Ended 8 yr affair ,are partners simply distraction from home life

[florrymcgoo]

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I suspect that in many cases this is true to at least some extent. There are some important "howevers" though:

- This was a consenting relationship in the sense that you knew what you were doing throughout. You were getting something out of all this. Emotional connection? Attention to a limited extent? Something...

- You could theoretically have ended it at any time and sought single men. You chose not to take this option for some reason.

- Some married AP's do leave their spouses; however you seem to be both claiming you never wanted that AND complaining "now you have nothing".

- Non-affair relationships end all the time and leave people feeling unhappy/depressed/"now I have nothing" as well.

Respectfully, your situation reminds me a bit of a person who takes an entry level job, finds it is (openly) a dead end with no promotion prospects, continues anyhow - not looking for a job with better prospects, more pay etc, and then, after years of it, complains about wasted time.

What doesn't add up is that you never did anything about it - either push him to choose you or end things with him yourself. Perhaps you're just reaching this point now. Ok - but it seems IMO odd to be complaining about it. That person in the dead end job DID get their regular paycheck to live on. The money deposited into their bank account, though perhaps not overly generous, was quite real. And you too seem to have "lived on" (emotionally) whatever it was you were getting out of the affair. You chose to simply "make do" and yet now you are complaining how things have turned out.

Obviously emotional connection is a little different to a pay check.  I miss him. That's all.  Thank u for your opinion and input though.    I suppose you got to have experience to know how these things go. I always wanted a friendship not anything else.  

[florrymcgoo]

4 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

I doubt his wife would feel the same!

I still think sex is for a spouse. I didn't go there. Never would. 

[florrymcgoo]

2 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Obviously emotional connection is a little different to a pay check.  I miss him. That's all.  Thank u for your opinion and input though.    I suppose you got to have experience to know how these things go. I always wanted a friendship not anything else.  

I was clouded from feelings and didn't act the smartest 

[mark clemson]

1 minute ago, florrymcgoo said:

Obviously emotional connection is a little different to a pay check.  I miss him. That's all.

I was clouded from feelings and didn't act the smartest 

It is different, but the metaphor still applies.

If this is a "break up" on your part, then the most logical thing to do is to process it for a while and then seek a new, "full" partner. Just as you would for a full partner you had broken up with.

If you find it difficult/emotionally distracting to see him around, you may wish to go "no contact". Many people do this after a relationship ends (both full and affair) as it can make things easier in some ways.

 

[florrymcgoo]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It is different, but the metaphor still applies.

If this is a "break up" on your part, then the most logical thing to do is to process it for a while and then seek a new, "full" partner. Just as you would for a full partner you had broken up with.

If you find it difficult/emotionally distracting to see him around, you may wish to go "no contact". Many people do this after a relationship ends (both full and affair) as it can make things easier in some ways.

 

Thank you for your feedback and advice.  I will take what you say on board. 

[Will am I]

It will take some time until you see everything clearly: your contribution to the situation and your MM’s contribution. Most of all: your internal motives and his. 

It needs just that bit of emotional distance to make everything clear.Give yourself some time. And stay open to other people‘s perspectives, even if they are critical of you. Thee critics have helped me a lot to get my head straight.

[florrymcgoo]

10 minutes ago, Will am I said:

It will take some time until you see everything clearly: your contribution to the situation and your MM’s contribution. Most of all: your internal motives and his. 

It needs just that bit of emotional distance to make everything clear.Give yourself some time. And stay open to other people‘s perspectives, even if they are critical of you. Thee critics have helped me a lot to get my head straight.

Thanks so much for all your time today.  [ ] 

Edited July 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
criticising other members

[florrymcgoo]

Thank you to everyone for input 

[florrymcgoo]

18 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, replace the void that the person left with more worthy causes. It takes time to rebuild. If you hadn’t before it may feel completely new but most people have cultivated interests and hobbies long before any relationship. It’s still new anyway because you maybe changed as a person which does bring me to your next question. 

 

Do you mean this person has less significance to you? Yes, it’s normal if that’s the case. Anger is common also and part of the grieving process and letting go. The important part is sticking to your personal goals and living your life well. Use your energies productively, not destructively. Take care of your health, mental and physical. Eventually the anger will dissolve and you’ll be too busy enjoying your new life.

Thanks so much for productive advice that is really helpful 

[florrymcgoo]

8 hours ago, Will am I said:

It will take some time until you see everything clearly: your contribution to the situation and your MM’s contribution. Most of all: your internal motives and his. 

It needs just that bit of emotional distance to make everything clear.Give yourself some time. And stay open to other people‘s perspectives, even if they are critical of you. Thee critics have helped me a lot to get my head straight.

Hi Will am. Yes I need to see my contribution.  My God I'm so angry at myself and at him.  Hope I can work through this anger. The anger surrounds what you said yesterday,  by virtue of the situation the other woman gets mistreated because the most important thing to the man is protecting his marriage.   I can't believe I lived within these limitations and him denying how friendly we were.    I get it. But it sucks. Also he was always hanging out at my place so the memories  are tied to there not anywhere else at his home. So he has no memories at his house of this.   I'm so sorry will am. I'm just so angry and in pieces crying. He will probably phone me today.   What's the point talking to him. Also the worst bit is we have an established business together which is my livelihood.  He says that won't change, that he will still give it his all.  I believe that but it would be easier if I did not have to see him.     Will am.......the fact that he was always trying to not get caught means I meant nothing to him. Anyway I don't expect input from you, you have been giving me loads of support so do not worry about answering.  I'm just venting. Thank you 

[Wiseman2]

At one point you stated you treated him and his wife to a hotel stay?

Unfortunately it seems you wanted a confidant and he wanted to move it to an affair?

Why not get an evaluation of your physical and mental health from a physician. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Especially for the tumultuous situation. 

A therapist can offer you objective and helpful ways to improve your well-being that are not as complicated as wanting a married man as a confidant and best friend.

[florrymcgoo]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

At one point you stated you treated him and his wife to a hotel stay?

Unfortunately it seems you wanted a confidant and he wanted to move it to an affair?

Why not get an evaluation of your physical and mental health from a physician. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Especially for the tumultuous situation. 

A therapist can offer you objective and helpful ways to improve your well-being that are not as complicated as wanting a married man as a confidant and best friend.

Thanks so much. Have done everything. It's in hand. Thanks alot for input.

[Will am I]

Your emotions are bouncing all over the place. allow yourself some time to calm down. 

Try to cut down on the blame and self blame for now, they don’t fit very well in this stage. For now I would recommend working from this hypothesis: you wanted to do good,  that was to offer your friendship and closeness to him when he was in a bad place. He was desperate for your closeness and because of the closeness and the rest of the circumstances, the friendship developed a romantic side. 

Accept the fact that you are mourning a long and close relationship. This process may take time, and it will go through different stages.

In a later stage take more ownership and dive deeper into the motives. You will see that neither of your motives were crystal clear. In that stage you can recognize how there was a mix of good and bad intentions (like there is always, it’s human). Then iss the time to process the guilt and blame.

 

 

[Will am I]

Try not to plan too far beyond  the stage where you are in.

The long term outcomes do not need to be defined today. 

[florrymcgoo]

8 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Your emotions are bouncing all over the place. allow yourself some time to calm down. 

Try to cut down on the blame and self blame for now, they don’t fit very well in this stage. For now I would recommend working from this hypothesis: you wanted to do good,  that was to offer your friendship and closeness to him when he was in a bad place. He was desperate for your closeness and because of the closeness and the rest of the circumstances, the friendship developed a romantic side. 

Accept the fact that you are mourning a long and close relationship. This process may take time, and it will go through different stages.

In a later stage take more ownership and dive deeper into the motives. You will see that neither of your motives were crystal clear. In that stage you can recognize how there was a mix of good and bad intentions (like there is always, it’s human). Then iss the time to process the guilt and blame.

 

 

Thank you so so much.  You are such a kind person.   Emotions are completely all over the place.   Anyway I will concentrate on keeping my cool ( coz we have a business but don't have to see each other everyday) but I need stable head for that side of it.    Yes I got something out of it too will am.....some gr8 times.....in a space that should not have existed.   But did.   But I'm having trouble not dwelling on all the second places I had to take. Can you love an other woman if she'd made fit a tight schedule around a spouse?  I completely accept I accepted the role. I knew nothing about this type of situation until I learned on the job so to speak. Bitter lesson. Will am thank you.   I do appreciate your time. 

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Have done everything. It's in hand. 

If you would like a married male confidant, perhaps a male therapist could be something to explore. You stillwork together? It's still unclear if this was a crush/friend or an affair.

[florrymcgoo]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you would like a married male confidant, perhaps a male therapist could be something to explore. You stillwork together? It's still unclear if this was a crush/friend or an affair.

It was an affair. Mainly emotional.   

[Will am I]

In the long term there will be three areas where decisions must be made:

1. your friendship with your business partner and former AP

2. your business

3. the marriage between your former AP and his wife

But those decisions can only be made once all the dust has settled. Given the long duration of the affair I’d aim for 2023 (counting one month of mourning for every year in the relationship).

Maybe I can sketch a little bit of the horizons.

One possible outcome is that you won’t feel comfortable around xAP anymore. In that case the friendship will end and one of you two will probably sell their stake in the business too.

Another possible outcome is that you will start to realize more and more how much you love xAP, the love is mutual, he tells his wife and they divorce, and you decide to be together for the rest of your lives.

A third possible outcome is that the marriage and the friendship survive, your lives don’t take any drastic changes of direction. You come to terms with everything that happened, accept it as equally bad and valuable, and  this period in your life will always have a special place in your heart.

 

Time will direct you to the outcome that is most suitable for you.

Edited July 5, 2022 by Will am I

[florrymcgoo]

46 minutes ago, Will am I said:

In the long term there will be three areas where decisions must be made:

1. your friendship with your business partner and former AP

2. your business

3. the marriage between your former AP and his wife

But those decisions can only be made once all the dust has settled. Given the long duration of the affair I’d aim for 2023 (counting one month of mourning for every year in the relationship).

Maybe I can sketch a little bit of the horizons.

One possible outcome is that you won’t feel comfortable around xAP anymore. In that case the friendship will end and one of you two will probably sell their stake in the business too.

Another possible outcome is that you will start to realize more and more how much you love xAP, the love is mutual, he tells his wife and they divorce, and you decide to be together for the rest of your lives.

A third possible outcome is that the marriage and the friendship survive, your lives don’t take any drastic changes of direction. You come to terms with everything that happened, accept it as equally bad and valuable, and  this period in your life will always have a special place in your heart.

 

Time will direct you to the outcome that is most suitable for you.

You are really clear thinking Will am. I've my therapy appointment in 7 days.  My preferred option is 3.

I'm too scared for practical reasons like my living to dismantle the business. I discussed this with him. He doesn't see a reason for this. I don't want it but I want the dust to settle emotionally so we can put this behind us.   I think it's easier for him. He has a spouse and 3 adult kids and a separate business so he can  immerse himself in that.   I don't have family.  That was my biggest problem as to how I started getting friendly with him and taking support in first place.  In this I feel very resentful. But then again it's not his fault he was cagey and constructed his life in a beneficial fashion for himself.   He was clever. I was dumb, end of story.  Will am.....why did he have to start this with me.  He has loads of family and loads of company.   So if marriage was bad he didn't need to seek refuge in me.   

 

I don't feel all is over for me. Im basically going to rewrite my story.  In future I'm only concentrating on people who are going to be of benefit to me. None of my friends were on site or available (due to life)  when I leaned into this situation.   He came along like Knight in shining armour.  Oh my Goodness how short sighted and stupid was I. 

 

Anyway I want the 3rd option. Right now I'm so all over the place I'm raw with temper.    I put myself in a very stupid situation.  

This was bound to happen.   

Oh I pray I'm able to become indifferent.  Hopefully with right distance and help I can.   I've had some trauma in my life all the way from being in Foster homes to  having no one in life. I managed a masters degree and came top of my year in university witb a backdrop of social problems,  surely I'm able to turn this around. I always saw myself as tough.  That's what I want to be.  I wish you well. Thank you for supporting me. I know I've no legitimate right to this anger.   I went into it. Bless you

[Will am I]

2 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

You are really clear thinking Will am. I've my therapy appointment in 7 days.  My preferred option is 3.

I was just plotting a few horizons. You shouldn't pick one now; just like you should not be rebuilding your home before the earthuake is over. Time will direct you. 

(though I understand your desire for control very well)

2 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

I'm too scared for practical reasons like my living to dismantle the business. I discussed this with him. He doesn't see a reason for this. I don't want it but I want the dust to settle emotionally so we can put this behind us. 

Don't make business choices on emotional grounds, especially when your emotions aren't even stable.

Do your daily work with your normal devotion, postpone any strategic decisions.

2 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

 I think it's easier for him. He has a spouse and 3 adult kids and a separate business so he can  immerse himself in that. 

He is facing his own struggles. Being able to go back to a wife and family is nice. But carrying the guilt of an affair back into the marriage is not so nice. 

Besides, this is not for you to worry about, it's his problem. You have enough of yourself to worry about.

 

2 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

 I don't have family.  That was my biggest problem as to how I started getting friendly with him and taking support in first place.  In this I feel very resentful. But then again it's not his fault he was cagey and constructed his life in a beneficial fashion for himself.   He was clever. I was dumb, end of story. 

Right now you are exploring your anger (with him and with yourself). That is ok.

In the longer term you will explore other feelings. The picture will become more balanced. 

2 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Will am.....why did he have to start this with me.  He has loads of family and loads of company.   So if marriage was bad he didn't need to seek refuge in me.   

You seem to be looking for a rational explanation ("he didn't need to..."). I'd look at it from the emotional axis.

My guess of how it started for him: he likes you, he trusts you, and you were present and available when he needed to open his heart. 

Then things became more intimate in your friendship and the romantic feelings took over.

Maybe he's been physically attracted to you since long before this started, I don't know. But even without that: opening the heart to a woman can trigger strong romantic or even sexual feelings. In that, men are probably not so different from women after all. I find myself most strongly attracted to my wife after an emotional conversation.

 

2 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

I don't feel all is over for me. Im basically going to rewrite my story.  In future I'm only concentrating on people who are going to be of benefit to me. None of my friends were on site or available (due to life)  when I leaned into this situation.   He came along like Knight in shining armour.  Oh my Goodness how short sighted and stupid was I. 

Does it help you to blame yourself?

What happened was bad, let's not contest that. Affairs are bad because they always end up hurting people.

But at the same time there was value in your relationship with him. Once you can equally feel the "bad" and the "valuable", then you won't need to lash out anymore.

2 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Anyway I want the 3rd option. Right now I'm so all over the place I'm raw with temper.    I put myself in a very stupid situation.  

This was bound to happen.   

Oh I pray I'm able to become indifferent.  Hopefully with right distance and help I can.   I've had some trauma in my life all the way from being in Foster homes to  having no one in life. I managed a masters degree and came top of my year in university witb a backdrop of social problems,  surely I'm able to turn this around. I always saw myself as tough.  That's what I want to be.  I wish you well. Thank you for supporting me. I know I've no legitimate right to this anger.   I went into it. Bless you

Time. Time. Time.

You don't recover from the loss of an 8 year relationship in 8 days.

[florrymcgoo]

26 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I was just plotting a few horizons. You shouldn't pick one now; just like you should not be rebuilding your home before the earthuake is over. Time will direct you. 

(though I understand your desire for control very well)

Don't make business choices on emotional grounds, especially when your emotions aren't even stable.

Do your daily work with your normal devotion, postpone any strategic decisions.

He is facing his own struggles. Being able to go back to a wife and family is nice. But carrying the guilt of an affair back into the marriage is not so nice. 

Besides, this is not for you to worry about, it's his problem. You have enough of yourself to worry about.

 

Right now you are exploring your anger (with him and with yourself). That is ok.

In the longer term you will explore other feelings. The picture will become more balanced. 

You seem to be looking for a rational explanation ("he didn't need to..."). I'd look at it from the emotional axis.

My guess of how it started for him: he likes you, he trusts you, and you were present and available when he needed to open his heart. 

Then things became more intimate in your friendship and the romantic feelings took over.

Maybe he's been physically attracted to you since long before this started, I don't know. But even without that: opening the heart to a woman can trigger strong romantic or even sexual feelings. In that, men are probably not so different from women after all. I find myself most strongly attracted to my wife after an emotional conversation.

 

Does it help you to blame yourself?

What happened was bad, let's not contest that. Affairs are bad because they always end up hurting people.

But at the same time there was value in your relationship with him. Once you can equally feel the "bad" and the "valuable", then you won't need to lash out anymore.

Time. Time. Time.

You don't recover from the loss of an 8 year relationship in 8 days.

Hi will am.   I don't know how to break the sections down to answer you properly like you have answered me.   It must involve some cut and paste.   

 

Thank you for the tips and for helping me feel normal.   

The anger is volcanic in me.   I don't mind admitting and its by no means a popular stance and never an attractive thing to admit feeling,  but I really feel like a victim of this. 

 

Will am.....I was so desperate for emotional support ( synopsis 2 close family members sick with cancer , since passed 3yrs), and no family around me, friends other side of world.   He came along.  There was mutual physical attraction. Will am......I Did NOTTT push for physical, he was the one who wanted ALL of that.   I remember clearly,  clearly saying I need a friend not this. 

 

But I was weak and I started to trade affection for emotional closeness

That was weak of me. Weak and pathetic.  

I gave too much of myself.  As for his marriage and his wife .....Will am no one forced him or asked him take this turn.   He wanted it.   More than me at the time. When I sensed it I pulled away. He pursued. Then I was weak flattered vulnerable and at sea and I wasn't strong enough at that tumultuous time. And the emotional stuff created a bond.   My point is right now I'm very bitter. If I had a big family like him, why seek me out???  He had enough of people in his life.   If I had a strong family structure to support me he would never have gained access to my life. So ......what's his excuse.....he has all that.   Why want more off me.  Why not at the time decide she's a nice person, I want to help her, let's make her a family friend. Why isolate me out and work on my feelings and make me into a two dollar throw away piece of trash.  For no reason. He had everything and has returned to everything.  As for his guilt........when his spouse was not home , he would want me to go to their home. I never did. Because  it would be wrong. Meanwhile my home is polluted up with this. 

 

Will am I'm so sorry for this. I don't expect you to keep answering.  I'm hoping this will calm down.  I will never get answers about whether he had real feelings.   He told me he has deep feelings. Does he. Who cares.   I got to get my life together. A full morning wasted and your time wasted answering me. 

Can I ask you did u miss your friend when u ended it, were there real feelings?

Thank you. May the best in life come your way. 

[florrymcgoo]

Probably all this time on this website is keeping me immersed.   I've a massive void left to fill.   I've wrote out a punishing fitness regime and basically a load of productive tasks to get stuck into. The only way out is through. I just want the whole sorry situation out of my life.   And to make better decisions going forward 

Deep down I don't think he's a bad philandering horrid cheat. He's a cheat yes but I do believe it wasn't habitual behaviour.   He just got caught up in it.   Yes I do believe deep down in my heart he started to fall....and was fighting it to save his marriage.   He  would do anything for me practically.   Was always at my back. And he said that was his way of showing care.......when he couldn't give me time I deserved.   The feelings were strong for him. I do believe that .  I go between that and rage .

Edited July 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
remove quote/merge recent posts

[basil67]

56 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

 I really feel like a victim of this. 

Kindly, unless he kept his wife a secret, you are not a victim.   Rather, you were a willing participant.  

Part of the road to recovery - and learning from the experience - involves taking responsibility for our own actions.  

[florrymcgoo]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, unless he kept his wife a secret, you are not a victim.   Rather, you were a willing participant.  

Part of the road to recovery - and learning from the experience - involves taking responsibility for our own actions.  

Thank you. I'm very mixed up. Full of anger. I guess it's the process.   Would you believe it I just was thinking what u are after saying. And it was calming me . I suppose Basil if u read the thread you will see the period of my life he entered.  I maintain if I had proper family support as two close members were palliative I would not have gone ahead with this.  You probably won't believe me bit I'm a good person.   I made a very poor choice. Now I'm hurting I'm blaming.  Can you offer me any more nuggets. Thank you so much for I put. Yes you are right. I knew he had a wife.   But....so did he...so where was he going when he had someone at home?  Not the point I know. 

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, florrymcgoo said:

Probably all this time on this website is keeping me immersed.   I've a massive void left to fill.   I've wrote out a punishing fitness regime and basically a load of productive tasks to get stuck into. The only way out is through. I just want the whole sorry situation out of my life.   And to make better decisions going forward 

Sounds to me like healthy coping habits. Much better than substance abuse or moving from one temporary relationship into the next (just to name two men's favourite ways of mourning over a broken relationship).

As long as you don't push the work & fitness regime to extremes as to block out the time for meditation and reflection. Your emotions and your thoughs about these 8 years need some of your time too.

1 hour ago, florrymcgoo said:

Deep down I don't think he's a bad philandering horrid cheat. He's a cheat yes but I do believe it wasn't habitual behaviour.   He just got caught up in it. 

He's a man. If we get too deeply attached to a female friend, we're all at risk. Some of us are better than others at keeping that modest safety distance. Getting into an affair does not necessarily reflect bad intentions or a lousy mentality towards women in general. It's a series of failing safety nets, starting with his own moral compass but also including your inability to resist at the time.

1 hour ago, florrymcgoo said:

 The feelings were strong for him. I do believe that .  I go between that and rage .

There will always be a triangle of love, anger and sadness. When the intensity of these emotions lessens, the triangle gets gradually smaller until it can fit into your heart so to speak.  Then you won;t have to bounce between these ambivalent feelings anymore, you can experience them together. 

 

My EA was relatively short, I chickened out before things went totally out of control.

I don't feel much anger. She came on to me, I could be angry over that. But then I know what trauma caused it so I'm not angry. Only the way she took the break-up just a little too light hearted, that stirs a little bit of anger. It feels as if she wouldn't accept my position that it was a bad thing, and she wouldn't help me put it behind me.

I do feel love. Quite strongly, although it's a different type of love now. I want xOW to graduate with top marks, find the best job, find true love and be happy. This is not unlike what I feel for my children, their success brings me joy. The idea of xOW finding her own life partner makes me swallow the slightest hint of melancholy, but the sense of joy is far greater now.

There is some sadness. It was only short but she rocked my world. Knowing that is gone and I might not experience anything so strong again, makes me a bit sad. But it's no big deal, nothing I can't manage.

For me, the trangle between these emotions is small enough that I can feel them together in a balanced mix. 

After an affair of 8 years this will presumably take longer