Any input I (23M) can get on breaking up with my (24F) GF as kindly as possible would be appreciated

[loteal]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and in the last two, things have seriously deteriorated. I feel my needs haven't been met, and she's agreed that she hasn't been there for me in the way I need her to be, plus our sex life hasn't been existent for the last 2.5 years.

I told her back in February (as well as last year in march) that things just felt like we were friends because of the way we interacted with each other. Little things like her never making an effort to be around my family due to her anxiety haven't helped, and we've continuously tried to work these things out together, but nothing changes, or if it does, it only does for a small amount of time.

She's self-conscious, and I have done my absolute best to bring her up and make her feel good about herself, but to no avail. I have told her she should get therapy for her anxiety if she wants it, but she refuses, and I have tried my best to communicate these issues to her, but nothing changes and we both feel worse about it all.

I think it's best for both of us that we at least take a few months away from one another because I resent her a lot at this point, and she feels like she's always under pressure to make me happy. With that said, I don't want to leave her. I don't want to see anyone else, and I don't want to hurt her.

I am so heartbroken that all our promises of marriage and children and us forever aren't happening, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't crying while I wrote this. It's unfair to her to keep her in this relationship, because I can't see a future together like this, and I don't want to wait any longer for the chance that things get better between us.

I hate this, but I think it needs to be done. I want to do this in the kindest possible way, and so I would love any advice I can get on this before I ask her to have the talk. I want to leave as kindly as possible, because she's still the woman I love.

Edited July 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CLS63AMG]

You have to make a decision with yourself and end it, don't be a schmuck and wait for her to do it. Been there myself, if there is no fun, sex or effort it isn't even a relationship and you are WAY too young for that.

Edited July 7, 2022 by CLS63AMG

[ExpatInItaly]

I would sit her down and tell her (kindly) what you told us: you don't see a future between you and are ending the relationship. 

Be gentle but firm. She might disagree with your decision but you know that it's the right one. She will know why this is happening. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, loteal said:

 I can't see a future together like this, and I don't want to wait any longer for the chance that things get better between us

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?.

Yes, kindly and diplomatically set both yourselves free. Do not offer to stay friends or "be there for her".

All this while you were attempting to fix and change her. Of course that never works. So, you're right there's no future. 

Unfortunately you've both gotten into a coasting along in a comfortable rut and security blanket situation, but an untenable one at that.

She may be as relieved as you are in the long run.

 

[loteal]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?.

Yes, kindly and diplomatically set both yourselves free. Do not offer to stay friends or "be there for her".

All this while you were attempting to fix and change her. Of course that never works. So, you're right there's no future. 

Unfortunately you've both gotten into a coasting along in a comfortable rut and security blanket situation, but an untenable one at that.

She may be as relieved as you are in the long run.

 

We live separately, but she talks about marriage and asks about me proposing a lot, and I just can’t understand where her head is at; seems she dances between two extremes.
 

this whole thing has led me down a rabbit hole filled with watching porn a lot, and I don’t like who I am right now. 
 

how do I do it face to face? I don’t want to break her heart in her home, and I’m scared she might act very volatile if I tell her in my car. 

[introverted1]

47 minutes ago, loteal said:

I don’t want to break her heart in her home

Why not?  This is actually perfect:  you go over, say what you have to say firmly but kindly, and leave.  She's then in a safe and familiar space in which to process her feelings. 

[loteal]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Why not?  This is actually perfect:  you go over, say what you have to say firmly but kindly, and leave.  She's then in a safe and familiar space in which to process her feelings. 

I don’t want to traumatize her every time she goes in there is the big one; I can’t have her thinking of that every time she goes to do work or use her computer or have company over

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, loteal said:

I don’t want to traumatize her every time she goes in there is the big one; I can’t have her thinking of that every time she goes to do work or use her computer or have company over

I think you are over-thinking this. 

Look at your options:

• Do it at your place - now she has to get home on her own, or you bring her home, which allows the break-up to devolve into yelling, crying, pleading, etc.
• Do it in a third-party location - same challenges as at your place + potential public embarrassment for either/both of you
• Do it at her place - not likely she will associate her home with "trauma" especially since, from you've written, she's aware that things aren't right.  On the plus side, no need for her to travel and you can control how long you want the discussion to last by leaving once you've had your say

Pulling off the bandaid is bound to hurt, but she will recover, as will you. And, at this point, since you know you are done, it is more cruel to keep delaying while searching for the perfect way to break up than to just break up.  Spoiler:  there is no perfect way and you will both go through a mix of emotions in the weeks and maybe months to come.

[loteal]

19 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I think you are over-thinking this. 

Look at your options:

• Do it at your place - now she has to get home on her own, or you bring her home, which allows the break-up to devolve into yelling, crying, pleading, etc.
• Do it in a third-party location - same challenges as at your place + potential public embarrassment for either/both of you
• Do it at her place - not likely she will associate her home with "trauma" especially since, from you've written, she's aware that things aren't right.  On the plus side, no need for her to travel and you can control how long you want the discussion to last by leaving once you've had your say

Pulling off the bandaid is bound to hurt, but she will recover, as will you. And, at this point, since you know you are done, it is more cruel to keep delaying while searching for the perfect way to break up than to just break up.  Spoiler:  there is no perfect way and you will both go through a mix of emotions in the weeks and maybe months to come.

She lives with her parents, doing so at her house won’t be so simple if they’re there, and honestly, I don’t have the guts to face her family after leaving their daughter. I love her so much, but things can’t continue like this. How bad would it be if I called her?

[introverted1]

Just now, loteal said:

How bad would it be if I called her?

I think after 4 years, a face-to-face is in order.  Is there no time when the parents are out of the house? If not, then find a public place very close to her house with some privacy (maybe a park) where you can meet. 

Be prepared for a wide range of reactions - from crying and pleading to anger and hostility.  It's ok.  She will get over it and so will you. 

You two have been together since your teens.  A breakup at this point is not at all unusual; in fact, staying together would be the more unusual path. 

Read your OP again. It's clear you need to move on. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, loteal said:

We live separately, but she talks about marriage and asks about me proposing a lot, and I just can’t understand where her head is at.

Her head is you're dating 4 years and going nowhere and she's 24. She wants to know if you are worth investing in and hurt that you don't want what she wants so she's stuck in hot/cold. It doesn't matter how, where or when you end things just be kind, make it a "me, not you" thing and make a clean break.

[loteal]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Her head is you're dating 4 years and going nowhere and she's 24. She wants to know if you are worth investing in and hurt that you don't want what she wants so she's stuck in hot/cold. It doesn't matter how, where or when you end things just be kind, make it a "me, not you" thing and make a clean break.

I told her I want marriage, but financially we’re not there yet and I have all my emotional and physical needs that she isn’t meeting before thinking about being married. She knows this, doesn’t improve, and still wants to know what we’re doing 

[mark clemson]

Suggest you look at it this way:

IF your GF is genuinely emotionally mature, then any reasonable approach to breaking up should go fine, although she will probably be sad/upset. Your presence may not be overly appreciated, so bowing out relatively quickly, particularly if that's requested of you, may make a lot more sense than sticking around and trying to "soothe".

If your GF is NOT genuinely emotionally mature, then it doesn't really matter how you approach it, as she will likely turn it into an opportunity to vent/lash out/"go crazy" etc, etc.  So then the question would become how to minimize that - which probably would require blocking her and minimizing contact with her as much as possible.

 

Edited July 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[loteal]

21 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Suggest you look at it this way:

IF your GF is genuinely emotionally mature, then any reasonable approach to breaking up should go fine, although she will probably be sad/upset. Your presence may not be overly appreciated, so bowing out relatively quickly, particularly if that's requested of you, may make a lot more sense than sticking around and trying to "soothe".

If your GF is NOT genuinely emotionally mature, then it doesn't really matter how you approach it, as she will likely turn it into an opportunity to vent/lash out/"go crazy" etc, etc.  So then the question would become how to minimize that - which probably would require blocking her and minimizing contact with her as much as possible.

 

Thank you for your input. I think I’m going to go to her place tonight and tell her everything. If I can’t bring myself to, I’ll just call her and give the news. I’m honestly distraught and am lying here in tears writing this. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go see her one last time

[glows]

1 hour ago, loteal said:

Thank you for your input. I think I’m going to go to her place tonight and tell her everything. If I can’t bring myself to, I’ll just call her and give the news. I’m honestly distraught and am lying here in tears writing this. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go see her one last time

I doesn't matter where you do it. Just tell her you do not want the relationship anymore. Don't beat around the bush or agree to be friends or offer to take a break if it's not what you want. It sounds more like she has wanted someone to accept her for who she is but you both are completely incompatible. You are trying to change her into someone she's not and she's not wanting to change, even if she's told you she wants to. This relationship is made of two people trying to please one another and not addressing your differences in a respectful manner, or having proper boundaries/sense of self.

It's time to let go if it's no longer working. When you're ending it, be realistic about your own life and the things you wish for yourself. Don't prolong this with false promises to stay in touch or remain friends either.

[loteal]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

I doesn't matter where you do it. Just tell her you do not want the relationship anymore. Don't beat around the bush or agree to be friends or offer to take a break if it's not what you want. It sounds more like she has wanted someone to accept her for who she is but you both are completely incompatible. You are trying to change her into someone she's not and she's not wanting to change, even if she's told you she wants to. This relationship is made of two people trying to please one another and not addressing your differences in a respectful manner, or having proper boundaries/sense of self.

It's time to let go if it's no longer working. When you're ending it, be realistic about your own life and the things you wish for yourself. Don't prolong this with false promises to stay in touch or remain friends either.

I want a break though, I just don’t know how feasible it is. The neglect that I’ve felt has led me to watching a lot of porn and developing unhealthy sexual habits that have been making me very unhappy with myself, and regardless of whether I’m with her, I need to do some work. I’ve gotten into therapy, and am entering SAA meetings to deal with the issue. I’d love to see where we’re at in some time, but she’s got marriage timelines so I don’t think it’d work. I wouldn’t care if she dated others during that time, I just need to get out of this right now 

[glows]

53 minutes ago, loteal said:

I want a break though, I just don’t know how feasible it is. The neglect that I’ve felt has led me to watching a lot of porn and developing unhealthy sexual habits that have been making me very unhappy with myself, and regardless of whether I’m with her, I need to do some work. I’ve gotten into therapy, and am entering SAA meetings to deal with the issue. I’d love to see where we’re at in some time, but she’s got marriage timelines so I don’t think it’d work. I wouldn’t care if she dated others during that time, I just need to get out of this right now 

What was her anxiety regarding spending time with your family about? What makes her self-conscious? 

You describe her as extreme and with a potential for being volatile. The relationship seems to reached a point of no return and appears chaotic and unpredictable.

You mention you struggle bringing her up or helping her feel good about herself. It's not clear whether you're trying to fit her into someone else you think she should be or whether she actually has issues with self-esteem. A person will have issues with self-esteem if they are not accepted as they are. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, loteal said:

She knows this, doesn’t improve, and still wants to know what we’re doing 

That's sad. However waiting for her to change indicates some basic incompatibilities as well as differences in your goals, values and timelines. You're right to contemplate ending things for that reason alone.

Again, be kind, final and use a "it's me, not's you" reasoning, because after all it is you. You're not happy, satisfied or ready for commitment. The reason for that is that you don't want negotiations, pleading or anger. If the reason is "you", she can not start bargaining and arguing. Clean break, no staying friends etc.

[loteal]

46 minutes ago, glows said:

What was her anxiety regarding spending time with your family about? What makes her self-conscious? 

You describe her as extreme and with a potential for being volatile. The relationship seems to reached a point of no return and appears chaotic and unpredictable.

You mention you struggle bringing her up or helping her feel good about herself. It's not clear whether you're trying to fit her into someone else you think she should be or whether she actually has issues with self-esteem. A person will have issues with self-esteem if they are not accepted as they are. 

She feels she has to be someone super prim and proper around my family, but they don’t expect anything of her. After this long they just want her to make an effort and come over from time to time.she’s self-conscious about herself, I have no idea why though. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, and great to converse with. An example of her insecurity is her not wanting to go to a pool party because she’d have to wear a bikini. Despite her not wanting to be sexual I’ve told her an infinite amount of times that I think she’s beautiful and sexy, but she stays insecure in that way. I’ve never tried to make her something she’s not, unless asking her to be affectionate and telling her the lack of romance/sex has made this a friendship counts, but those were during our conversations where I was as candid with her as I could be so she knew where I was at.

[loteal]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's sad. However waiting for her to change indicates some basic incompatibilities as well as differences in your goals, values and timelines. You're right to contemplate ending things for that reason alone.

Again, be kind, final and use a "it's me, not's you" reasoning, because after all it is you. You're not happy, satisfied or ready for commitment. The reason for that is that you don't want negotiations, pleading or anger. If the reason is "you", she can not start bargaining and arguing. Clean break, no staying friends etc.

Thank you. Despite my fears, I was going to bite the bullet and go to her place tonight to tell her, but, as if she knew, she told me she had a close covid contact two days ago and wants to quarantine. Should I just call or wait it out?

[glows]

If she doesn’t want to go to a pool party because it’s a pool party and swim wear is required that shouldn’t be a huge issue. Hopefully she was left with the choice of staying home instead of being pushed to go. She may not like your friends or family in general if she’s avoiding them. Using the excuse about a bikini is besides the point. I don’t quite buy what she’s saying. 

It is frustrating being around someone who lacks confidence however and you can’t make up for someone’s insecurities. We can only respect one another and leave room for differences. 

It sounds like she’s taken the relationship forgranted also if she’s not concerned about the lack of sex and yet wants marriage with you. This makes no sense at all. You’re best letting her go permanently and go your separate ways.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, loteal said:

as if she knew, she told me she had a close covid contact two days ago and wants to quarantine. Should I just call or wait it out?

She may sense you are checking out. Given her anxiety and avoiding behaviors, you should just call. That is an especially a good idea with someone unstable or with untreated mental health issues. She's with her family. They'll be there for her.

[loteal]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

If she doesn’t want to go to a pool party because it’s a pool party and swim wear is required that shouldn’t be a huge issue. Hopefully she was left with the choice of staying home instead of being pushed to go. She may not like your friends or family in general if she’s avoiding them. Using the excuse about a bikini is besides the point. I don’t quite buy what she’s saying. 

It is frustrating being around someone who lacks confidence however and you can’t make up for someone’s insecurities. We can only respect one another and leave room for differences. 

It sounds like she’s taken the relationship forgranted also if she’s not concerned about the lack of sex and yet wants marriage with you. This makes no sense at all. You’re best letting her go permanently and go your separate ways.

At this point I've stopped arguing with her about stuff like that. I'm okay with her skipping out, but she doesn't talk to me about issues like that and so I can't say for sure if she doesn't like my friends. She seems to pick and choose what she wants to do with me, which is fine in itself, but has gotten on my nerves a ton as of late, in line with the rest of our problems I guess. I'll let her go for sure. it's the only thing to do

[glows]

2 minutes ago, loteal said:

At this point I've stopped arguing with her about stuff like that. I'm okay with her skipping out, but she doesn't talk to me about issues like that and so I can't say for sure if she doesn't like my friends. She seems to pick and choose what she wants to do with me, which is fine in itself, but has gotten on my nerves a ton as of late, in line with the rest of our problems I guess. I'll let her go for sure. it's the only thing to do

I’m sorry to hear about all this either way. Don’t drag it out and make a clean break. You’ll respect each other a lot more in the long run having the strength to do that. 

[Foxhall]

It would be interesting to hear her side of the story on this,

Personally Id be leaning towards favouring her - I suppose I understand that more reserved personality type,

I get the feeling you are a little pushy - so you are perhaps making her uncomfortable at times-

you describe the lack of intimacy so clearly she is not especially buzzing about the relationship either,

if you want to break it off in a nicer way you could go down the route of "taking a break from other and spending some time apart"

probably at your age though- a clean break and you each find someone more compatible looks the best option.