I am at an emotional dead-end with my ex?

[laylafortheride]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP. 

In every thread, you are posting as someone else:

Here it's the woman who's between her new GF and her ex. 

In the previous, you're the ex. 

In yet another, you're the new girlfriend. 

Opening new threads and pretending to be all these different people isn't going to help you get the advice you want.

Still, I don't see what the problem is.

 

If you don't want to answer, then don't.

[stillafool]

Maybe you need therapy to help you at least decide which person you want to be.  Seriously.

[ExpatInItaly]

47 minutes ago, laylafortheride said:

Still, I don't see what the problem is.

 

If you don't want to answer, then don't.

Because we can't properly answer your questions without understanding your real position in all of this. 

Changing who you are in each thread suggests you're trying to steer the advice in a particular direction. That seems rather pointless and not helpful for you. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, laylafortheride said:

Still, I don't see what the problem is.

 

 

Since you don't see it as a problem, can you answer why continue to change who you are?

[laylafortheride]

I am the ex who got dumped but I was trying to analyse the problem through different angles because I have noticed an interesting pattern when I tell my situation to people from a different point of view.

If I tell my story as the ex who got dumped, which is the real me, people are gonna say that my ex is using me and manipulating me, which is of course true. 

If I tell me story as the current gf, people tell me that my ex still likes me and that we are gonna end up together, which is NOT true as my ex has clearly stated to her therapist that she only sees me as family.

Finally, if I tell my story as the ex who dumped me, people are gonna say I am doing something suspicious and that i don't really love my current gf (not true).

So really I did all this just to get different points of view on the same story. To me, its a bit odd that when the point of view changes, the answer also changes.

 

Edited July 9, 2022 by laylafortheride

[ExpatInItaly]

Whomever you present yourself to be - you still need to get away from all parties involved. 

This is a dead-end, dysfunctional situation with no future.  It's a toxic mess.

Cut ties and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, laylafortheride said:

To me, its a bit odd that when the point of view changes, the answer also changes.

That's because you present the facts differently, so it's going to change the response you get.

It makes zero sense to do so. Just be honest from the get-go rather than try to mislead posters. 

[laylafortheride]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Whomever you present yourself to be - you still need to get away from all parties involved. 

This is a dead-end, dysfunctional situation with no future.  It's a toxic mess.

Cut ties and move on.

I agree, but it is really hard for me.

My ex who cheated on me was my constant for years, and I was codependent.

Therapy helps, but my ex keeps telling me I love you and I miss you for her own selfish goals and she gets me every time, unfortunately.

I feel I am trauma bonded and I know I need to get away, but I still can't.

[laylafortheride]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

That's because you present the facts differently, so it's going to change the response you get.

It makes zero sense to do so. Just be honest from the get-go rather than try to mislead posters. 

I did not present the facts differently, I don't know whats going on in my ex's new relationship but I know she loves her, as she admitted to her therapist.

I know I sound creepy, but I am totally normal. I am just deeply hurt and this is my first ever break up, so quite a challenge for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, laylafortheride said:

Therapy helps, but my ex keeps telling me I love you and I miss you

Therapy can't help you to the fullest when you keep your ex in your life. 

2 minutes ago, laylafortheride said:

I know I need to get away, but I still can't.

Yes, you can.  Stop telling yourself you can't. You are making choices that keep you stuck. As long as you choose this, it won't get better. 

[laylafortheride]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Therapy can't help you to the fullest when you keep your ex in your life. 

Yes, you can.  Stop telling yourself you can't. You are making choices that keep you stuck. As long as you choose this, it won't get better. 

I know, but when I am determined to do this, I immediately think that what my ex did was not that bad. I mean she chose someone else over me because she was no longer attracted to me and we never had sex anyway. I was also not so much attracted to her but would never end the relationship for someone else. I would try to work on our issues first. Yes, what she did was bad but was also inevitable.

Plus, I am enjoying some benefits she still provides me, hugs, her credit card (she still allows me to use it), I live rent-free in a foreign country because she pays the rent and I somehow feel that I am also gaining from this, even though I feel like a doormat. I mean, I feel like I am the victim but I also think that I may take some advantages and not be truly honest with myself.  What is more, I feel that by being involved with her, I distract her a bit from her gf.

Still, it is highly toxic though.

Edited July 9, 2022 by laylafortheride

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, laylafortheride said:

I feel like I am the victim but I also think that I may take some advantages and not be truly honest with myself.

Yes, you are both apparently using each other. 

 

[BaileyB]

On 7/1/2022 at 4:58 AM, laylafortheride said:

I know we will never get back together but I feel unable to leave.

I would find another counsellor and/or get some intensive counselling, because this is very, very unhealthy - no matter which way you look at it. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by BaileyB

[laylafortheride]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would find another counsellor and/or get some intensive counselling, because this is very, very unhealthy - no matter which way you look at it. 

I was thinking of changing my counsellor (I am already going twice per week) because I really can't get out of this and my therapy is not really helping.