Ended 8 yr affair ,are partners simply distraction from home life

[florrymcgoo]

Do you think that if you are an affair partner you could by default 

1  be aiding a person stay in their marriage by providing them with an outlet

 

2  be revving up their married sex by increasing their sex drive 

 

Just 2 thoughts.   Any input appreciated 

 

 

Edited July 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
shorten title

[stillafool]

Absolutely!  It happens often.  The person who is married relieves pressure by having sex with an outsider thus relieving tension at home which puts them in a good mood.   The spouse at home loves that good mood and then they have sex.  So if the wayward spouse is a man; he's getting more sex by having the other woman in his life.  Though wayward spouses will lie to their affair partner that they never have sex with their spouse because if they told the truth that would make the outsider less likely to want to have sex with them.

[BaileyB]

Yes. To both. 

It goes without saying that the affair partner is likely proving thing that are missing from a long term relationship.

And - it goes both ways re: married sex life. Some (usually those who fall head over heals and begin to dream of leaving their spouse for their affair partner) associate their affair partner as their “primary partner” and avoid sex with their spouse, as it feels like a betrayal of their affair partner. But many people on this site have said that the affair increases their interest in sex which in turn, benefits their marriage.  

[florrymcgoo]

26 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Absolutely!  It happens often.  The person who is married relieves pressure by having sex with an outsider thus relieving tension at home which puts them in a good mood.   The spouse at home loves that good mood and then they have sex.  So if the wayward spouse is a man; he's getting more sex by having the other woman in his life.  Though wayward spouses will lie to their affair partner that they never have sex with their spouse because if they told the truth that would make the outsider less likely to want to have sex with them.

Thank you for your reply. It shows that it's absolutely a losing game being an affair partner thus enhancing the married couples sex life and having nothing for yourself as an AP

[florrymcgoo]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Yes. To both. 

It goes without saying that the affair partner is likely proving thing that are missing from a long term relationship.

And - it goes both ways re: married sex life. Some (usually those who fall head over heals and begin to dream of leaving their spouse for their affair partner) associate their affair partner as their “primary partner” and avoid sex with their spouse, as it feels like a betrayal of their affair partner. But many people on this site have said that the affair increases their interest in sex which in turn, benefits their marriage.  

Thank you. How depressing for an affair partner.  As I've been myself I'm afraid to say. Never provided sex, oral or anything but was tempted severally but I always felt I could not trust affair partner as you can't see what happens in their home. 

[glows]

4 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Thank you for your reply. It shows that it's absolutely a losing game being an affair partner thus enhancing the married couples sex life and having nothing for yourself as an AP

Sadly, yes. APs usually get hurt especially if they remain with someone who is unavailable. The married person has other commitments and are unlikely to leave their spouse or disturb the peace at home. Cheaters also lie.

[florrymcgoo]

There is so much we get blindsided by when we become affair partners of married people. We are simply used to make homelife bearable. 

[florrymcgoo]

Hi there. I've just come out of 8yr affair with married person.

My heart is broken but I'm wondering should I view it as "not a loss" but beneficial to me.  Of late I've spent most of my time angry as they are clearly not in love with spouse but yet this spouse is prioritised over me.   I could deal with  it years ago but not anymore. Why should I. I'm glad I've not had sex with them but I still feel bitter. 8 years is a long time wasted. I clearly hope they are miserable,  I know that's mean but I'm just saying what I feel. Thank you.

Edited July 3, 2022 by florrymcgoo

[glows]

You’re heartbroken but sensible so give yourself a pat on the back and never again engage with a married person. Yes, it’s a gain and not a loss to move on. Don’t let eight years be eighteen or twenty eight and so on dedicated to unavailable people.

Try dealing with any personal issues and searching for support locally. This means addressing any health, work, self-esteem issues you have with yourself. We neglect ourselves in toxic relationships. Find out what you’ve been leaving on the back burner for too long.

[florrymcgoo]

1 minute ago, glows said:

You’re heartbroken but sensible so give yourself a pat on the back and never again engage with a married person. Yes, it’s a gain and not a loss to move on. Don’t let eight years be eighteen or twenty eight and so on dedicated to unavailable people.

Try dealing with any personal issues and searching for support locally. This means addressing any health, work, self-esteem issues you have with yourself. We neglect ourselves in toxic relationships. Find out what you’ve been leaving on the back burner for too long.

Thank you Glows.  I'm very heartbroken.   But I'm thinking I'm not leaving much behind. The chemistry was beyond this world. Friend of family. Not had sex. But strong emotional connection on my part.  I've wasted a long time. 

1 minute ago, glows said:

You’re heartbroken but sensible so give yourself a pat on the back and never again engage with a married person. Yes, it’s a gain and not a loss to move on. Don’t let eight years be eighteen or twenty eight and so on dedicated to unavailable people.

Try dealing with any personal issues and searching for support locally. This means addressing any health, work, self-esteem issues you have with yourself. We neglect ourselves in toxic relationships. Find out what you’ve been leaving on the back burner for too long.

T

[glows]

4 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Thank you Glows.  I'm very heartbroken.   But I'm thinking I'm not leaving much behind. The chemistry was beyond this world. Friend of family. Not had sex. But strong emotional connection on my part.  I've wasted a long time. 

Having had my share of relationships in my lifetime I can vouch having incredible chemistry with more than one person. I’d say my cup is full and then some. I say this to reassure you that there will be other partners but you’ll have to want more out of life and not settle for someone who is already taken.

Edited July 3, 2022 by glows

[florrymcgoo]

Thank you sincerely Glows.   Its fairly brutal the ending of these situations.   Not like regular relationship as you can talk to people about a normal break up. Not affairs though unless one is seeking to be ostracised in a community.   Its such a poor decision to get attached to an unavailable person.  Is it ok to get support here post break up

[florrymcgoo]

Thank you to everyone who is replying. I'm only 4 days out.   This is a brilliant helpful community.   These relationships all follow same trajectory.   Affair partner is way down list of priorities.   No benefit to them.  Its such a waste of time. But emptiness after....is that normal?

[stillafool]

At least you were smart enough not to have had sex or you would be even more hurt and find it harder to move on.  Give it time. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Lots of affairs do not at all aid marriages. 

 

[florrymcgoo]

All I know is I'm paying for a poor decision big time. The emptiness I've felt inside has been just brutal

[vla1120]

9 hours ago, florrymcgoo said:

Is it ok to get support here post break up

Absolutely! This is a very good place to get support. Take some time for yourself while practicing good self-care. It may also help you to talk to a professional to sort out your feelings. Eight years is a long time, give yourself the time you need to heal. You deserve someone of your own to share your life, someone who will make you a priority.

[florrymcgoo]

21 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Absolutely! This is a very good place to get support. Take some time for yourself while practicing good self-care. It may also help you to talk to a professional to sort out your feelings. Eight years is a long time, give yourself the time you need to heal. You deserve someone of your own to share your life, someone who will make you a priority.

Thank you so much.  Its day 5. This was a long time coming.   I am so angry to see a spouse being prioritised all the time.  Its part of this game but its one I can't put up with anymore.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, florrymcgoo said:

 I'm glad I've not had sex with them but I still feel bitter. 8 years is a long time wasted.

Sorry this happened. Was it a friendship or emotional affair?

There's no way to verify that someone loves their spouse or not. However it is common to claim "we're just like roommates" or to demonize the spouse in order to provide false hope for the purpose of stringing someone along.

[florrymcgoo]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Was it a friendship or emotional affair?

There's no way to verify that someone loves their spouse or not. However it is common to claim "we're just like roommates" or to demonize the spouse in order to provide false hope for the purpose of stringing someone along.

Thank you. We'll I did go into it so I brought it in.  It was during a very tumultuous time in my life. A very good friend to me.   We have kissed and cuddled,  and admitted we are crazy about each other.   If we were both single werear would be great together.  I can't continue,  I'm too jealous of the spouse.   Never wanted them to leave as i don't want anyone split up because of me but I wanted a stronger friendship and a way of keeping them in my life. Never criticised spouse.  I'm in pieces. They want to be friends, they are woven into my circle.   They have been there for me when no one else has and a very supportive friend. I've no family.   To be honest at start I only wanted their friendship.  I wanted to be family friend not affair partner.   They honestly were the one pushing for more. I'm not lying there. Anyway I'm now trying to fill my life with beneficial productive stuff.   Should have done so from start. I was very foolish.  8 years no sex ....that took strength but I'm emotionally invested. That's worse. I was a fool to immerse myself in this. 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

 It was during a very tumultuous time in my life.   If we were both single werear would be great together. 

Are you married, divorced, in a relationship?

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

It seems like he was a distraction and band-aid for unresolved issues.

Are you still in this tumultuous situation?

[florrymcgoo]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Are you married, divorced, in a relationship?

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

It seems like he was a distraction and band-aid for unresolved issues.

Are you still in this tumultuous situation?

Hi Wiseman, I'd rather not say anymore at this point but I do appreciate your kind input. I'm not relaxed online giving too many details.   Tumultuous situation ongoing, no family support, that's my issue .  That's what led to vulnerability and me getting too attached.  No I am not married and no I have not or would not sleep with a married person, no disrespect to anyone who does, I'm actually wondering could I be in any more pain anyway if I had taken the step.  It's a hellride for just wanting someone so much.  Yes there is huge guilt. Yes I was wrong. Believe me when I say no one is as rough on me as I am.  I just need to be able to vent and I'm very glad of this site.  At end of the day being involved with attached person is the worst idea  many thanks 

[glows]

Yes, it’s a bad idea being involved with a married person and you can vent as much as you need to. Be wary of venting as it can also lead to deep ruts and ruminating so snap out of this when you feel ready and be bold and daring. Move on with your life with confidence knowing you are putting this behind you. 

You did mention that this person has “woven” into your life and other friendships. Slowly extricate and distance yourself. You’re reorganizing things in your life so it’s healthy to turn to better support systems. Focus on work, volunteer if you’d like to be more active in the community, be more present in your other friendships. This person was no friend to you. Do not be afraid to move on without that person.

[florrymcgoo]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Yes, it’s a bad idea being involved with a married person and you can vent as much as you need to. Be wary of venting as it can also lead to deep ruts and ruminating so snap out of this when you feel ready and be bold and daring. Move on with your life with confidence knowing you are putting this behind you. 

You did mention that this person has “woven” into your life and other friendships. Slowly extricate and distance yourself. You’re reorganizing things in your life so it’s healthy to turn to better support systems. Focus on work, volunteer if you’d like to be more active in the community, be more present in your other friendships. This person was no friend to you. Do not be afraid to move on without that person.

Thank you for non judgement.   Unfortunately they are in my immediate circle so that makes it difficult but I'm done. I'm so hurt and so angry at myself.  I Ignored too much. Was just glad to have someone. Bad idea.  Any positive feedback is very much welcome. Blessings to you 

[glows]

11 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Thank you for non judgement.   Unfortunately they are in my immediate circle so that makes it difficult but I'm done. I'm so hurt and so angry at myself.  I Ignored too much. Was just glad to have someone. Bad idea.  Any positive feedback is very much welcome. Blessings to you 

Don’t hold onto the hurt and anger or nurse it too long. Otherwise it’s as if this person never left. Let go of that and find more confidence in yourself with time. You move on by living a full life without anger and resentment from the past. That person has no control over your life anymore.