My gf just suddenly changed

[Sean K]

Hi all.

I'm hoping for some help and just to get things off my chest.

I was with my gf for 3 months and they've been amazing. We've had barrels of laughs. So into each other. Gestures. Giving each other time around our individual circumstances and working patterns. The only thing that wasn't it's best, was when we misunderstood something. One person says something, the other doesn't get what they meant. But it wasn't everything. It was a very small percentage that played.

She would encourage me to talk about stuff if I needed to. Opening up about feelings was easy, but if something bothered me, that was hard to talk about.

When we met she would tell me stuff I didn't want to know, like intimacy with an ex etc. Asking me about mine , and I'd shut that conversation down. Although it was the start, I didn't wanna think about it. The more feelings grew, the more that bothered me until I opened up. When I did she got upset and I felt bad for opening up. She felt as if I was saying she was a bad person but I never used that word. 

Skip to the weekend 1st July and wow, what a change. Friday we spoke about the stuff again that isn't needed to be heard, and she got all emotional, like she wasn't understanding the conversation, but wanting to cry to an extreme extent, which I did assure her it wasn't anything to get upset about it's just a conversation. It has relevance.

Then on Saturday had a misunderstanding about something she said because I wasn't sure if there was a bit of spite or it was genuine. This was something I was feeling defensive about from a previous relationship where that person liked me feeling bad for something. She got all flustered and worked up for nothing which annoyed me.

But on Sunday morning it was ok. Normal to some extent. Then she said she wanted to have Sunday night alone for some downtime and pamper herself. She cared about me, wanted the relationship, just wanted some space and to have a nice weekend together as normal next week. She was gonna speak to her dad about us, which I felt a bit alarming and intrusive. She was always saying how our relationship is our bubble and we understand it. So she had her day and I had mine. I got one message off her and then ignored from then on. Something wasn't sitting right. 

When I woke Monday morning I had nothing. This wasn't normal. Miscommunication was something of a very small percentage in the relationship. 95% of it was fantastic! Time passed, still nothing. I was messaging and getting nothing. I was feeling more anxious and I'm already having anxiety issues with my own personal stuff. I eventually phoned and she picked up and said hello nicely. I asked what was going on. Then the dread came. 

She said she reflected, spoke to her dad. He said it wasn't healthy, what exactly I do not know. I wasn't told anything and heard alot of stuff that didn't make sense. A week ago we were head over heels for each other. She was thanking me for supporting her exam she took. She was feeling flat and just wanted one of my cuddles to feel better and was looking forward to our time. Then I got a u turn of behaviour, words and actions. Like we'd seen each other for 2 weeks. We've been together in a solid fun relationship for 3 months. 

She has literally given me the cold shoulder. Like nothing has happened. Like I didn't exist. Like gestures from either side never happened or never had the meaning that they were given for to start with. Blocking me when I've tried to reach out. I haven't been malicious. I'm hurting. Confused. Upset. And the person who said they cared a lot for me, hasn't shown it all of a sudden. Totally shot me down. I don't know if she remembers things, sees things. Feels memories. Feels upset. Feels confused. I don't know anything other than I feel like a no one when she loved being together and close to me. 

I felt personally, that she could get emotionally worked up over something small. What I heard on the phone on Monday morning, was an absolute worked up person who I think was going back to her past thinking similar experiences were gonna happen again. They weren't. It seemed so defensive. She's told me about them. She didn't like to think I was projecting her as an ex who hurt me and messed me around and screwed my head up. But here I am. That very thing happened. But I never acted like someone who hurt her because she said I cared about her like no one else did and she appreciated my efforts to do what I could and was looking forward to stuff together.

She said she didn't like feeling confused, because I did and said the right stuff but if I was a little flat I might have been a bit passive with her rather than hug her as normal. That happened once and she got upset and felt her vulnerability had been taken advantage of. For some reason. But this treatment I'm getting seems to be ok.

What can I possibly do? Is she needing some time perhaps despite saying she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore? Though she said also she couldn't be in my life right now. She knows I'm having some personal issues, which she said she welcomed me to talk about. But I'm sorting those out and had made a start Sunday night.

Is she likely to feel something through memories? Like something is missing. Hugs. Listening to Music together. Playing game s having drinks. Going for meals. Even something as little as a cuddle on the sofa. Something she loved suddenly not there. 

Any help and advise as to what may be the case and what I can do would be great. There's not a lot I can do unless I go to her house to try and talk. But she won't open the door I know that much. So I'm literally banging my head. The saddest part is when I went to bed Monday night, I didn't want to wake up Tuesday morning. I didn't want to feel the betrayal, confusion and emptiness that I never thought she would put me through for all we've done and enjoyed together. For all her efforts. Just to turn it upside down and treat me awfully.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Sean K said:

She didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore. she said also she couldn't be in my life right now. 

Sorry this happened. 12 weeks dating is the get to know you period and observation time. And so far there seems to be chronic miscommunications and chronic misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. You were incompatible on many levels, especially very touchy, upsetting communication patterns.

It doesn't matter who she confers with about her relationships. She simply didn't see this going anywhere.

Don't buy into the "let's stay friends" idea. End it cleanly and delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Find support from friends and family regarding stress and anxiety in your life. She seemed to just add to that.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You were incompatible on many levels, especially very touchy, upsetting communication patterns

I agree. This relationship is very unlikely to have worked out well in the long run, OP. 

When it's this complicated after just 3 months, it's a sign that you two are not meant to be together. I get why it hurts, but I don't see where she's treating you awfully. She has just decided this isn't the relationship for her and ended it. She did the right thing if she no longer wanted to be together. 

8 hours ago, Sean K said:

So I'm literally banging my head.

This is only because you haven't yet accepted that it's over. That's totally normal, too. It's fresh and you don't want it to be over. But there's no use coming up with ways to try to convince her that she's made the wrong choice. You will stop banging your head against the wall once you moved towards acceptance that this has come to an end. 

[Sean K]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. 12 weeks dating is the get to know you period and observation time. And so far there seems to be chronic miscommunications and chronic misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. You were incompatible on many levels, especially very touchy, upsetting communication patterns.

It doesn't matter who she confers with about her relationships. She simply didn't see this going anywhere.

Don't buy into the "let's stay friends" idea. End it cleanly and delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Find support from friends and family regarding stress and anxiety in your life. She seemed to just add to that.

Thankyou for your response.

 

I find it's hard to communicate the relationship on here as it would be a very long thread. I was never stressed in this relationship with her. We were most compatible, and enjoyed ourselves together. Whatever we did it was always a good time. Loved seeing each other, hated parting.

But I think the miscommunication, though very few events, for some reason has her back up very defensively. I do not know why. 

She knew about my stresses in life and offered some advice which I've reached out to those people who can help, which I'm proud about. That I will be focusing on and reinventing myself.

I'm a night worker, she isn't. She has two children, I don't have any but we still managed to get time. To each other, our doors were always open to one another. Providing it was possible. 

We always accommodated and paid interest into each others interests. We were able to do things together and laugh about anything. The. We were also able to be individuals. So it's a bit different for me as I have probably more time to communicate than she does. Maybe that was an issue for her, I think it was. But there was nothing sinister.

She even offered to pay me a night shift to take time off to rest because I've had physical pains, terrible headaches from an accident last year, work has been stressful so I made her aware so she knew she wasn't the issue. 

When we'd talk about being worried about things going wrong we were on the same wave length. Though I think when we got worked up we did have different takes to it. 

What wasn't nice by the weekend was she said there was no Doon and gloom, wanted me and cared about me. So shutting me down like we'd known each other a couple of weeks , for everything out relationship entailed because we were very comfortable and we were never shy. We just loved being together. 

[Sean K]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. This relationship is very unlikely to have worked out well in the long run, OP. 

When it's this complicated after just 3 months, it's a sign that you two are not meant to be together. I get why it hurts, but I don't see where she's treating you awfully. She has just decided this isn't the relationship for her and ended it. She did the right thing if she no longer wanted to be together. 

This is only because you haven't yet accepted that it's over. That's totally normal, too. It's fresh and you don't want it to be over. But there's no use coming up with ways to try to convince her that she's made the wrong choice. You will stop banging your head against the wall once you moved towards acceptance that this has come to an end. 

Thankyou for your reply. 

There is acceptance, but also a glimmer of faith. Suddenly both our lives have that gap where there's no popping round. No walks. No finishing work going over for a coffee chit chat. And she said she's enjoyed it. She was a very affectionate person and was generous through a lot of stuff. Nothing ever went unnoticed on both sides. 

Myself would rather be face to face to talk and be clear. I certainly wouldn't have put her through this as it creates a bigger problem having an ugly atmosphere. From so into each other and wanting to leave work just to come to me for a hug to nothing. I think she puts up a very strong wall and is a way of dealing with it. But nevertheless, not having our time and something like, music, books, that we enjoyed together will still exist and trigger memories. it can't not.

I know how it gets me, as on shift songs came on and I had to take a deep breath. It might sound stupid but there are a lot of memories to them. I wanted to be sick quite frankly. Because this relationship was something very unique, but I think her expectations of things happening in life are somewhat unrealistic. No one's perfect. But wanting to sort things and be the old soul , like she said I was, is better than being a throw away and perhaps having something far worse later on.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your feelings are valid, OP. 

It is normal to be upset and tiggered by memories right now. However, that still doesn't mean another conversation is necessary. Do you want to hear her repeat why it's over? Because that's all that is likely to happen, sadly. 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Sean K said:

 I think she puts up a very strong wall and is a way of dealing with it. 

In a way, she does need firmer boundaries as a single mother. Her children need to and will always come first. Then there's co-parenting considerations.

So try not to take it personally, as there were too many obstacles and incompatibilities here including your schedules.

It may be better to date single women without the responsibility of two children and co-parenting considerations. At least that will help as far as certain conflicts.

[Sean K]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In a way, she does need firmer boundaries as a single mother. Her children need to and will always come first. Then there's co-parenting considerations.

So try not to take it personally, as there were too many obstacles and incompatibilities here including your schedules.

It may be better to date single women without the responsibility of two children and co-parenting considerations. At least that will help as far as certain conflicts.

I am and was  always aware the children come first. Just because I didn't have that in my schedule, it may have seemed like it skipped my mind a moment, but they never startled me.

The shift change again wasnt an issue as we still had time. Be it myself getting to sleep early to make it over in the evening, or I'd get up in the afternoon and go over for a drink and lunch in the garden. They never bothered us. Yes it may have been better to be on a more sociable shift pattern. Right now I'm onto that with my manager as he feels my health and sleep is important and feels the change is necessary. He even advised that I get a note from the drs when I go as it's the headaches that go with it that have ruffled me up. 

I wish people saw what we were like because it was excellent and amazing. I think she got guarded from a past threat and felt it could have been happening. When I recall our conversations etc about what we've gone through. Plus her getting confused thinking I was off with her when I wasn't. I think it was a quick defense for some reason. But she hadn't gone into it much.

I can only do what I can for myself and I'm prepared to do so and reinvent myself. I'm making alot of changes right now and steps in the right direction to help my health and maybe something may happen. It may not, but I've still gotta keep my head down and move on. We are in close proximity of living and we both have family that know members of each others families. A very small world... 

[giotto]

Sounds like she met someone else. Nobody changes like that all of a sudden. 

[Lauriebell82]

You said she puts up a strong wall but I think you do as well. If that wasn't the case, then the misunderstandings and miscommunication would not have even been a factor at all! I think the tipping point for her was when you invalidated her emotional response and told her it wasn't that big of deal to get upset over. Men tend to not understand this is not a supportive type statement in women who just want to be understood and supported. I highly doubt your girlfriend "changed" suddently, she probably was just trying to present the best part of herself (as were you) and probably keep her over-emotional side under wraps. Like myself, she probably attracts more masculine logical men (like you are, I can hear it in your post!!!) so she probably knows damn well this is a HUGE turnoff. The act of talking to her father (and taking her own space) was probably to assess whether she could deal with another logical unemotional, unsupportive type boyfriend again. When you are an emotional woman, this tends to not be an easy relationship to handle because the supportive (unfortuantely) just isn't there and instead is replaced with feelings of invalidation. You are met with statements such as "why are you so upset, this is not a big deal!" and nobody wants to hear that when they are upset. 

I think you just chalk it up to incompatibily. Move on. 

[mark clemson]

Some people do things like this. I would suggest that most likely "it's not you, it's her". Genuinely. On/off hot/cold behavior without a really good reason for it MAY simply be a change of heart, but I believe it is more often a sign that something is strongly dysfunctional with the other person. [ ] People like this can seem wonderful and perfect and then extremely quickly become, as you are saying "cold shoulder" or even quite hostile. This messes with your brain chemistry/dopamine levels unfortunately and can cause you to become needy/"clingy" towards them, but that is unlikely to have any impact on the situation.

So I suggest you recognize she is the problem, not attempt to cling to something that isn't going to work, let it sink in that you've actually dodged a bullet (might take a while, but eventually it will), and let her go her own way.

Edited July 9, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
armchair diagnosis