Ended 8 yr affair ,are partners simply distraction from home life

[florrymcgoo]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Don’t hold onto the hurt and anger or nurse it too long. Otherwise it’s as if this person never left. Let go of that and find more confidence in yourself with time. You move on by living a full life without anger and resentment from the past. That person has no control over your life anymore.

Thank you. Yes its Day 5 after 8 years, I'm hoping I'll be able move through these phases in a healthy way.its all about reinvestment in other areas I guess?  To make up for gap left

[florrymcgoo]

Thanks to everyone.   I'm finding that I'm seeing this person differently now....is that normal?  Is anger normal?  I mean indifference is the preferred destination?

[glows]

14 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Thank you. Yes its Day 5 after 8 years, I'm hoping I'll be able move through these phases in a healthy way.its all about reinvestment in other areas I guess?  To make up for gap left

Yes, replace the void that the person left with more worthy causes. It takes time to rebuild. If you hadn’t before it may feel completely new but most people have cultivated interests and hobbies long before any relationship. It’s still new anyway because you maybe changed as a person which does bring me to your next question. 

 

14 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Thanks to everyone.   I'm finding that I'm seeing this person differently now....is that normal?  Is anger normal?  I mean indifference is the preferred destination?

Do you mean this person has less significance to you? Yes, it’s normal if that’s the case. Anger is common also and part of the grieving process and letting go. The important part is sticking to your personal goals and living your life well. Use your energies productively, not destructively. Take care of your health, mental and physical. Eventually the anger will dissolve and you’ll be too busy enjoying your new life.

[florrymcgoo]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, replace the void that the person left with more worthy causes. It takes time to rebuild. If you hadn’t before it may feel completely new but most people have cultivated interests and hobbies long before any relationship. It’s still new anyway because you maybe changed as a person which does bring me to your next question. 

 

Do you mean this person has less significance to you? Yes, it’s normal if that’s the case. Anger is common also and part of the grieving process and letting go. The important part is sticking to your personal goals and living your life well. Use your energies productively, not destructively. Take care of your health, mental and physical. Eventually the anger will dissolve and you’ll be too busy enjoying your new life.

Im wondering was our 8 years a farce. We're they just hoping to eventually get sex.  It didn't feel that way. Obviously this should not matter to me but human beings I feel like to know that they were not just something that can be thrown away  ...that's normal to want isn't it?  I see that they never gave me enough and I gave too much of myself.   That hurts. Feel very foolish. I bet they are not hurting like me. I have so many pressures in my life and they could see that.   I find them sneaky and cowards. Do they even care I'm hurting. Right now I want to do really well in my life and concentrate on what I've neglected.  Feel very angry. But was crying few days ago. I felt I had to throw away someone who could well love me. Now I see it as not love. Just maybe being used. How can I know if they felt real feelings. I think if I thought they did that would make this easier. Now I just feel stupid. 

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, florrymcgoo said:

Thanks to everyone.   I'm finding that I'm seeing this person differently now....is that normal?  Is anger normal?  I mean indifference is the preferred destination?

Of course there should be a phase of anger somewhere between the heartbroken and indifferent phases.

In my perception the OW is never treated properly. Because she has to always come in second to the wife and family. She always needs to be squeezed into an overly tight schedule, is usually unable to initiate communication with MM when she needs it, has to disappear as soon as the wife appears, and is generally living off crumbs of love and attention, short of starved but never satisfied. Even if the MM is doing his best to be kind and loving and generous and respectful, the sheer position of an OW brings this kind of humiliating treatment.

Anger is your system digesting the fact that you were mistreated. It's a way to set yourself free.

 

(one thing that bothers me is that 'my' xOW didn't get angry when I felt too conflicted and ended things. she was like "it's OK, this was going to happen". I wish she'd gotten mad with me because then I would have known more sure that it was over. now there's always that little thought of a door that may be open)

Edited July 4, 2022 by Will am I

[florrymcgoo]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

Of course there should be a phase of anger somewhere between the heartbroken and indifferent phases.

In my perception the OW is never treated properly. Because she has to always come in second to the wife and family. She always needs to be squeezed into an overly tight schedule, is usually unable to initiate communication with MM when she needs it, has to disappear as soon as the wife appears, and is generally living off crumbs of love and attention, short of starved but never satisfied. Even if the MM is doing his best to be kind and loving and generous and respectful, the sheer position of an OW brings this kind of humiliating treatment.

Anger is your system digesting the fact that you were mistreated. It's a way to set yourself free.

 

(one thing that bothers me is that 'my' xOW didn't get angry when I felt too conflicted and ended things. she was like "it's OK, this was going to happen". I wish she'd gotten mad with me because then I would have known more sure that it was over. now there's always that little thought of a door that may be open)

Hi there. Thank you so much for your time. Sounds like you have gone through alot too.   I think now that you are out please stay out for you. If she's married it's all about keeping the spouse happy.  Did you end it because you began to tire of what you are describing above "humiliation"?  Sounds like we were in same boat. We know we were interlopers but the sickening bit is our affair partners are only keeping nose clean by prioritising the spouse in my opinion. They don't really want the spouse, they want the security of them but I think the love is gone, its just security they hanging onto with kids and property and ensuring they have someone to take care of them. It's hard break all that up for an affair partner no matter how bad the marriage is,unless they are being physically beaten at home they won't take a chance. I get that. But it's a pity they go looking for outlets outside and bring us such heart ache. Of course we knew what we at. I'm hurting like crazy.  So humiliated.

[florrymcgoo]

Gosh I'm so angry guys. This person was in my life daily for 8 years. Of course I was tolerating all the restrictions of our relationship because this person was married. I got fed up of it. Right now I'm thinking I'm not worth fighting for by them. That feels very very bad. My self esteem is trampled on. I naively thought we were good friends .  This person was there for me through so much over the years.   Its tough guys. All my own fault. Anyone relate

[Will am I]

7 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Hi there. Thank you so much for your time. Sounds like you have gone through alot too.   I think now that you are out please stay out for you. If she's married it's all about keeping the spouse happy. 

No, I was on the other side. I was the married man with an other woman on the side in an emotional affair. She was not married.

7 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Did you end it because you began to tire of what you are describing above "humiliation"? 

I ended things because my behaviour didn't fit my moral standards, I felt more and more conclicted.

When in the affair, I gave it my best shot to be kind, loving, respectful to the OW. She was never there for my enjoyment only, she was an absolutely lovely person deserving of the best treatment I could give her. And she enjoyed the way I was treating her.

Comparing our situation to some of the other stories I read around here, I think there are two types of MM. One has real feelings for OW, the other is structurally playing the field because he refuses to commit to monogamy. I would count myself in group 1, among the "good guys".

But after the affair I started to doubt my "good intentions" more and more. As much as you can try to be nice to your affair partner, you can never give them what they reasonably expect in the relationship. They'll always get crumbs instead of meals. So the best possible treatment is still sub par.

7 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

... but the sickening bit is our affair partners are only keeping nose clean by prioritising the spouse in my opinion. They don't really want the spouse, they want the security of them but I think the love is gone, its just security they hanging onto with kids and property and ensuring they have someone to take care of them. It's hard break all that up for an affair partner no matter how bad the marriage is,unless they are being physically beaten at home they won't take a chance. I get that. But it's a pity they go looking for outlets outside and bring us such heart ache.

I want to add my cheating husband perspective. Hopefully this broadens your view and makes your experience just a tiny bit less painful.

My reason for getting into the affair was that I was feeling genuinely unhappy in my marriage. I felt rejected and lonely foremost. This led me to open my heart and increase my presence on websites where I would converse with people. No dating websites, think in the realm of interests and hobbies. Friendly talk, nothing malicious. It was there that I met a young woman, we hit it off on the friendly level, she approached me on the romantic level, I didn't resist, and soon after we were on an erotic level too. I used to tell myself how she started it. But that guilt was equally on me. I was taken a bit off guard when she first hit on me romantically (which I hadn't expected because of a large age difference). But when she did, I never resisted but actively encouraged.

Now where does this leave my wife in the love triangle? You write "don't really want their spouse". It's not so simple. What I would have wanted more than anything is a better marriage. So yes, I really did want my wife. But I was lonely and because of my age (mid 40s) I start to oversee see the arc of life more and more, and I got desperate with the idea that the loneliness might be for life, and there was some resentment too which made it easier to justify what I got into.

When it comes to prioritising the spouse in a triangle, probably we all do that. We'll do anything to keep her from finding out about the affair (and risk the divorce if she does find out). 

 

After the affair I have chosen to set my priorities straight and work from defined goals instead of going with the flow of my emotions. 

My top objective is to improve the marriage into something where I'd want to stay for the rest of my life. If that doesn't work out, my second choice is to initiate a divorce. Going back to our old ways and face lifelong loneliness inside the marriage comes in third. We're working on the marriage, making some progress, but I'm not sure if we will ultimately make it. I am also learning more about what it is like to go through divorce and preparing my mental readiness. In my plans there is no room for another affair.

 

7 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Of course we knew what we at. I'm hurting like crazy.  So humiliated.

You should talk to his wife. She'd probably use the same words.

 

[florrymcgoo]

4 minutes ago, Will am I said:

No, I was on the other side. I was the married man with an other woman on the side in an emotional affair. She was not married.

I ended things because my behaviour didn't fit my moral standards, I felt more and more conclicted.

When in the affair, I gave it my best shot to be kind, loving, respectful to the OW. She was never there for my enjoyment only, she was an absolutely lovely person deserving of the best treatment I could give her. And she enjoyed the way I was treating her.

Comparing our situation to some of the other stories I read around here, I think there are two types of MM. One has real feelings for OW, the other is structurally playing the field because he refuses to commit to monogamy. I would count myself in group 1, among the "good guys".

But after the affair I started to doubt my "good intentions" more and more. As much as you can try to be nice to your affair partner, you can never give them what they reasonably expect in the relationship. They'll always get crumbs instead of meals. So the best possible treatment is still sub par.

I want to add my cheating husband perspective. Hopefully this broadens your view and makes your experience just a tiny bit less painful.

My reason for getting into the affair was that I was feeling genuinely unhappy in my marriage. I felt rejected and lonely foremost. This led me to open my heart and increase my presence on websites where I would converse with people. No dating websites, think in the realm of interests and hobbies. Friendly talk, nothing malicious. It was there that I met a young woman, we hit it off on the friendly level, she approached me on the romantic level, I didn't resist, and soon after we were on an erotic level too. I used to tell myself how she started it. But that guilt was equally on me. I was taken a bit off guard when she first hit on me romantically (which I hadn't expected because of a large age difference). But when she did, I never resisted but actively encouraged.

Now where does this leave my wife in the love triangle? You write "don't really want their spouse". It's not so simple. What I would have wanted more than anything is a better marriage. So yes, I really did want my wife. But I was lonely and because of my age (mid 40s) I start to oversee see the arc of life more and more, and I got desperate with the idea that the loneliness might be for life, and there was some resentment too which made it easier to justify what I got into.

When it comes to prioritising the spouse in a triangle, probably we all do that. We'll do anything to keep her from finding out about the affair (and risk the divorce if she does find out). 

 

After the affair I have chosen to set my priorities straight and work from defined goals instead of going with the flow of my emotions. 

My top objective is to improve the marriage into something where I'd want to stay for the rest of my life. If that doesn't work out, my second choice is to initiate a divorce. Going back to our old ways and face lifelong loneliness inside the marriage comes in third. We're working on the marriage, making some progress, but I'm not sure if we will ultimately make it. I am also learning more about what it is like to go through divorce and preparing my mental readiness. In my plans there is no room for another affair.

 

You should talk to his wife. She'd probably use the same words.

 

Hi will   thank you so so much for your perspective.    I'm sorry I picked your situation up wrong.     It's interesting to hear from the mm perspective.   I was affair partner of mm for 8 years. Ended it 5 days ago. He's in my circle.   We never had sex but we have touched and kissed and cuddled and he says he has very strong feelings for me. We have been in each others lives a long time. The chemistry between us was always amazing.   I fell for him during a time in my life when I faced tremendous loss. I never wanted him to leave his wife or family. I wanted him as a close friend and to have a way to have him in my life safely.   However he was always keen not to mix me with wife.   That really really has me upset because Will I never wanted an affair with him.   He never gave impression of leaving wife.  He has 3 adult kids late 20s and he is basically best friends with them and Says he'd crack up without them as he couldn't face life looking at wife at home for rest of life .  That they are his company.  However I can't be happy being down list of priorities for him. He told me he has feelings and if im not providing sex....surely he must have liked me besides?  I know I know....Im just trying to turn off humiliation.  But you have made me feel better. Getting your perspective.   As for wife being humiliated....I'm sorry I was very wrong but im complicit yes but it was his responsibility to not get into this. I didn't force him. Respectfully.  Oh I'm so fed up. Feel like a  used dish cloth

[florrymcgoo]

33 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Hi will   thank you so so much for your perspective.    I'm sorry I picked your situation up wrong.     It's interesting to hear from the mm perspective.   I was affair partner of mm for 8 years. Ended it 5 days ago. He's in my circle.   We never had sex but we have touched and kissed and cuddled and he says he has very strong feelings for me. We have been in each others lives a long time. The chemistry between us was always amazing.   I fell for him during a time in my life when I faced tremendous loss. I never wanted him to leave his wife or family. I wanted him as a close friend and to have a way to have him in my life safely.   However he was always keen not to mix me with wife.   That really really has me upset because Will I never wanted an affair with him.   He never gave impression of leaving wife.  He has 3 adult kids late 20s and he is basically best friends with them and Says he'd crack up without them as he couldn't face life looking at wife at home for rest of life .  That they are his company.  However I can't be happy being down list of priorities for him. He told me he has feelings and if im not providing sex....surely he must have liked me besides?  I know I know....Im just trying to turn off humiliation.  But you have made me feel better. Getting your perspective.   As for wife being humiliated....I'm sorry I was very wrong but im complicit yes but it was his responsibility to not get into this. I didn't force him. Respectfully.  Oh I'm so fed up. Feel like a  used dish cloth

So Will am.......you are helping me. Im fairly certain my x affair partner is also not serial philanderer.    Will am........if I knew he got into it because like you, was lonely in his marriage I would feel so much better. If I knew he wanted a better marriage with her but also had feelings for me.  We used to talk for hours. I used to tell him that we needed to cool things and I told him I would prefer if he concentrated in his marriage and had me as a friend of them both.  I wanted that because I did not want to be a side piece but I was very taken with him and I saw it as a way to be safely in his life.   I really really liked him Will am. Please hear me. I knew he was married and I often in fact treated them both to hotel stays for both to go off together as gifts from me to thank him for supporting me over years.   Can you hear this?  It was he who pushed for affection and used to pull me close for cuddles.  This is not a case of Me saying I'm innocent.   I'm not. But he wanted the intimacy and that's what made it a screwed up situation.  Why did he do this

[Will am I]

I think his feelings for you were probably very real.

I imagine being in a time of loss and hurt, maybe having difficulty to share emotions with the wife, maybe different coping strategies and different styles of grieving, and a friend opens herself to you and gives a close friendship, an emotional connection and adds some romantic feelings into the mix… how much more “real” should the feelings be? I totally trust the part where he says he had real feelings.

I bet he truly appreciated you too as a friend and as a person. So I think you can let some of the humiliation go. This story does not read like you have been used by a player with bad intentions.

There’s only two problems. 

1. he was never going to give up a 20 or 30 year marriage to be with a female friend, the connection to his wife was stronger (despite their problems). This meant that the space for you was always limited.

2. you spent 8 long years with your heart and soul in this affair. Taking away your motivation and opportunity to pursue a romantic relationship with another partner and better perspectives. The result is that you are now 8 years older and without a love partner. There may be resent in that.

The “8 years wasted” could be a big thing, depending in your age and life goals. Apart from that I see room for a more positive view on the situation. Your relationship wasn’t a good idea but I think it was meaningful nevertheless.

[florrymcgoo]

He has been with me every day for 8 years.  On phone hours at a time.  I pulled the plug because I wanted to be a family friend not a side piece and I could not see this transpiring.   Yet he wanted me all to himself and all the restrictions that imposed on me. When if he liked me enough he'd pull back on wanting intimacy I feel.     

[Will am I]

Were you in love with him?

 

Writing this because I think he was in love with you, and realized that he could not have that part of the relationship if he’d keep you in the “shared circle” with his wife and himself.

Edited July 4, 2022 by Will am I

[florrymcgoo]

12 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Were you in love with him?

 

Writing this because I think he was in love with you, and realized that he could not have that part of the relationship if he’d keep you in the “shared circle” with his wife and himself.

Gosh will am......I don't know was he in love. He told me he had " very strong feelings" and wakes every night wanting to be beside me.   But they are words will am. How do I know. He never used "love".  I'd say I'm "very fond/care" about.   He said it would " feel uncomfortable "to be in same shared circle, that he'd " want more" and that was uncomfortable for him.    O I would have lavished him with attention and affection. I could have kept him as a friend but he'd have to transition me into the shared circle.  He got very annoyed a few nights ago. He got very aroused when we were Cuddling and wanted more.  He started to beg me ........and we ended up in a row and I've been upset since. And he has said this part has been excruciating for him. I don't know what to make of I but I know I feel very used.   Coz that's never what I sought. 

[florrymcgoo]

Thanks will am for everything.   It helps to know my affection was not squandered that mm can have real feelings. In my case it was never about having him. I wanted a proper friendship.  And if it was like that from the start I would not be here

[Will am I]

If you don’t find the “8 years wasted” thing a big deal, then you don’t need to feel all bad about the affair. 

I wouldn’t say you have been used or abused, the thing sounds like an authentic relationship to me. Although it existed in a space which should probably not have been there. 

 

[florrymcgoo]

3 minutes ago, Will am I said:

If you don’t find the “8 years wasted” thing a big deal, then you don’t need to feel all bad about the affair. 

I wouldn’t say you have been used or abused, the thing sounds like an authentic relationship to me. Although it existed in a space which should probably not have been there. 

 

Thank you.  Ah it wasn't 8 years of hell but I do like him very much and I do wish we were friends not this.   It was wasted in that it distracted me a bit. But I don't regret it. I was and am mad about him. I'm just sorry its so painful now

[florrymcgoo]

Thanks to will am for being balanced and fair. You sound such a good person. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, florrymcgoo said:

Thanks will am for everything.   It helps to know my affection was not squandered that mm can have real feelings. In my case it was never about having him. I wanted a proper friendship.  And if it was like that from the start I would not be here

I don't understand something, were you ever friends with him and his wife?  With married people the way to have a PROPER friendship with the opposite sex spouse is to befriend both spouses to ensure boundaries and prevent jealousy in their marriage.  Were you also friends with his wife at some point?

[florrymcgoo]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand something, were you ever friends with him and his wife?  With married people the way to have a PROPER friendship with the opposite sex spouse is to befriend both spouses to ensure boundaries and prevent jealousy in their marriage.  Were you also friends with his wife at some point?

Hi Stillafool. No never friends with both but have been to occasions with. That is what I wanted a proper friendship with both.  As yes I know that's the proper way to be friends with  married person ie to be friends with them as a couple. That's what I wanted. I'd have dealt with that.   But he never encouraged that. The latest fight was because I wanted to stop the inappropriate relationship and move it to hanging with both and have no secret friendship.   He doesn't want that. 

[Amethyst68]

12 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Hi Stillafool. No never friends with both but have been to occasions with. That is what I wanted a proper friendship with both.  As yes I know that's the proper way to be friends with  married person ie to be friends with them as a couple. That's what I wanted. I'd have dealt with that.   But he never encouraged that. The latest fight was because I wanted to stop the inappropriate relationship and move it to hanging with both and have no secret friendship.   He doesn't want that. 

Surely you can see how inappropriate this would be. You've been cheating with this woman's husband for 8 years and now you want to be friends and hang out with her, with them as a couple. That's a severe lack of respect and common decency 😯

[florrymcgoo]

10 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Surely you can see how inappropriate this would be. You've been cheating with this woman's husband for 8 years and now you want to be friends and hang out with her, with them as a couple. That's a severe lack of respect and common decency 😯

Thanks for your opinion.   Yes I agree it would be bad if we were having sex!! But nothing like that has happened.   Maybe I'm very messed up. Apologies if I've offended  

[florrymcgoo]

Just now, florrymcgoo said:

Thanks for your opinion.   Yes I agree it would be bad if we were having sex!! But nothing like that has happened.   Maybe I'm very messed up. Apologies if I've offended  

In my opinion there is a vast difference between  having sex and kissing and Cuddling.   Big difference.   Nowadays there's all new fangled ways of labelling situations I find that attach shame to normal displays of affection .    Just my humble opinion.  Not saying I'm right.

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, florrymcgoo said:

 it's absolutely a losing game being an affair partner thus enhancing the married couples sex life and having nothing for yourself as an AP

I suspect that in many cases this is true to at least some extent. There are some important "howevers" though:

- This was a consenting relationship in the sense that you knew what you were doing throughout. You were getting something out of all this. Emotional connection? Attention to a limited extent? Something...

- You could theoretically have ended it at any time and sought single men. You chose not to take this option for some reason.

- Some married AP's do leave their spouses; however you seem to be both claiming you never wanted that AND complaining "now you have nothing".

- Non-affair relationships end all the time and leave people feeling unhappy/depressed/"now I have nothing" as well.

After a breakup, a person in a non-affair/"full" relationship could complain that "they were just enhancing their partners life" yet discarded in the end just as easily.

Respectfully, your situation reminds me a bit of a person who takes an entry level job, finds it is (openly) a dead end with no promotion prospects, continues anyhow - not looking for a job with better prospects, more pay etc, and then, after years of it, complains about wasted time.

What doesn't add up is that you never did anything about it - either push him to choose you or end things with him yourself. Perhaps you're just reaching this point now. Ok - but it seems IMO odd to be complaining about it. That person in the dead end job DID get their regular paycheck to live on. The money deposited into their bank account, though perhaps not overly generous, was quite real. And you too seem to have "lived on" (emotionally) whatever it was you were getting out of the affair. You chose to simply "make do" and not seek more or look elsewhere. Yet now you are complaining how things have turned out.

Edited July 4, 2022 by mark clemson

[Amethyst68]

8 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

In my opinion there is a vast difference between  having sex and kissing and Cuddling.   Big difference.   Nowadays there's all new fangled ways of labelling situations I find that attach shame to normal displays of affection .    Just my humble opinion.  Not saying I'm right.

I doubt his wife would feel the same!