basil67 Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said: I’ve only asked him twice if he could message me a little more before becoming girlfriend and boyfriend You described your previous interaction as "an argument"....and given the strength of his reaction and a week of no contact.... it sounds like you're trying to change the story Edited July 5, 2022 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: You described your previous interaction as "an argument"....and given the strength of his reaction and a week of no contact.... it sounds like you're trying to change the story I feel attacked by you. Can you stop attacking me. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 I'm not attacking you. Thing is, I'd like to help but we can't give accurate advice if your recount has conflicting parts. Politely asking for more contact isn't an argument and should not lead to the two of you not speaking for a week. Did something else happen which caused the argument? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 (edited) 50 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said: we met online two years ago. We lived in different countries. I lived in Korea and he lived in Japan. I was planning to move to Japan but due to COVID it was hard. I wanted have dates online but he didn’t want to until we met in person. After one year I finally moved to Japan but he still lived on a different part of Japan so after one another year he finally moved to my city. After two years we finally met. We’ve met about 9x out of the two months he’s been in my city. He was busy moving and getting settled in his new university with his mom so he couldn’t see me as much as he wanted to before school started. That makes me sense. Thank you for the clarification. Edited July 5, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 26 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said: I know how it sounds. I can’t really give the full details or you’ll be reading a novel. It sounds like I’m super bothering this guy for him to say things this way. I’ve been attacked by people on the internet saying not to bother him. He has a bad temper and comes off really rude. I’ve only asked him twice if he could message me a little more before becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. In his culture there is no dating culture, it’s just full on relationship. I just wanted to feel closer to him. Ever since he started school I only saw him once a month. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t playing with me. Darling whatever the full details are the bottom line is a man does not say those thiings to a woman he wants to be with now or in the future. He hasn't taken you out on a proper date or even kissed you. So what if his mom helped him get settled in college, that doesn't take long. As a young man he would be anxious to see you and spend alone time with you if he were truly interested. 16 hours ago, Jessica Marie said: “As I said I don’t have any time for anything. I can’t like you the way you want me to. I like you as a friend. You want me to message you every few hours that is crazy. I’m texting you rn because I’m at a break on my job. I don’t care if I you trust me or not. I need to care about myself. My school is my first priority. You’re the last priority. So you can’t force me to talk to you. Idk but everything about me is my priorities. So I don’t care about anyone else but me. I wouldn’t message you if I was at home now. I’m messaging you coz I’m on my break rn. I have no idea why you’re trying to hold on to me when I’m acting like this. I’m not capable of doing things for others. I need to take care of myself.” The sentences I have bolded above you need to read and read again. Don't ever as a young lady beg a man to talk to you who has said these things to you. This text of his is telling you to leave him alone and don't contact him again. I hope you see this before he gets even more rude to you and embarrasses you publicly. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 19 minutes ago, basil67 said: I'm not attacking you. Thing is, I'd like to help but we can't give accurate advice if your recount has conflicting parts. Politely asking for more contact isn't an argument and should not lead to the two of you not speaking for a week. Did something else happen which caused the argument? Because I didn’t want the focus to become something else. I just wanted to know if it’s possible to lose feelings so quickly. Asking politely shouldn’t had been an argument but he has a bad temper… he became angry that I asked for more time. We didn’t talk for a week… idk why we didn’t talk for a week….he said he got his test scores back after the week we didn’t talk and he said he didn’t do well and that he has to get 100% on all his tests so he won’t fail his university… i don’t want anyone to think badly of him… I don’t want to hear he’s not good for me… I just wanted to know if he truly lost feeling for me or is it because he needs time to really study… Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 18 minutes ago, BaileyB said: That makes me sense. Thank you for the clarification. I think this is a cultural difference. If he wanted to date, I would have a discussion about whether he is dating other women and if he says that he is not, I would give it a try. That’s how you learn whether he is interested and a compatible boyfriend for you, by spending more time together and exploring the possibilities of the relationship. Is it too late to have that discussion? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 30 minutes ago, stillafool said: Darling whatever the full details are the bottom line is a man does not say those thiings to a woman he wants to be with now or in the future. He hasn't taken you out on a proper date or even kissed you. So what if his mom helped him get settled in college, that doesn't take long. As a young man he would be anxious to see you and spend alone time with you if he were truly interested. The sentences I have bolded above you need to read and read again. Don't ever as a young lady beg a man to talk to you who has said these things to you. This text of his is telling you to leave him alone and don't contact him again. I hope you see this before he gets even more rude to you and embarrasses you publicly. I’m not texting him now but at the time of that message, when he said “I have no idea why you’re trying to hold on to me when I’m acting like this.” I thought he was purposely trying to get rid of me so I asked him and he said “no, I’m just being honest.” can I have your opinion on this? Wouldn’t you think this is a message to get rid of me? But he says no…. that entire block of text were put together. They were originally separated when they were sent to me but I thought it all sounded the same so I just made one big message out of it. They are in order from when he the first message he sent to the last. I didn’t ch age the order of it. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 21 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said: I don’t want to hear he’s not good for me… I just wanted to know if he truly lost feeling for me or is it because he needs time to really study… I know that isn't what you want to hear but someone has to tell you the truth so you don't make a fool of yourself. Why have you spent so much time on this one guy? You seem like a nice girl and if this guy doesn't want you and to make time for you why haven't you moved on to a new guy? Yes it does seem from his text that he has lost even friendship feelings for you and wants you to leave him alone. He was very clear in what he said and his words didn't seem to be motivated by a bad temper but his truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 He expressed himself pretty clearly. And while that can come across as rude to some, you can also say to yourself “well thank you I’m glad I’m not wasting anymore time because there is no point”. You definitely shouldn’t waste any more time on him at this point – because there’s no point. The only thing that can turn this around is if he changes his mind. And even then it’s difficult because it was a very harsh message. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 6 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said: Quote I’m not texting him now but at the time of that message, when he said “I have no idea why you’re trying to hold on to me when I’m acting like this.” I thought he was purposely trying to get rid of me so I asked him and he said “no, I’m just being honest.” can I have your opinion on this? Wouldn’t you think this is a message to get rid of me? But he says no…. Yes he was trying to get rid of you. It's very obvious from his words and then you asked him again and he told you "no, I'm just being honest." He's being honest when he says he doesn't have any idea why you're trying to hold onto him after he's been so rude to you. Boys don't want girls to be a doormat and let them treat them badly. That is why he's saying what he said. He can't believe you're still sticking around after the way he treats you and he backed it up with "I'm being honest." The only word you heard was the "no" and that is not what he meant but the only word you chose to hear. that entire block of text were put together. They were originally separated when they were sent to me but I thought it all sounded the same so I just made one big message out of it. They are in order from when he the first message he sent to the last. I didn’t ch age the order of it. It was awful and he sounded like this wasn't his first conversation with you on this matter and he's fed up. Again, you deserve better and need to start dating other guys because this one is not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 6, 2022 Author Share Posted July 6, 2022 19 minutes ago, stillafool said: I know that isn't what you want to hear but someone has to tell you the truth so you don't make a fool of yourself. Why have you spent so much time on this one guy? You seem like a nice girl and if this guy doesn't want you and to make time for you why haven't you moved on to a new guy? Yes it does seem from his text that he has lost even friendship feelings for you and wants you to leave him alone. He was very clear in what he said and his words didn't seem to be motivated by a bad temper but his truth. It was only two months. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 2 hours ago, Jessica Marie said: Because I didn’t want the focus to become something else. I just wanted to know if it’s possible to lose feelings so quickly. Asking politely shouldn’t had been an argument but he has a bad temper… he became angry that I asked for more time. We didn’t talk for a week… idk why we didn’t talk for a week….he said he got his test scores back after the week we didn’t talk and he said he didn’t do well and that he has to get 100% on all his tests so he won’t fail his university… i don’t want anyone to think badly of him… I don’t want to hear he’s not good for me… I just wanted to know if he truly lost feeling for me or is it because he needs time to really study… Yes, it is possible to lose feelings quickly. You're right that asking politely shouldn't have been an argument. Assuming that his explosive reaction was a direct response to you politely asking for more time, this is exactly the type of behaviour which should make you lose feelings in an instant. Like flicking a light switch off. "Like an OMG, this guy is scary and not the kind of man I wish to be involved with! kind of reaction." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 6, 2022 Author Share Posted July 6, 2022 11 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yes, it is possible to lose feelings quickly. You're right that asking politely shouldn't have been an argument. Assuming that his explosive reaction was a direct response to you politely asking for more time, this is exactly the type of behaviour which should make you lose feelings in an instant. Like flicking a light switch off. "Like an OMG, this guy is scary and not the kind of man I wish to be involved with! kind of reaction." I know… but I haven’t so I’m guessing this is why I find it so surprising that he was able to lose feelings for me just because I asked for some more time. I felt I did nothing wrong by asking… I didn’t force him I just asked.. i should had lost feelings… Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 1 minute ago, Jessica Marie said: I know… but I haven’t so I’m guessing this is why I find it so surprising that he was able to lose feelings for me just because I asked for some more time. I felt I did nothing wrong by asking… I didn’t force him I just asked.. i should had lost feelings… I suspect that he was already having doubts and asking for more time just made him realise that he needed to end it Please do spend a bit of time thinking about why his temper wasn't a dealbreaker for you. Thing is, this was a huge warning of him being verbally abusive, and being able to recognise the abuse and walk away is important if you want to keep yourself safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 6, 2022 Author Share Posted July 6, 2022 (edited) 28 minutes ago, basil67 said: I suspect that he was already having doubts and asking for more time just made him realise that he needed to end it Please do spend a bit of time thinking about why his temper wasn't a dealbreaker for you. Thing is, this was a huge warning of him being verbally abusive, and being able to recognise the abuse and walk away is important if you want to keep yourself safe. I wish I could tell you all the comments he said to me. im trying to be strong and recognize that my life can be happier without his verbal abuse…. I guess I just need more time. thank you though, I was surprised you found out he is verbally abusive. I’d don’t want anyone to know but I always came off as the terrible person who seemed as though I bothered him…. But I never really asked for too much. Edited July 6, 2022 by Jessica Marie Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 Yes, you need to stop wasting your time on him. He's clearly not interested in the same way anymore and wants you to leave him alone. So his feelings didn't change overnight; he simply no longer had those feelings and realized he needed to be very clear that there is no future with you two. You would be wise to cut all contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 11 hours ago, Jessica Marie said: thank you though, I was surprised you found out he is verbally abusive. I’d don’t want anyone to know but I always came off as the terrible person who seemed as though I bothered him…. But I never really asked for too much. This was too easy to recognize because of the words in those texts and you continually saying he has a bad temper. Why didn't you recognize this about him instead of labeling yourself the terrible person? In my opinion you're treating yourself worse than he is by not leaving this guy alone and realizing you deserve more than to be constantly rejected and verbally abused by a guy. Think higher or yourself and then boys will too. After all that has been said on this thread you still respond: 11 hours ago, Jessica Marie said: I'm trying to be strong and recognize that my life can be happier without his verbal abuse…. I guess I just need more time. Were you ever happy in this acquaintance? It wasn't a relationship because he never dated you or even kissed you. That is probably why he said "I have no idea why you're trying to hold onto me" because he knows he's done nothing to warrant it. There were no "feelings" that he lost for you. You've got to get this through your head so you can move on. You will find a nice boyfriend; but this one doesn't want to be your boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 6, 2022 Author Share Posted July 6, 2022 3 hours ago, stillafool said: This was too easy to recognize because of the words in those texts and you continually saying he has a bad temper. Why didn't you recognize this about him instead of labeling yourself the terrible person? In my opinion you're treating yourself worse than he is by not leaving this guy alone and realizing you deserve more than to be constantly rejected and verbally abused by a guy. Think higher or yourself and then boys will too. After all that has been said on this thread you still respond: Were you ever happy in this acquaintance? It wasn't a relationship because he never dated you or even kissed you. That is probably why he said "I have no idea why you're trying to hold onto me" because he knows he's done nothing to warrant it. There were no "feelings" that he lost for you. You've got to get this through your head so you can move on. You will find a nice boyfriend; but this one doesn't want to be your boyfriend. I never said he didn’t try and kiss me. I didn’t think that matter. Does it even change if he did try or not? Because he did. Thank you for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 6, 2022 Share Posted July 6, 2022 5 minutes ago, Jessica Marie said: I never said he didn’t try and kiss me. I didn’t think that matter. Does it even change if he did try or not? Because he did. Thank you for your advice. Did he kiss you and did he take you out on a dates? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 6, 2022 Author Share Posted July 6, 2022 8 minutes ago, stillafool said: Did he kiss you and did he take you out on a dates? When he just moved to my city he was with his mom. His mom stayed with him for awhile, we met but we couldn’t meet long because he had to be with his mom. So sometimes we met for like an hour or two. He just moved and spent money of new furniture so he couldn’t afford to take me on a date. He then started work but at the same time he is going to school. I’m working too. I didn’t mind the messaging but I wanted to hear more from him before actually being in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 I think it no longer matters if he tried to kiss you or take out. The present situation is that he doesn't want what you want anymore, and it's best cut all communication. His actions suggest he has largely lost interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 7, 2022 Author Share Posted July 7, 2022 14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think it no longer matters if he tried to kiss you or take out. The present situation is that he doesn't want what you want anymore, and it's best cut all communication. His actions suggest he has largely lost interest. I don’t think there’s no reason to cut all communication with him. He never said to never talk to him again. Idk why people suggest that. All I asked was if it was possible to lose feelings that quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 Just now, Jessica Marie said: I don’t think there’s no reason to cut all communication with him. He never said to never talk to him again. Idk why people suggest that. Because it is obviously hurting you to be in contact with him when he's not interested in dating you any longer. It's for your own good. How will you feel when you someday learn he's got a girlfriend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica Marie Posted July 7, 2022 Author Share Posted July 7, 2022 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: Because it is obviously hurting you to be in contact with him when he's not interested in dating you any longer. It's for your own good. How will you feel when you someday learn he's got a girlfriend? Okay thank you for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
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