Mickey93 Posted July 3, 2022 Share Posted July 3, 2022 (edited) Hello, i cant believe im back here after 3 years. So i would need some advice. I have some issues with my fiance, we are in a LDR for close to 3 years, we were supposed to move in this summer in Vienna, were i live now. We are from same city in Romania. And we met before i got a job here. Now story short, two weeks ago she had some issues at the job where some woman accused her of theft, which eventually proven to be false. This caused her to be very stressed and be more cold. She was also stressed due to her mom always having control over her even in our relationship and her mom demanding her that we move into her city. As she promised me we will move here i already got an apartment here for rent. While she was cold, i started to talk with her bestie, which is mutual friend and found out my gf doesnt plan to move this year due to her mom and me apparently spending money. I also talked with her if she knows more or if its any guy at middle as she was too cold. But she also put it on stress and that she only talks /goes out with her male cousin. A cousin which i hear first time of. Her bestie assumed i knew of as my gf always tells me everything , also showed her pictures of our convos, in which my gf was the cold one, opposite from what she told to her bestie. Fast forward, we get a bit better and my fiance says shes going out with a guy friend cop to talk about the case and get more info for the future. I text the bestie and apparently this was the cousin. Take not she didnt noticed cousin. I asked her where did she met him, she said at a familly event. Which her bestie confirmed. But the most important thing is i asked her if this is the first time they go out and she said Yes, which was a lie. At this point i was crushed, as i dealt in the past with betrayal and my depression started. Told my friends and they also became suspicious, but avoided to talk pessimist about it I got so hurt and angry that i called her around 10pm to call me after they are finished and i called again around 11pm as this friendly info date was taking too long. Called her, she said she will stay only a bit more and then i told her that i know about your cousin etc and she was like “we talk at home, its not nice here” which got me even more angry as she was putting this guy first “not nice to him, but me?” 20 min later she called me and explained to me that it was her cousin which she met at familly event, at which i stated you got out more like at the theatre, she was “yea i said Events, not going out, to me going out is in the city at the terrace” Gaslighting, another red flag, she said shes sorry etc and that he also has a gf and knows that shes engaged. In the morning her bestie replied to me saying shes sorry she didnt answered and that apparently the guy isnt her cousin and that my fiance must recover fast or i should stop being with her and that she enjoys other guys company, despite doing nothing with them. Also she said i should stop bother her and solve the issues with my fiance directly. Apparently bestie knows more. Fast forward again we solved some issues and got warmer, yet my trust still shattered , i said we gonna move back home at which she was very happy, but to me its fake, or im paranoid, she still seem distant to me, like im super depressive now and she does almost nothing to calm me down , even more that alot of girls dm me on how do i feel, as im a flight attendant and i work alot with the opposite sex, which alot of collegues are interested in me. While my fiance doesnt look that interested in my health. Like just now she got home, dry texts all day. She just said good night, i asked her if its ok to talk a bit more and she brushed me off saying shes tired. And gave me a kiss emoticon which she started using lately, which is suspicious to me as well. I also told her i dont like her hanging with that guy and she said its okay she understands and she can also introduce him to me. Now im going home next month, what is your guys advice? I feel like she lost feelings, she also make me look like the bad guy to her bestie , at which she also got mad seeing our chat screens and keeps me or this guy as option. As i gave her ultimatum if she wants to continue this or no , at which she said she loves me. I feel heartbroken and i cant trust her anymore, i think ill also check her phone , a thing i never did, but i prefer having closure. Opinions please? Edited July 3, 2022 by Mickey93 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey93 Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 (edited) It all changed two weeks ago after the event at her job, there were no signs before that and i had the advantage in the power play and i think its this “cousin” guy. Thing is im in love which is a thing i never believed that would happen again. Distance is playing a part also in her behaviour and especially her mother, she doesnt want me to brake off either as i proposed her to be mutual, to at least spare me the on going pain. As now i lost my frame, but its manly due to my depression as well and i also felt the need to vent here as last time people helped me here with advices. Im thinking of waiting till August to meet her, but i feel already awkard, like i would be extra there. I myself having several options in women at the moment, but they seem blank to me as im in love with her. The major part plays her lying. Her bestie said she didnt told me as she didnt want me to get upset Edited July 3, 2022 by Mickey93 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 3, 2022 Share Posted July 3, 2022 If you like your job and the city where you live, I wouldn’t be moving back home for this girl. It certainly sounds like she has been exploring other opportunities while you were away and she is now not happy because a) she has been caught and/or b) you are moving home and she is losing her freedom. This relationship is on shaky ground, I would suggest that you go for a visit and see how that goes. You’ve got some serious talking to do before moving. And, if I may, it TOTALLY inappropriate for you to be in communication with her best friend - even more inappropriate for you to be involving her in your relationship drama/using her friend to check up on your girlfriend. That needs to stop. The person you need to talk to is your fiancé and that needs to be in person. Actually, with a marriage counsellor if you can - definitely before you even think about marrying. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey93 Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 (edited) I understand, but her bestie is also a good friend of mine and she ussually checks on both of us, from her side my fiance talked mostly good of me. And regarding the moving part my fiance seems happy about it which is strange as well. But to me seems a bit fake, either paranoia or instinct. She and her mom tried hard to get me go back. Like after i told her this she seemed super happy, but her lie regarding the cousin puts me down and i feel hurt. She wasnt that upset that i talked with her bestie. As common friend her bestie also doesnt like me getting hurt and she told my fiance as well. What i dont get its why she isnt just ending this if shes out of love Edited July 3, 2022 by Mickey93 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey93 Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 35 minutes ago, S2B said: She’s been lying to you. Can’t you see - she hasn’t been honest with you? how are you justifying all her lies? So what should i do? Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey93 Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 I will set that in my mind and see how she acts when we meet, if she acts different then its over. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 Life is too short to spend it with people you don't trust 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 She has lost interest. This relationship is dead. Don't get lost in the details. Let go and let yourself end the torture of worrying about her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 First things first - stop involving her best friend. Don't involve third parties in your relationship like this. It doesn't matter if you're good friends with her as well. It's inapprorpriate; deal with your fianceé directly without getting anyone else in the middle. Secondly, your fianceé has checked out of your relationship. She will end it herself sooner or later, so you might as well be the one to do it. We sometimes just need to recognize when we're beating a dead horse. This is one of those times. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 you have been LDR for three years, but were you ever not LDR? if so, for how long? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey93 Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 2 hours ago, IrinaM said: you have been LDR for three years, but were you ever not LDR? if so, for how long? For one year, also today she went cold again when i told her im moving earlier in November, was like “whatever you think is good, but didnt you said you move next year?” Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 This is not a woman who is excited about you anymore, Mickey. The coldness is a reflection of her lack of interest. It is better to end it now. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 Do you really see yourself marrying this woman? You don’t trust her regardless of what she’s doing or whether she’s telling the truth. Do you see a future with her or can you see her being the mother of your children? Would you need an army of spies to keep tabs on her every move while you’re away from home? Is this the environment you want your children exposed to? A paranoid, depressed father and a mother who tries her best to evade him? How exactly do you see this playing out in a home with your future family? We date to see whether we are compatible. Trust your instincts and don’t stay in a situation that erodes your peace of mind. Take a good look in the mirror and see the changes in you. Have they been healthy? Can you justify your own decisions remaining with her? Lastly, no one gives you closure but you. That closure happens when you know enough to walk away and have no need to keep searching or grilling anyone to admit what you know to be true. You give that to yourself in your own instincts and convictions, knowing that a decision to end a relationship is best for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 4 hours ago, Mickey93 said: For one year, also today she went cold again when i told her im moving earlier in November, was like “whatever you think is good, but didnt you said you move next year?” This is horribly cold. A woman in love would have been excited you're moving up there 6 months ahead. Not her, she sounds annoyed by it, no excitment at all, like you're interfering with her plans. You see that right? It is over for her. As soon as she secures the new relationship with the new she will dump you. If you must, like someone mentionned, have a trip there right now and see for yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey93 Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) I had a talk on phone with her and she was super warm and apparently i was right about her mother. Shes the main toxic influence to her which put the toxicity to our relationship. I feel like im dating a child , shes 28 for the record and still lives with her mom, her bestie also criticize her for this. Apparently her mom wants me to get a good paid job there and a driving license before “she gives her daughter”, old school type. Basically materialistic type. For the record also when i left i was like the bad boy type with not much going on, now i have a flight attendant chief career winning 5 times more money in Austria than a good job in my country. She was super pissed when me and my gf enganged without her approval. The driving license i didnt needed, but her mom says its a must. So my fiance told me we shouldnt talk in August, but me and her mom 🤣 and also wants us to live with her as her mom asks this. It also explains why whenever shes alone with me or even travelling she wants to move with me out of the city/country. This is becoming a joke. Thank you for advices guys, i will just talk with both of them in August and decide Its my fault also as i knew this red flag all along, my gf had only one relationship before with the son of her neighbors, which was poor and which her mom dislikes them, despite the guy being a great guy, except his brother which is a thug and which i used to hang out with, my fiance wanting this to be a secret from her mom. The entire relationship with her first bf was undercover and she kept prolonging it until he had enough and left. Which is what most likely i would do as well, its a pity that i met a great woman but under her mom toxic heel. Her sister barely escaped at 36 now with a guy which she has a son which he didnt wanted, but who doesnt wish to marry and its cold as he got cheated by his ex wife. Her sister alot of time envies our relationship and said she wants some touches from her guy now and then and nice talk. Her mom however likes my attitude as i kinda argue with her. My fiance father was put down to a lesser man thanks to her and i dont want to be that guy in the future. Thanks. If any updates ill let you know. Edited July 4, 2022 by Mickey93 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 This isn't all about her mom, though. She has been lying to you about spending time with another guy. Her mom has nothing to do with that, and that is your main problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 2 hours ago, Mickey93 said: I had a talk on phone with her and she was super warm and apparently i was right about her mother. Shes the main toxic influence to her which put the toxicity to our relationship. I feel like im dating a child , shes 28 for the record and still lives with her mom, her bestie also criticize her for this. Apparently her mom wants me to get a good paid job there and a driving license before “she gives her daughter”, old school type. Basically materialistic type. For the record also when i left i was like the bad boy type with not much going on, now i have a flight attendant chief career winning 5 times more money in Austria than a good job in my country. She was super pissed when me and my gf enganged without her approval. The driving license i didnt needed, but her mom says its a must. So my fiance told me we shouldnt talk in August, but me and her mom 🤣 and also wants us to live with her as her mom asks this. It also explains why whenever shes alone with me or even travelling she wants to move with me out of the city/country. This is becoming a joke. Thank you for advices guys, i will just talk with both of them in August and decide Its my fault also as i knew this red flag all along, my gf had only one relationship before with the son of her neighbors, which was poor and which her mom dislikes them, despite the guy being a great guy, except his brother which is a thug and which i used to hang out with, my fiance wanting this to be a secret from her mom. The entire relationship with her first bf was undercover and she kept prolonging it until he had enough and left. Which is what most likely i would do as well, its a pity that i met a great woman but under her mom toxic heel. Her sister barely escaped at 36 now with a guy which she has a son which he didnt wanted, but who doesnt wish to marry and its cold as he got cheated by his ex wife. Her sister alot of time envies our relationship and said she wants some touches from her guy now and then and nice talk. Her mom however likes my attitude as i kinda argue with her. My fiance father was put down to a lesser man thanks to her and i dont want to be that guy in the future. Thanks. If any updates ill let you know. Her mother is just looking out for her daughter. It doesn't make her materialistic if you have a good paying job and have a car. This is the bare minimum for a lot of people, the lowest bar possible. Regardless good for you for getting your life back on track. I agree with Expat that your main issue is your gf not taking the relationship seriously and seeing someone else. My guess is she's waiting for you to get so fed up you'll be the one to dump her. It's unclear why you haven't. Speaking with her mother and her will just prolong the drama. What do you hope to achieve by confronting the both of them in August? Do you think you can get her mother to arm twist her daughter into actually marrying you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 Let’s assume that the mother is controlling and manipulative, how does that contribute to the fact that she has been sneaking around with another man and lying to you about this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 You're off topic here ... doesn't matter if the mother is a problem or the banker ... the problem is your gf's behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 So, where is the part about her spending her time and energy on another man? If you brought it up and she fed you that whole sad story about her mother, it's called deflecting. She diverted your attention on something else to avoid talking about the real issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey93 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Share Posted July 8, 2022 Quick update. Apparently the guy is the real cousin, i found an unexpected “ally” in her 14 year older sister, the one who escaped her mom influence. Apparently her best friend opened the subject that we talked about the guy and her sister almost slapped her when she heard of it as she cant do that and thats not how she raised her (her sister took also care of her for most youth), the sister also agrees with me that the problem is the mother. Looking in chats of one year ago she did similar, gets in huge depression and her mom nagging her alot about us, that she needs a guy with money etc, she must stay with her etc. the mom is super toxic. Her bestie said she is willing to go out with friends all the time if they can, just to get rid of her mom. But shes 28 years old almost and it ruins our relationship, as her mom doesnt likes me. All the things she wants, now my gf asks of me with a sad voice, or talk with mom please. She also said that she doubts our relationship now, but she knows she loves me and looks super sad. I think shes trying to get one of her responsabilities off her shoulders which is me, but she cant. Her mom literally puts us down and even her personally and cant see how far she is being manipulated. Her sis said she will take action and try to get her off her mom influence as she also listens to her sister. But honestly its up to my fiance to go out or stay whole life miserable. I also found out my fiance was planning for us to live alone so shes far away from her mom, now they argued and shes so into moving me with her mom as well. I think she needs therapy. Again reading old messages of all the parties , it makes sense, also explains why her sis attitude to their mother is cold and rude, despite loving her. She told me how she manipulated her and prohibited things , even career wise, they all have same career as their mom, and mom herself its unhappy with career. Also the sis said how she ruined her love life, but how she finally chosen her actual man and left. Despite this she still talks with her mom daily to make sure shes ok, but preffer it at distance, i noticed even her baby keeps him a bit distant of mother, while with me a non relative, shes very calm. While im with my fiance there shes willing to do stuff all the time and does, like she went here to travel for me, a thing her mom prohibited at 27!! Or accept my engangement, angering her mom and putting my fiance down all the time. I leave her, things spiral again. I had a similar possesive mother, but not at this level, but at 18 i packed my bags and never looked back. Its sad how toxic some parents are. I will wait until August some im present in front of her and ill argue with her mom as well, also gonna see how things progress with the sister as she will try to put sense into my fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey93 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Share Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) Its my fault as well as i ignored the red flags. Like she was 24 years old and her mom was controlling her to come home at 10pm and she would oblige. They also live in a small flat. Both of them. Like non stop together. The father lives in the country side alone, despite not being divorced as they wanted , but chose to stay for the kids. The father had land and house when they met and the mother was poor. Now its reversed, the father is a guardianf at parking lot and the mother is working in a bank. High classing him. My fiance also told me to never let her become as her mother, many times. Edited July 8, 2022 by Mickey93 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 2 hours ago, Mickey93 said: i found an unexpected “ally” in her 14 year older sister You're now involving a kid in this? OP, you need to stop. Leave her best friend and kid sister out of your relationship - especially the sister. It is incredibly inappropriate that you are communicating with a 14-year-old about your problems with her sister and it says a lot about the state of your relationship that you are trying to recruit other people to manage it for you. Learn proper boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey93 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Share Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) 22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You're now involving a kid in this? OP, you need to stop. Leave her best friend and kid sister out of your relationship - especially the sister. It is incredibly inappropriate that you are communicating with a 14-year-old about your problems with her sister and it says a lot about the state of your relationship that you are trying to recruit other people to manage it for you. Learn proper boundaries. No, i meant 14 year older than her age and she talked with me. Its a grown up woman with a familly and me and my fiance are the godfathers of her kid Edited July 8, 2022 by Mickey93 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 Even still, you need to leave her family and friends out of this. My point about learning appropriate boundaries still stands. You need to deal with your relationship problems directly and not involve any third parties. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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