationships only come in when the wrong ones go out.

 

Edited July 2, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

The only reason this continues is because you are ALLOWING it.  You are in a completely codependent and dysfunctional situation, and every day you are choosing to keep this suffering and torment in your life.  This woman cannot give you a proper relationship but she is also stuck in her own codependent, toxic behavior.  She is not going to make the responsible choice, so you have to be the one to make the choice for yourself.

On 7/1/2022 at 5:58 AM, laylafortheride said:

 I see a therapist and she tells me I should leave whenever I am ready but I just feel I can't. I am at a dead-end.

Yes you can leave, it's something you will be forced to do eventually when this gets even more ugly.  Leaving won't be easy, it will suck, but we all have to go through difficult things in life.  It's good that you're in therapy, but it sounds like your therapist still hasn't gotten through to you unfortunately.

You're not stuck in a dead-end, you're free to leave at any time, you're just choosing to stay in a toxic situation right now.

[laylafortheride]

Hi, I am in a lesbian relationship. Me and my gf fell in love while she was in another, long-term relationship for a good 7 years. She broke up with her ex over me and immediately we started a relationship, which is going very well, we have good sex, communication, but sometimes we fight because of slight incompatibilities. Overall, however, I can attest to the fact that she seems very much in love with me, she cares about me and we have so much fun.

Anyway, with her ex they had a strictly platonic relationship as my gf lost sexual attraction to her from the first months of their relationship already (they stopped having sex altogether). However, they still had a very strong, codependent and affectionate bond and continued the relationship until she met and fell in love with me. Then my gf realized that she only saw her ex as a best friend and not as a lover and that she could not continue their 'relationship' .

Since their break up and the start of our relationship, my gf texts her ex every day saying that she misses her and twice she told her that she is the love of her life. In response to the ex's question if she loves me, she said that she had some feelings in the beginning but not anymore, that she is not in love with me and does not love me and that she can't wait to have experiences with her, like holidays etc and that she wishes she (her ex) was a little kitten so that she could carry her on her all the time (!). Throughout their relationship, my gf would call her ex 'kitten' and she would act like the mom of the kitten, taking care of her. She would act very mother-like towards her ex.

She even makes holiday plans with her and still calls her sweet names, although obviously much less than before. When her ex acts a bit distant in the texts they exchange, my gf asks her 'why aren't you sweet with me'? Please tell me you miss me'. She also says that she can't be emotionally involved with anyone else because she thinks of her all the time and she cries over her. They even tell each other that they dream of them every night. However, when her ex asked her if they could get back together she said no because their relationship was not of a truly 'romantic/sexual' type and my gf needs sex and romantic attraction in her life.

I know all this because I saw messages on her phone when she left it accidentally at home one day. All this has been going on since day one from their break up.

I don't know how to feel. I mean I know she is in love with me, she likes sex with me and I also know that she is not attracted to her ex at all so I know they are not getting physical and that these messages are not suspicious. Her ex still very much wants her mind you. What truly bothers me that she hid from me the fact that sometimes she sleeps at her ex (when she does not sleep at my place) and that she texts her ex that she misses her. I don't mind the daily exchanges but only the content of them. Perhaps she is guilty because she dumped her for me and now the ex is suffering and all these are lies to relieve her conscience but still. I know its a different type of love than ours, mostly of the friendly type but I am wondering if this is normal or she is not 100% into me as I used to think, especially because she said she is not in love with me, even though it seems otherwise. I can't admit what I saw to her, because I feel extremely bad for violating her privacy. Any thoughts? What should I make of this whole thing?

Sorry for my English, not a native speaker.

[glows]

She isn't in love with you and she doesn't respect you, OP. When will you accept that and stop being taken for a ride with this woman? 

You keep making excuses for her. She wasn't in the best place when she met you and cheated on her ex-gf to be with you. That tells you all you need to know about this person.

[laylafortheride]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

She isn't in love with you and she doesn't respect you, OP. When will you accept that and stop being taken for a ride with this woman? 

You keep making excuses for her. She wasn't in the best place when she met you and cheated on her ex-gf to be with you. That tells you all you need to know about this person.

Technically she did not cheat on her, we started our thing one week before they broke up but yes, I see your point. But I know  she just sees her ex as a puppy.

I am thinking that maybe she lies to her ex about me, like she tells her she is bored sometimes or that I irritate her and that she does not love me just to keep her as an emotional security blanket because as a person she is very afraid of loneliness (so in that case she does love me)

Edited July 5, 2022 by laylafortheride

[glows]

1 minute ago, laylafortheride said:

Technically she did not cheat on her, we started our thing one week before they broke up but yes, I see your point. But I know  she just sees her ex as a puppy.

I am thinking that maybe she lies to her ex about me, like she tells her she is bored sometimes or that I irritate her and that she does not love me just to keep her as an emotional security blanket because as a person she is very afraid of loneliness (so in that case she does love me)

If she's afraid of being alone she's with someone because she can't stand being alone. It has nothing to do with love. 

You are still twisting the situation and making excuses for her. She does not love you and she doesn't respect you. I'm sorry to say that. This person is seriously messed up and you're accepting it.

[laylafortheride]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

If she's afraid of being alone she's with someone because she can't stand being alone. It has nothing to do with love. 

You are still twisting the situation and making excuses for her. She does not love you and she doesn't respect you. I'm sorry to say that. This person is seriously messed up and you're accepting it.

You are right, I am constantly thinking all these things you mention myself, but I just can't get my head around how loving and sexy she is with me. She does not sweet talk to me all the time but I can feel her love or at least I think I feel it. It's very sad, indeed, maybe I should confront her about her texts.

[glows]

16 minutes ago, laylafortheride said:

You are right, I am constantly thinking all these things you mention myself, but I just can't get my head around how loving and sexy she is with me. She does not sweet talk to me all the time but I can feel her love or at least I think I feel it. It's very sad, indeed, maybe I should confront her about her texts.

Do you think she'll change? It's not likely. 

Try looking at your own reasons for staying in a relationship like this instead of trying to change someone else. 

[laylafortheride]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Do you think she'll change? It's not likely. 

Try looking at your own reasons for staying in a relationship like this instead of trying to change someone else. 

I don't think she will, but I don't like to leave this relationship without telling her the real reason...

[glows]

Just now, laylafortheride said:

I don't think she will, but I don't like to leave this relationship without telling her the real reason...

She can't be so daft not to know the reasons you are leaving. She knows. You're prolonging the issue. You can talk with her but you will be drawn into her drama again and again. Repeat the cycle that keeps you tied to her. 

[laylafortheride]

1 minute ago, glows said:

She can't be so daft not to know the reasons you are leaving. She knows. You're prolonging the issue. You can talk with her but you will be drawn into her drama again and again. Repeat the cycle that keeps you tied to her. 

But I have to give her an official reason because my feelings still haven't changed for her, I still like her...

[glows]

25 minutes ago, laylafortheride said:

But I have to give her an official reason because my feelings still haven't changed for her, I still like her...

I doubt she feels the same way about you or the the extent that you feel for her. Proceed at your own risk and be aware of her various antics and methods keeping you tied to this situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, laylafortheride said:

I know she is in love with me

Unfortunately, she is not. 

It's very important that you don't sell yourself a story about this relationship, because the reality is the opposite and too painful to accept. 

12 hours ago, laylafortheride said:

I am wondering if this is normal

No, it is absolutely not normal. This woman is not a good person, and she emotionally cheats on you just like she did to her ex. I am really sorry Layla, but this woman does not love you nor does she have any basic respect for you. She misses her ex and clearly wants her back. You are sadly just a stop-gap while those two work on their dysfunctional relationship. 

If you don't break up with her, she will eventually do it herself. They're going to wind up back together and you will be left high and dry. Mark my words. 

[laylafortheride]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unfortunately, she is not. 

It's very important that you don't sell yourself a story about this relationship, because the reality is the opposite and too painful to accept. 

No, it is absolutely not normal. This woman is not a good person, and she emotionally cheats on you just like she did to her ex. I am really sorry Layla, but this woman does not love you nor does she have any basic respect for you. She misses her ex and clearly wants her back. You are sadly just a stop-gap while those two work on their dysfunctional relationship. 

If you don't break up with her, she will eventually do it herself. They're going to wind up back together and you will be left high and dry. Mark my words. 

Thanks, through careful consideration I realise that she does not really love me. But them getting back together I think is impossible, because she left her because she was not attracted to her and sex was a major issue between them, and my gf really needs to have sex in her life and not some puppy/kitty she sees her ex as. Furthermore, in the forum we met she confessed that the phase of her life with her ex is totally gone but has some nostalgia, which is not the same as wanting to get back together.

[ExpatInItaly]

These two are not done, I promise you that. 

And even if they were, the problem remains: she isn't really that into you. Your best move is to dump her so you can find someone who is crazy about you and only you, and doesn't treat you like the third wheel in her and her ex's relationship. 

[smackie9]

You sound like you are in a rebound relationship. Usually they are in limerence that looks like they are in love, but the honest truth is they are not. It's infatuation. She still loves her ex, misses her, that's why she's back in contact. All the bad stuff she said about her ex probably isn't true. She just wanted to see if the grass was greener...I suspect she is regretting leaving. 

[laylafortheride]

43 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

These two are not done, I promise you that. 

And even if they were, the problem remains: she isn't really that into you. Your best move is to dump her so you can find someone who is crazy about you and only you, and doesn't treat you like the third wheel in her and her ex's relationship. 

Thank you, yes I also think that she is not so much into me, maybe she had a crush or something but now is not in love with me anymore. 

[laylafortheride]

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You sound like you are in a rebound relationship. Usually they are in limerence that looks like they are in love, but the honest truth is they are not. It's infatuation. She still loves her ex, misses her, that's why she's back in contact. All the bad stuff she said about her ex probably isn't true. She just wanted to see if the grass was greener...I suspect she is regretting leaving. 

Regretting I don't know, but I had never thought of ours as a rebound because she left her to be with me. Actually to make matters worse, she did not break up with her, to my understanding of the texts her ex had to do it as she wouldn't bear doing it. 

All that gives me relief is that she does not love her either, given the fact that she was distant before they broke up and emotionally cheated on her with me even before the break up. 

[laylafortheride]

And they lie to you just to keep you around and tell you that your love is what drives them to do things, does this mean they are a narcissist? 

She tells me every day that she cries over me (which is a lie) and that she can't live without me. The worst is that she says that she is happy because she has found 'her person, her soulmate' (which is me) and this is why she can now go live her life and have experiences with other people. I am an ex mind you, and her saying this is like saying you are my security blanket. And she finds that cute to say, cause she says it with a loving voice and considers this proof that she loves me.
I once told her I will cut her off and she started crying saying that I am abandoning her. She cried so much I felt guilty.
She also told me that if I ever find someone else, I should make sure that she is the priority in my life and that she is my love, not my gf.
Assuming that they are no longer attracted to you and you have no chance of reconciliation and she has dumped me for someone else, what do these words show?

Edited July 8, 2022 by laylafortheride

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, laylafortheride said:

I am an ex mind you

In your thread a couple days ago, you were the girlfriend. 

Which is it? 

[laylafortheride]

So I still live with my ex a few days per month (due to my work arrangements I have to go to my ex's country 10 days per month).

I broke up with her because I was no longer attracted to her and fell in love with someone else, whom I currently date and I am much in love.

At the beginning my gf asked me what happened to my ex and I told her, out of fear and so as not to worry her without reason, that my ex has moved out of our flat in the country I go to for these 10 days and that I live there alone. The house has only one bedroom so that would look a bit suspicious, even though I have told her that me and my ex never had sex in our relationship (which is the truth).

I also invited her once and asked my ex to stay at a hotel for the days she would stay at my place. So she has no reasons to suspect me. Of course she knows me and my ex are close and that we talk regularly but she does not know this tiny detail.

The other days of the month (20 days) I live with my gf in our country.

I don't feel guilty for not having told her because as I said I see my ex like my sister or something. But sometimes I am afraid she might find out and then I may have to explain that it means nothing and I did not want to worry her unnecessarily. Would you get mad if you found out such a lie, even if it is a white lie and you see your partner in love with you?

The reason I have not asked my ex to move out is because she had some financial troubles moving out, a new job just right before the break up and because I consider her important in my life and don't want to spend these 10 days per month alone. But she is definitely not a priority and I don't have any romantic feelings for her.

So would you tell your partner the truth or continue hide it? It's been 6 months this is going on.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP. 

In every thread, you are posting as someone else:

Here it's the woman who's between her new GF and her ex. 

In the previous, you're the ex. 

In yet another, you're the new girlfriend. 

Opening new threads and pretending to be all these different people isn't going to help you get the advice you want.