Son vs Partner

[DirtriderJohn]

I am previously married for 26 years, and just over 2 years ago I met a new partner who is 19 years younger than me.

Admittedly we got together quite quickly, 4 months after my ex asked for a divorce and after she issued me with the papers, but the relationship was very strong. My 2 sons are 18 and when we split we agreed I keep the family home and I look after 1 teenager who was autistic, my wife moved out and i looked after the other.

I fell in love with my new partner and after 18 months i asked her to move in with me. However, the relationship between my partner and my son isn't good.

She moved in on the agreement that the home styling is changed and she wants it to be her home as well. There was too much weed smoking which we banned on the property. I agreed these and made this clear to my son. However, we do like an occasional party, which is very much to the annoyance of my son who does not drink. My son also claims to have over heard my partner making excessive claims on me, eg asking to be put on my will. My son admits he doesn't like her and believes that she isn't genuine.

The relationship has reached a crisis point in that quite reasonably my partner claims she cannot live in a home where she is hated. I am asking my son to try and work at it but even having the conversation stresses him out and he says he agrees to try to be civil but cannot claim to like her..  In a recent agitated conversation my son indicated he might "smash up some ornaments....", i am more familiar with my sons dramatic autistic statements, my partner is not. Now, my partner is unwilling to live in a house where she is disliked and says she doesn't feel safe around my son.

Fortunately, i am going away for 2 weeks with my other son and we have agreed my autistic son moves in with his mother for the next 2 weeks. When we return, we can see how the situation is, but I am guessing my son will agree to "be civil" but won't claim to like her and my partner won't accept this and insist he doesn't move back in.

My other son may agree to swap with his brother, with me very concerned that breaks my relationship with my son, with me choosing my partner over him. If my other son doesn't agree to swap, I won't have either son with me, leaving my heart truly broken.

Do I reject my partners decision and live with my son and him being "civil", and I suspect she will move out and to what I suspect will be the breakup of the relationship.

At the moment i am unsure what to do, but i am considering working with my son and risk a potential relationship breakup. Part of the reason is I am concerned that my new partner is pushing the relationship faster to a permanent thing than I am comfortable with. Discussion on marriage and wills are being tabled and I feel very uncomfortable changing them at this time. Am I being unreasonable and am i scared of commitment?

Interested to hear peoples opinions.

[mark clemson]

If nothing changes, there may not be much you can do except to strive to keep the relationship going while not living together. Some situations defy easy solutions, unfortunately.

My other piece of advice would be to NOT let your new partner sway you into disinheriting your son. Possibly a 50/50 split if that makes sense to you. Also make sure you decide what will be done with the house in an inheritance situation. It's unlikely either one would be happy with sharing it.

I personally know multiple adults where a person/family member charged to be an executor or trustee has essentially abused the trust placed in them and tried to spin things in an inheritance to their advantage. We also get posts about this topic here once in a while. Particularly with an ASD son, I'd suggest you work with a lawyer to be very deliberate/specific in setting up your will or trust and make it non-generic to ensure they don't leave any loopholes or ambiguity about what you want done, e.g. no "cash in lieu of the house" or similar possibilities. An experienced estate lawyer in your jurisdiction should be able to help you with this.

[vla1120]

On 7/5/2022 at 4:10 AM, DirtriderJohn said:

At the moment i am unsure what to do, but i am considering working with my son and risk a potential relationship breakup. Part of the reason is I am concerned that my new partner is pushing the relationship faster to a permanent thing than I am comfortable with. Discussion on marriage and wills are being tabled and I feel very uncomfortable changing them at this time. Am I being unreasonable and am i scared of commitment?

Interested to hear peoples opinions.

It sounds like your new partner is a bit overbearing, honestly. She comes into your home (and your son's home) and makes demands for change. That is not only your home, but it's your son's home, too - more so than it is your new partner's home. I'd be quite wary of a new partner coming in and disrupting your life and your son's life, and putting demands on being included in your will, etc. 

IMO, your autistic son needs to come first. If the new partner can't deal with that, then they can't live there. Also, you were okay with your son using marijuana, but changed the rules on him because of your new partner? While some look down on the use of marijuana, it's been proven time and again that the use of marijuana is beneficial for some. Is your son one of those people who benefit from marijuana? Who is your new partner to take that away from him? 

I can give you personal examples of two similar scenarios:

1. After I divorced my husband of 32 years, I married a man who my daughters disliked and who tried to isolate me from them, constantly criticized them, etc. The moment I felt he was forcing me to choose between him and my daughters, I left him. He was terminally ill, and I remained involved with him until the end, BUT, I could not live with him, and I kept him separate from my daughters. I chose my daughters and our relationship is strong and healthy today because of that.

2. My first husband became involved with a woman when we separated. She is very controlling and would not allow him to see our daughters without her, she is basically a female version of my second husband - controlling and isolating him from his daughters. The difference is, he chose her. He married her recently and our daughters found out from Facebook. He is now estranged from our daughters, and has been for over a year. 

Which scenario will you choose? 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/5/2022 at 4:10 AM, DirtriderJohn said:

my partner claims she cannot live in a home where she is hated.

Too much too soon. Your GF needs to move out. Your son seems to have his limitations and she can not deal with that. Keep focusing on the good co-parenting. 

Edited July 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[DirtriderJohn]

Thanks for all your thoughtful responses. I have made a decision and came down on my sons side. I made it clear it is  his home and always will be and I would never force him out. I also made this clear to my partner, who was upset that my children will always come first. She is being more accepting of my decision and is taking the time to consider her options, which maybe involve her moving out. 

In my own peace of mind I feel I have made the right decision and feel comfortable with the consequences of my actions.

Regards

[FMW]

The 19 year age difference puts you at different points in your life, with different desires, expectations and responsibilities.  

Your girlfriend needs to accept you as she found you - which includes having your autistic son in your home.  If she can't do that, she's the one who needs to go.  

[glows]

She's unfortunately backed herself into such a corner where she's pitted herself against one of your family members, your son, and that's not a great start for any new partner. I agree the age difference would have likely contributed to your differences the most.

You'll want someone who supports and loves you and your family without having to keep taking center stage or point out everyone's flaws or create tensions in the family. It's too much too soon asking her to move in too early. It would particularly disturb me if I heard my child pass a comment that he didn't think my partner was genuine. That would cause me to pause quite a bit and I'm sorry you're so torn in this situation.

I think you made the right decision. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, DirtriderJohn said:

I also made this clear to my partner, who was upset that my children will always come first

She probably should have thought about this before dating someone with children. 

It might be better to part ways altogether. 

[BaileyB]

I also believe that the best decision for you would be to end the relationship.

That said, your son is an adult and at some point, you will want to look for another living situation for him. Perhaps he can live independently with support. Or perhaps, he will live in a group home. There are options and it would be nice to get him settled and living independently before you begin another relationship.

Unfortunately, I just think you found this relationship too soon - you had some things to settle before you were ready to move another woman into your the family home. She has now pitted herself against your son and that may well be to her own demise. I would also be concerned about her request that you add the woman to your will - 

Edited July 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lauriebell82]

I am divorced and have children. Always your kids come first!!! Especially if your girlfriend is forcing you into a situation where you to chose between her and your own child! That should never ever happen! As a parent myself I have a HUGE problem with that. 
 

I agree with some of the other posters who said let her move out, live apart and try to keep the relationship alive. Slow things down and be honest with your girlfriend that you arent ready for more at this time. If wants to be patient she can wait, if not she can move on. Dating after divorce is awfully tricky! 
 

My advice is move waaaayyyy slower with moving someone in! A committment of that nature often comes with more expectations (marriage, ect) and if you are not ready for it then wait until you are! 

[Lauriebell82]

I am divorced and have children. Always your kids come first!!! Especially if your girlfriend is forcing you into a situation where you to chose between her and your own child! That should never ever happen! As a parent myself I have a HUGE problem with that. 
 

I agree with some of the other posters who said let her move out, live apart and try to keep the relationship alive. Slow things down and be honest with your girlfriend that you arent ready for more at this time. If wants to be patient she can wait, if not she can move on. Dating after divorce is awfully tricky! 
 

My advice is move waaaayyyy slower with moving someone in! A committment of that nature often comes with more expectations (marriage, ect) and if you are not ready for it then wait until you are! 

[central]

IMO, once children are adults, your own relationships take priority over those with children.  You don't end familial relationships, but soon your sons will have their own and will have less to do with you - rightly so.  That said, a new gf should not cause any damage to those relationships - if so, she should go.

[Lauriebell82]

1 hour ago, central said:

IMO, once children are adults, your own relationships take priority over those with children.  You don't end familial relationships, but soon your sons will have their own and will have less to do with you - rightly so.  That said, a new gf should not cause any damage to those relationships - if so, she should go.

I would tend to agree with this..but in OP’s situation he has a special needs adult son who cannot live independently and this is an entirely different ball game. I agree..gf has to go given she obviously cannot handle these special circumstances.