Harassment by my husband's poacher

[peachpie]

My nextdoor neighbor, I discovered, was "mate poaching" my husband for years, all while pretending she was my friend. He worked from home and she didn't work at all, and years later I discovered she'd invite him over on his lunch hour, ask him for favors in her house, text him for help and advice, call him when he was home alone... She warned me when she moved in 18 years ago that all women hated her, and this is why, apparently.

 

My husband swears it was INNOCENT. He didn't intend to hide it from me, but helping her just took 2 seconds of his time. She was our neighbor and friend, but, I'm sorry - she knew what she was doing. 

 

Trust me - I am so hurt and furious with my husband. We've been to counseling and the counselors believe he is innocent.

 

My husband treats me like a queen, we've been married 30 years, have 2 great kids, a beautiful home. I have a great career and great extended family and a great life. Her life is the opposite, so my gut is telling me she got pleasure in my husband deceiving me to tend to her. 

 

For YEARS she kept asking me how my marriage was - like planting a seed of doubt in my head, she'd drop hints that she was alone with my husband in our house, she told me she was caught sexting and asked me if I thought my husband sexted women - "because you are SO sweet, I'd hate your husband to hurt you or cheat on you," she told me how sexual she was and men need sexual releases and getting one outside of the marriage is just fulfilling a biological need, she always had SOMETHING of ours displayed on her front steps to let me know she was alone with my husband - a rake, a shovel... I trusted my husband and never bit at these clues. Plus, I thought this woman was my friend. If she was in a relationship with my husband, would she be dropping clues? I'd think not.

 

My question to you is this. I discovered the secret friendship in spring 2020 and I texted her in spring 2020 to ask about the hundreds of texts and calls on our phone bill and if her husband knew about this friendship with my husband - because I sure didn't! I was hoping he did so at least I would know my husband wasn't cheating and I was hoping she'd apologize and show me the texts on her phone. My husband had them all deleted.

 

Instead, she acted like a frightened mistress. She texted that I was making "scandalous allegations." My husband and I blocked her on our phones at that moment - and I told him I was divorcing him if he contacted her again. None of us have spoken since. We ignore her now.

 

She's been hiding from me since spring 2020. She runs inside her house, "scared," when she sees me - it seems like an act for the neighbors. She parks behind her house to avoid me. She called the police to say I stole stakes out of her yard - just to get a police report on file.

 

She then filed to get a restraining order against me?!?! Again, my guess is to silence me. She testified under oath that I was plotting to MURDER her and her children, I was sending hitman to scare her in the middle of the night, I was stealing from her, stalking her, hacking her internet - she was clearly trying to silence me from telling her husband - which I never did tell him, BUT WHY SILENCE ME IF THE FRIENDSHIP WAS AS INNOCENT AS MY HUSBAND CLAIMS? 

 

The restraining order didn't go through as the judge saw she was lying. 

 

She's been harassing me now for 2.5 years - aiming 4 security cameras at our house to embarrass us in front of the neighbors, setting sirens off when I exit my home, putting "be respectful" signs aimed at our backyard, throwing weeds in our grass, blocking our driveway...

 

Please help me! What is your opinion on why she is doing this? Was it a love affair or is she pretending it was? Do mate poachers punish the wife when their game ends???

 

She convinced the neighbors and her husband that we are at war because I am a thief -LIE- but why not say the truth - the war is because I inquired as to the nature of her friendship with my husband?

 

THANK YOU

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, peachpie said:

the war is because I inquired as to the nature of her friendship with my husband?

Get a restraining order against her and call a peace office/the police if there are incidents that break the law such as parking. Your husband is the problem if he is running over there all the time. She is not "poaching" anything if he likes to run over there.

[peachpie]

He's not running over there. It ended 2.5 years ago.

[peachpie]

My question is - do you think this woman is harassing because she has problems and is trying to make me believe there was an affair? 

Or would a mistress act this way?

I don't understand the harassment. Why can't she leave us alone?

 

Edited July 8, 2022 by peachpie

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, peachpie said:

My question is - do you think this woman is harassing because she has problems and is trying to make me believe there was an affair? 

Or would a mistress act this way?

 

Any thing is possible from a scorned ow. She is still your neighbor correct? 

[peachpie]

Yes, and the harassment continues... just stupid things like dumping weeds in our driveway.

I believe my husband.

If it was an affair, I'd think she'd just quietly fade away into the sunlight, but she wants to be relevant by her outrageous behavior.

Why can't she let it go and move on?

I can't make sense of it. Is she a hurt mistress or a nut trying to break me, and for what reason?

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, peachpie said:

Yes, and the harassment continues... just stupid things like dumping weeds in our driveway.

I believe my husband.

If it was an affair, I'd think she'd just quietly fade away into the sunlight, but she wants to be relevant by her outrageous behavior.

Why can't she let it go and move on?

I can't make sense of it. Is she a hurt mistress or a nut trying to break me, and for what reason?

Well... could be a combo of both! Can you put up a cheap security camera and catch her doing thing's? Then you would have solid proof and could probably contact your local police. Just an idea.  

[peachpie]

Yes and we have everything photographed and documented per our lawyer.

 She is punishing us and I don’t know why. 
 

she tried to get me jailed and fired!! She tried to destroy me. 

I am starting to think her game with my husband was more about hurting me than wanting/ needing him.

 

can anyone relate to this harassment? She and my husband were “friends.” I don’t understand her anger and revenge 

[Myabee]

18 minutes ago, peachpie said:

Yes and we have everything photographed and documented per our lawyer.

 She is punishing us and I don’t know why. 
 

she tried to get me jailed and fired!! She tried to destroy me. 

I am starting to think her game with my husband was more about hurting me than wanting/ needing him.

 

can anyone relate to this harassment? She and my husband were “friends.” I don’t understand her anger and revenge 

It sounds like she needs some mental assistance. She could very well feel an overwhelming fear of rejection as I know I did when MM tossed me out for the wife. The pain of being a scorned OW sometimes is overwhelming. Being that you are in such close proximity it is probably even harder for her to get passed what ever happened between them. I guess keep the evidence and perhaps a restraining order will stop?  

[peachpie]

Thank you for your honesty.

 I don’t know why their friendship was secret. If everyone was honest, it could still be going on!

why wouldn’t she apologize or attempt to ease my mind? She’s married, too! 
 

she couldn’t have been in love with my husband if she did nothing to save their friendship, right? 

[peachpie]

Myabee, the harassment is a constant reminder to me of my husband’s deceit - causing ME pain.

We can’t move on as a couple because she’s constantly aggravating 

[vla1120]

29 minutes ago, peachpie said:

Yes and we have everything photographed and documented per our lawyer.

 She is punishing us and I don’t know why. 
 

she tried to get me jailed and fired!! She tried to destroy me. 

I am starting to think her game with my husband was more about hurting me than wanting/ needing him.

 

can anyone relate to this harassment? She and my husband were “friends.” I don’t understand her anger and revenge 

Twenty six years ago, I went through a similar (but less traumatic) experience. After their affair was revealed (she was supposedly my best friend) I no longer wanted to live two doors down from her. I put our house on the market and moved to another town. 

Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. I understand that, in some cases, you should stand your ground and stay in your home, but life is too short. This woman is making very serious accusations against you and if law enforcement cannot or will not do something about it, I would consider moving to get away from that stress and aggravation. 

Also, my husband vehemently denied anything was happening for more than a year and I trusted him. It was not until my 5 year old daughter caught them in the act and told me about how they were "laying together and kissing like they were married in the movies" that I knew something more was happening. He still denied it and said my daughter didn't see what she thought she saw. If you husband wants to save your marriage, he'd be more than happy to get away from her for good, I would think.

[vla1120]

41 minutes ago, peachpie said:

She is punishing us and I don’t know why. 

In my case, it escalated when I got pregnant. She was unable to bear children and when I unexpectedly got pregnant, something clearly snapped in her. In fact, my husband received a call from my OB early in the pregnancy asking me to come into the office to discuss getting some additional tests because the latest blood work indicated a possible problem with the baby. Instead of telling me, he went to her house and told HER. When I came home from work that day, she said "Are you going to tell her the baby probably has Down Syndrome??" I was FURIOUS at him. 

Don't forget, your husband played a role in this betrayal, too. HE should be taking the most active role in resolving this issue to keep his family safe in their home/sanctuary.

 

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, peachpie said:

Yes and we have everything photographed and documented per our lawyer.

Excellent. When you have enough documentation, get a restraining order. That way she will have to stay away from you and your property.

It doesn't matter why she is doing this. Maybe she has mental health issues, substance abuse or drinking issues, maybe she is a Fatal Attraction case.

What is your husband's explanation and stance on this?

[Myabee]

17 minutes ago, peachpie said:

Myabee, the harassment is a constant reminder to me of my husband’s deceit - causing ME pain.

We can’t move on as a couple because she’s constantly aggravating 

How about couple's counseling? You know that could help you. Real sorry you are in this position. 

[peachpie]

 

i keep thinking she can’t have been in love with him to not try to smooth it over with me… and then continue their game

she went directly to high drama with her lies

 

my gut says “she doth protest too much” - she is attempting to show the world I am mentally ill for fear I will share what I know. No one would believe me because she’s already gotten to them.

 

my husband’s so convincing it was 2 neighbors helping each other and she is nuts and jealous of me

 

 

 

 

[FMW]

You need to move.  I understand that is a major action to take, but whatever the reality is, it's been going on for too long.  

You shouldn't even have to be wondering about any of the details or whether or not she (or your husband for that matter) are telling the truth.  

Your husband's loyalty and priority should be you and your marriage, not being a "nice" neighbor.  Be sure you are looking very closely at his part in this, don't just give him a pass.  At the very least, he allowed her to cause this chaos in your life.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, peachpie said:

i keep thinking she can’t have been in love with him to not try to smooth it over with me

I don't quite follow that logic, if I'm being honest. 

She could have been in love with your husband and be a total nutter. The two are not mutually exclusive. 

[torn_heart]

You said she is also married?

if she is we don’t know the story she told her husband, 

The thing of this scenarios is the public opinion, if it was all innocent (and I believe it was) she would end as a wife who was seeking another woman’s husband for an affair, but was caught before fulfilling her purpose. 
Since nothing happened she would look very bad (fearing you tell her husband and the rest of the neighbors) so she might try to tell another story, a story of a paranoid woman who thinks every other woman is after her husband and act/build accordingly to that narrative. 

[peachpie]

Torn Heart - thank you! I agree! She told one set of neighbors that I lost my mind and started stealing from her and that is why she’s not speaking to me anymore and that’s why she needs the cameras. I imagine she told her husband the same thing.
 

She would have my husband in her home to help her with little chores her own husband could do. I think she wanted something to start with my husband but it never did. My husband is kind of an airhead and I don’t think he was thinking the way she was thinking. I’ve been with him 30 years and he’s never cheated on me. He just isn’t that type of guy. He has no game. Lol  

She told me all men find her sexually attractive and all men want her and I think it made her mad that my husband wasn’t making any moves but I think she liked the game that he was deceiving me.

I feel like now she is making a mockery of us because we look like the perfect little family in the perfect little house and she didn’t get her way

Thank you because I felt like I was losing my mind trying to understand this, but your input makes sense

 

 

[peachpie]

Myabee - She lived there for 18 years and was unemployed and was always sitting out in her yard. When I would pull in from work she would start her bragging. She would always ask how my marriage was and wonder if my husband was cheating on me…. I see now that she was looking to upset me. I think the torn heart poster hit the nail on the head when she said that this woman was looking for something more and it never happened. My husband didn’t cheat on me and we’ve been to counseling and the counselors even agree that he was acting neighborly towards her. She was looking for something more and didn’t get it and she was shocked. I think she’s shocked that he told me the extent of their friendship and she was scared I was going to tell her husband so instead of me doing that she’s creating that she is the victim.

Torn heart said it correctly. She was a woman looking for something more and didn’t get it

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, peachpie said:

She then filed to get a restraining order against me?!?! Again, my guess is to silence me. She testified under oath that I was plotting to MURDER her and her children, I was sending hitman to scare her in the middle of the night, I was stealing from her, stalking her, hacking her internet -

Whatever may or may not have happened between your husband and this woman, the simple explanation seems to be that she's become delusional in some way. Unfortunate that you have to live next to this, but there may be no easy solution. IMO you would be wise to be prepared just in case this "escalates" and she shows up at your door one night or attempts to attack you or similar. Not saying that will happen, but you never know in a situation like this, unfortunately.

[basil67]

Why wouldn't she apologise or attempt to ease your mind?  Because she doesn't want to!!!!   Quite simply, it is what it is.

Thing is, you're asking the wrong question. Irrational behaviour cannot be explained or understood and you'll just be spinning your wheels trying to do so.   The right question involves finding solutions.  You should be asking "what are we going to do about this?"   As far as I can see, showing her husband all the messages, restraining orders or moving house are really only the options open to you.

 

 

[peachpie]

Stillafool- it isn’t going away because she is harassing me.

 

 I wanted a happy neighborhood. I am the victim here.

 I believe my husband. 

[peachpie]

4 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Twenty six years ago, I went through a similar (but less traumatic) experience. After their affair was revealed (she was supposedly my best friend) I no longer wanted to live two doors down from her. I put our house on the market and moved to another town. 

Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. I understand that, in some cases, you should stand your ground and stay in your home, but life is too short. This woman is making very serious accusations against you and if law enforcement cannot or will not do something about it, I would consider moving to get away from that stress and aggravation. 

Also, my husband vehemently denied anything was happening for more than a year and I trusted him. It was not until my 5 year old daughter caught them in the act and told me about how they were "laying together and kissing like they were married in the movies" that I knew something more was happening. He still denied it and said my daughter didn't see what she thought she saw. If you husband wants to save your marriage, he'd be more than happy to get away from her for good, I would think.

I would like  to hear more about your story. I am so sorry . That is awful.
 

Thank you for replying to me.