How do you break up with a good guy?

[meggyb]

My boyfriend (34) and I (29) have been together for 6 years now. We recently moved in together (about 8 months ago).

When I told you he was a good guy, I meant it. Well, he does the bare minimum, at least — doesn't cheat on me, makes me feel loved & appreciated, etc. Now, here's the part where I tell you what the deal-breaker has been for me...

He doesn't take care of himself. He seems like he isn't serious about his future. He settles with this mediocre job and barely makes anything. He smokes nonstop. We don't have sex (for more than a year now). He eats like s*** and doesn't want to exercise. And, I am no longer physically — even sexually attracted to him.

You can tell me I'm being unfair with these reasons, but when you're getting older, you realize that you should have a partner who shares the same values as you.

I've had thoughts of cheating, and I no longer imagine my future with him.

I came from a very messed up family, so when his family showed me how loved I am, they became part of my life and one of the reasons why I'm having a hard time breaking it off with their son/brother.

And... the fact that we moved to a new city away from everyone makes me want to throw up. I was the one who told him to move to this city. If we broke up, I plan on staying, but he, for sure, will definitely go back to the city where we came from.

I have this constant fantasy of being with someone else. Someone who takes care of himself and works hard for his/our future. I feel like I have long been done with our relationship. It's just the fact that he still tries to work it out with me that's holding me down... and the familiarity, god, it's been 6 years that I've been with this guy.

What do you think I should do? Would I be okay? Would he be okay if we broke up? Is it selfish and unfair for wanting more/better for myself?

I need your opinions, friends. I've been so depressed just thinking about pushing through this breakup with him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, meggyb said:

My boyfriend (34) and I (29) have been together for 6 years now. We recently moved in together about 8 months ago.

I am no longer physically — even sexually attracted to him.

Sorry this is happening. How much longer on your lease? Clearly you are unhappy and it's not working out. He may be a nice guy but you're incompatible and getting on each other's nerves.

Do you both have jobs in this new city? Sadly there doesn't seem to be much of a future here.

Be kind and set him free. Don't use anyone as a security blanket and cheat. You'll both be happier apart rather than seething with contempt and resentment.

Just figure out the legalities and logistics of moving out.

[salparadise]

Having no sex life and losing attraction would be enough justification for most people, male or female. This is why we date –– to determine suitability in choosing someone as a life partner. It's sounds like you checked out sometime ago and just haven't taken the initiative to leave... or boot him out, as you say you intend to do.

So, I assume then that you are ambitious, climbing the career ladder, making more money, leading a healthy lifestyle... or is that separate from what you expect from him?

[stillafool]

Let him go.  You guys seem toxic to each other.  I think both of your lives will improve if you part.  Do it because it's pass time for that.

[glows]

It sounds like you're afraid to be isolated and need a support system more than anything. His family offers that for you but it comes with a dysfunctional, sexless and uninspiring relationship. You have ties to a support system that asks more out of you than you're willing to give anymore. 

Please do not trade your peace of mind and happiness in a relationship for a mediocre support network. Find the appropriate support systems through your own interests, seek mental health support and see your doctor for any help or referrals regarding therapy and work on yourself. 

It's not selfish to walk away from a relationship that no longer works for you. You are not responsible for him. Do not behave like his parent. You owe his family also nothing. Take care of yourself and start putting your health and wellbeing first.

[ShyViolet]

Your reasons are not selfish or unfair at all.  These are very legitimate reasons.  This relationship sounds completely dead, and him being a "nice guy" isn't anywhere near enough reason to stay with him.  His family being nice to you isn't remotely a reason to stay with him.  You need to stop wasting any more time in this miserable relationship.  He will be ok and figure things out.  Breakups happen to the best of us and they are part of life.  What he does after the breakup, whether he moves back home, is not your problem.