Is it time to leave my GF?

[idontwannastayorgo]

I’m 23, she’s 24.

My gf and I have been together for 3.5 years, and on paper we’re a good match for one another. When we first met I wasn’t the kindest person, and she taught me so much about being better and treating others well, to the point I don’t know who I’d be if I hadn’t met her. I’ve also got dietary restrictions that she was so considerate and mindful of (still is), and words can’t describe how much i appreciate that about her. We get along well, have the same values as one another, and can talk about anything. 

With that said, since we started dating, I have planned all our dates, paid for them, drove everywhere, and was okay with it then, but sometimes it feels like too much for me to continuously do. She does feel bad about paying for stuff, but I’m a proud person and won’t let her pay for stuff randomly, and only recently started asking to help pay for stuff. I never cared about the money, it was more not liking the fact I felt obligated to buy everything always. 

That’s so far from the issue however, I just wanted to give context. My relationship with my gf has been bad since March 2020; we were separated for a long time, and for her, the honeymoon phase ended. Since then, we haven’t had sex once (she doesn’t want to do it in her house, my car, or come over, and we both agree having a hotel room just for sex isn’t sexy; she works in the public sphere and had an ex threaten her w/ revenge porn and so we don’t sext and I’d never ask), and every time I initiate she says no, and at this point I don’t want to feel like I’m being pushy or weird so I’ve stopped altogether. I also don’t know how she’s okay with no sex either, but she says she is either hyper sexual or non-sexual, and right now she’s in a non-phase. Affection is another issue. She stopped being affectionate with me a few months after things got bad, and while she shows it here and there (it was never her strongest suit in all fairness, she told me that at the start), it’s much less than what she knows I need and what I give her. She also very rarely asks about me, which is something that bugs me. I’ve gotten promoted twice at work in the last year and not once has she asked anything about it. Back in February, she said to me something was wrong in the relationship, and we discussed all of the above, with her telling me school and anxiety got her feeling so low, which led to me being a low priority. I told her what I felt, that I understand but at that point it felt more like a friendship to me, as opposed to a relationship since my needs weren’t anywhere close to being met. I told her I want to feel attractive, and I don’t think she sees me that way anymore, but she insisted she does. I told her I was thinking about leaving, and she kicked me out of her house because she was hurt when I explained that the things making me unhappy with us were only getting worse. 

It’s been 5 months since, and almost nothing is getting better. She is a bit cuddlier, but not much, and does say thank you when I get us food and stuff now, which I appreciate, but I think I resent her too much and don’t want to waste any more of our time. The weird thing is she always brings up marriage and kids and all that, but I don’t see how it can happen if she doesn’t pay attention to my physical and emotional needs. The thing is that I love her so much, and can’t imagine going on a date or being with someone else. I don’t want to leave her; I don’t want that conversation, those tears, or any of it. I don’t want to hurt her. I can’t imagine my life without her. I don’t want to leave, but at the same time I’m at the point I’m looking at other women, watching too much porn, and am behaving generally in ways I’m not proud of, even if I’m not cheating.I feel like I’m single but restricted because we don’t see each other much, and when we do it’s the way I described it. I put all of me into this relationship, but I don’t know if I can do it any more. Of course I know there are two sides to a story, and I know I’m not perfect, but I think it’s time to go; is there any “good” way to do this? I’m thinking of asking for a trial separation of three months just so I can cool off a bit. I don’t know if I want to marry her, but I need some time to basically restart my psyche. Honestly I’ll take any insight I can get here.

 

[basil67]

You're only 23 and you have your whole life ahead of you - don't waste it on a relationship which effectively died quite some time ago.    And no, don't ask for a break because that's unfair to her and just stretches out the pain for both of you.  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, idontwannastayorgo said:

 I’m thinking of asking for a trial separation of three months just so I can cool off a bit.

Sorry this is happening. You've known each other a long time and you've been tied down to this since you were a teen..

"Trail separation" or breaks are pointless and harmful. All it does is turn a failing relationship into an on/off relationships,  which is even worse.

Most breaks are for punitive purposes, or to cheat or to hope someone miraculously changes.  Is she pressuring you for anything like marriage, living together, etc.?

If you are unhappy, have a talk and set both yourselves free. You're just not getting along because you're growing apart rather than together.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

You're way, way too young to be in a dead relationship like this.  This relationship is dead, there is nothing even here to save.  Have enough self-respect to seek more for yourself and to walk away from situations where your needs are not being met.

On 7/5/2022 at 9:23 PM, idontwannastayorgo said:

I’m thinking of asking for a trial separation of three months just so I can cool off a bit. 

No no no, this is not how breakups work.  A "trial separation" is BS and won't help the situation.  Either you break up or not.  Have the courage to end a bad relationship that is clearly not working.  Don't wake up another year from now and still be wasting your time with this.  

[Atwood]

Painless, mutual break ups are extremely rare and typically unrealistic. Breaking up is going to be hard and painful and it's okay to break up with someone. Even if it hurts them. You're allowed to decide something just isn't working anymore and peace out. Obviously you conduct the break up as kindly and respectfully as possible, but there's little else you can do to cushion the blow. 

It sounds like you're hanging on until she leaves or hoping a trial separation will get her used to the idea, but it's just dragging it out needlessly. She told you something was wrong in the relationship on her end, and it's clearly not meeting your needs either. Saving a relationship takes two, and she doesn't ask about you, doesn't want affection or intimacy, and doesn't seem to really be that interested. That isn't a recipe for salvaging a relationship! 

Trust your gut!

[giotto]

What the others have said. At 23, you don't want to have sex ever again? I can't believe you are even considering this. 

[vla1120]

I agree with everyone else. Don't try a trial separation. Break up cleanly so that you both can move on and find someone better matched to your needs and interests. It won't be easy and you should give yourself some time, but you are way too young to settle for a sexless relationship that seems more like a friendship.