Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) Quick Summary: I’m 39 and H 46. Married for 12 years together 16. Two daughters (3 and 8yo) Our marriage was difficult. Mainly because of him and I’m saying this as a person that took most of the blame until now. Lack of communication, infidelity, major lies and huge omitted secrets from his end. He complained to others behind my back about me not doing house chores and not loving him. Years ago he had an affair for 6 months or so. Saw emails and texts followed him to her house and saw them. He showed no remorse and denied. He admitted months later after I said if you just tell me we can move on. There were other women in between nothing lasting. Emails, texts, etc from women. I begged him back after catching him because of the way he discarded me with no remorse. I was desperate. Emotionally abused by a possible narc. I got the strength to leave. He begged me back for a year before I gave in. Present day, same issues with marriage. He surprised me by filing for divorce then blamed me for not loving him. He would not talk to me about it. Once again I looked within and said maybe it was me. I went into full prove my love mode. He came around after a week and considered dropping divorce. Things feel normal. Awesome intimacy, more communication from him, I thought real changes. Had a suspicion. Checked the call logs and saw he’s been conversing with several women over the last year but does not currently appear to be talking to any women. Cannot see the messages only the records. Confirmed they were women through online search. His phone is always face recognition locked so I can’t look there. He has no idea I have his online phone records or he would change the password as soon as he knows I don’t have much money for attorney fees and to be able to find a place. I lost my job during the pandemic and used all of my savings during the 10 months of being unemployed. I found another job but no savings because I’m just catching back up on things. He’s been cheating for 11 years. I have not confronted him because I’m afraid to be kicked out soon as divorce is final. I was thinking of pretending I don’t know just long enough for him to cancel the divorce and me to prepare my exit behind his back. The pain is killing me. Not saying anything is killing me. How long will the pain last snd how do I cope? I know the answer is not here but I needed to vent. Edited July 4, 2022 by Sleeplessbark 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 13 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: Present day, same issues with marriage. He surprised me by filing for divorce. He came around after a week and considered dropping divorce. There is help for you. First consult an attorney and discuss your option in the event of divorce. An attorney can advise you about dividing assets, alimony, child support, etc. Do Not tell him or threaten divorce. Considering his ongoing multiple affairs, see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about his philandering and ask for STD testing. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do Not tell him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: There is help for you. First consult an attorney She doesn't have much money for an attorney... OP, you need to prepare your exit. Can you find a job? I know your girls are very young. Is it at all possible? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) Try to find an attorney who will provide a free consultation. With knowledge comes power! You are likely entitled to child support and possibly spousal support. I don’t know your situation, but he can’t kick you out of the marital home. I would think that he would have to buy you out of the home or you would sell it and divide the proceeds. You REALLY need to consult a lawyer. My partner’s ex-wife had no money, she went to legal aid. There are ways… She walked away with a sizeable amount of money from the sale of the home, retirement savings, spousal support, and child support. Yes, you need an exit plan - like - yesterday. You don’t want to leave the home without legal advice. If anything, he should be the one searching for a place to live but you should be looking for supports. Do you have friends or family who can offer love and support? I’m sorry that this has happened but what a MESS! My heart hurts for your children who are being raised in this environment. For your own sake but mostly for the sake of your children, I hope you kick this guy to the curb once and for all - Edited July 4, 2022 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 19 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Try to find an attorney who will provide a free consultation. Yes, try this. Only an attorney can advise you if the employed spouse will be billed for the unemployed spouse's attorney. Happens all the time. All you have to do is ask an attorney. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Sleeplessbark said: The pain is killing me. How long will the pain last snd how do I cope? You will need to divorce. You need to put in place some legal and financial protections for yourself and your children. It would be very unwise not to consult a lawyer when you are entitled to child support among other things. As to your question, how do I cope? For me, I wouldn’t be sad - I would be MAD! My anger would fuel my protective instincts to remove my children from this toxic mess of a marriage and get them settled in a peaceful and loving home. I’m sorry to say this because it is tough love and it may not be what you want to hear in this moment, but this isn’t about you anymore. It’s not about him anymore. You have given him more chances than he deserves and now it’s time to deliver your children from the drama of this marriage. Seriously, don’t cry over the end of this relationship - he does not deserve your tears. It’s time to put your big girl pants on, gather your support, and do what you need to do for the well-being of yourself and your children. Best wishes - take care of those children and their mama. Edited July 4, 2022 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Try to find an attorney who will provide a free consultation. With knowledge comes power! I did many free consultations with different attorneys on the day I was served a few weeks ago. Each gave great advice but gave me a price that I couldn’t afford at the time. I knew I had 21 days from being served to respond so I had to wait until I got my weekly paycheck to hire a guy I decided on. I will likely pay him this week now that I have the money. Only problem is it’s all the money I have. Divorce would take about 30 days (another month of pay to save). Once divorce is finalized I could be ordered to leave the home through Temp order. Child support takes a while to come. So does division of property. No spousal support because we make the same amount. It’s likely he saved all his money for months in order to afford an attorney. Or borrowed. There is a slim chance I can convince him to cancel complaint. He seems open to the idea. I’ve made advances for quality time together and he agreed each time. We spoke about working it out but he was still unsure. My advances were all apart of my plan to get him to throw it out and I’m wise enough to not trust him so I was still saving in the event he was pretending to reconsider and leave me unprepared. If he cancels, I have a few months of pretending to do my self to prepare my exit. If he doesn’t cancel, I’ve saved for an attorney for no family/friends to move to after. This was the plan. I only discovered the call records recently (this week) so it’s making it hard to continue the plan as if nothing happened. Edited July 4, 2022 by Sleeplessbark 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 38 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: This was the plan. I only discovered the call records recently (this week) so it’s making it hard to continue the plan as if nothing happened. I hear you. I’m sorry, divorce is expensive and life is complicated. Do you have an employee assistance plan? Can you talk with your physician or find a counsellor through your insurance plan. I’m concerned and wish that you had someone to talk with/more support. Feel free to keep posting here. People here have been through it and those who haven’t are still willing to offer a listening ear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 Thank you. I called my insurance provider and they offered therapists but I would have a pretty hefty copay. I’ll seek therapy once I’m able to. He gave me no time to prepare for this. I know people said they were surprised but in my case it was zero warning. He had complimented me and we cooked dinner the days in between him filing and me being served. Not considering where the girls and I would go. He hired one of the most aggressive attorneys in the area. I would need more than legal aid I think. My best option is to fake a reconciliation Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 3 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: Not considering where the girls and I would go. What makes you believe he can evict you from the marital home? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 1 hour ago, Sleeplessbark said: There is a slim chance I can convince him to cancel complaint. He seems open to the idea. I’ve made advances for quality time together and he agreed each time. This won't solve your problem but just keep you in this broken marriage longer. Do you have relatives and parents you can move in with until you can do better? I'm surprised after all he's put you throught that you haven't saved for this upcoming rainey day. He will NEVER stop cheating on you and be the man you want. 1 hour ago, Sleeplessbark said: Once divorce is finalized I could be ordered to leave the home through Temp order. It's doubtful any court is going to throw a mom and her 2 little kids out on the street. Don't let fear keep you in a bad marriage. There are resources to help you. Good he is the one who filed for divorce now he can be the one to pay for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 5 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: My best option is to fake a reconciliation This is your worse option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 Me faking a reconciliation is so that I can get him to dismiss the case. Save money and file myself in a few months. I would never consider staying with him. I need money to fight back with an attorney and to find a place plus deposits and moving expenses. Covid took up all of my savings. I can be kicked out once we are no longer married because it’s his house he had before marriage. Being married protects me for now but once it’s finalized in several weeks I have no right to the home. The attorney said that I am still entitled to something since I have been paying half of the mortgage each month until now but he would have a short while to get that to me. We would have no where to go in the mean time. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 14 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: I would never consider staying with him. Thank goodness you have decided this. 15 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: The attorney said that I am still entitled to something since I have been paying half of the mortgage each month I’m not an attorney, but if the home was a premarital asset, this may be true. You are entitled to something, as you have been paying half the mortgage and the home has appreciated during the many years you were married. I’m sorry, this must be very scary for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) Terrifying. Not knowing how I will support us until I get child support or where to live. And holding that I know about his affair while still being affectionate with him. Not able to afford therapy. The worst thing I have ever experienced emotionally I would not be surprised if he transferred the property to his brother before filing so that I could not get it. Edited July 4, 2022 by Sleeplessbark Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) Do you have any friends or family that could offer any support? Not financial - emotional support? Somewhere to live for a while? Edited July 4, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 You can imagine my friends are tired of hearing about this cycle. They provide some emotional support but I can tell they are over it because we have been “done” plenty of times before. Family is no support emotionally. My brother is a black and white type of just leave him guy. No venting there. He lives in another state. I have a few friends that would allow me to stay for a while but I cannot move my daughters and two cats into their homes for months. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 11 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: I would not be surprised if he transferred the property to his brother before filing so that I could not get it. Your lawyer should be able to deal with this. And, if there are complicated things to decide - this won’t be settled in weeks. It should go before a judge. And, the judge may be sympathetic to your situation. Again, I’m not a lawyer. My partner’s divorce was difficult - she had financial aid and it still went on for two years and went before the judge. Given, the laws are different depending on where you live. The lawyer will guide you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 I don't know which state or country you're in but unless there's a prenup you will get a large chunk of the marital assets. Also there is aid from welfare as well as other agencies. You have to spend your time investigating this. There's always help for abused women with children. Maybe stop having sex with him as you aren't required to do that to stay there. Let him know you plan to leave and need money to do so. Maybe he will help you financially to make that happen since he's the one who filed for divorce which means he wants the marriage to end. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: You can imagine my friends are tired of hearing about this cycle. They provide some emotional support but I can tell they are over it because we have been “done” plenty of times before. I believe it, also my thought when I read your post. You gave this guy way more opportunities than he deserved. That said, I don’t know who could turn a blind eye to your circumstance at this time. I wouldn’t discount friends - people usually genuinely want to help! 8 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: I have a few friends that would allow me to stay for a while but I cannot move my daughters and two cats into their homes for months. Again, people usually want to help - don’t assume that people would not be willing to help. When my partner first separated from his ex-wife, he lived with two different friends. There are also women’s shelters and other organizations to help women and children in crisis - not that it’s ideal, but it’s available if you need short term. Edited July 4, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) I doubt he will give me anything willingly. His character is pretty sketchy. He will fight for the marital assets until the end. Would not be surprised if he asked me for spousal support. He is certainly not going to give me any money to help us move out unless ordered. Edited July 4, 2022 by Sleeplessbark Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 He is a classic narcissist I think. He discarded me. I started feeding his ego so I was on standby while he decided if he wanted me back. He is testing the waters again by giving me bread crumbs. I didn’t see it until I discovered the recent affair that I still have not mentioned. That’s when I snapped out of it. My hope is that in narcissistic fashion he will see me as a viable supply again just long enough to make my escape. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 2 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: Doubt he will give me anything willingly. His character is pretty sketchy. He will fight for the marital assets until the end. Would not be surprised if he asked me for spousal support. He is certainly not going to give me any money to help us move out unless ordered. Well I'd go with the friends route. You'd be surprised how much you can save in 1 or 2 months when you put yoru mind to it. Don't worry, the judge will not make you pay him spousal support but he will have to pay you child support. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 1 minute ago, Sleeplessbark said: My hope is that in narcissistic fashion he will see me as a viable supply again just long enough to make my escape. This would put you in the "please pick me instead of her" position. I think you're stronger than that, don't you? Let him have her. As long as he knows you're making preparation to move out he shouldn't bother you. Also it's doubtful he will put his little girls out in the cold. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 3 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: He is a classic narcissist I think. He discarded me. I started feeding his ego so I was on standby while he decided if he wanted me back. He is testing the waters again by giving me bread crumbs. I didn’t see it until I discovered the recent affair that I still have not mentioned. That’s when I snapped out of it. My hope is that in narcissistic fashion he will see me as a viable supply again just long enough to make my escape. It’s the old saying, fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me. I’m really glad that you came to your senses. Time to put some distance between you. Link to post Share on other sites
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