ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2022 Share Posted July 2, 2022 9 hours ago, SallyTrue82 said: I have no intention of getting involved with his marriage and have respected his choice. You're already trying: 11 hours ago, SallyTrue82 said: How can I get him to see that staying in an unhappy marriage isnt right, he cant love his wife for doing this to her twice Sally, you are not respecting his choice if you're trying to come up with ways to convince him that his choice is wrong. You have no idea what goes on in their marriage behind closed doors. He lies to wife all the time, so you better believe he lies to you, too. My belief is that he doesn't have deep feelings for either one of you. He is comfortable with his married life, and he enjoyed the excitment on the side with you. Sure, he's fond of you. But that's about as far as it goes. He could be with you if he was really motivated to. But he isn't, so he's going to stay where he really wants to be, which is in his familiar, "secure" marriage. In time, you will see this is really over and you will move on. It will just take time for your heart to catch up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 2, 2022 Share Posted July 2, 2022 For better or worse, it seems to be the case that typically they don't leave. I like @Luna66star 's list and it's also true that some people simply feel emotionally insecure without a partner and will cling to the one they have, even if they're not particularly happy with them, AP or no. Furthermore a D-day, with the major mixed emotions, large drop in dopamine levels, and the prospect of having one's life severely disrupted in major ways plays havoc with people's emotions - for the WS as well as the BS. So, while it's true that people leave marriages every day, it's also true that leaving can be very hard for some when push comes to shove. And indeed, assuming he is genuinely unhappy, which he probably is at least at some level, it seems like he's had his opportunities. Whether you continue with this is up to you, of course. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. His discussions of leaving may have been sincere, rather than deliberate deception, but (IF so) clearly more along the lines of fantasy/pipe-dreams than actual plans. Since it appears he is one of those who can't bring themselves to actually leave, you probably don't want to be predicating any of your decisions on that prospect. You mention difficulty sleeping - if you are having recurring "intrusive" thoughts and distressing longing for this man, you may have developed limerence. This is a bona fide altered psychological state with some similarities to OCD and also addiction. I believe it can be intensified by "can't have them" situations, including many affairs. It only tends to happen a few times in a lifetime for most people, so even full adults can be unprepared for it. If you think you might have this, you can read more on the Wikipedia page for it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 (edited) On 7/1/2022 at 1:45 PM, SallyTrue82 said: How can I get him to see that staying in an unhappy marriage isnt right, he cant love his wife for doing this to her twice. I know some of you may feel that I was wrong for going back when I shouldn’t have gone there in the first place but I had to follow my heart. I dont want to be alone forever but I also dont want to ever be with anyone but him You would be surprised how many times a married man can cheat on a wife and still love her. Ever hear of a player? And big red flag... if he has cheated on his wife twice how could you ever trust he could be faithful to you? Edited July 5, 2022 by Myabee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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