So, the 2nd chance is working out, with one exception...

[Frank21]

I'm having trouble getting over her past. When she moved back home we had a long discussion over our past(s), and she revealed to me that she had two one night stands about 6 years ago. When we first met and became intimate I asked her the "number" at it was 9 other men (I'm #10). She was 26 and had a long term relationship from 15-19, but actually started having sex at age 14. Believe it or not, I'm her 3rd or 4th boyfriend ever - the handful of guys she was with after the long term were all primarily this story:

1. She met a guy through a friend, or the guy WAS a friend from high school, or a close friend of another close friend.

2. The guys never took her out, never called her. She just "hung out" with them and had sex. 4 of the 9 others were 1 time encounters, which includes the two one-night stands. 1 other was married but legally seperated for 3 years.

3. There are no stories of her breaking up with the guys, it's all "we did it and I never heard from them again" type stories, even if she'd hung out with them for a month or two.

4. The last guy she was with for over two years, mostly as friends and did it occasionally. She said in that time they only did it a max of 5-7 times because he was always drunk, and they mostly hung out with their groups of friends. She told me she finally got sick of it and told him that their scenario wasn't working out, only to "hook up" with him one last time a couple of months later (he never called her again either).

 

Now, we're getting married in 4 months, and this stuff bothers me a bit - I wish she'd have given me a bit more information when we first started dating, as it stings quite a bit more when you find stuff out after being totally in love with somebody.

 

Also, her long term relationship ended because she cheated by having sex with her "first" guy; totally random (i.e. she saw him out somewhere, the long term guy was at school, and they hooked up). A while later she made out with some guy at a party. Now, she was only 18 at the time, but she didn't tell her then long term boyfriend about it - he "heard it through the grapevine" and confronted her, and she confessed. They tried to make it work for a while, but he ended up breaking up with her, citing "I just can't trust you anymore".

 

Now, we've been together for quite some time and she's never done anything to break MY trust for her. She's always been honest and loyal to me, and it's been a couple of months since she filled in the gaps about her prior sexual history.

 

Perhaps it's just me getting early wedding jitters, or my fear of being cheated on someday when I get married. After all, I can't shake the feeling that she's only had two long term relationships, and cheated on the first one. On the other hand she was 18 at the time, and will be 29 next week. Plus she said she's always regretted it.

 

Yes, I've been to see a shrink about this (and other stuff) a few times, and she tells me I'm the type that has "Black & White morality" and since I've always had sex in relationships (never any ONS) that I pass judgement to her because she has. I've been thinking lately, and perhaps subconciously I'm looking for any reason to find fault with her? I just hate to think the woman I'm marrying gave oral to guys she barely knew at parties (two different times/parties) along with sex! I've pressed her about it and she said that no one else at these parties knew about her doing that; they had snuck off somewhere and it happened.

 

Anyway, I realize what's in the past is the past, but I worry sometimes that if I don't give her enough affection what's to stop her from cheating when we're married? She's a big girl by the way; I always tease her and tell people I'm dating a plus size model (absolutely gorgeous girl though). I couldn't give her more affection if I tried, and I tell her she's beautiful all the time.

 

Thoughts?

[Baz]

Its a tough one.

 

All that you said happened a long time ago when she was young. Keep that in perspective.

 

In your opinion was she getting it out of her system then or do you think she still has desires? Ask yourself truthfully because I think if you are marrying this girl you should know her inside out by now. If you cant find your answer there then maybe you shouldn't be marrying her.

 

Very difficult for you.

[Frank21]

Its a tough one.

 

All that you said happened a long time ago when she was young. Keep that in perspective.

 

In your opinion was she getting it out of her system then or do you think she still has desires? Ask yourself truthfully because I think if you are marrying this girl you should know her inside out by now. If you cant find your answer there then maybe you shouldn't be marrying her.

 

Very difficult for you.

 

 

I don't think she still has desires at all. Part of the problem is her group of friends that are quite a bit on the wild side as well; I sometimes worry that she might do something stupid if put in the right (wrong) situation. Perhaps it's just wedding jitters - after all, marriage is for life, right? It's very tough to completely put your trust in another human being that isn't related to you! I guess if she still had the desire to do things she'd have done it the month we were on a break. I'm a worrier, can you tell?

[Baz]

Hey, it is understandable that you are worried. It is very big decision and like anyone, in this day and age it makes the decision so much harder. I haven't got there yet and im really old!!! (Joke)

 

relationships are tough and couples need to be aware that they constantly need to be worked at. every day effort and consideration has to be put in by both. It is never constant. I think you need to be as cool as you can with this situation and say very little but let your actions continue to show her that despite all her temptations, faults or hang ups you are totally reliable, fun and in love with her. What more could a girl want. She may not be able to see the wood for the trees at the moment but if your actions continue to show her the way she will slowly begin to relate to you in a way that is comfortable for you both. It all comes down to timings really. You two could be the ideal match its just that one of you just may not be ready for that next phase yet. If you approach things in a mature way there is no reason why things cant work out. My ex said to me a couple of time that she wished she had met me later on. She knows im good for her but she has stuff to do. She may well be starting to find her way back to me now having had time to do her stuff. If thats the case (and im free) then who knows what can happen. Patience is a good thing in realtionships, especially in this day and age.

 

I hope this helps a little

[head/heels]

for me to handle......i am gonna have to only add this little tidbit....tread lightly and dont bring it up with her....also, dont let it bother you about her past, that is her decision.....what you need to do is find out if you can live with it or not...because it is your problem not hers...now if you think that her past will affect your future, i.e. she might cheat or have meaningless sex with someone bc it is normal....or she drops you like she did the others...then that also is a choice you are gonna have to make...but, make this decision as soon as you can and stick with it as you will be best able to think it through before it gets tooo deep