Getting things back on track over long distance text/chats?

[RebirthTodd]

Hi all,

I have been reading a lot here as I try to figure out where I'm at and can identify with much of what I have read from people but I have only just joined. From what I see here (and am now experiencing for the first time) I feel like long-distance relationships can be tricky from a mental point of view - we get too much time to overthink things and can read so much into every change. But I'd love your specific advice if possible. 

Quick back story: I'm a divorcee who essentially now feels new to the dating game. And I certainly never dated in an age of texting and online. So I'm a bit behind here and have a lot to learn.

I met a woman at an event and we completely clicked, in a way I wasn't expecting. I liked her. She made it very clear that she liked me too and we spent a lot of time together over a few days and it was pretty wonderful. And then we had to go our separate ways to go home. Since then, we have had a couple of video calls but most of our communication is over text messaging. For the first month, we chatted on text quite a bit every one or two days, with a great back and forth and lots of heart and kissy emojis and so on. Both jumping in to contact each other at different times. Usually short, snappy, fun messages to each other and all very warm. About how our days were going, sometimes just silly stuff and so on. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I've felt I have started to lose her. And the reality is that we do live different lives in different places across awkward time zones so it's probably very easy to lose someone's interest in a scenario like this (and I feel that worry from some of the messages I have read here). Her communication has become more sporadic, much less back and forth and she might answer a message and then drop away for days and then come back saying she just got busy, which is fine I guess but I also know it only takes a few seconds to let someone know you're busy. The messages aren't as warm. So the messaging now looks completely unbalanced and I'm hitting a point where I feel I look needy messaging her. We were due to have a call, which she cancelled. 

So I feel like it's likely she is drifting away, has lost interest or is moving on and, if that's the case, I guess it is what it is and I would probably need to accept that.

But given where things were even just a few weeks ago (and the fact that I can't stop thinking about this person and she has totally got me now somehow), I'm wondering can I pull this back? Can I reignite the interest? And can that be done over long distance or through messaging? I have absolutely no doubt that she liked me strongly and we connected very quickly - that wasn't just me. But managing a new relationship over text is honestly not something I'm used to. So I did some reading and searching, which is what led me here, and I've seen a lot of articles on the subject. Many suggest pulling back and almost playing hard to get as if that might make her chase me - my concern there is that, if she is losing interest, I'm just letting that happen if I drop away. Or that it could look like I'm trying to punish her somehow, which would seem petty. And yet similar articles and discussions suggest I'm now at a point where I'll look really needy if I keep messaging her and the interest appears to have gone one-sided and that will kill it dead. So is there another option? Is it a situation that can be rescued in some way? 

Even as I write this, and having read posts here on the difficulties of long-distance relationships, I know it's probably going to be hard to give specific advice without seeing exactly how the communication went up to now but I'm asking anyway just in case. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, RebirthTodd said:

And the reality is that we do live different lives in different places across awkward time zones

Before you think too much about reviving a connection through texting, I would ask yourself how viable a prospect this really is. It sounds like she lives quite far from you,so it may be better to keep this in the "Fond Memory" file. 

Edited July 5, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[RebirthTodd]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Before you think too much about reviving a connection through texting, I would ask yourself how viable a prospect this really is. It sounds like she lives quite far from you,so it may be better to keep this in the "Fond Memory" file. 

That's a good question. We're very far away. But we will see each other in a few weeks due to being in the same place and I'm at a point in my life where some options are wide open. I'm not locked to one place right now. I would need to have very good reason to move, of course, so I wouldn't do that on a whim but what I'm saying is that this could still be possible if did go somewhere. 

[glows]

This isn't a relationship though. Was it ever addressed as one? It sounds like a fun romp overseas and then it trickled out. What have you both discussed in terms of seeing one another in person again? Who travels to whom? Who pays? Discuss more logistics and real time issues rather than fantasy type compliments towards one another or pretending as if you are in a cyber relationship with kissy emojis. You say that your options are open but she might not know that. And why should she wait around until you make up your mind to move to where she is? 

She could just as easily be picking up with someone else locally and dating in her area or busy with real life. 

My suggestion for all LDRs is to be realistic about the distance and come at it as a team or on the same wavelength. If anyone moves, move for your own reasons and have a back up plan to remove yourself and leave back to your original country/city. You don't move solely for the person or to your detriment financially or otherwise. 

From the way she responds to you there doesn't seem to have been enough time to develop anything meaningful in person. If she's not interested in keeping in touch or meeting again, then you have your answer. 

[ExpatInItaly]

42 minutes ago, glows said:

From the way she responds to you there doesn't seem to have been enough time to develop anything meaningful in person

That's the impression I am getting, too.

She enjoyed your few days together, OP, and had some fun talking to you a bit afterwards. But it sounds like she's letting it fizzle out because it's just not very sustainable. Who knows, she might be seeing someone else locally. I wouldn't spend much time strategizing how to get things back on track when she's apparently not very motivated to do so herself. 

[RebirthTodd]

On 7/5/2022 at 7:29 PM, glows said:

This isn't a relationship though. Was it ever addressed as one? It sounds like a fun romp overseas and then it trickled out.

Yep, that's pretty much what I had said in my first post and it's very much likely the reality. I guess knowing that I will actually see her soon and, knowing that likely reality, that puts me in a position of not having all that much to lose by asking if there are ways to try to keep things interesting somehow. Hence asking the question. But yes, absolutely you are right. 

[justwhoiam]

There are points that were not addressed:

1. How intimate, if any, were you with her while spending time together?

2. Liking one another can be tricky as you might mean that as a friend too, or like having common interests. It's different from being lovers/partners.

3. You got tricked into the texting... I'm assuming you're both in your 40s? At least you? Is she in her 30s? Anyway, you should have called her after you got home, some time during the first week home, Monday to Friday at a time you knew she could be comfortable taking your call. But you didn't. She thought: "this is going nowhere. He doesn't call, that's how much he f-ing cares about me (that's the best option, if she was into you then). He got back to his routine life, and I don't feel like being the virtual buddy on the other side of the world." You didn't say where you both are from. Well, you now know better for the next time.

4. Now you can't play too eager.

5. Did you pay compliments to her? I usually never advise to go down that route, but it looks like you got friend-zoned. This is tricky, it needs to be sexual but not creepy, that'd be a turnoff. And you could also gauge her interest while doing so. Like: Are you looking forward to meeting up again? Because I am...

6. If you do see her again (when's that?), take a chance to talk about the future: how do you see yourself in a year? and in 4 years? If she says something like with a nice family, married, with a great man... etc. you can make it clear that you're into her.