After one week of no contact.

[Jessica Marie]

After one week of no contact I reached out and he was a completely different guy. He was cold and distant. The whole reason we didn’t contact for a week was because we had an argument. I cared a lot for this guy and I thought he cared about me. We’ve been talking for two years…is it possible for someone to change their feeling about someone so quickly? 
 

His responses were so rude and cold.

[basil67]

I'm sorry this happened to you.  But yes, if the argument was bad enough, it likely gave him a lightbulb moment of clarity that he never wishes to speak with you again.  You don't say what happened, but it sounds like words were spoken which can never be unsaid.  And if his words to you were equally upsetting, remember that this is not how two people who care about each other behave. 

The fact that neither of you reached out within a whole week speaks volumes as to how bad this was.   

 

Edited July 5, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jessica Marie said:

 The whole reason we didn’t contact for a week was because we had an argument.

Sorry this happened. Have you met in person? Are you dating or friends?

What was the argument about?  Just step back if he's being rude.

[Jessica Marie]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Have you met in person? Are you dating or friends?

What was the argument about?  Just step back if he's being rude.

We are friends but we were planning to date each other but he was always constantly busy with school and his part time jobs (2). He’s majoring in engineering and he says it’s really hard. I’m not sure how difficult this subject is but sometimes he won’t message for a couple of days and I personally think it’s not hard to send one little message. The argument was about him not having time to send me a small message. I wish I could tell you the whole story but.. he always tells me I like you, I love you, and he misses me but he doesn’t show it. After this argument it was unusual to not hear from him. He received a bad test score and blamed it on me. Saying that during the week we didn’t talk his test scores have been better. 

[NuevoYorko]

You've been talking for 2 years - how much time have you actually spent with him in person?    What kind of relationship do / did you have in real life?  

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said:

. Saying that during the week we didn’t talk his test scores have been better. 

Have you met in person? He seems stressed and needs to maintain his grades. Therefore he didn't "blame" you for not doing well, he's been trying to tell you he can't message as much. Step back. If he needs to focus on school, don't pester him for communication. Let the dust settle.

[Jessica Marie]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? He seems stressed and needs to maintain his grades. Therefore he didn't "blame" you for not doing well, he's been trying to tell you he can't message as much. Step back. If he needs to focus on school, don't pester him for communication. Let the dust settle.

In real life we spent about two in a two months span. Only Getting to know each other in person but nothing physically. We went out to to have coffee and lunch but he wasn’t going to school at that point. Now he started school it became hard to meet him. 
 

i say friends but he always wanted to hold hands and be close.

[Jessica Marie]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? He seems stressed and needs to maintain his grades. Therefore he didn't "blame" you for not doing well, he's been trying to tell you he can't message as much. Step back. If he needs to focus on school, don't pester him for communication. Let the dust settle.

Yes we had.

I feel I already screwed up my chances…. He sent me a long ride message the day I contacted him after a week.

 

“As I said I don’t have any time for anything. I can’t like you the way you want me to. I like you as a friend. You want me to message you every few hours that is crazy. I’m texting you rn because I’m at a break on my job. I don’t care if I you trust me or not. I need to care about myself. My school is my first priority. You’re the last priority. So you can’t force me to talk to you. Idk but everything about me is my priorities. So I don’t care about anyone else but me. I wouldn’t message you if I was at home now. I’m messaging you coz I’m on my break rn. I have no idea why you’re trying to hold on to me when I’m acting like this. I’m not capable of doing things for others. I need to take care of myself.”

 

is what he said…

 

[Jessica Marie]

14 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You've been talking for 2 years - how much time have you actually spent with him in person?    What kind of relationship do / did you have in real life?  

In real life we spent about two in a two months span. Only Getting to know each other in person but nothing physically. We went out to to have coffee and lunch but he wasn’t going to school at that point. Now he started school it became hard to meet him. 
 

i say friends but he always wanted to hold hands and be close

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said:

 We went out to to have coffee and lunch but he wasn’t going to school at that point. Now he started school it became hard to meet him. 

Ok, after a couple of dates, it seems he's too busy with school for a lot of texting. Just give some space.

[basil67]

47 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said:

“As I said I don’t have any time for anything. I can’t like you the way you want me to. I like you as a friend. You want me to message you every few hours that is crazy. I’m texting you rn because I’m at a break on my job. I don’t care if I you trust me or not. I need to care about myself. My school is my first priority. You’re the last priority. So you can’t force me to talk to you. Idk but everything about me is my priorities. So I don’t care about anyone else but me. I wouldn’t message you if I was at home now. I’m messaging you coz I’m on my break rn. I have no idea why you’re trying to hold on to me when I’m acting like this. I’m not capable of doing things for others. I need to take care of myself.”

is what he said…

 

Wow.  This is worded rudely but sounds like the voice of someone who's completely overwhelmed and exasperated that you didn't understand him.  Like he's trying to slam his point home to be understood.

What actually got said a week ago?  Had you said you want more and he let you know that he doesn't have time for that?   If so, how did it escalate into an argument? 

Edited July 5, 2022 by basil67

[Jessica Marie]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Wow.  This is worded rudely but sounds like the voice of someone who's completely overwhelmed and exasperated that you didn't understand him.  Like he's trying to slam his point home to be understood.

What actually got said a week ago?  Had you said you want more and he let you know that he doesn't have time for that?   If so, how did it escalate into an argument? 

Well before the week we didn’t talk to each other he told me he felt he didn’t do good on an exam. We had an argument after that about the texting matter then after that we didn’t speak to each other for a week and I think he received his test score back during the week we didn’t talk. When I contacted him after the week he messaged me that.

 

he would always disappear on Thursday -Saturday. And I got suspicious…. I know it sounds but but I couldn’t help myself.

Edited July 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
duplicate post

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jessica Marie said:

He would always disappear on Thursday -Saturday. And I got suspicious…

His message is saying loud and clear that he doesn't have time for texting and doesn't want to be text-tethered.

Do you work? Go to school? Do you have local friends and family you can talk to and spend time with?

He's too busy right now,so you'll have to step back and not suffocate him.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, get a second job. Make some new friends and talk to other people.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available interested men for a brief coffee or drink.

Expand your horizons.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Jessica Marie said:

Well before the week we didn’t talk to each other he told me he felt he didn’t do good on an exam. We had an argument after that about the texting matter then after that we didn’t speak to each other for a week and I think he received his test score back during the week we didn’t talk. When I contacted him after the week he messaged me that.

he would always disappear on Thursday -Saturday. And I got suspicious…. I know it sounds but but I couldn’t help myself.

You had an argument with a guy (who's not your boyfriend) about how often he texts you just after he told you that he was feeling bad about the exam?   Yes, it all sounds very bad.  

Our friends fit us into our lives when they can.  Sometimes we hear from them a lot...sometimes they are busy doing other things...these are just the ebbs and flows of friendships.  Pushing too hard, being needy, being 'suspicious' are all inappropriate reactions in a friendship.  As is having an actual argument over the amount of contact you receive.  That's really uncool.

It's important to be able to share out friends with the other things which fit in their lives.   It's too late for this guy now - he's seen your approach and it's turned him right off having you as a friend. But hopefully you can learn from it and not make the same mistake again.

[Jessica Marie]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You had an argument with a guy (who's not your boyfriend) about how often he texts you just after he told you that he was feeling bad about the exam?   Yes, it all sounds very bad.  

Our friends fit us into our lives when they can.  Sometimes we hear from them a lot...sometimes they are busy doing other things...these are just the ebbs and flows of friendships.  Pushing too hard, being needy, being 'suspicious' are all inappropriate reactions in a friendship.  As is having an actual argument over the amount of contact you receive.  That's really uncool.

It's important to be able to share out friends with the other things which fit in their lives.   It's too late for this guy now - he's seen your approach and it's turned him right off having you as a friend. But hopefully you can learn from it and not make the same mistake again.

He wanted to date me but I wasn’t so sure because of how absence he was just being as friends I just wasn’t sure if he was serious or just wanted to play games. 

Edited July 5, 2022 by Jessica Marie

[Jessica Marie]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

His message is saying loud and clear that he doesn't have time for texting and doesn't want to be text-tethered.

Do you work? Go to school? Do you have local friends and family you can talk to and spend time with?

He's too busy right now,so you'll have to step back and not suffocate him.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, get a second job. Make some new friends and talk to other people.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available interested men for a brief coffee or drink.

Expand your horizons.

Are you saying to not waste time on him anymore?

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said:

 to not waste time on him anymore?

He's telling you he wants space, so all you can do is respect that.

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said:

He wanted to date me but I wasn’t so sure because of how absence he was just being as friends I just wasn’t sure if he was serious or just wanted to play games. 

So how did this end up in an argument which was so bad that it led to him not being interested in speaking with you again?  

[Jessica Marie]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's telling you he wants space, so all you can do is respect that.

I have been. 

I was just wondering if it’s possible to completely lose feelings.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Jessica Marie said:

he would always disappear on Thursday -Saturday. And I got suspicious…. I know it sounds but but I couldn’t help myself.

Jessica, you are not actually in a relationship with this man. After two years, I would expect that if he was interested this relationship would have progressed past “holding hands” and “talking.”

You were suspicious and perhaps a bit jealous, but you have no right to be because you are not actually in an exclusive “dating” relationship with this man.

My question for you is why are you wasting your time on a man who has not decided in the past two years to date you properly? Sure, school is important and should be prioritized, but many people study and have relationships. And, why are you wanting to be with a man who doesn’t communicate consistently with you/gives you the silent treatment when he is upset. 

This doesn’t sound good or healthy for you, I’m afraid. I would encourage you to see this as a friendship and look for someone else to “date.” 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Jessica Marie said:

I just wasn’t sure if he was serious or just wanted to play games. 

If he hasn’t taken you on a proper date, kissed you, and spent more time with you in two years - this isn’t serious. I don’t know if I would say he is “playing games” but he has established a pretty firm boundary here that keeps you at a distance, waiting… I would not be ok with that after two years. I would be looking for someone else who clearly wants to date! 

Edited July 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

3 hours ago, Jessica Marie said:

I have been. 

I was just wondering if it’s possible to completely lose feelings.

Given how he spoke/wrote to you, yes, it is possible he lost feelings for you especially if your expectations don’t match. 

My guess is he doesn’t respect you at all and may even think you’re a pest or bothersome. You don’t seem to grasp his workload or disagree with the way he communicates with you.

You’ll have to respect what he’s saying and drop the idea of dating right now. If he says nonsense like he loves or likes you can tell him to stop if you don’t appreciate it or ignore it. He seems to like to flirt but this has no substance at all.

Edited July 5, 2022 by glows

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Jessica Marie said:

“As I said I don’t have any time for anything. I can’t like you the way you want me to. I like you as a friend. You want me to message you every few hours that is crazy. I’m texting you rn because I’m at a break on my job. I don’t care if I you trust me or not. I need to care about myself. My school is my first priority. You’re the last priority. So you can’t force me to talk to you. Idk but everything about me is my priorities. So I don’t care about anyone else but me. I wouldn’t message you if I was at home now. I’m messaging you coz I’m on my break rn. I have no idea why you’re trying to hold on to me when I’m acting like this. I’m not capable of doing things for others. I need to take care of myself.”

 

He couldn't be more clear that he has no interest in you and to leave him alone.  It sounds like he's exasperated from trying to get this message through to you and you're still not getting it.  He says you are his last priority.  That means he barely gives you a thought.  Stop trying to force him to talk to you.   He's said everything about him is "his" priorities, which means if he wanted you he'd pursue you.  Stop chasing this guy or you're going to make him dislike you more than he does now.

[Jessica Marie]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Jessica, you are not actually in a relationship with this man. After two years, I would expect that if he was interested this relationship would have progressed past “holding hands” and “talking.”

You were suspicious and perhaps a bit jealous, but you have no right to be because you are not actually in an exclusive “dating” relationship with this man.

My question for you is why are you wasting your time on a man who has not decided in the past two years to date you properly? Sure, school is important and should be prioritized, but many people study and have relationships. And, why are you wanting to be with a man who doesn’t communicate consistently with you/gives you the silent treatment when he is upset. 

This doesn’t sound good or healthy for you, I’m afraid. I would encourage you to see this as a friendship and look for someone else to “date.” 

Hello,

we met online two years ago. We lived in different countries. I lived in Korea and he lived in Japan. I was planning to move to Japan but due to COVID it was hard. I wanted have dates online but he didn’t want to until we met in person. After one year I finally moved to Japan but he still lived on a different part of Japan so after one another year he finally moved to my city. After two years we finally met. We’ve met about 9x out of the two months he’s been in my city. He was busy moving and getting settled in his new university with his mom so he couldn’t see me as much as he wanted to before school started. I learned Japan doesn’t have a dating phase like Americans do… dating is boyfriend and girlfriend. He wanted to date me but if dating meant boyfriend and girlfriend I wanted to make sure he wasn’t playing games because even during the year I was In japan his messages were sporadic. I kinda assumed he probably has someone in his city that’s why he never wanted to date me. 

Edited July 5, 2022 by Jessica Marie

[Jessica Marie]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

He couldn't be more clear that he has no interest in you and to leave him alone.  It sounds like he's exasperated from trying to get this message through to you and you're still not getting it.  He says you are his last priority.  That means he barely gives you a thought.  Stop trying to force him to talk to you.   He's said everything about him is "his" priorities, which means if he wanted you he'd pursue you.  Stop chasing this guy or you're going to make him dislike you more than he does now.

I know how it sounds. I can’t really give the full details or you’ll be reading a novel. It sounds like I’m super bothering this guy for him to say things this way. I’ve been attacked by people on the internet saying not to bother him. He has a bad temper and comes off really rude. I’ve only asked him twice if he could message me a little more before becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. In his culture there is no dating culture, it’s just full on relationship. I just wanted to feel closer to him. Ever since he started school I only saw him once a month. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t playing with me.