Something strange happened over 4th weekend…

[Christophers]

I’ll try to be brief. Just wanted to pick some brains for some objective views. I was in a relationship with a woman back in 2012-2013, I’ll call her Dani, who was about 13 years younger than me. She was 28, I was 41. But I initially lied about my age (I said I was 38), and about 3 months in, I told her the truth about my age. She was disappointed, but we had a great relationship. Lots of fun. She had a child, and I had two children, and it was just good times. But I could tell the age difference was bothering her. And sure enough, she eventually broke it off citing that. I was devastated, but I understood, and since you can’t change that circumstance, I moved on. I’ve had multiple relationships since, and the one I’m in now, is 7 years in, but we are not married, and not living together. And it works for us. I’ve often thought about Dani over the years, where she was, what she was doing, and while I’ve never reached out, I’ve sincerely missed her. We had such a great chemistry and connection that I haven’t been able to subsequently match. Well, on the 4th weekend, I got a Facebook message from her, the old “Hey stranger” message. It literally sucked the wind outta me for a second. After composing myself, I sent a nice message back about an hour later. We began a conversation, and she let me know she is married with a 2nd child now, updated about her mom and brothers, I told her that was wonderful, and I’m happy for her. But then she drop kicks me with “I think about you a lot, you were such a positive impact in my life. I loved being with you and the kids, I still had a lot to learn, but I just thought you should know, I wish I was older when we met, i would’ve never let you go.” And then suggested we have lunch sometime. I said ok, my number is still the same, and told her thanks for reaching out, really nice to hear from her. I’m now 51, and she’s 38. What do I make of this? If I’m being honest, I have a real weakness for this woman, an honestly I do know if I could resist her for very long lol. I think I may be reading into it too much, but I can’t help it, since she’s obviously been thinking about me all these years. It kinda validated my thoughts over the years. Anyway, what should I do? I will not initiate anything, where we go from here communication-wise is entirely up to her. Should I have lunch? Should I answer future texts? Help!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Christophers said:

 7 years in, but we are not married, and not living together. she let me know she is married with a 2nd child now

Sounds like she remembers you quite fondly. Maybe she is having a slump in her marriage so backtracking to see who still finds her attractive. Yes, let her initiate. How is your current relationship?

[Christophers]

Thanks for responding. My current relationship is good. She is a good woman and lets me be me (which I appreciate greatly). But we have some differences, and as the years drag on, they magnify. We just don’t have that spark that I’ve had in other relationships.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Christophers said:

I’ll try to be brief. Just wanted to pick some brains for some objective views. I was in a relationship with a woman back in 2012-2013, I’ll call her Dani, who was about 13 years younger than me. She was 28, I was 41. But I initially lied about my age (I said I was 38), and about 3 months in, I told her the truth about my age. She was disappointed, but we had a great relationship. Lots of fun. She had a child, and I had two children, and it was just good times. But I could tell the age difference was bothering her. And sure enough, she eventually broke it off citing that. I was devastated, but I understood, and since you can’t change that circumstance, I moved on. I’ve had multiple relationships since, and the one I’m in now, is 7 years in, but we are not married, and not living together. And it works for us. I’ve often thought about Dani over the years, where she was, what she was doing, and while I’ve never reached out, I’ve sincerely missed her. We had such a great chemistry and connection that I haven’t been able to subsequently match. Well, on the 4th weekend, I got a Facebook message from her, the old “Hey stranger” message. It literally sucked the wind outta me for a second. After composing myself, I sent a nice message back about an hour later. We began a conversation, and she let me know she is married with a 2nd child now, updated about her mom and brothers, I told her that was wonderful, and I’m happy for her. But then she drop kicks me with “I think about you a lot, you were such a positive impact in my life. I loved being with you and the kids, I still had a lot to learn, but I just thought you should know, I wish I was older when we met, i would’ve never let you go.” And then suggested we have lunch sometime. I said ok, my number is still the same, and told her thanks for reaching out, really nice to hear from her. I’m now 51, and she’s 38. What do I make of this? If I’m being honest, I have a real weakness for this woman, an honestly I do know if I could resist her for very long lol. I think I may be reading into it too much, but I can’t help it, since she’s obviously been thinking about me all these years. It kinda validated my thoughts over the years. Anyway, what should I do? I will not initiate anything, where we go from here communication-wise is entirely up to her. Should I have lunch? Should I answer future texts? Help!

Why bother? You're with someone else. Do you wish to start an affair? If so end your current relationship and start putting your life on track for a more fulfilling relationship. 

It seems you are unhappy in your current relationship.

Be honest with this person that you're with someone else. Meeting her might be tempting but if you don't have a lot of self-control and feel like this will be something you'll regret or something that will ruin your mental health later on, be a bit more wary and prudent. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Christophers said:

 as the years drag on, they magnify. 

Well that sounds kind of stale. When an old flame contacts you out of the blue it's for their own reasons. Even though it must have been uplifting to hear from her, maybe she is having marital problems and needs a shoulder to cry on. But you have the right mindset to leave the ball in her court.

[FMW]

I agree with @Wiseman2, when an old flame makes contact it's most likely because they aren't feeling happy or satisfied with their current relationship and it's easy to revisit old relationships in our head and wonder "what if".  I don''t think in most cases rekindling something from the past usually works out though.  I would guess that the reason it didn't work out before was more than just an age thing, you may be glossing over some things in part because there was probably an extra ego boost that came with being with a younger woman.  

If you were happy/satisfied with your current relationship I don't think you would have given this much more than a passing thought.  It's nice to know you're remembered fondly by someone from your past, but wondering "what if" to the point of making this post means you are probably just rolling along with your current relationship out of comfort and convenience.  

Whether anything happens with your ex or not, don't stay in a relationship with your current girlfriend if you can be so easily tempted.  No matter how special you feel the ex was, your current musings probably have more to do with the state of your current relationship.

[Christophers]

32 minutes ago, FMW said:

If you were happy/satisfied with your current relationship I don't think you would have given this much more than a passing thought.  It's nice to know you're remembered fondly by someone from your past, but wondering "what if" to the point of making this post means you are probably just rolling along with your current relationship out of comfort and convenience.  

This is brutally honest, and pretty spot on. We have a European vacation together in a couple weeks. I’m hoping it can spark the relationship. We shall see. We are actually really good travel partners, but we’ve both maintained our own homes. It’s just something that I need. I gotta have my own space. 
 

as for Dani, you mentioned there must be something else. There really wasn’t. She was upset that I lied initially about my age, and it just bugged her. I think was much younger then, and couldn’t handle the age difference. Probably extrapolating in her mind at the time, and it spooked her. I understand that.  If nothing else, it is nice to get some validation that we had a good thing.

[FMW]

13 minutes ago, Christophers said:

We are actually really good travel partners, but we’ve both maintained our own homes. It’s just something that I need. I gotta have my own space. 

I can relate to that.  I very much love my guy but never want to marry or live with anyone again.  We spend several nights a week at each other's homes, but we both appreciate having our own space.  We just got back from 3 wonderful weeks in Europe.  I came back wanting even more time together.  I hope you enjoy your time as much as we did.

[basil67]

She's seeking validation from you.  It's anybody's guess how far she wants to take it though.  It could be as simple as hearing that you also fondly remember those times to her wanting to start an affair with you which would fill something which is lacking in her life.

Are you up for an affair if that what she's after?   If so, given that she's married and you still have unresolved feelings, it would be a long painful journey ending with you getting hurt

[Christophers]

I’ve been thinking about this and considering the responses, and I’ve had a change of heart. I was thinking about her reaching out, and clearly she’s doing it because she’s unhappy. And honestly, that’s not my problem. Why reach out to me now? Why not before she got married, why not before she had another child. Someone said this is all about her, not me, and that’s right. We had a good time, a good relationship, and she blew it up, for reasons I couldn’t cure. And now I’m 10 years older. Lol. I’m gonna chalk this up as a win. I got what I wanted already. I got validation. I was right. She was wrong. I have a great woman now, and while we have work to do, she’s always been there for me. So thank you for all the responses. I won’t answer her moving forward. There’s no need. 

Edited July 6, 2022 by Christophers

[basil67]

Good man!  Excellent choice there.

[SingFish]

4 hours ago, Christophers said:

I’ve been thinking about this and considering the responses, and I’ve had a change of heart. I was thinking about her reaching out, and clearly she’s doing it because she’s unhappy. And honestly, that’s not my problem. Why reach out to me now? Why not before she got married, why not before she had another child. Someone said this is all about her, not me, and that’s right. We had a good time, a good relationship, and she blew it up, for reasons I couldn’t cure. And now I’m 10 years older. Lol. I’m gonna chalk this up as a win. I got what I wanted already. I got validation. I was right. She was wrong. I have a great woman now, and while we have work to do, she’s always been there for me. So thank you for all the responses. I won’t answer her moving forward. There’s no need. 

I agree. 

Moving on...🤗