Long Distance gf, dont know what to do

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Mickey93 said:

i found an unexpected “ally” in her 14 year older sister

You're now involving a kid in this?

OP, you need to stop. Leave her best friend and kid sister out of your relationship - especially the sister. It is incredibly inappropriate that you are communicating with a 14-year-old about your problems with her sister and it says a lot about the state of your relationship that you are trying to recruit other people to manage it for you. 

Learn proper boundaries. 

[Mickey93]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're now involving a kid in this?

OP, you need to stop. Leave her best friend and kid sister out of your relationship - especially the sister. It is incredibly inappropriate that you are communicating with a 14-year-old about your problems with her sister and it says a lot about the state of your relationship that you are trying to recruit other people to manage it for you. 

Learn proper boundaries. 

No, i meant 14 year older than her age and she talked with me. Its a grown up woman with a familly and me and my fiance are the godfathers of her kid

Edited July 8, 2022 by Mickey93

[ExpatInItaly]

Even still, you need to leave her family and friends out of this. My point about learning appropriate boundaries still stands. 

You need to deal with your relationship problems directly and not involve any third parties. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Mickey93 said:

Quick update. Apparently the guy is the real cousin, i found an unexpected “ally” in her 14 year older sister, the one who escaped her mom influence. Apparently her best friend opened the subject that we talked about the guy and her sister almost slapped her when she heard of it as she cant do that and thats not how she raised her (her sister took also care of her for most youth), the sister also agrees with me that the problem is the mother.

Looking in chats of one year ago she did similar, gets in huge depression and her mom nagging her alot about us, that she needs a guy with money etc, she must stay with her etc. the mom is super toxic.

Her bestie said she is willing to go out with friends all the time if they can, just to get rid of her mom. But shes 28 years old almost and it ruins our relationship, as her mom doesnt likes me. All the things she wants, now my gf asks of me with a sad voice, or talk with mom please. She also said that she doubts our relationship now, but she knows she loves me and looks super sad. I think shes trying to get one of her responsabilities off her shoulders which is me, but she cant. Her mom literally puts us down and even her personally and cant see how far she is being manipulated.

Her sis said she will take action and try to get her off her mom influence as she also listens to her sister. But honestly its up to my fiance to go out or stay whole life miserable. I also found out my fiance was planning for us to live alone so shes far away from her mom, now they argued and shes so into moving me with her mom as well. I think she needs therapy.

Again reading old messages of all the parties , it makes sense, also explains why her sis attitude to their mother is cold and rude, despite loving her. She told me how she manipulated her and prohibited things , even career wise, they all have same career as their mom, and mom herself its unhappy with career. Also the sis said how she ruined her love life, but how she finally chosen her actual man and left. Despite this she still talks with her mom daily to make sure shes ok, but preffer it at distance, i noticed even her baby keeps him a bit distant of mother, while with me a non relative, shes very calm.
 

While im with my fiance there shes willing to do stuff all the time and does, like she went here to travel for me, a thing her mom prohibited at 27!! Or accept my engangement, angering her mom and putting my fiance down all the time. I leave her, things spiral again. I had a similar possesive mother, but not at this level, but at 18 i packed my bags and never looked back. Its sad how toxic some parents are. I will wait until August some im present in front of her and ill argue with her mom as well, also gonna see how things progress with the sister as she will try to put sense into my fiance.

 

2 hours ago, Mickey93 said:

Its my fault as well as i ignored the red flags. Like she was 24  years old and her mom was controlling her to come home at 10pm and she would oblige. They also live in a small flat. Both of them. Like non stop together. The father lives in the country side alone, despite not being divorced as they wanted , but chose to stay for the kids. The father had land and house when they met and the mother was poor. Now its reversed, the father is a guardianf at parking lot and the mother is working in a bank. High classing him.  My fiance also told me to never let her become as her mother, many times.

Plotting like this rarely works in the long run. That’s why it pays to be cautious and date someone you’re compatible with rather than forcing a situation.

Pitting relatives against one another will backfire eventually when the family realizes that they’ve lost ties to one another because of you even if your dreams come true that your girlfriend finally grows up and her mother becomes less meddling. 

Have you thought about what happens when your girlfriend loses her relationship with her mother? She may blame it on you and resent you. Tread with caution when dealing with family members. It’s your girlfriend’s job to create better boundaries. Not yours. Not her sister’s.

Edited July 8, 2022 by glows

[basil67]

The idea of you arguing with the mother suggests you have a lot of maturing to do yet - as it's about the worst thing you could possibly do.  If you argue with the mom, you're 100% guaranteed to get banned from dating their daughter...which would put your girlfriend in the situation of having to choose between you and her family.  And/or you upset the mother and your girlfriend will resent you for it.   After all, blood is thicker than water.   If anybody puts their foot down with the mother, it must be your girlfriend.  

I'd suggest you try being the kind of man who her parents would approve of: polite, gracious, good company, treat their daughter well, employed and have a car.  If you and she end up together for the long haul, you'll need a car to ferry around your young family, so you may as well get that sorted out now.   

And for what it's worth, I once had a boyfriend who my parents didn't approve of, but he won them over by being a good guy and we were together for a couple of years.

[basil67]

Further to what I wrote above, you barely have a positive word to say about your girlfriend or her family.  You want to spy in her phone, you want to argue with mom, you're involving other friends and family and you speak of power plays. This is not remotely what love looks like.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

This is not remotely what love looks like

I agree. 

Nothing about this suggests this a healthy relationship, OP. And that isn't about her mom. 

[Mickey93]

I listened to some of your advices especially about her choosing between familly and decided to not pressure her about it.

My fiance called me crying that she loves me, but that her mom doesnt likes me and realises what she wish from me its unrealistical .

While yes having a job and a license which i would take this year its normal.

My actual job pays 5 times more than a good job in that city and more than a normal job here and im in management position as well now. Secondly that city is almost dead and full of corruption, not to mention her mom wants me to live with her in the country side. I proposed me and my fiance rent an apartment at which she said i wish but still mom wont accept it. So even if i had a house, her mom preffer im there with her in the village, if city is dead , you can imagine the village. Also my fiance said shes super afraid of how i will be after being put down in career, a sign that she still loves me. And doesnt wants it, but doesnt want to leave me either

Her mom is super old school and delusional, dont get me wrong about saying bad things, but its not normal that a parent ruins kids happiness and i get even more mad at it because mine did the same thing to me, till i had to move away.

Also regarding the sister she get involved herself, because she passed through the exact thing, till she moved away and chose her actual man.

Also she told she pushes her mom even farther now as she acts as her baby its her own and tells my fiance sister on how to raise it. Alot of these things already outdated, She also upset because even with her my fiance is the same now and wants to see no one. And cries, for a month now. Today she was super hot and crying and said again that i need to talk with her mom. Like indirectly asking for help.

She afraid of leaving them and the mother installed in her like her responsability is to take care of then when they are old and thats the main thing. Which is super selfish, i mean i would too take care of my own parents, but i need to make my own familly as well and i can help both if move and advance after opportunities.

Her sister checks on both of us, even proposed we go soon on a road trip with her and her man. I told her i should leave my fiance so she doesnt have to chose anymore, but she said that i need to face the mom and my fiance would get even more depressed if i did that and add salt.

So now i have it from my fiance mouth that its her mom. She doesnt want to leave her just because of programming and constant nagging. Which is not even leaving her mom as you hardly leave parents, but to make her own life. I mean she puts her down even with career, like stay here is good. Like an upgrade to another position in another bank. Nooo you have to stay. Which btw my fiance detest her job and she didnt chosen it, but her mom, she told me many times.

Also my fiance knows this as well, even though she applied for better job, she wont take them. Not because she isnt good, shes one of the best. But only with connections you can get it, its a ruined corrupted hole. Thats why over 40% of my nationals left the city and alot the country. And why she also worries about me, close to none opportunities for me there. And her mom wants like you clap your hands, on the spot, born rich. But still to leave the villa for the country side house.

Edited July 9, 2022 by Mickey93

[Mickey93]

But like it was mentioned i dont even know what to talk with her mother, its up to my fiance. I think even with a man which her mom wants the relationship would fail if my fiance doesnt set her boundaries, as even she admitted that this is a relationship in 3. The man would also have to move in that forsaken village to live with her mom also, giving up tons of opportunities and the mom would dictate the relationship.

Edited July 9, 2022 by Mickey93

[ExpatInItaly]

My guy, you need to wake up  and realize what is actually happening here.

Your fianceé is feeding you excuses because she's getting ready to break up with you and blame her mom. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Mickey93]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My guy, you need to wake up  and realize what is actually happening here.

Your fianceé is feeding you excuses because she's getting ready to break up with you and blame her mom. 

What makes you think so? She seems very hot when i told her we will do things to please her mom. But says she feels bad i have to give up my stuff.

[S2B]

She is TOO tied to her Mom - and it will ruin anything good in your union.

do not leave the good job you have.

do not sacrifice for her.

she’s made it clear her devotion is to her family - not you. 

you should find a better match — she isn’t it.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Mickey93 said:

What makes you think so? She seems very hot when i told her we will do things to please her mom. But says she feels bad i have to give up my stuff.

All of what you wrote. 

She is already giving you reasons why this won't work, and she's making it all about her mom. That way it's harder for you to argue against when she ends it with you. She can blame her rather than taking accountability for her own fading interest, and not feel like the bad guy. That will fall on her mom and alleviate some of her own guilt. 

I'm sorry. I would prepare for this not going the way you hope. 

[justwhoiam]

On 7/4/2022 at 12:22 AM, Mickey93 said:

Opinions please?

She lied to you, she lied to her best friend? Or she asked the best friend to cover up for her. She's more worried about what other people will think about her than about losing you. So that's your answer. You're a flight attendant, you can meet all the girls you want wherever. Do not put up with that girl. Text her that you want to break it off and wish her good luck for her future. You don't owe her any explanation, so if she starts pestering you that you need to talk... you simply say: sorry, but you were unavailable for me when I needed that, and you now need to accept my boundaries. I'm better off without you.

Then you get a smaller apartment if you think the one you have now it's too expensive for just one person.

[Mickey93]

A little update on the situation, im seeking help at the moment from a specialist, as i realize i dont have the strenght to brake it up due to emotional manipulation from her. We go from hot to cold.

She was also convinced by her mom that i have to go there, get a loan and get my own apartment as only then her mom will agree with us. So her love isnt that strong, but i think she also dragging me along. I proposed her 3 times by now to brake up, yet she doesnt want to and gaslights me. I also didnt talk with her for two days waiting to see if she texts and she didnt, i eventually broke and texted, she said she was testing to see how far i go with it

Her friend told me that apparently she still talking with the guy and they actually went out behind my back, she saying she told me. She told her friend that only to talk and she felt good as he has has a long distance gf as well and he complains about it and him and my fiance still talk, when she goes cold on me i can see shes texting him as its too much of a coincidence, they are always off and on in messenger at the same times and while being online, she gives short replies or kisses, but not answering properly.

So im pretty sure shes emotional cheating as well, after all the signs. I just hope i find the strenght to brake it up, because everyone of our mutuals calls me paranoic, but i dont think im, my guy says so. Anyways thank you for your replies.

Edited October 15, 2022 by Mickey93

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Mickey93 said:

She was also convinced by her mom that i have to go there, get a loan and get my own apartment as only then her mom will agree with us. 

Yes, unfortunately it does seem like she's dragging her heels about relocating to Vienna to join you.

When did you last see each other in person? Unless she has a job, visa and is married to you, why would she move there?

It does seem like she is carrying on with her local life since you decided to move away.

If she wants to live in Austria for her own reasons as far as better jobs or education opportunities that's fine, but then she would be looking for work there, no?

[Mickey93]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, unfortunately it does seem like she's dragging her heels about relocating to Vienna to join you.

When did you last see each other in person? Unless she has a job, visa and is married to you, why would she move there?

It does seem like she is carrying on with her local life since you decided to move away.

If she wants to live in Austria for her own reasons as far as better jobs or education opportunities that's fine, but then she would be looking for work there, no?

She wont come anymore, she was looking for work etc. All went down after she met this guy and who she is talking with behind my back. She went out to an event with him and she didnt told me. I confronted her and she gaslight. Yet she told me not a date, because for her date means going out in the city, which she did few days ago behind my back.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Mickey93 said:

I proposed her 3 times by now to brake up, yet she doesnt want to and gaslights me. I also didnt talk with her for two days waiting to see if she texts and she didnt, i eventually broke and texted, she said she was testing to see how far i go with it.

Break ups are rarely mutual. You don’t need to ask for permission to end a relationship with someone. Why are you asking her to break up with you? Break up with her, block and delete her contact if she continues to disrespect your privacy and space. 

Testing each other and mindgames aren’t needed. You’re prolonging all of this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

If don't break up with her, she is eventually going to break up with you anyway. 

It is very clear she's waiting until her new guy dumps his girlfriend before she finally has the stones to end it with you. But it's coming, one way or another. She doesn't love you or even respect you anymore. 

[Mickey93]

Hey guys, a little update after 1 year and half, we continued our relationship. I actually did the mistake of moving from Viena to my home country on the same job, the problem was that there were no free spots in my native city, but im still on transfer list. I moved to the capital where i had to restart everything, a bad decision, but in the same time made me realize that i want to be more stable in my home country.

Story short, while i was moving here, she eventually told me that she will move to this city, as now we live 3 hours distance of each other by car. We had some minor arguments and she applied for jobs here, as she was jobless for 9 months, She got a job here , but she said first she has to talk with her parents, she had a huge fight with them and eventually she said she isnt moving and that i should talk with them, it went on and off , until i decided to brake up with her in a rage moment, her response was, "ok, if you think so" , i felt bad and apologized, of which she said we are on a brake to chill out, it lasted one month and we got back together.

She was super hot after this and then the conversation went dry again from her part. Last week we were on a vacation, where i felt super bad when her phone rang regarding a job offer in our native city, i got a little upset and confronted her that she told me a different thing. I was upset most of the time, especially me having to pay for everything and not getting even a thank you, i even paid for a dress and no response.

She just went superficial with pictures and stuff, a behavior she never had before as she was appearing super mature and different and even offering herself to pay and me refusing her. It might sound stupid, but i appreciated her small gestures. I finally broke down and told her that i feel like the vacation boyfriend and its not going anywhere ( her moving), of which she went super mad and even cried and called me names. Alot of gaslighting, manipulation. I tried everything to make it work,  but could never had a mature conversation without silent treatment or other toxic behaviours. I found out by watching videos and reading that she has narcissistic syndrome, at least she matches most of the things. She even told me its my duty as a man to pay and expect no thanks.

She also told her friend different things about me of which she messaged me , not believing fully her story and told me something among the lines, of i told you~ and that i was losing myself and she doesnt recognize me anymore and that she also shocked about my fiance behavior, showing a way different persona. Apparently that cousin dude also was visiting her during her work lunch brakes. Of which she said that they just went once, not knowing yet that i know, but didnt wanted to ruin my relationship with our mutual friend. She created me a huge trauma bond, of which i realise now and im working on it, as well as my anxious attachment style that now i have.

Several red flags she also displayed was after our brake her status is still single, deleted most of the pictures, after we got together again, i told her that i would appreciate if she put back pictures with us, at least one. She did, but she put it so only i can see it, confronted she lied and spew some more gaslighting. As now after our fight she slowly deleted more, but left some. Caught her not wearing the engagement ring and again Gaslighting. Despite deep down realizing , she indeed tries to appear single, waiting for someone to appear and monkey branch. I went no contact and trying to fix my stuff. She has a new job there now, relationship its already dead as the trust its long gone to be fixed, even though this time we didnt officially broke up. Despite all this, i met wonderful people in the capital, both men and women, influencing me to advance as a person. Thank you as well 

Edited April 27 by Mickey93