Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 10 minutes ago, stillafool said: This would put you in the "please pick me instead of her" position. It would not be me genuinely trying to win him back. I would play the pick me game if it allowed me more time financially not to try to stay married to him longer. He’s totally capable of putting his girls out. He has a kid he does have any contact with from a one night stand. I did not find out about it until after married. He is forced to pay child support but he has written that child off. He is capable of anything. He is a soulless being. I wish I knew sooner Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 13 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It’s the old saying, fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me. I’m really glad that you came to your senses. Time to put some distance between you. Yes. Unfortunately I still have feelings for him in a Stockholm sort of way. I will need years of therapy but I am determined to end this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 8 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: Yes. Unfortunately I still have feelings for him in a Stockholm sort of way. I will need years of therapy but I am determined to end this. Do whatever you have to do and start with acquiring the accurate legal advice so as to dissolve this marriage and secure custody of your kids. He won't change. You can do your grieving in your own time but look to dissolving the marriage as it's a complete sham. He's been deceitful and put your life, finances and health at risk for years. Please also see your doctor for a full run down and STD check. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 21 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: Yes. Unfortunately I still have feelings for him in a Stockholm sort of way. I will need years of therapy but I am determined to end this. Yes but because you still have feelings for him it's too easy for you to want to stay married to this horrible man. He will expect sex if you tell him you wan to reconcile. Do you want to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) Since you have decided to leave, you could contact some local orgs for battered women/women's shelters or similar support orgs to see if there are resources they can connect you to. There might even be pro bono legal counseling. Since it sounds like you aren't, technically, a battered woman, be respectful of how much of their time/resources you take away. But your situation is similar enough that I suspect you will receive help, possibly quite a lot of it. Worth looking into at least IMO. If there has been at least some level of verbal abuse you can point to, this may bolster your case for support with them. Edited July 4, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, stillafool said: Yes but because you still have feelings for him it's too easy for you to want to stay married to this horrible man. He will expect sex if you tell him you wan to reconcile. Do you want to do that? Unfortunately I am ashamed to admit that I do want that. I want the intimacy and to be held by him right now. I bargain in my mind if only we go to counseling. I am trauma bonded to him. But I know he will never change. I am longing for the man I thought I knew but he never existed. It was a mask. My natural feelings want to feel close to him but I am denying those and thinking with my brain. It’s torture. It will take time before these feelings fade. He is currently grilling salmon for the family right now and I am sitting inside but can see him. This is the hardest thing because I am holding all of this in and pretending that I’m fine. I’m having a really difficult time this hour but I have to end this. I am not outwardly showing any emotions but I am struggling. No bargaining this time. It has to end. I will look into the resources you mention. Edited July 4, 2022 by Sleeplessbark 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sleeplessbark said: No bargaining this time. It has to end. I will look into the resources you mention. Good, and I agree with mark above, because if you don’t do it now, you’ll never do it. Why? Because you will never feel financially comfortable enough to pull the plug - you’ll never feel like you have enough money saved up for a divorce. Never ever. If you have 0 in savings right now, it’ll take a decade or more to save enough for divorce. You wanna wait that long? I don’t think so. We’re lucky to have the Internet, and google, & I’m sure help & resources are readily available if you’re looking in the right places. And the right lawyer will help & cooperate with your H’s lawyer. And just because he has an “aggressive lawyer” doesn’t mean he’s gonna get more out of the divorce. A family judge puts the kids first, and a family judge doesn’t care if a lawyer is aggressive - aggressive lawyers aren’t necessarily very popular with judges, either. Just saying. Edited July 4, 2022 by BrinnM Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Sleeplessbark said: No bargaining this time. It has to end. No bargaining. Been there, done that - where did it get you? You say that you can’t afford to leave - I say, you can’t afford to stay. What are you teaching your children about marriage? What are the values that you want to teach them about trust, respect, honesty, accountability? This break-up and make-up cycle is damaging to you and it is also damaging to your children. They will take what they learn from their parents marriage into future relationships. So while I understand the desire to seek comfort from the man that you thought you knew… I would say that staying and sleeping with him is only going to cause you more trauma. Layers, upon layers, upon layers of trauma here… Edited July 4, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Sleeplessbark said: Unfortunately I am ashamed to admit that I do want that. I want the intimacy and to be held by him right now. I bargain in my mind if only we go to counseling. I am trauma bonded to him. But I know he will never change. I am longing for the man I thought I knew but he never existed. It was a mask. My natural feelings want to feel close to him but I am denying those and thinking with my brain. It’s torture. It will take time before these feelings fade. So the truth is you really want to find a way to make him leave the other woman alone, drop the divorce and keep you, isn't it? If he's been cheating for 11 years and is at it again but this time cares enough for this one to file for divorce. You have been trying to "nice" him into keeping you. 40 minutes ago, BrinnM said: We’re lucky to have the Internet, and google, & I’m sure help & resources are readily available if you’re looking in the right places. And the right lawyer will help & cooperate with your H’s lawyer. And just because he has an “aggressive lawyer” doesn’t mean he’s gonna get more out of the divorce. A family judge puts the kids first, and a family judge doesn’t care if a lawyer is aggressive - aggressive lawyers aren’t necessarily very popular with judges, either. Just saying. Yes it's very easy to get help to leave if she actually wanted to as we thought; but that is not really what she's trying to do at all. Frankly, I don't see how you could want a man who thinks so little of his children. Edited July 4, 2022 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 (edited) Woa. I think maybe you misinterpreted what I was saying. My last post was a response to you saying I do not want closeness to him. I was saying that naturally I do want to be close to him because just a month ago I thought we were progressing. My response was not me saying I plan to have any type of intimacy with him. Please understand that I was saying I am releasing the man I thought I knew because it was all a lie. I am fighting the urge to remain in the cycle just to stop the pain. I am fighting and will fight until I am far away from him. What my blinded heart wants is for him to change but my strong mind knows that will not happen so I am going with my mind. I also said I was going through a break in trauma bond but will not lose. I definitely said no bargaining. As in, I WILL NOT be bargaining with this. Never said I wanted to be picked. Not sure where you got that. Also said the strategy was to pretend I don’t know in order to stay 2 months tops. Enough to save $ sorry if it was confusing Edited July 4, 2022 by Sleeplessbark Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 (edited) To answer your initial question, the pain won’t end for a very long time - I’m very sorry to say. The grief of the loss of your marriage, the pain of his betrayal, the fear and the exhaustion from having to rebuild your life alone - that will come and go in waves for many years… As the counsellor told me on my first visit after my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer - this is only the beginning of your journey. The immediate shock and pain that you are feeling now ends when you move out of the home. Having to see this man every single day is it’s own kind of pain. But then, the grieving begins. The tears and sadness, the anger, the bargaining - With time, you will heal from this. You will get there. You must get there, your children will be looking to you to lead the way… A favorite quote, I can’t even remember who said it but I saw it on Oprah. “In the broken spaces and the cracks, that’s where the light shines.” Sleep well tonight. You may be at the start of this journey and you have a long way to go - but, at least you are going in the right direction now. 😊 Edited July 5, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 6 hours ago, Sleeplessbark said: the strategy was to pretend I don’t know in order to stay 2 months tops. Enough to save $ It's unclear. You stated he had papers served and you need to respond in 3 weeks and you have already retained an attorney? Is your husband threatening to evict you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's unclear. You stated he had papers served and you need to respond in 3 weeks and you have already retained an attorney? Is your husband threatening to evict you? Hi Everyone. Thank you for your words of advice. Sorry for the confusion. About 16 days ago: Served papers 16-14 days ago: Contacted as many attorneys as I could for free consultations and to gain more information. The attorneys all advised me that I could be ordered to leave in next several weeks if certain factors happen. Decided on one attorney but could not retain him until I saved a few weeks of income for the retainer fee. I told the attorney that I would call him back once I had the money. This week: Finally have enough money to pay the attorney I decided on weeks ago. To clear it up, I was planning to pretend I didn’t know about the most recent affairs. He has shown signs on wanting to reconcile and I could use that to my advantage by having him dismiss the case. This would give me time to continue to save more money for future attorney expenses if it is highly contested which the attorneys advised that could happen with the information I gave them and what I am seeking. Mostly equal division of property is what he will fight. And save for moving expenses. I was planning to pretend to reconcile for about 2 months before I file. You all have advised me to not pretend to reconcile and pull the plug without any cushion of savings. I am now considering that. I was always leaving either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 6, 2022 Author Share Posted July 6, 2022 Feeling very angry today. I paid the attorneys retainer and he will draft a counter claim soon for me to sign and then serve to H. I feel angry that I have very little money left for my girls now before I get paid again. I gave the attorney 90% of what I had as a biweekly expense. He planned this surprised divorce for months without any consideration to what would happen to us (daughters and I). I can’t stand to see him right now. I’m so angry. I am in a state of depression and anger. I am not as present for my girls. I am normally the fully engaged parent but I can hardly get out of my funk enough to do more than the required necessities they need. For example we have not gone to the park at all this week because I want to sleep until it’s all over. How did you go through divorce depression and still keep a normal routine for your kids without them knowing you were in so much pain. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 (edited) Sadly I don't think there is an easy answer for that. FWIW you have our sympathy... Edited July 6, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 6, 2022 Author Share Posted July 6, 2022 Thank you. I’m struggling a lot today but I’m determined. Seems so unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 18 minutes ago, Sleeplessbark said: I feel angry that I have very little money left for my girls now before I get paid again. I know what you're going through is incredibly difficult and you're right it isn't fair. ^^^Doesn't he contribute to the care of his daughters? He wouldn't let them go without necessities, would he? He doesn't sound like a good father at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 6, 2022 Author Share Posted July 6, 2022 He’s an okay father to the girls but has potential to not be since he emotionally left the other child from the one night stand but pays support. My personal expenses: car, food, insurance for just me I wouldn’t be surprised if he left me high and dry. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 1 hour ago, Sleeplessbark said: Feeling very angry today. I paid the attorneys retainer and he will draft a counter claim soon for me to sign and then serve to H. I feel angry that I have very little money left for my girls now before I get paid again. I gave the attorney 90% of what I had as a biweekly expense. He planned this surprised divorce for months without any consideration to what would happen to us (daughters and I). I can’t stand to see him right now. I’m so angry. I am in a state of depression and anger. I am not as present for my girls. I am normally the fully engaged parent but I can hardly get out of my funk enough to do more than the required necessities they need. For example we have not gone to the park at all this week because I want to sleep until it’s all over. How did you go through divorce depression and still keep a normal routine for your kids without them knowing you were in so much pain. Stay busy and let the anger come in waves. Don't fight it and remain productive with anything you have to do. This is painful but it'll pass. You've made the decision to divorce him. Discuss with your lawyer any issues that come up and gain advice from your lawyer regarding anything to do with the divorce. Emotionally distance yourself and stay busy. Focus on your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 22, 2022 Author Share Posted July 22, 2022 (edited) I thought I’d come back with an update now that time has passed. STBX didn’t really mention divorce filing. We had to go out together for daughters new school events and it felt like a “date” he started pursuing me after this. Asking to go out with just he and I and I had drunken sex with him one of these nights. The next few days he was so romantic and loving. I didn’t feel right knowing he was texting ex so I firmly asked that he stopped pursuing me. He kept saying he loved me and forgive him and asked that we remain cordial to coparent. I’ve been staying at my parents and trying to limit contact. He still calls me about our kid and calls me honey and tells me his whereabouts in conversation. He offered to have my tires rotated when he overheard a conversation with a friend. I really want my family to work and I do not want this divorce. I don’t show him in anyway but the small affection he gives has me missing him. Do you think it’s guilt or ambivalence that has him asking to do kind gestures for me? If it’s ambivalence and there’s a small chance, I’d love to try to give our marriage another try. Am I being crazy here? Edited July 22, 2022 by Sleeplessbark Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 I'm not going to advise you to divorce, particularly given e.g. all the financial impact, but given what you were describing earlier and the amount of distress it's caused you I think you should think very long and hard indeed about whether to return to this. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 This is a dangerous game the two of you are playing… Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 (edited) My therapist believes I’m in a trauma bond with a narcissist. I keep asking to return to a person who is emotionally abusing me with no accountability. I’m working with him (therapist) to break this cycle but it’s been so hard. Almost like an addiction. I had suicidal ideations this week after asking that he give the marriage another chance. He said no and blamed me for everything after confronting him about messages. I’ve removed myself from the home temporarily but the reality of not seeing my daughters everyday is killing me. I will continue therapy. Edited July 23, 2022 by Sleeplessbark Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleeplessbark Posted July 23, 2022 Author Share Posted July 23, 2022 12 hours ago, BaileyB said: This is a dangerous game the two of you are playing… I agree. I know better. I entered the depression stage and had a moment of weakness when he was expressing interest. The toxic behavior of him calling me honey and small bouts of affection is what my therapist says the narcissistic does to keep me holding on while moving away. I’ve since taken steps to stop the games. I know I will have times that I may relapse but for now I’m standing strong. At least from the outside. Link to post Share on other sites
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