suckered Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 So I have a group of friends that I have known for about 15 years. We are not super close but we have a group chat going most days and catch up in person about once every 1-2 months. Few months ago my mum died unexpectedly and I told the friend I am closest to from the group but didn't post it in the group chat. That friend did express condolences when told directly but no further inquiries or support. None of them have lost a parent yet but I have sent supportive messages when any of them had a parent in hospital and even flowers for when one of them was in hospital. Also when the new child was born. Is it too much to expect that I get a text "Condolences for your mum's passing" from others in the group? I got flowers from people I knew less well. They are all now acting like nothing has happened and are inviting me to group outings as usual. I just don't feel like I want to do much with this group anymore. Life is short for crappy friends and why even spend 5 hours a month on them.. How to best go about this? If I tell them the reason I no longer wish to attend group get-togethers they will probably offer some lame apology and forced condolences which still doesn't help. I can keep making excuses or ignore their messages all-together.
basil67 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my mum. You say that you didn't advise the group chat. Of the friend you did tell, did you ask them to tell the others? if not, perhaps they are letting you tell your own news and the rest of the group doesn't know your mom died? Were they advised of the date of the funeral? I wish I had answers for you, but I don't want to make assumptions without knowing more about what was said Edited July 9, 2022 by basil67 3
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 1 hour ago, suckered said: Few months ago my mum died unexpectedly and I told the friend I am closest to from the group. I got flowers from people I knew less well. Sorry this happened. Condolences. It seems now you know who your real friends are and who are just fair weather friends. Distance yourself from the group chat people. Seek out support from real life friends and family. Those who stand by you. 2
Author suckered Posted July 9, 2022 Author Posted July 9, 2022 1 hour ago, basil67 said: I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my mum. You say that you didn't advise the group chat. Of the friend you did tell, did you ask them to tell the others? if not, perhaps they are letting you tell your own news and the rest of the group doesn't know your mom died? Were they advised of the date of the funeral? I wish I had answers for you, but I don't want to make assumptions without knowing more about what was said No, I didn't tell that friend to tell others but she is the type that told them anyway (she never keeps anything to herself). I don't find that me not telling them directly is an excuse. I was never told directly that someone's parent was in hospital and still sent a supportive message when I heard. People that sent me flowers (who I considered acquaintances) were not told directly either. Funeral was limited to 5 people due to COVID but even in normal times, don't think those people would attend the funeral. I guess I just really felt disappointed that they couldn't even manage a one-liner text. Even my bosse's boss who I never told either and who doesn't even know me (I only started that job few months prior) actually called me the evening she heard the news (in her personal time) and talked to me for 30 minutes. She also gave me her phone number to call her anytime I need support and was checking in on me every few days. I think it's a very nice gesture from someone that's basically a complete stranger.
Alpacalia Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) Interactions between people aren't always as straightforward as they may seem at first glance. The truth is that there are some people who can't find the right words to say. It's not uncommon for some people to take your mind off in order for you to give your mind a rest and find some comfort. I say actions speak louder than words. If they have always been there for you, and continue to offer their time and their attention to you, you have a good friend. Some people will avoid you when you're down or because they don't want to be bummed out. Avoid these people. Other people, including perhaps some of your friends, are simply selfish self-centered individuals. Their world is too engrossed in their own to even notice what's happening in yours. Not a very good friend, to be honest. I suggest dropping them or conveying your feelings directly to them. Condolences for your mother's passing. Edited July 9, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
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