Any input I (23M) can get on breaking up with my (24F) GF as kindly as possible would be appreciated

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, loteal said:

maybe she’s tired of having this talk every 6 months or so. 

Have you had the breakup or get married/have sex talk often? 

[loteal]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you had the breakup or get married/have sex talk often? 

Breakup? Never really; I told her back in February i thought about it and she was hurt but we have the “my needs” talk ever 6 months. She asked when I’m proposing a lot 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, loteal said:

Breakup? Never really; I told her back in February i thought about it and she was hurt but we have the “my needs” talk ever 6 months. She asked when I’m proposing a lot 

Do  you think there's a power struggle going on regarding you wanting more premarital sex and her wanting more commitment/a proposal?  Does she come from a more conservative background than you?

[loteal]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do  you think there's a power struggle going on regarding you wanting more premarital sex and her wanting more commitment/a proposal?  Does she come from a more conservative background than you?

 Not really; pre pandemic we used to have sex all the time. She doesn’t come from a more conservative background, but does ascribe to the idea of making someone commit before letting them enjoy you I guess; I had no problem waiting before we had sex for the first time, and she’s my only sex partner, and unless she cheated in this time, I’m Hers

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, loteal said:

It’s either I call her or do it at her place, she doesn’t drive and I don’t think I can stomach that drive back with her. Thank you for your input though, and I do think she’d try to talk me back into it, but maybe she’s tired of having this talk every 6 months or so. 

Well I would just say that with the bolded you have to "choose your hard." If you are worried about managing it through a drive back with her--what's that like 10-15 minutes, let's say--then I can totally see why you ended up in this position. Sorry, a bit of tough love.  Honestly if one of the main components of sticking with this is the friendship bond, you (anyone pretty much) will have lots of doubts in the time AFTER the breakup, like if you did the right thing.  If you can't even manage the breakup itself it's going to be that big of a hurdle to overcome the rest of the aftermath---not to mention she will probably try to manipulate her way back in after the fact if she cannot do it on the actual breakup meeting itself. 

Often there can be one person who constantly pushes their own agenda in a relationship (especially a not happy or dysfunctional one).  Looks like she has that role. BUT how long are you going to let it go on? We can't just make her the villain because you've played a part what are you willing to do to get the life YOU want vs living the life someone else wants or suits them. Especially since she seems determined to waste it away with unmanaged anxiety as the excuse and drag you down with her. Honestly you need to take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness. Man up, sorry it must be said😊 

You have to have a plan not just for that 1/2 hour, 1 hour, that day but probably the following 3-6 months. I wouldn't mess with her or yourself by calling it a break...that's just like one foot in and one foot out. It's confusing and keeps you both connected and "waiting". And is more hurtful in the end (if you are actually concerned about her feelings). Really the BEST thing you could do for her, her happiness, your happiness is let her go so she can fix herself and you can each find people better suited for you. Sounds like you are also at growing point and people grow apart and that is ok. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that at the very beginning you both "bonded" by her confessing her "anxiety" to you and now you've been trapped all along because continuing to go forward from that point on was an unwritten agreement that you would be catering to it. Big red flag.  Correct me if I'm wrong but I some people do that especially that 4 years later are still crying wolf!

Truly COMMIT to what you want and what you want to do. It will require doing hard things NOW for good things later. 

Edited July 8, 2022 by Versacehottie

[loteal]

5 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Well I would just say that with the bolded you have to "choose your hard." If you are worried about managing it through a drive back with her--what's that like 10-15 minutes, let's say--then I can totally see why you ended up in this position. Sorry, a bit of tough love.  Honestly if one of the main components of sticking with this is the friendship bond, you (anyone pretty much) will have lots of doubts in the time AFTER the breakup, like if you did the right thing.  If you can't even manage the breakup itself it's going to be that big of a hurdle to overcome the rest of the aftermath---not to mention she will probably try to manipulate her way back in after the fact if she cannot do it on the actual breakup meeting itself. 

Often there can be one person who constantly pushes their own agenda in a relationship (especially a not happy or dysfunctional one).  Looks like she has that role. BUT how long are you going to let it go on? We can't just make her the villain because you've played a part what are you willing to do to get the life YOU want vs living the life someone else wants or suits them. Especially since she seems determined to waste it away with unmanaged anxiety as the excuse and drag you down with her. Honestly you need to take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness. Man up, sorry it must be said😊 

You have to have a plan not just for that 1/2 hour, 1 hour, that day but probably the following 3-6 months. I wouldn't mess with her or yourself by calling it a break...that's just like one foot in and one foot out. It's confusing and keeps you both connected and "waiting". And is more hurtful in the end (if you are actually concerned about her feelings). Really the BEST thing you could do for her, her happiness, your happiness is let her go so she can fix herself and you can each find people better suited for you. Sounds like you are also at growing point and people grow apart and that is ok. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that at the very beginning you both "bonded" by her confessing her "anxiety" to you and now you've been trapped all along because continuing to go forward from that point on was an unwritten agreement that you would be catering to it. Big red flag.  Correct me if I'm wrong but I some people do that especially that 4 years later are still crying wolf!

I agree with you on it all. I’m a sap and sentimental that way at my core, but it needs to be done for both our sakes. I can deal with the pain after the fact, it’ll suck but I keep busy a lot so I have that going for me. We never bonded over her anxiety though. That bond is our promise to each other to get married and be together forever though. We both bought into it, but clearly that can’t be the case. Yes, I’m being a wimp about it and I get that. I just need to go ahead and do it

[introverted1]

A break is just another word for a break-up.  it might soothe you in the moment with its (likely false) promise of getting back together in the future, but the reality is that the issues that lead to a break are rarely resolved in the short amount of time that is implied in a break.

 

[loteal]

On 7/8/2022 at 3:26 PM, introverted1 said:

A break is just another word for a break-up.  it might soothe you in the moment with its (likely false) promise of getting back together in the future, but the reality is that the issues that lead to a break are rarely resolved in the short amount of time that is implied in a break.

 

I would though; I’m going to therapy and try to figure out how I can better, but I do want her. I just want the old her, the one from our first year. At this point I’m so annoyed and upset all the time I need that reset so I can start trusting her again 

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, loteal said:

I would though; I’m going to therapy and try to figure out how I can better, but I do want her. I just want the old her, the one from our first year. At this point I’m so annoyed and upset all the time I need that reset so I can start trusting her again 

You are kidding yourself if you think you can bring back the "old" her from the first year of your relationship.  She will never be that person again and you can't recapture the past.  You sound very resistant to accept that this relationship needs to end, but sooner or later you will have no choice but to accept it because you will come crashing down to reality.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, loteal said:

I just want the old her, the one from our first year. 

This is really flawed thinking. 

She has been this person for the majority of your relatioship now. This is who she is. Staying in a relationship and hoping for a different version of her is fantasy-thinking, and doing a major disservice to yourself (and her) 

Relationships don't have a "resest" button like that. If you are unahppy with how things are and have been for the last few years, you need to stop making excuses to yourself and stop beating the dead horse. 

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, loteal said:

I just want the old her, the one from our first year.

Ok, but do you see that this is unrealistic?  First off, it's been 3 years since that "old her" existed. She's been this person for 3 times as long as she was that person.  Moreover, the desire to become that person again has to come from her, not you.

It is natural to mourn the end of a relationship. Loss often makes us recall the good in a situation or person more than the bad.  It seems that this is what is happening to you.  It's fine to mourn.  But it's not realistic to think that your gf can become someone she hasn't been for over 3 years.  People change.  Your gf is who she is right now.  That's not to say that she (and you, for that matter) won't go through more changes over the course of your lives, but that's really not the point.  All you can do is evaluate current her and current you and the current relationship.  And, from what you've written, you've been unhappy, justifiably so, for quite some time.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, loteal said:

 I need that reset so I can start trusting her again 

That's not how this works.  That's literally not how any of this works.  There is no such thing as a "reset" in a relationship.  You have some really unhealthy ways of thinking and you are a bit out of touch with reality.  When a relationship is as dead and dysfunctional as this one, you need to put an end to it.  Yes it's difficult and painful but you get through it and that's part of life.

[Venus080411]

I have to agree with what everyone else is saying here.  At the end of the day, you are not happy with the relationship.  You even expressed your unhappiness to your partner and she hasn't done anything to make you more happy.  As I see it, you have done all you can to try to fix it when you expressed your unhappiness.  It is not like you are just giving up and leaving.  You told her exactly the issues.  A partner should respect you enough to try to make you happy.  A relationship is about compromises. 

[loteal]

 

First off, I wanted to thank everyone who responded to my post. I’m grateful that others could see my point of view, and feel validated since I felt my gripes weren’t legitimate. 

It’s kind of a non-update, but tomorrow I’ll be calling her and telling her the news. I was planning to tell her once I saw her on Wednesday, the day she asked me to hang out last week. She informed me her mom got covid, and she was close to her, so she’s isolating for a week. She was upset and in a bad mood about it, and didn’t want to zoom with me that night as a substitute for seeing each other because of her bad mood. Kind of encapsulates one of the issues with us, so I wasn’t surprised.

Since then, she’s been sending me memes and the like, and I can’t have her doing that. I feel tremendous guilt responding to these posts like everything is normal, despite the fact I’m planning on leaving. I spoke to my therapist since I posted as well, and we agreed I’d have to do this in a way that allows me to sleep at night. I do think not doing it in person is absolutely cowardly, but now that I’ve made up my mind it feels so gross to keep acting like things are okay when she sends me TikTok’s or texts me. This bandaid needs to be ripped off now.

I’m planning on giving her a call tomorrow, and telling her something along the lines of “the way things have evolved with us haven’t led me to stop loving you, but they have led to a breakdown of my own self-esteem, and I don’t feel fully in control of that while in this relationship, so I’ll be stepping back from us, and can’t see things continuing with us right now. I care deeply about you, and us, but it’s time I put my needs first. I hope you can understand.” I’ll let the conversation go from there, and see what she says. I know lots of posters mentioned a clean break, and I do feel that’s where things will end up most likely, but I’ll see what she says and go from there. I hate feeling like I’m abandoning her, but it’s also time I put my needs first. I don’t know if I’ll be back after posting this, but I just wanted to thank you all again for your support.

TL:DR: I won’t be seeing her, but I’ll be calling my gf, fully explain why I’m leaving the relationship, and move from there.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's good that you have made your decision to end it, OP. 

The tough part will be to stick to it when she inevitably gets emotional and tries to convince you to stay. You are going to need to remember your bottom line, and be firm (but kind) in adhering to that. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, loteal said:

  “the way things have evolved with us haven’t led me to stop loving you, but they have led to a breakdown of my own self-esteem, and I don’t feel fully in control of that while in this relationship, so I’ll be stepping back from us, and can’t see things continuing with us right now. I care deeply about you, and us, but it’s time I put my needs first. I hope you can understand.” 

Keep it kind, diplomatic and simple. Blaming her for your self esteem isn't fair. You're also not really ending things so it seems you are telling her she needs to change by taking a break. You're leading her on with false hope which is cruel.

Reconsider this confusing and hurtful message. Try to use more compassion. 

 

[loteal]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep it kind, diplomatic and simple. Blaming her for your self esteem isn't fair. You're also not really ending things so it seems you are telling her she needs to change by taking a break. You're leading her on with false hope which is cruel.

Reconsider this confusing and hurtful message. Try to use more compassion. 

 

I don’t want it to come across that way, so thank you for the input.

 

Do I explain how this feels more like a friendship? I’m okay to stay as friends with her, it wouldn’t change how we interact at all unfortunately. I will emphasize to her that I’m not mad at her, don’t blame her for anything, and just think this is best for us in the long run 

[letotron454]

22 minutes ago, loteal said:

I don’t want it to come across that way, so thank you for the input.

 

Do I explain how this feels more like a friendship? I’m okay to stay as friends with her, it wouldn’t change how we interact at all unfortunately. I will emphasize to her that I’m not mad at her, don’t blame her for anything, and just think this is best for us in the long run 

If it were me, I wouldn't even offer friendship. Which I know sounds a bit cruel but, and this is just my opinion, would seem like it could be giving her false hope.

He still wants to talk to me so if I just hold on we'll be back together

Don't get me wrong that doesn't mean that somewhere down the road you two couldn't be friends but right now, the wound will be so fresh that it probably wouldn't heal if the two of you are in constant communication.

[loteal]

5 minutes ago, letotron454 said:

If it were me, I wouldn't even offer friendship. Which I know sounds a bit cruel but, and this is just my opinion, would seem like it could be giving her false hope.

He still wants to talk to me so if I just hold on we'll be back together

Don't get me wrong that doesn't mean that somewhere down the road you two couldn't be friends but right now, the wound will be so fresh that it probably wouldn't heal if the two of you are in constant communication.

That’s not cruel, it’s fair. The entirety of our communication at this point is just TikTok’s and she’ll text me if something comes up in her life she wants to talk about, that’s about it. Saying we’re friends wouldn’t change how we interact at all, sad as it is. I’m the type of person who’ll have to block her off everything once I’ve left if she doesn’t want to stay friends, so I’ll have to say we can be friends then see what she does before I react 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, loteal said:

Do I explain how this feels more like a friendship?

She already knows you're not having sex, so it's a thinly veiled explanation for why you want a 'break". Do you want to end it or do you wish to just reintroduce sex  into the picture? She's not responsible for your self esteem nor that you have resorted to compulsive porn viewing. Try to separate your issue from her issues.

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't need to say it feels more like a friendship. She is already well aware of that, I am sure. 

Simply tell her that you care about her but no longer see a future together. It's not as though this is coming out of the blue. There have been problems for ages. I am sure as much as she wanted to convince herself this wasn't going to happen, she won't be shocked. 

[loteal]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

She already knows you're not having sex, so it's a thinly veiled explanation for why you want a 'break". Do you want to end it or do you wish to just reintroduce sex  into the picture? She's not responsible for your self esteem nor that you have resorted to compulsive porn viewing. Try to separate your issue from her issues.

Neither, but I'm leaning towards the ending of the relationship. I'm too resentful to try and bring sex back, I'm at the point where I feel like a creep for kissing my gf based on how much she's rejected me. The friendship bond is really close, and I think it could be used in the future to re-start our relationship, so my personal desire is 6 months away or so. I recognize that's selfish though, so we'll likely split for good but I'd like to bring that up when i call her

[loteal]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You don't need to say it feels more like a friendship. She is already well aware of that, I am sure. 

Simply tell her that you care about her but no longer see a future together. It's not as though this is coming out of the blue. There have been problems for ages. I am sure as much as she wanted to convince herself this wasn't going to happen, she won't be shocked. 

the way she asks me if I still feel that way leads me to believe she doesn't. She's told me our issues happened to a lot of couples over COVID, and that it's not good, but normal on some level. In her head things are somehow okay, which is why it's hurting me to leave. It'll get done though

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, loteal said:

I hate feeling like I’m abandoning her, but it’s also time I put my needs first.

You aren't be abandoning her, you're breaking up.  Couples do it everyday.  Not all relationships work out.