Any input I (23M) can get on breaking up with my (24F) GF as kindly as possible would be appreciated

[loteal]

15 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

It would be interesting to hear her side of the story on this,

Personally Id be leaning towards favouring her - I suppose I understand that more reserved personality type,

I get the feeling you are a little pushy - so you are perhaps making her uncomfortable at times-

you describe the lack of intimacy so clearly she is not especially buzzing about the relationship either,

if you want to break it off in a nicer way you could go down the route of "taking a break from other and spending some time apart"

probably at your age though- a clean break and you each find someone more compatible looks the best option.

I’m okay with her being reserved, in fact I loved that about her; I don’t think I’m pushy, I’ve been good about not pushing an issue for the last year, and our last big discussion was in February after she initiated it. After that I’ve kind of taken my foot off the pedal with us and let her take the lead so I didn’t feel like the only one in the relationship; I’ve always done my best to respond in kind though. I’ve supported her, let her spend as much time away from me to focus on school, etc. without issue, and think that I’ve been a good boyfriend. I’ve never tried to force her to do anything sexual with me, and in the last few months I haven’t even tried to initiate anything, neither has she. 
 

I’d love to take a break over breaking up so that we could both see what’s important for us; like I mentioned, I don’t want to leave, I feel like I have to. I can’t marry her under this version of the relationship, but starting again after some time (I want to use a period of time like that to go to therapy, but if she used it to see others I wouldn’t be upset) isn’t the worst idea in my mind. 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, loteal said:

I’d love to take a break over breaking up so that we could both see what’s important for us; like I mentioned, I don’t want to leave, I feel like I have to. I can’t marry her under this version of the relationship, but starting again after some time (I want to use a period of time like that to go to therapy, but if she used it to see others I wouldn’t be upset) isn’t the worst idea in my mind. 

You keep saying that you want to "take a break" rather than officially break up.  This is a massive cop-out and doing yourself and her a huge disservice.  Letting it drag out or remain ambiguous only prolongs the pain and bad feelings and leaves you feeling like you have a cloud over your head.  You need to make a CLEAN break, be clear about it, so that you can both heal and move forward.  If this relationship is so unhappy and dysfunctional, what makes you think it can somehow be good enough for marriage in the future?  Sorry that that is very naive.  I know this is hard but you need to face reality, this joyless relationship needs to end, and the only healthy way to end it is to make a clean break.  

 

[glows]

8 hours ago, loteal said:

I’m okay with her being reserved, in fact I loved that about her; I don’t think I’m pushy, I’ve been good about not pushing an issue for the last year, and our last big discussion was in February after she initiated it. After that I’ve kind of taken my foot off the pedal with us and let her take the lead so I didn’t feel like the only one in the relationship; I’ve always done my best to respond in kind though. I’ve supported her, let her spend as much time away from me to focus on school, etc. without issue, and think that I’ve been a good boyfriend. I’ve never tried to force her to do anything sexual with me, and in the last few months I haven’t even tried to initiate anything, neither has she. 
 

I’d love to take a break over breaking up so that we could both see what’s important for us; like I mentioned, I don’t want to leave, I feel like I have to. I can’t marry her under this version of the relationship, but starting again after some time (I want to use a period of time like that to go to therapy, but if she used it to see others I wouldn’t be upset) isn’t the worst idea in my mind. 

You’re a mix of emotions now but you’ll likely see it differently later.

She would have to change to become an entirely different person and that’s not healthy. It’s unfair to ask that of someone if you’re not happy with her. 

You mention her potentially dating others. Is there someone else in the picture you’d rather be seeing or see yourself with? 

[loteal]

4 hours ago, glows said:

You’re a mix of emotions now but you’ll likely see it differently later.

She would have to change to become an entirely different person and that’s not healthy. It’s unfair to ask that of someone if you’re not happy with her. 

You mention her potentially dating others. Is there someone else in the picture you’d rather be seeing or see yourself with? 

She wants to make it work though; not saying you’re wrong but still

 

nobody I want to see myself with, no. I’m going to get therapy for my personal issues regarding porn and compulsive sexual behaviour (I haven’t cheated but this whole thing has made me act out in terms of watching and consuming porn), but I don’t know where her head is at. If she wanted to see someone else while on break and get it out of her system since we’re the only people who we’ve had sex with, then that’s not an issue for me as long as it’s during a break 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, loteal said:

If she wanted to see someone else while on break and get it out of her system since we’re the only people who we’ve had sex with, then that’s not an issue for me as long as it’s during a break 

It seems like that is what you have in mind. Using a "break" to fulfill what's missing from the relationship. It's a short term solution, but then you'll still be incompatible and she will still be who she is.

[Venus080411]

I think a break is only a good idea if you both agree (and want) to work on your issues during that time.  It sounds to me you are not happy with her as she is now.  Her anxiety is affecting you and the lack of sex is huge in my opinion.  You can't have a healthy relationship without a good sex life...especially at your age.

I am currently doing a 60 day break with a guy I was seeing.  Sometimes you need to step back from the relationship to be able to gain clarity and perspective.  You have to do your own thing during the break though and not contact one another.  You can't grow and gain perspective if you are still in constant contact.  

[loteal]

38 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

I think a break is only a good idea if you both agree (and want) to work on your issues during that time.  It sounds to me you are not happy with her as she is now.  Her anxiety is affecting you and the lack of sex is huge in my opinion.  You can't have a healthy relationship without a good sex life...especially at your age.

I am currently doing a 60 day break with a guy I was seeing.  Sometimes you need to step back from the relationship to be able to gain clarity and perspective.  You have to do your own thing during the break though and not contact one another.  You can't grow and gain perspective if you are still in constant contact.  

Thank you for understanding. How long have you been with him, and who wanted a break? How has it been so far?

[Will am I]

 

On 7/7/2022 at 2:37 AM, loteal said:

been together for 4 years, and in the last two, things have seriously deteriorated

 

On 7/7/2022 at 2:37 AM, loteal said:

I am so heartbroken that all our promises of marriage and children and us forever aren't happening

I think your message is relatively simple and very authentic.

The way the relationship has developed, you simply do not want to marry her. You see how there are certain issues in the emotional dynamics of the relationship, issues that make you unhappy. You see how these issues do not show any signs of structural improvement, and now you have given up hope that they would improve over time. Hence there can be no marriage as far as you're concerned. And because of that, there is no purpose in the relationship anymore. It would not be fair with her if you would keep her on a string, so you're setting her free.

Is it a painful message? Absolutely. But it's a loving message.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think a break is pointless in this case. 

You aren't compatible anymore. A break isn't going to fix that. Rather than keep trying to shove a square peg into a round hole, set each other free so you can each find better matches. 

Edited July 8, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[loteal]

3 minutes ago, Will am I said:

 

 

I think your message is relatively simple and very authentic.

The way the relationship has developed, you simply do not want to marry her. You see how there are certain issues in the emotional dynamics of the relationship, issues that make you unhappy. You see how these issues do not show any signs of structural improvement, and now you have given up hope that they would improve over time. Hence there can be no marriage as far as you're concerned. And because of that, there is no purpose in the relationship anymore. It would not be fair with her if you would keep her on a string, so you're setting her free.

Is it a painful message? Absolutely. But it's a loving message.

Thank you for understanding as well. I’ll be honest, I can see her trying. I can. She says thank you after we get food now, and she tries to cuddle me a bit more, but I think I resent her too much at this point, and I can’t trust anything she does, as I’ve felt abandoned by her turning away too much by now. That’s why I’d prefer a break than a full breakup, but if that’s where things need to go I get it 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, loteal said:

That’s why I’d prefer a break than a full breakup

Breaks don't come without their own set of a damage to a relationship, though. It's not as though you can discount the cosequences of calling a time-out, even if you wound up reconciling. They complicate matters and tend to create a lot of hurt and mistrust, and rupture the security of the partnership - especially for the person who didn't ask for the break. It sends anxiety skyrocketing because they never seem to feel totally secure with their partners thereafter, never knowing if the other shoe was about the drop again. So if you think your girlfriend is anxious now, you just wait and see how much that is magnified if you two take a break.  It would be rather naive to assume this would not be the case, especially for someone who appears as anxiety-ridden as she does. 

And to be honest? In 41 years, I have almost never seen a couple who took a break it make it in the long run. Nearly every single one broke up again. 

[loteal]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Breaks don't come without their own set of a damage to a relationship, though. It's not as though you can discount the cosequences of calling a time-out, even if you wound up reconciling. They complicate matters and tend to create a lot of hurt and mistrust, and rupture the security of the partnership - especially for the person who didn't ask for the break. It sends anxiety skyrocketing because they never seem to feel totally secure with their partners thereafter, never knowing if the other shoe was about the drop again. So if you think your girlfriend is anxious now, you just wait and see how much that is magnified if you two take a break.  It would be rather naive to assume this would not be the case, especially for someone who appears as anxiety-ridden as she does. 

And to be honest? In 41 years, I have almost never seen a couple who took a break it make it in the long run. Nearly every single one broke up again. 

If my needs were met, I wouldn’t think twice about supporting her, her anxiety, or anything else. Obviously I can’t change her, but I do think a few months off are what I need. I’m miserable right now nd still want to work it out with her, so I could support that anxious behaviour. You’re probably right though, I’ll just try for a clean split and see what she says 

[Venus080411]

22 minutes ago, loteal said:

Thank you for understanding. How long have you been with him, and who wanted a break? How has it been so far?

Our situation is a bit complicated. He had a lot of childhood trauma.  He was sexually abused as a child and came from a very religious family that would not accept our relationship.  Also, although we currently live in the same country, we are from different countries and cultures, and it it is unclear if he will live here 5 years from now, which was putting a lot of unnecessary stress on our relationship given I am in my 30s and ready for a family and I wanted a more serious commitment.  

We were dating about 7 months at the time we broke up.  A month after the break up he reached out to me to apologize for not being able to commit and he said he missed me, thought about me every day and was really struggling with things (we both tried dating others in this time).  Long story short, he has to leave the country this summer for at least a month and he wanted for us to at least be friends for now.  He plans to attend therapy and work on himself in this time.  I told him I don't think being friends is a good idea during this time as he has too many issues that he needs to work out and he needs to work these issues out on his own and really figure out what he wants.  I told him we can see how we are both feeling after he returns from his trip.  60 days is about the time when he returns from the trip.  So far, it has been 3 weeks of us not talking.  I am working on myself in this time to figure out what I really want and I am hoping he is doing the same.  

When we dated our relationship was amazing so this has not been easy on either of us.   I don't want to get into a relationship that can't go the distance though, so this time will be used to gain perspective and see if we can come up with a plan (or if it is even worth it) to move the relationship forward.  

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, loteal said:

I’ll just try for a clean split and see what she says 

What do you mean "try" for it?

You don't need her endorsment to break up, OP. I sense you lack the courage to do it and are hoping she will agree so it will easier on you, but she won't agree to this. You are going to have put on your Big Boy Pants and deal with the emotional fall-out of ending it. It's part of breaking up, and it sucks. But staying in a dead relationship sucks more. 

Edited July 8, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, loteal said:

 I’ll just try for a clean split and see what she says 

You seem quite dependent on her, yet you depict her as the anxious one

[loteal]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem quite dependent on her, yet you depict her as the anxious one

I absolutely am attached to the idea of her and I. I definitely suffer from anxiety in terms of being single. “Us” is part of my identity, and I don’t want it to go away. Day to day, I have a fulfilling life outside the relationship and often it doesn’t even feel like I have a girlfriend since we don’t see each other much, have sex, etc. I still don’t want to go though. It’s not logical but it’s where I’m at.

[loteal]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What do you mean "try" for it?

You don't need her endorsment to break up, OP. I sense you lack the courage to do it and are hoping she will agree so it will easier on you, but she won't agree to this. You are going to have put on your Big Boy Pants and deal with the emotional fall-out of ending it. It's part of breaking up, and it sucks. But staying in a dead relationship sucks more. 

I do lack the courage to do it, you’re right. I didn’t think it would ever come to this but obviously nothing is Getting better, and I’m just dreading driving there and leaving her, especially since I was going to yesterday and she told me about her exposure. I’m just speaking to her like normal, because I’m not going to leave over text, and it’s breaking my heart and killing me, but you’re right. It’s gotta be done 

[Venus080411]

25 minutes ago, loteal said:

I absolutely am attached to the idea of her and I. I definitely suffer from anxiety in terms of being single. “Us” is part of my identity, and I don’t want it to go away. Day to day, I have a fulfilling life outside the relationship and often it doesn’t even feel like I have a girlfriend since we don’t see each other much, have sex, etc. I still don’t want to go though. It’s not logical but it’s where I’m at.

Is this your first girlfriend?  I don't think a break will work for you guys after reading this.  What are some things about her that you admire?  Or that you will miss?  It doesn't seem there is much good to your relationship and you are together because you just don't want to be alone and you worry about hurting her.  This isn't fair to either of you and I would suggest a clean break if this is how you feel.  You need to date other people and see what is out there. Love shouldn't feel forced and it seems like none of your needs are being met here.  She knows this and isn't doing anything to change it either, which is a red flag to me.

[loteal]

13 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

Is this your first girlfriend?  I don't think a break will work for you guys after reading this.  What are some things about her that you admire?  Or that you will miss?  It doesn't seem there is much good to your relationship and you are together because you just don't want to be alone and you worry about hurting her.  This isn't fair to either of you and I would suggest a clean break if this is how you feel.  You need to date other people and see what is out there. Love shouldn't feel forced and it seems like none of your needs are being met here.  She knows this and isn't doing anything to change it either, which is a red flag to me.

She’s smart, funny, and we get along very well. I love that we’ve got a great history together, and I can see that she tries to do her best to make things okay between us, but things stagnated too hard during covid. Things felt natural with her, but at this point they do feel friendly as opposed to romantic. She is my first serious gf, and I’ll miss our adventures, looking around plazas and bookstores, going to new places together, and showing each other new stuff 

[Venus080411]

14 minutes ago, loteal said:

She’s smart, funny, and we get along very well. I love that we’ve got a great history together, and I can see that she tries to do her best to make things okay between us, but things stagnated too hard during covid. Things felt natural with her, but at this point they do feel friendly as opposed to romantic. She is my first serious gf, and I’ll miss our adventures, looking around plazas and bookstores, going to new places together, and showing each other new stuff 

Maybe you both just need some distance to get perspective and time to reflect.  It sounds like you just need to get that spark back.  It does seem like you care for her and it is always good when both partners have good communication and try to make it work.  Sometimes when together that long you may start to take each other for granted without even realizing it and get too comfortable in the relationship.  Distance will show if you really miss each other or not.  I was personally relieved after my break up at first because I felt we weren't going anywhere long term.  After time and going on other dates, I realized I really did miss him though. More than I would have thought.

[Versacehottie]

haven't read any of the other responses but what I would say is it sounds like she's been operating on guilt-tripping you and a bit of emotional manipulation (even if unintended) for years. You've been living to pander to her anxiety and not upset her to the point that it sounds like you've wasted almost two years of your life in a dead end relationship, 

I think you should break up with her in a separate location. If you are at her home or car, it will go on and on. I would expect that she will almost be able to talk you back into being in the relationship. I think a park or quiet restaurant/bar or some place like that where she will not be able to make it about "what you are doing to her" and there is a natural end point because you're at a place which will require leaving the place. I think unfortunately she has used the "anxiety" claim as an excuse for most things that go on in relationship and to get her way within the relationship. It probably will not be easy to get out of this TBH. You should be prepared for more of the same. You have to stand firm. Have a plan, stick to the plan. 

You keep mentioning "you love her". You need to change that statement in your head to I have love for her BUT the relationship has run its course--not 'in love' with her anymore."  Got to set the mental mindset and mental stage so that you can succeed in what you want to do. Good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

the relationship has run its course

I agree. 

You have outgrown it, OP. And that makes sense, given how young you both were when you started dating. Time to spread those wings. 

[loteal]

27 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

haven't read any of the other responses but what I would say is it sounds like she's been operating on guilt-tripping you and a bit of emotional manipulation (even if unintended) for years. You've been living to pander to her anxiety and not upset her to the point that it sounds like you've wasted almost two years of your life in a dead end relationship, 

I think you should break up with her in a separate location. If you are at her home or car, it will go on and on. I would expect that she will almost be able to talk you back into being in the relationship. I think a park or quiet restaurant/bar or some place like that where she will not be able to make it about "what you are doing to her" and there is a natural end point because you're at a place which will require leaving the place. I think unfortunately she has used the "anxiety" claim as an excuse for most things that go on in relationship and to get her way within the relationship. It probably will not be easy to get out of this TBH. You should be prepared for more of the same. You have to stand firm. Have a plan, stick to the plan. 

You keep mentioning "you love her". You need to change that statement in your head to I have love for her BUT the relationship has run its course--not 'in love' with her anymore."  Got to set the mental mindset and mental stage so that you can succeed in what you want to do. Good luck

It’s either I call her or do it at her place, she doesn’t drive and I don’t think I can stomach that drive back with her. Thank you for your input though, and I do think she’d try to talk me back into it, but maybe she’s tired of having this talk every 6 months or so. 

[Will am I]

Two things:

1. you miss doing new stuff, exploring new activities. That’s bound to happen in any relationship. Changing partners won’t help against this (unless you plan to keep changing partners frequently foe the eest of your life).

2. you indicate how you miss her initiative towards physical intimacy. Long standing marriages have failed because the wife never comes on to the husband anymore. If you’re in that place while young and pre marriage, I don’t think you should marry.

[glows]

Just now, loteal said:

It’s either I call her or do it at her place, she doesn’t drive and I don’t think I can stomach that drive back with her. Thank you for your input though, and I do think she’d try to talk me back into it, but maybe she’s tired of having this talk every 6 months or so. 

Make it a clean break and do as others suggested. Remain firm about your choice to end it. Be firm to be kind and do not go back and forth on your decision. 

You can do it over the phone and leave it at that. She's a grown up and she can handle her emotions on her own. Try not to overextend yourself here.