I feel like my wife is slipping away from me

[Will am I]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

you don’t tell her she needs to work on it with you.

This exactly. You can't control the other person, only yourself.

Don't cross over the boundaries what she should or should not do. Just set your own boundary. Tell you wife how you are uncomfortable by the friendship and even more by the way she's protective of it. How you don't feel safe in the marriage. And how you won't accept your marriage to be an unsafe place forever.

[Husband 339]

Update-

so she asked me if it’s ok if this guy comes over to our apartment for dinner (just him and her- I’m still away). She said that Since he’s leaving, his house doesn’t have anything and she wanted to help him out. 
 

I told her I wasn’t ok with it and she got quite annoyed. she isn’t having him over and she’s going out with girlfriends now instead.

 

but she’s very annoyed and sick of talking about this. she brings up the fact that she has, over time, put more effort into our relationship than me. She has done a lot for me and my parents to be fair. She thinks it’s unfair that I told her that I compromised more for our relationship (back when she had an issue with a friend of mine) than she is willing to now, because she has put in more time and effort throughout the course of our marriage. 
 

i told her I understand her point of view, and since we had our initial talk I’ve been working hard to rectify this, and I’m just asking that in the meantime she compromise this friendship with the guy a little. 
 

She briefly mentioned me getting an Airbnb when I get back and not staying in our apartment, but seems to have softened since then. I’ll talk more with her later

[giotto]

46 minutes ago, Husband 339 said:

Update-

so she asked me if it’s ok if this guy comes over to our apartment for dinner (just him and her- I’m still away). She said that Since he’s leaving, his house doesn’t have anything and she wanted to help him out. 
 

I told her I wasn’t ok with it and she got quite annoyed. she isn’t having him over and she’s going out with girlfriends now instead.

 

but she’s very annoyed and sick of talking about this. she brings up the fact that she has, over time, put more effort into our relationship than me. She has done a lot for me and my parents to be fair. She thinks it’s unfair that I told her that I compromised more for our relationship (back when she had an issue with a friend of mine) than she is willing to now, because she has put in more time and effort throughout the course of our marriage. 
 

i told her I understand her point of view, and since we had our initial talk I’ve been working hard to rectify this, and I’m just asking that in the meantime she compromise this friendship with the guy a little. 
 

She briefly mentioned me getting an Airbnb when I get back and not staying in our apartment, but seems to have softened since then. I’ll talk more with her later

She doesn't really get it. Does she?

[Will am I]

Be curtious and fair and reasonable at all times. But stay true to your own boundaries. Having your ex’s new partner over in your appartment is not something that can be reasonably expected of you.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Husband 339 said:

so she asked me if it’s ok if this guy comes over to our apartment for dinner (just him and her- I’m still away). She said that Since he’s leaving, his house doesn’t have anything and she wanted to help him out. 

It’s difficult to believe that a woman could be so willfully obtuse. 

[mark clemson]

The good news appears to be that she is accepting your "ask" that she start to curtail whatever this is. People tend to respect "spine" (expressed in reasonable but firm ways) unless they are well and truly done in a relationship. Hopefully she will see continue to see reason and let this go.

IF she were to now go behind your back to spend time with this person, that becomes another (though obviously closely related) issue as she is now deceiving you on behalf of her desire to spend time with this "friend". Don't assume that is happening in insecure/paranoid fashion - but IF solid evidence of that comes along - well, you would have to deal with it appropriately, unfortunately.

Edited July 6, 2022 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, Husband 339 said:

She briefly mentioned me getting an Airbnb when I get back and not staying in our apartment

Wait, what? Why? 

I'm sorry, OP, but this woman is inching toward asking for a separation. This is how it starts. You need to be worried here and not wait for her "soften" any further.  Read the major warning signs that your marriage is deep trouble, and act accordingly. It's time for a real come-to-Jebus talk with her. This is no longer just about her new boyfriend. 

[BaileyB]

On 7/6/2022 at 4:58 AM, Husband 339 said:

she isn’t having him over and she’s going out with girlfriends now instead.

I agree with the above, it’s not good for your relationship for your spouse asks you to find somewhere else to sleep.

I would also assume that she did not go out with her girlfriends… not the be cynical, but I think she has gone underground - she may well have been with this man and I would also assume that they are more than likely having sex. 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/6/2022 at 5:58 AM, Husband 339 said:

she brings up the fact that she has, over time, put more effort into our relationship than me. She has done a lot for me and my parents to be fair. I’ve been working hard to rectify this, and I’m just asking that in the meantime she compromise this friendship with the guy a little. 

This seems like a strange negotiation, no? There seems to be a few issues. Ongoing resentment for her "doing more for the relationship" and whatever other issues she's asked you to rectify.

 Then there is this "friend" she is dating. It almost sounds like revenge for a lot of things she resents you for.

Are you away a lot? Has the relationship been coasting along on autopilot? What has she done for you and your family, exactly? Do your parents live with you or is she taking care of them?

[S2B]

She’s planning her future without you - take action accordingly.

[Myabee]

On 7/3/2022 at 5:24 PM, Husband 339 said:

do think that if she cut down on time with him she would have more time/space to concentrate on our relationship. And I think that they have become so close that, even if they aren’t romantic, that bond is leaving less space for ours.

Yes this right here. That bond needs to be cut so she can give fully to your marriage. That will mean her going full NC with him. I think then the two of you have a better chance of figuring if something in the marriage is off kilter. My best to you.😊