5 percent leave

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SDlady68 said:

Im an older woman mid 50s and I have a successful career.

Be careful not to buy into his financial woes too much. 

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

Also, id like to add this, I have told him to seek legal advice on what his rights are as hes afraid shell come after all hes got and him and his parents will be out on the street.  I told him shes not entitled to take everything.  But he still wont seek it he leans on other friends past divorces.  Also, she watches him and questions him on every move.  Why are you on your phone? where you going?  no trips to see friends etc.. he says he feels like a prisoner when it comes to her.  But hes wanting to find an none harsh way to end this, even though ive told him someone will be mad and bitter.

I feel like he gives a s*** about me..that i do believe.  But i believe he feels like hes getting the best of both worlds  yes i do.  But he cares about what i think and feel.  So sorry this was so long.  But ill follow up with more later.

Sounds lovely. Despite that you shouldn't count on him leaving. Some people simply have a hard time leaving a partner they're used to, even if there's a lot they're unhappy with. And financial or other factors often help make it "just not worth it". So, seems to be the way it is...

One recommendation for you to be aware of. Just a few US states allow "alienation of affection" lawsuits. This allows a divorcee to sue an affair partner if there is court-admissible evidence of the affair and a claim that the affair "caused" the divorce. You can get a free half hour consult with a family attorney in most US states, and they should be able to tell you whether your state allows these. While I suspect that financially most of the kinds of suits are a waste of time, one never knows how vindictive a jilted spouse might become. So, it's probably a good idea to be aware of whether your jurisdiction allows this.

[stillafool]

On 7/1/2022 at 7:46 AM, SDlady68 said:

but i know if i did move there id not be able to see him in public because hell be super uncomfortable knowing hes been in that city for years, and so many people know him.  So moving there to be closer is not an option for me. 

Does he want you to move there and still be in an affair with him or he'll leave his wife and want you to move there?  It isn't clear from your post.

[SDlady68]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Sounds lovely. Despite that you shouldn't count on him leaving. Some people simply have a hard time leaving a partner they're used to, even if there's a lot they're unhappy with. And financial or other factors often help make it "just not worth it". So, seems to be the way it is...

One recommendation for you to be aware of. Just a few US states allow "alienation of affection" lawsuits. This allows a divorcee to sue an affair partner if there is court-admissible evidence of the affair and a claim that the affair "caused" the divorce. You can get a free half hour consult with a family attorney in most US states, and they should be able to tell you whether your state allows these. While I suspect that financially most of the kinds of suits are a waste of time, one never knows how vindictive a jilted spouse might become. So, it's probably a good idea to be aware of whether your jurisdiction allows this.

I have thought of that regarding the alienation of affection and im not sure if his state is part of that rule. But i do think of that as i do not want anything to do with her.  The less i know of her and what is going on the better I am. One thing im not is crazy.  Not one of those women that seek out a man to give his life hell.  Id just as soon walk away for good.  I guess that is one thing hes grateful for is that im not nuts enought to staulk his home since i know where he lives.  

[SDlady68]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Does he want you to move there and still be in an affair with him or he'll leave his wife and want you to move there?  It isn't clear from your post.

We spoke about me moving there to be closer to him, but we both agreed wed see less of each other there because hes been in that town so long hed be noticed if we tried to sneak off to meet up or he comes to my place and gets caught by someone that knows him.  We have talked about me moving there after hes divorced many many times.  And that is what hed like is me there closer too him.

[SDlady68]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

He’s got drama all around him. Created by him!

why would you want someone like that? 
 

you know what? His drama wouldn’t end when (if) he ever divorces her. He is the center of his drama.

I’ve seen it in people for decades… they always have drama happening around them - because THEY create it. It gets old and tiring.

He hates the drama that he married into for sure. He didnt come with kids and her mental history along with physical problems.  All i know is he cant stand the drama, stress etc.. speaks of it all the time.  I notice it in him when he talks.  But i have no drama, no baggage..etc.. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, SDlady68 said:

We spoke about me moving there to be closer to him, but we both agreed wed see less of each other there because hes been in that town so long hed be noticed if we tried to sneak off to meet up or he comes to my place and gets caught by someone that knows him.  We have talked about me moving there after hes divorced many many times.  And that is what hed like is me there closer too him.

Why upend your life to be closer to a man who can’t be in a legit relationship with you and doesn’t want to be seen in public with you? I mean - red flag, red flag, red flag! You are sacrificing your life to move closer to a man that maybe, someday, years down the road after he is divorced and enough time has passed - he may walk down the street with you hand in hand, assuming that nobody is going to see you and think poorly of him/cause trouble. 

As my dear mother used to say to me - give your head a shake girl. Does this seem like a good plan to you? If your sister or your best friend was saying this, would you say - that sounds like a wise decision?

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, SDlady68 said:

But i do think of that as i do not want anything to do with her.  The less i know of her and what is going on the better I am.

Indeed, you are having sex with her husband so you had best distance yourself from the “crazy” wife. 

The better option is to leave the man alone unless/until they divorce. Do this, and you will have nothing to worry about. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, SDlady68 said:

He hates the drama that he married into for sure. He didnt come with kids and her mental history along with physical problems.  All i know is he cant stand the drama, stress etc.. speaks of it all the time.  I notice it in him when he talks.  But i have no drama, no baggage..etc.. 

He hates the drama yet he married into it and remains there.  Okay.  Some people thrive on drama and without it in their lives to complain about they feel empty.  I would love to hear her version of their marriage, you'd probably be shocked if she told you.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

Also, she watches him and questions him on every move.  Why are you on your phone? where you going?  no trips to see friends etc.. he says he feels like a prisoner when it comes to her. 

Given that he is actually using his phone deceptively and sneaking off to see you, how do you not have understanding as to why she does this?   

If someone is sneaking around cheating, it is their fault that the betrayed spouse becomes hyper vigilant.   It's time to get real - your AP is not the victim here.

[Maylady]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Given that he is actually using his phone deceptively and sneaking off to see you, how do you not have understanding as to why she does this?   

If someone is sneaking around cheating, it is their fault that the betrayed spouse becomes hyper vigilant.   It's time to get real - your AP is not the victim here.

No kidding.  He's doing exactly what her gut is telling her.  Omg!  How dare she question him about who he's talking to when he's talking to his mistress. The nerve of her!   He thinks he's living in a prison now, just wait until she finds out.  It'll be hell on earth

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He hates the drama yet he married into it and remains there.

Not to mention, he has got himself into an extramarital affair. 

Don’t kid yourself OP, people who hate drama don’t involve themselves in multiple relationships. 

Edited July 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Given that he is actually using his phone deceptively and sneaking off to see you, how do you not have understanding as to why she does this?   

Maybe you are not his first affair? Maybe you are not his only affair partner? Women who do this tend to either feel that something is off or they have good reason to watch him closely - from previous experience.

Edited July 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Alvi]

On 7/1/2022 at 10:43 PM, SDlady68 said:

He has no kids and his elderly parents live with him. So if he tried to leave he'd have to afford a way to find them a place to comfortably live which I understand fully. Just what gets me is, if he was unhappy all these years why not leave? But I suppose some people just settle into a rough situation and live their life as best they can until they go numb. 

I am very curious about his parents. From what I am reading here, they have absolutely NO savings whatsoever? They don't receive any pension or any old age security? In fact, they don't get help from the government at all. And here is absolutely no government programs out there that might help low income seniors. No housing, no personal care, nothing. There government threw them out on a street and him, being a good son, has no choice but to help them out. It is either he stays in the loveless marriage to the woman that he cannot stand or what exactly is going to happen to his parents? They are going to end up in a shelter or on a street? To be honest, it makes no sense. How and where they lived before they moved in with him?  So he has no other siblings or relatives that could help him or them out at all? So many questions but is ne giving you a concrete answers that actually make sense? What is he telling you about all this?

I think this is totally ridiculous that he uses his parents as an excuse for not leaving his wife. Most married men tell their AP's that they cannot leave because of the kids. I never heard the parents excuse up till now. But since his daughter is all grown up, guessing he cannot use her as an excuse anymore. But, OK, makes no difference since the end result is the same. He is just replacing the kids excuse with the parents excuse. Him not leaving his wife and him taking care of his elderly parents are two very separate things. I really don't see how they  intervene in his head. He could always get a second job to help out his folks if needed after a divorce. But I am guessing this is a no for him. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive

[Alvi]

11 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

Also, she watches him and questions him on every move.  Why are you on your phone? where you going?  no trips to see friends etc.. he says he feels like a prisoner when it comes to her.

Actually, this is a very interesting statement. Do you think she would actually be "policing" him if he wasn't having an affair behind her back? Sure. you can call her controlling. But is she?  She feels that something is off and  is looking for a proof of infidelity. What do you think he is doing on his phone? That's right, he is texting his mistress. Where is he going? That's right, to visit his mistress. No trips to see his friends? But he is not going to see his friends. He is going to see his mistress. Can you honestly fault her for that???  I think that he is gaslighting her and telling her that this is all in her head. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by Alvi

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

 All i know is he cant stand the drama, stress etc.. speaks of it all the time.  I notice it in him when he talks.  But i have no drama, no baggage..etc.. 

Oh, come on. 

This man creates drama. He's having an affair and cries about drama and stess? That would be hilarious if it weren't so stunningly self-centred and hypocrticial. You would be wise to stop being so gullible, OP. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

But i have no drama, no baggage..etc.. 

Yet, he's creating all that for you. In your own words "95% don't leave", therefore this is living vicariously through all his complaints, drama, issues, problems, lies, exaggerations, stories, etc.

Almost like an HBO series, replete with the secretive "system" of communication that was devised to deceive his wife

What's missing is someone who is ready, willing and able to have a relationship in real-time with you, care for you and love you. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[heartwhole2]

On 7/1/2022 at 7:46 AM, SDlady68 said:

Im sure he hasnt put himself in my position as ive done with him. 

Affair or not, this is a very telling statement. He is happy to receive all of your attention and love, with you even moving closer to him just to make your affair more convenient. He isn't concerned for what you are sacrificing by doing this and being in a part-time, secret relationship. He sounds self-absorbed.

You said that he can't afford to care for his parents without her income, but you also said he's planning to set her up with a food truck in another state and hope that turns itself into a separation. So which is it? My guess is that his real hangup is not having the skills to navigate a stressful situation; he's conflict-avoidant. As others have pointed out, there are medicaid-accepting nursing homes. It's hard to imagine there are really zero options.

When he says that he "hates drama," what he means is that he feels so much stress when dealing with conflict that he just can't/won't. This actually increases the drama he has to deal with, because small things turn into big things over time. This isn't a skill that he's magically going to develop just because he's in a relationship with you instead of his wife.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Alvi said:

I think this is totally ridiculous that he uses his parents as an excuse for not leaving his wife.

Well actually when you have no children to blame for not leaving your spouse the next best thing would be aging parents.  Anything to make you look like you're the one who is suffering for someone else's benefit is the goal here.

[mark clemson]

On 7/2/2022 at 2:12 PM, SDlady68 said:

I have thought of that regarding the alienation of affection and im not sure if his state is part of that rule. But i do think of that as i do not want anything to do with her. 

This is something a family/divorce lawyer in his jurisdiction could clear up. In the US, many will give free 1/2 hour consultations where you could ask a question like this.

[vla1120]

On 7/2/2022 at 5:15 PM, SDlady68 said:

He hates the drama that he married into for sure. He didnt come with kids and her mental history along with physical problems.  All i know is he cant stand the drama, stress etc.. speaks of it all the time.  I notice it in him when he talks.  But i have no drama, no baggage..etc.. 

I often wonder how my ex-husband described me to his affair partners. I'm sure I was also the "crazy wife with mental health issues" while in reality, I was the hard-working main breadwinner who provided all the necessities of life for our family while he squandered away his earnings. I'm sure he also told them we slept in separate bedrooms and were more like roommates and were never intimate anymore - quite common in the world of cheating.... 

Because I did divorce him, he is entitled to half of my pension. This is one MAIN reason many men choose not to divorce their wives, understandably. It's very frustrating to give up half your pension. Very, very frustrating - especially knowing that I will now be financing his and his new wife's lifestyle with my hard earned pension - but, unlike many men, I was willing to leave the marriage and pay that price.

[Allupinnit]

You think all of those excuses he gives you are legitimate reasons for not leaving.  And you know what, it may be true with all of those people living under one roof and he can't upset the apple cart.

But where does that leave you?  The ever-pining OW waiting patiently for her turn in his life.  

There's another thread here where the MM was saying a lot of similar things to the OW, in fact, she was hanging her fertility on this guy leaving his W he swore he lived a separate life from.  But for whatever reason they just never pull the trigger.  They like the current setup much better.

[Allupinnit]

On 7/2/2022 at 8:38 PM, Alvi said:

Actually, this is a very interesting statement. Do you think she would actually be "policing" him if he wasn't having an affair behind her back? Sure. you can call her controlling. But is she?  She feels that something is off and  is looking for a proof of infidelity. What do you think he is doing on his phone? That's right, he is texting his mistress. Where is he going? That's right, to visit his mistress. No trips to see his friends? But he is not going to see his friends. He is going to see his mistress. Can you honestly fault her for that???  I think that he is gaslighting her and telling her that this is all in her head. 

100%!!!  She feels crazy because her spidey senses are tingling and she can't put her finger on it!  It's that women's intuition.

[Myabee]

On 7/1/2022 at 7:46 AM, SDlady68 said:

We met randomly when overseas.  And live in different states that are at least 6 hours apart from one another.  He tells me all the time that he wants me there with him. but i know if i did move there id not be able to see him in public because hell be super uncomfortable knowing hes been in that city for years, and so many people know him. 

Not seen in public with him? Red flag. Big red flag. And this is a phone, text face-time affair correct?  Don't be me! I was in this type  of thing for 18 months. He did not leave. I missed many red flags and caused myself more  misery then I ever imagined possible.  Really do you not see you are worth so much more? 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

Don't be me! I was in this type  of thing for 18 months.

Myabee it must be really eye opening reading these stories and realizing they all pretty much sound the same except for a few differences here and there.