Ended 8 yr affair ,are partners simply distraction from home life

[vla1120]

Also, this is why I say self-care is so very important. The better care you take of yourself, the more you will realize that you deserve MORE than the crumbs that have been thrown to you for eight years. You deserve better than this, most definitely. 

[Will am I]

20 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Oh Will am. You make me cry with your kindness.

Well I've not talked anyone up here who does not sound completely admirable in the way they handled their situation. 

It would probably be more admirable if we never got into these situations

I don’t consider myself a bad person, not a particularly good one either. I’m altruistic by nature but I’ve surprised myself how easy it was to direct my tender feelings at someone else and justify that for myself, at least temporarily. So while my intentions are generally good, my moral compass is rather flexible. Does that make a good or a bad person?

It wasn’t until I found myself plotting for evil that I started to feel conflicted about my EA. Plotting for evil in my case meant I was starting to look around for for business opportunities in her area to justify my travel, or how to use my network and land xOW a job closer to my area. Then it dawned upon me that it was going to go out of control unless I changed my course of action.

20 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

I would forget guilt for you Will am. 1 month is a blip.   Gosh I wish that's the duration I was in. 

I think you may be projecting.

I think most of your story is blameless, your biggest guilt factor was how long you stayed in the affair.

My biggest guilt factor wasn’t the duration. It was the fact that I was getting it on with a woman who’s much younger than me. Legal, but inappropriate, even if we step over the fact that I’m married. Mid 40s vs first half 20s. If I would have taken things to the next level, dating her would have been embarrassing for the waiting staff.

20 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Thank you for your kind words.  Without cancelling out my bad deed, I'm trying to see my good points. You don't know how many times I could have been very intimate with him but I wouldn't. Believe it or not he was still a married man so anything heavy physically was out of the question.  We often snogged and he was frustrated and pushing but I stopped it. I'm no Saint. 

I think that is very commendable. Most women would not have been able to keep this line intact.

20 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Sounds like you made a tough decision at the right time ending it. What a host of pain you have avoided.

My moral compass didn’t work very well but luckily one alarm light started flickering just in time.

20 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

For me the 8 years was because of business,  he's a neighbour next street. 

Him and I grew up in same neighbourhood but I was away 25yrs. He married from 50km away. She mixes with no one so I don't see her.  

 Anyway that's my story. 

You go back such a long time. 

20 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Do you think I should tell him I accept my part and stop throwing blame at him?

Yes. But not before you are in a stable and balanced state. 
I think you’re ready when you are able to have a calm conversation about the matter, in which you can put the guilt where it is due, apologize for your part, blame and forgive for his part.

 

[Vivalavi]

I'm really thankful for your post. Reading it gives more sense to my own nonsense. 

I'm a marriage woman that had an affair with married man. He ended it for 3-4 x time back in May due to feeling bad. 

As many previously said - there is no or very little benefit for an AP or to a person that is more emotionally invested. 

There is lots of pain especially if you treat your AP as a boyfriend or want to be treated like in a regular relationship. I put him on a pedestal while I was low on his priority list. And still - I keep breaking my own heart because I was not able to fully let go. We still talk every day. 

Some mentioned that by excitement in A, sex life in marriage can get better. Not in mine. I don't really want my H to touch me. But I haven't for years. 

Affairs are complicated and most likely not worth it. Unless you enjoy pain. Lots of pain. 

[Amethyst68]

19 hours ago, Will am I said:

I think most of your story is blameless, your biggest guilt factor was how long you stayed in the affair.

I'm sorry but I have to disagree,  this was an 8 year EA with some physical acts. The fact the OP didn't have sex does not make this affair any less. 

That's 8 years of making conscious decisions to continue her own actions. 

OP,  while not getting in a blame spiral is good don't downplay your side of the affair. You have to own your actions in life in order to grow

[florrymcgoo]

31 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

I'm sorry but I have to disagree,  this was an 8 year EA with some physical acts. The fact the OP didn't have sex does not make this affair any less. 

That's 8 years of making conscious decisions to continue her own actions. 

OP,  while not getting in a blame spiral is good don't downplay your side of the affair. You have to own your actions in life in order to grow

Thank you. I'm just back from my therapist.  I know what I've done. Believe me.  Yes I done it time and time again. I thought it was something more than being used by a mm.    I was a bad person I know it and I accept it.   I'm just finding it hard to stay afloat today but I deserve every thing I get

[Lauraimback]

Hi

Longtime lurker. Female. Had an inappropriate EA and friendship with my boss.   Never slept together,  affection and great friends. I want more. He professed love for me. I feel so stupid and washed up. I thought he had real feelings. Please help me get through this.   I cannot quit my job, I'm a manager under him. I'm in a tiny town. I've a disabled child. My family need me working. Please give me coping methods. Just basics. I know what I've done is wrong.  I was so alone and he was there. Please give me some tips. 

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

I cannot quit my job, I'm a manager under him. I'm in a tiny town. I've a disabled child. My family need me working. Please give me coping methods. Just basics.

Go to therapy for help.

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I would avoid him as much as possible. When you must communicate, be brief and polite and talk only with other people present - whenever possible. 

Find a counsellor if possible.

Otherwise, it really comes back to self care - exercise, sleep well, do some things that bring you joy, take stock of the things that are not working in your life and think about making some changes (that’s where counselling is important). 

Best wishes.

[vla1120]

I agree with the therapy suggestion. Also, keep your game face on at work - all business only. No personal info/discussions at all. Throw your time and energy into taking care of your family/child. It will hurt for awhile, but understand that you crossed boundaries and willingly take responsibility for your part. Those realizations will help you step out of the fog and move forward. Also, zero contact outside of work moving forward.

It's a shame you live in a tiny town because the best thing you could do is get away from him in the workplace.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

It's a shame you live in a tiny town because the best thing you could do is get away from him in the workplace.

Agree.

Also the reason why it was a bad idea to cross boundaries with your boss - small town gossip is nasty and there is nowhere to go when it goes south. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

my boss. I cannot quit my job, I'm a manager under him. I've a disabled child. My family need me working. 

Are you married as well? If you turned to him for comfort during your own marital problems, you  could address that.

Who takes care of your child when you work? Do you have help with that? 

What do you mean by "rejected you"? Would leave his wife? Won't become physical?

[Lauraimback]

30 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Go to therapy for help.

I have booked some but it's not available for a month 

[Lauraimback]

27 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I would avoid him as much as possible. When you must communicate, be brief and polite and talk only with other people present - whenever possible. 

Find a counsellor if possible.

Otherwise, it really comes back to self care - exercise, sleep well, do some things that bring you joy, take stock of the things that are not working in your life and think about making some changes (that’s where counselling is important). 

Best wishes.

Thank you.  I'm distraught. Iv no one to turn  to.   I'm exercising myself to exhaustion 

[Lauraimback]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you married as well? If you turned to him for comfort during your own marital problems, you  could address that.

Who takes care of your child when you work? Do you have help with that? 

What do you mean by "rejected you"? Would leave his wife? Won't become physical?

I am married. My husband would not take this well and all hell would break loose. Telling him is not an option. If this happens my life and this man's life will be blown apart. My boss has a disabled person at home also  we bonded. My husband although a good father and good man is not appreciative of me. There's no physical relationship between us.  Not for 8 years.   I was lonely under all the stress of everything and we connected me and my boss. He is very good to me. My life at work works.  My husband is a good man . Just does not show love my way. Also he's out of work with alot of ailments and I have had to carry work for ages.  I'm in a tiny town where my child is cared for well with proper supports and I've family there. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

I My husband although a good father and good man is not appreciative of me. There's no physical relationship between us.  Not for 8 years.   I was lonely under all the stress of everything and we connected me and my boss.  Also he's out of work with alot of ailments and I have had to carry work for ages.

Sorry this happened. You don't have to tell your husband. The affair is over so just heal and try to focus on why your marriage is difficult. How old is your husband? Is he a stay at home father? Does he get disability income? Do his medical problems prevent intimacy? Is there love or affection?

[Lauraimback]

I am strong person. I've coped with adversity. I just got very jealous of my ap wife and the fact we can't have a relationship outside of work.   Where I have to say he treats me so well.   All is good at work.  He says he "cares" for me and there is huge physical attraction.   He does not want to sleep with me but we have engaged in physical and can talk for hours. It's good if I could accept it. But we engaged in sexual play over the years of the light variety and I feel he owes me more time and attention.  Obviously I won't get this.  And he says "let's be good friends nothing will change just no physical ".....so.....clearly he does not care.   I thought we were good friends  I feel so rejected. I am going through motions. I've no care duties at the moment and I'm holding it together. I want to put all this behind me. And just put it down to poor decision and move on.   That's what I need. I just need the strength to do this.   I feel closer to my husband this evening even.   I feel I can do this and come good with support. I am not shabby with morals. If I was free I would leave job. Not an option for me.  Too many impacted.  

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

And he says "let's be good friends nothing will change just no physical ".....so.....clearly he does not care.

I wouldn’t look at it as whether he cared or not. That is the kind of emotional reasoning and leads you down the path toward despair and depression…

He is committed to another woman and thus, not able to give you what you want. If anything, you are in the wrong for thinking that it could/should be more. He has kept (at least) that boundary - what is confusing and difficult for you is that he has crossed other boundaries.

I hate to say it - typical MM, happy to have long, intimate discussions with you and enjoy a little “physical affection” outside his marriage… but, at the end of the day, he’s not prepared to give up his marriage/family or harm his career/personal and professional reputation. 

if anything you should be thankful, at least he was honest with you about his boundaries. You can now use that information to make a different decision for yourself. 

Take care.

Edited July 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lauraimback]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You don't have to tell your husband. The affair is over so just heal and try to focus on why your marriage is difficult. How old is your husband? Is he a stay at home father? Does he get disability income? Do his medical problems prevent intimacy? Is there love or affection?

Thank you Wiseman2.   I can't tell my husband.  I could not imagine,  he is not able to have sex I rather not say anymore.    There is love, respect (believe me I feel terrible) but yes the marriage can survive as no "bad" stuff in it but my boss is everything I could want in a man.  He's always consoling me.  Swapping ideas about our home situation regarding caring.  He's incredibly supportive.   He has apologised to me and said he is sorry we went physical and that I got hurt. And his excuse is his feelings took over and the chemistry overpowered us both.   I do believe he cares . Just why did he have to go further from affection....I've lost trust

[Lauraimback]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

I wouldn’t look at it as whether he cared or not.

He is committed to another woman and this, not able to give you what you want. If anything, you are in the wrong for thinking that it could/should be more. He has kept (at least) that boundary - what is confusing and difficult for you is that he has crossed other boundaries.

I hate to say it - typical MM, happy to have long, intimate discussions with you and enjoy a little “physical affection” outside his marriage… but, at the end of the day, he’s not prepared to give up his marriage/family or harm his career/personal and professional reputation. 

if anything you should be thankful, at least he was honest with you about his boundaries. You can now use that information to make a different decision for yourself. 

Take care.

He meant he's prepared to drop the physical.   As I want more of his time if he is to have benefit of affection from me.   And he said we can't spend more time or people will notice and he does not want that for me either.   I know I'm wrong. How have I been so desperate.    I'm so ashamed of myself .  And feel so rejected.   I just enjoy him very much and feel like he's a good friend.  Now I feel used and abused. Like I'm no good for anything.  That he has a perfect life and I'm a loser.   I need to turn this around. I can't keep thinking like this for myself or my family.  I need to be there for them.

[Lauraimback]

I've too many people depending on me .  I feel so lonely and feel my boss has so much support and money and everything.  He has a wife. Why involve me. 

He hid nothing or promised me nothing  so I guess it's my tough.   

 

[notbroken]

Are you sure you can't find another job?  Is that really the only job in town? Regardless, respect the man's wishes and boundaries.   Sounds like you could blow up quite a few people's lives if you continue or push this.   It may already be too late for that.  As bad as it hurts, you are lucky it didn't go even further.   Counseling could certainly help.  If you don't like the therapist get another one asap.    Does it make sense to divorce?   Doesn't sound like you love your husband.  You don't owe him a lifetime in a dead marriage.   Yes, it would be hard but divorce always is.   Maybe you should move on.  Own your mistakes but forgive yourself.   Don't cheat again in the future.  Period.   It is just too hard on everyone - including you.   Live life in the light and it will be better.  

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

I have booked some but it's not available for a month 

I think you can also look into online sessions which might be more conveinient since you have a child.

[Lauraimback]

Can someone tell me the best approach with him.   To maintain some dignity?,  he told me today as I roared crying that he is sorry but that I've got to put it behind me that he has done wrong too and that he is sorry. I just want to go in and do my job and leave. But I'm full of anger at him.   This has to be contained. I need the anger to quell

[Lauraimback]

2 minutes ago, notbroken said:

Are you sure you can't find another job?  Is that really the only job in town? Regardless, respect the man's wishes and boundaries.   Sounds like you could blow up quite a few people's lives if you continue or push this.   It may already be too late for that.  As bad as it hurts, you are lucky it didn't go even further.   Counseling could certainly help.  If you don't like the therapist get another one asap.    Does it make sense to divorce?   Doesn't sound like you love your husband.  You don't owe him a lifetime in a dead marriage.   Yes, it would be hard but divorce always is.   Maybe you should move on.  Own your mistakes but forgive yourself.   Don't cheat again in the future.  Period.   It is just too hard on everyone - including you.   Live life in the light and it will be better.  

I am quite sure. I wish it was so simple that I could leave.   My salary keeps our home and everything that goes with dealing with the sickness in our home.   

I do not want to blow up lives. I'm not a nut job although I made a very bad decision getting involved.  

Right now I want the affair over but what  I'm asking is how do I behave with dignity at work when I am raging at him?    I don't want this anger. It's no good. 

 

He's been my best friend for years. Good friend.  I'm not innocent but I'm very hurt.   I mean hes married  I'm married. 

I care for my husband.  He's the father of my child .  He's a good man.  I want us together and I will forfeit my own needs as I don't deserve to be happy after what I've done  that's how I feel

I've made myself an extra on gerry springer show .  This is the best outcome out of this. 

[stillafool]

 

31 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

Also he's out of work with alot of ailments and I have had to carry work for ages. 

You have a disabled husband and a disabled child at home??  Who takes care of them?

 

25 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

But we engaged in sexual play over the years of the light variety and I feel he owes me more time and attention. 

Why do you feel your boss owes you more time and attention?