Ended 8 yr affair ,are partners simply distraction from home life

July 6, 2022

I think I'm angry because my marriage lacks intimacy and I'd imagine his doesn't. But ....that's my issue? Nothing to do with him.

July 6, 2022

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

You have a disabled husband and a disabled child at home?? Who takes care of them?

Why do you feel your boss owes you more time and attention?

My husband is able bodied and can do some caring. My family help while I'm at work.

But I am the earner. We are comfortable because of my Job and my child has a better life because of it.

I feel he owes me more time because he has availed of affection from me and intimate touching.....but then again......I agreed no one was forced . I thought he was very fond of me. If he was then surely he could give more time?

You are helping me. Thank you.

July 6, 2022

You're hurt but avoid the victim mentality. You're both unavailable/in other relationships or married. Give yourself time to move past this and stay busy both at work and outside of work. Let him know you're not interested in carrying on any other conversations. He's not a friend so don't keep lying to yourself that he's a friend. He's your superior and you report to him for work. Outside of that he is nothing, perhaps someone you were involved with but both of you are not friends.

Remain professional if anything and keep distancing yourself. Feel less and less sorry for yourself and feel more confident about moving on. I suggest also finding appropriate support as a caregiver at home. You seem stressed and heavily burdened.

July 6, 2022

18 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

My husband is able bodied and can do some caring. My family help while I'm at work.

But I am the earner. We are comfortable because of my Job and my child has a better life because of it.

I feel he owes me more time because he has availed of affection from me and intimate touching.....but then again......I agreed no one was forced . I thought he was very fond of me. If he was then surely he could give more time?

You are helping me. Thank you.

Does your husband have sexual problems and is unable to perform? Your boss wants to stop the affair because he knows if you guys don't stop it is inevitable that you will be caught and he will lose everything including his reputation. The effect it will have on your reputation and career wil be insurmoutable. Good jobs are hard to find in small towns. You will be a lot more angry if you lose your lively hood and your lifestyle because of selfish choices.

24 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

I think I'm angry because my marriage lacks intimacy and I'd imagine his doesn't. But ....that's my issue? Nothing to do with him.

Jealousy in affairs is normal.

July 6, 2022

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Does your husband have sexual problems and is unable to perform? Your boss wants to stop the affair because he knows if you guys don't stop it is inevitable that you will be caught and he will lose everything including his reputation. The effect it will have on your reputation and career wil be insurmoutable. Good jobs are hard to find in small towns. You will be a lot more angry if you lose your lively hood and your lifestyle because of selfish choices.

Jealousy in affairs is normal.

Thanks you make sense. He says he's giving me all the attention and time he can "safely" give me. Thar really annoys me. When we are in a "safe" space he initiates the physical tells me he's awake at night thinking of me and wishing he was beside me. He tells me this at work. He says he's mad about me. He says he wants me to do well at work and he cares for me. If that's true why is he happy to let our relationship end.....do you not fight for someone you think is worthwhile?? Am I not worthwhile?? God I feel so ridiculous. I thought I was more clever. I'm a donkey

July 6, 2022

He says we still have a friendship and that should be a "consolation"......

That's fine. But why tell me sweet nothings?

Just to get physical?

I must get a dumb cow

July 6, 2022

11 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

do you not fight for someone you think is worthwhile?? Am I not worthwhile?? God I feel so ridiculous. I thought I was more clever. I'm a donkey

You're not a donkey. How does one fight for a dead end? What do you propose that you each leave your disabled persons and run away or take them with you and run away? If you stay there neither of you would have a job and would be the talk of the town. You both have people depending on you. You need to tell him to stop filling your head with dreams that won't come true. Tell him you don't want to hear how much he wants you if there's no action to back it up meaning both of you making a plan to divorce and be together. Until he decides to do that tell him to keep all talk purely on a professional level and stick to it. That is the only way to get through this.

July 6, 2022

17 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

He says we still have a friendship and that should be a "consolation"......

That's fine. But why tell me sweet nothings?

Just to get physical?

I must get a dumb cow

I think you're just sexually frustrated. Does you husband have problems in that area?

July 6, 2022

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You're not a donkey. How does one fight for a dead end? What do you propose that you each leave your disabled persons and run away or take them with you and run away? If you stay there neither of you would have a job and would be the talk of the town. You both have people depending on you. You need to tell him to stop filling your head with dreams that won't come true. Tell him you don't want to hear how much he wants you if there's no action to back it up meaning both of you making a plan to divorce and be together. Until he decides to do that tell him to keep all talk purely on a professional level and stick to it. That is the only way to get through this.

I'm so thankful to you. Yes I know . Its not an option. Stillafool, it is exactly that...he was filling my head with nonsense, when we were snuggled up, just lap sitting etc. I've not got action in bedroom in years. Hubby doesn't want it or need it and isn't able to perform. My boss....we have known each other 10 years. He does not know I don't have a sex life. I would not talk about my marital situation. Then when we get close and are Cuddling my boss gets clearly aroused and that is just from sitting near each other. That is hard to give up. But it's over for me

Do you not think he is filling my head with rubbish? That's why I'm so angry. Why bother saying those things . That he thinks of me 100 times a day? That I'm all he thinks of. Do you understand now why I'm angry? It's the rubbish he filled my head with?

I know I'm gullible. But why bother trying this with me, telling me this stuff?

Can you see how that makes me angry....he clearly meant it so he could get some physical action

Edited July 6, 2022 by Lauraimback

July 6, 2022

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think you're just sexually frustrated. Does you husband have problems in that area?

Yes I am. Very. Very but I have responsibilities. My sex life and my home life are not compatible but i need to cop on. My family is important and no drama . I'll just have to resign myself to no sex.

That difficult a I know we would satisfy each other but I don't want that and be trashed to the side.

July 6, 2022

5 hours ago, florrymcgoo said:

Thank you. I'm just back from my therapist. I know what I've done. Believe me. Yes I done it time and time again. I thought it was something more than being used by a mm. I was a bad person I know it and I accept it. I'm just finding it hard to stay afloat today but I deserve every thing I get

Don’t jump back into the borderless self blame.

The fact that you did a couple of bad things does not make you a bad person altogether. We all have our good sides and our bad sides.

Some of your motives were good, altruistic even. Others were more selfish. Come to terms with this mix.

July 6, 2022

Yes I understand why you are angry because he keeps leading you on. You also have to be angry with yourself for getting involved in this affair in the first place. I think that is what he's experiencing regret at getting involved in this inappropriate relationship. You need to shut him down the next time he starts trying to fill your head with fluff, do not allow yourself to be alone with him. Stop begging for him, making him feel like a king and tell him no more. I don't know what your husband's disability is but talk to your doctors about the lack of sex and see what you can do. You might be surprised. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask your husband's doctor anything you need to know, they're used to it. I'm sure your husband doesn't want to see you suffer.

Edited July 6, 2022 by stillafool

July 6, 2022

3 hours ago, Lauraimback said:

I don't deserve to be happy after what I've done that's how I feel

This is simply not true.

2 hours ago, Lauraimback said:

He says he's giving me all the attention and time he can "safely" give me. Thar really annoys me. When we are in a "safe" space he initiates the physical tells me he's awake at night thinking of me and wishing he was beside me. He tells me this at work. He says he's mad about me.

These mixed signals are very unkind. This is the reason why people go no contact and leave their job. It’s very difficult to move forward after an affair when you have to see your affair partner - particularly when he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

July 6, 2022

1 hour ago, Lauraimback said:

Can you see how that makes me angry....he clearly meant it so he could get some physical action

Of course he did -

1 hour ago, Lauraimback said:

Do you not think he is filling my head with rubbish? That's why I'm so angry. Why bother saying those things . That he thinks of me 100 times a day? That I'm all he thinks of. Do you understand now why I'm angry? It's the rubbish he filled my head with?

Why is he saying these things, beside the obvious? He liked the excitement and novelty of it all. He enjoyed the sexual tension as much as you did. He was hoping the relationship would become more physical - just not, if you expected to spend time with him outside of work or if you expected he would leave his wife. Let’s be clear about that, he has drawn a boundary so you know what to expect from him in the future… Around here, we would say that he’s lowering/managing your expectations.

He can only fill your head with rubbish if you allow it. He can’t do this if you do not talk with him, keep it strictly business, and only see him in the presence of others.

The fact is, he said it because you want to hear it. If you hadn’t, this boundary would never have been crossed or he would have been rejected.

Edited July 6, 2022 by BaileyB

July 6, 2022

Having an affair can never be termed as altruistic! To suggest it is a sign of a wayward mentality.

July 6, 2022

What do you term physical action? Kissing, intimate touching etc?

I would say that if you work that closely together and spend time together alone then your coworkers probably already know or at least suspect, no matter how careful you think you've been.

You need to keep it strictly business. Stop having 1-2-1 meetings unless it's work related and then only stick to discussing work. If possible deal with things by email or phone. Be professional at all times.

July 7, 2022

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

This is simply not true.

These mixed signals are very unkind. This is the reason why people go no contact and leave their job. It’s very difficult to move forward after an affair when you have to see your affair partner - particularly when he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Thank you BaileyB. I totally understand the no contact. I don't have to see him all day everyday as we can work without being in same building. So I can avoid. I need to earn money from my job as in this town I won't get a job like this and I'll be on meagre wages with no downtime which will cause terrible hardship in my family. This way I have short enough hours, good conditions, and a salary that gives comfort to family. If I need downtime I can get it in this company as he understands well my challenges. I work hard but I am rewarded with conditions that allow me to do things to help my family . If I did not have responsibility I would be gone. I'd rather never see him again. That's how sour I am.

July 7, 2022

32 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

What do you term physical action? Kissing, intimate touching etc?

I would say that if you work that closely together and spend time together alone then your coworkers probably already know or at least suspect, no matter how careful you think you've been.

You need to keep it strictly business. Stop having 1-2-1 meetings unless it's work related and then only stick to discussing work. If possible deal with things by email or phone. Be professional at all times.

Gosh I hope not. Kissing , hugging, intimate touching. No oral or intercourse. He was pushy. I wanted mainly non sexual affection that was wrong too but he pushed for the rest and I know that. Not forced. Pushed.

July 7, 2022

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Of course he did -

Why is he saying these things, beside the obvious? He liked the excitement and novelty of it all. He enjoyed the sexual tension as much as you did. He was hoping the relationship would become more physical - just not, if you expected to spend time with him outside of work or if you expected he would leave his wife. Let’s be clear about that, he has drawn a boundary so you know what to expect from him in the future… Around here, we would say that he’s lowering/managing your expectations.

He can only fill your head with rubbish if you allow it. He can’t do this if you do not talk with him, keep it strictly business, and only see him in the presence of others.

The fact is, he said it because you want to hear it. If you hadn’t, this boundary would never have been crossed or he would have been rejected.

Hard to believe I'm such a fool. Like a deadbeat on gerry springer show. Guileless, gormless and stupid. He told me he thought about me 100 times a day . That he could not wait to get to work to see me. That he wakes up at night wishing he was beside me. That he feels like a man around me and that he loves helping me. That he is crazy about me and that I dominate his thinking. That's how it was for me so I believed him. He did not promise anything but can you see what he done? Surely that was unkind and you can see why I'm annoyed? I was physical with him because I believed he had feelings for me. Because he was saying what I felt about him.

July 7, 2022

You have to look at the positive side: at least you didn’t sleep with him.

Now on to better things!

July 7, 2022

4 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

Gosh I hope not. Kissing , hugging, intimate touching. No oral or intercourse. He was pushy. I wanted mainly non sexual affection that was wrong too but he pushed for the rest and I know that. Not forced. Pushed.

I understand the desire to have some affection from a man when you are in a sexless marriage…

That said, if you can take a step back and look at this from a different perspective, surely you can appreciate that it’s unlikely that any man - especially a married man - is going to offer this kind of affection without expecting more… Of course he pushed for more - he is a man, he is a married man in an extramarital relationship with another woman. And bottom line, he is your boss. You were involved in a very inappropriate friendship that involved kissing and sitting on the lap of your boss. Considering that want to keep your job and all the comforts and security it provides, engaging in an extramarital affair with your boss puts the security of your family at risk. Time to untangle as much as you can and re-establish a firm boundary lest you lose your job.

July 7, 2022

Quote

I work hard but I am rewarded with conditions that allow me to do things to help my family

Is this part of the terms and conditions of your position or does it depend on the goodwill of your MM?

Be aware you may find these benefits disappearing if it's the latter and you're no longer indulging in the affair.

July 7, 2022

14 minutes ago, Lauraimback said:

He did not promise anything but can you see what he done? Surely that was unkind and you can see why I'm annoyed? I was physical with him because I believed he had feelings for me. Because he was saying what I felt about him.

I had a male boss for many years. Married man. Had he said these things to me, I would have run for the hills… I would have probably left my job and hopefully, filed a sexual harassment complaint. I would not see this kind of “fantasy” talk or “love bombing” from my boss a compliment, it would make me very, very uncomfortable.

I am sorry to say, if you were in a healthy relationship and you were not starved for male affection, you likely wouldn’t have given him the time of day. Most other women would see this guy coming and cross the street.

Indeed, thank goodness you didn’t sleep with him. It would have been that much more difficult to walk away and leave this behind you.

Edited July 7, 2022 by BaileyB

July 7, 2022

You've got a lot going on, Laura. It sounds like all the stress and responsibility of your family falls on your shoulders.

It's understandable that a distraction, or maybe the fantasy of a new partner, would be such a salve to you during this time. Probably deep down you knew that this relationship with MM was going nowhere. But when you asked to upgrade it to suit you better and your MM declined, it felt like a huge rejection. In reality, it wasn't. You have made no promises to each other. Your relationship is wrong, and that's why it's a secret and hasn't gone further. But maybe you felt like more attention/time/help from MM would be the lifeline you needed. And then his refusal knocked you back down to earth, where you have plenty of responsibilities and, maybe, few joys.

For the very immediate, while you are feeling grief and rage and have another month until therapy starts, I'd focus on short term tools. There's an app called Youper that will check in with you and help you deal with your current emotional state. Listen to meditations that calm you and remind you that you are worthy and enough just because you exist. When you want to rage at MM, draw on the tools you use to refrain from raging at your child. Go into "grownup" mode and just act the part until you get away from him again. I think your raging at him is a desperate cry for him to soothe you, but a) that soothing needs to come from within you, and b) even if another person could provide it, he's a very inappropriate candidate. I'm sure your therapist will encourage you to start putting that emotional effort into appropriate relationships.

When you are feeling emotionally flooded, try to step outside of yourself and observe your [rage, pain, fear] for what it is. Just observe it like it's happening to someone else. Don't judge it or try to shoo it away. Accept that it's come, and you can't stop it. Then start breathing very deeply and slowly and deliberately. Start saying whatever truth you need to hear with every breath out. "I am enough./ I will be OK. / I have all the love I need right here. / etc."

Hang in there. You WILL be OK.

July 7, 2022

49 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

You have to look at the positive side: at least you didn’t sleep with him.

Now on to better things!

Thank you. That gives me a nugget of comfort. I hope I can be happy again

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