Should he care?

[Lessthan]

My spouse has a friend who’s wife doesn’t like me which is fine,  they are much younger and we have nothing in common. I tried initially to extend a friendship to her, but she wasn’t interested and never reciprocated. For me that’s all I need to know to move on. We don’t really need to be friends, just respectful acquaintances. However, she isn’t friendly towards me and multiple times has outright disrespected me. I found out she had made a pro/con list about inviting me to one of the her wedding showers. I wasn’t invited. Apparently the cons won. I went to the wedding, my spouse was a groom so I was alone. Horrible wedding, left hungry and sober. But I smiled and congratulated them, swallowing what little pride I had, but now they want to show “us” (really my spouse) their honeymoon pics and I’m just not interested. The problem is my spouse. He doesn’t acknowledge how she treats me and blames me. It maybe petty, but I never want to talk to this women let alone have dinner with her. I suggested inviting more couples but apparently that’s not ok. My real issue is my spouse not acknowledging and not defending me. Am I over reacting? Why is it on me to be nice when I’m not treated nicely? 

Edited July 9, 2022 by Lessthan
Left out a word

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Lessthan said:

The problem is my spouse. He doesn’t acknowledge how she treats me and blames me. My real issue is my spouse not acknowledging and not defending m

Sorry this is going on. You're right the problem is your spouse. You're right to put her in the acquaintance pile and simply avoid interacting or just be cordial. Your spouse doesn't want to take sides or get caught in the crossfire, so don't complain to him about her. Just write her off and only socialize as necessary being distant, cool and cordial. Your husband does not have to "defend you", you need to stand for yourself if she is rude or catty.

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Lessthan said:

We don’t really need to be friends, just respectful acquaintances. 

This is the bottom line. We all have people with whom our spouses are friends that we don’t like - as you said, we just have to be friendly and respectful.

And while your husband should acknowledge and respect your feelings, you may also have to compromise here (as you have done, by attending the wedding). This isn’t likely to be a situation where one or the other is “right” - if you want a happy marriage. 

What’s the goal here? Do your husband and his friend want you to be couple friends? Thus, the invite to look at the honeymoon photos (for the record, nobody wants to do that!). Or, would it be acceptable for them to get together just the two of them? You could see this woman at the occasional social gathering - where you could be friendly but not friends? I’m just curious to know what your spouse’s expectations are?

I ask because I have one friend who decided to pick and chose who she wanted to maintain a friendship with - among our larger circle of friends. My best friend’s husband is best friends with her husband (if that makes sense). To make a long story short, the boys get together for a beer whenever they are in town but the women seldom see each other. They are friendly, the two families have on occasion visited together, but the expectation is not that they will get together as couples and all be close friends. 

 

Edited July 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

What can your husband do?  He can't make her like you.  If you aren't comfortable around her, which I can understand, let him go alone to view the pictures.  Since he was a groomsman at the wedding he probably wants to see his pictures with his friend.  You don't have to go.  My husband has a friend that he loves to spend time with but this guy's wife and I have absolutely nothing in common and she barely talks.  I have t put up with that sometimes but mostly they get together without us around which is great.  You don't always have to be there when you husband and his friend get together.

Edited July 9, 2022 by stillafool

[Lessthan]

Thanks for the replies. I can’t figure out how to directly respond. The issue is that my spouse ignores my circumstance and is angry with me because she doesn’t like me. He sees his friend all the time, they work together, have a business together etc. His friend came over unannounced with the pics from their honeymoon which I politely excused myself after about 2 hours. My spouse and I are in a huge fight because he doesn’t see or even seem to care about my side. We’ve been together 10 years and I’m blow away by him siding with them. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Lessthan said:

The issue is that my spouse ignores my circumstance and is angry with me because she doesn’t like me.

Why is your spouse angry with you because she doesn't like you?  How can you help that?

4 minutes ago, Lessthan said:

His friend came over unannounced with the pics from their honeymoon which I politely excused myself after about 2 hours.

Did his friend come over by himself with the pics for did he also bring his wife:?

[Lessthan]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What can your husband do?  He can't make her like you.  If you aren't comfortable around her, which I can understand, let him go alone to view the pictures.  Since he was a groomsman at the wedding he probably wants to see his pictures with his friend.  You don't have to go.

Okay I just figured out how respond.

It’s because he pushing them on me. And when I said “no I don’t want to go” he got insanely mad at me. Blames me. I can’t force someone to like me so is it normal to just keep taking unfriendliness from someone? Should go over there knowing she going rude to me? How does someone just keep talking punches? 

[Lessthan]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why is your spouse angry with you because she doesn't like you?  How can you help that?

Did his friend come over by himself with the pics for did he also bring his wife:?

Just him. My spouse told him I didn’t want to get together with his wife. Didn’t tell them why so it’s making me look rude. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Lessthan said:

Okay I just figured out how respond.

It’s because he pushing them on me. And when I said “no I don’t want to go” he got insanely mad at me. Blames me. I can’t force someone to like me so is it normal to just keep taking unfriendliness from someone? Should go over there knowing she going rude to me? How does someone just keep talking punches? 

I don't blame you I wouldn't go over there either if I knew she didn't like me.  But I asked you if the friend brought her with him when he came over to show the pictures?

[stillafool]

That was rude and wrong of your husband to tell his friend that without explaining why.  How embarrassing for you.

Edited July 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Lessthan]

Just now, stillafool said:

I don't blame you I wouldn't go over there either if I knew she didn't like me.  But I asked you if the friend brought her with him when he came over to show the pictures?

No. He didn’t bring her but he always comes alone. She’s never come over even when invited. 

[Lessthan]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

That was rude and wrong of your husband to tell his friend that without explaining why.  How embarrassing for you.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated. I really don’t care what she thinks but I do care what my spouse thinks and he makes excuses for her and always blames me. I’m so defeated. I feel unloved and uncared for by the one person I have in this world. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Lessthan said:

My spouse told him I didn’t want to get together with his wife.

This is not helpful at all. I would have been very unhappy if my spouse did this. 

He’s angry at you because you don’t want to spend time with his friend and his wife. This was your punishment. 

You have been together for ten years and he is business partners with this man (I would presume that this is a long term friendship) - why so this just coming to the surface now? Is it because his new wife is now in the picture? Have you previously been friendly with his friend (and previous girlfriends)?

Edited July 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Lessthan said:

No. He didn’t bring her but he always comes alone. She’s never come over even when invited. 

Well then, the boys have to agree that they will maintain their friendship without the expectation that you will be “couple” friends. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Lessthan said:

my spouse thinks and he makes excuses for her and always blames me.

What excuses does he use for her bad behavior towards you?

[Lessthan]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is not helpful at all. I would have been very unhappy if my spouse did this. 

He’s angry at you because you don’t want to spend time with his friend and your wife. This was your punishment. 

You have been together for ten years and he is business partners with this man (I would presume that this is a long term friendship) - why so this just coming to the surface now? Is it because his new wife is now in the picture? Have you previously been friendly with his friend (and previous girlfriends)?

I’ve been friends with the husband for a long time. When she came into picture is when I first extended a friendship to her. And I’ve continued to be polite but now I guess I’m at my limit of how much I can take and my spouse is giving me hell. I’d like the whole thing dropped but it seems I’m making some kind of social error I can’t detect. 

[Lessthan]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What excuses does he use for her bad behavior towards you?

It’s my fault. I’m misinterpreting…the list was no big deal…she’s just like that…so what/shoulder shrug 

[Lessthan]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is going on. You're right the problem is your spouse. You're right to put her in the acquaintance pile and simply avoid interacting or just be cordial. Your spouse doesn't want to take sides or get caught in the crossfire, so don't complain to him about her. Just write her off and only socialize as necessary being distant, cool and cordial. Your husband does not have to "defend you", you need to stand for yourself if she is rude or catty.

Thanks for the advice. I’m just can’t understand why my spouse thinks it’s okay to tell them we will get together when he knows the dynamic. I don’t complain about her until he comes to me and says that we have to have dinner and see their honeymoon pictures. I always have to be the one who says no and then I’m the bad person. It’s a circle. Also they gave my spouse her journal from their trip so he read it! What kind of pretentious people thinks anyone else is interested in that? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lessthan said:

I went to the wedding, my spouse was a groom so I was alone.  they want to show “us”  their honeymoon pics and I’m just not interested.

How long have your husband and this man been friends? Is this a second wife or a newcomer to your social circle? Since this your husband's friend, he is just accepting his friend's wife. You don't have to be friends but polite tolerance of his friends will do.

Your husband is not going to "defend you" to his friend. He is also not going to sever friendships because you don't like his friend's wife. Make sure envy or jealousy is not the issue here.

Bite the bullet once in a while socializing. Your husband had no choice but to be honest that you do not want to socialize with them because you dislike the wife. Why should he take the fall for that? While your husband's loyalties are to you, he is not obligated to give up friendships or hate his friends' wives because you dislike them.

[Acacia98]

Your spouse's behavior is problematic. That goes without saying.

But I'm sitting here wondering who on earth told you his friend's wife made a list of pros and cons about inviting you to the event and then decided not to invite you because the cons outweighed the pros. Was that your husband too? If yes, who told him? His friend? It sounds like the height of stupidity to share that kind of info with someone and then hope for any kind of friendship to develop.

It sounds to me like your husband has some undesirable character traits. And I'm having a hard time believing that this is the first time they've become apparent. Has he ever thrown you under the bus before? Has he ever shown a tendency to need to appease people with certain personality types by bending over to accommodate them?  I'm also wondering what his family background is because these kinds of things usually have roots in a person's earlier years.

[Lessthan]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Your spouse's behavior is problematic. That goes without saying.

But I'm sitting here wondering who on earth told you his friend's wife made a list of pros and cons about inviting you to the event and then decided not to invite you because the cons outweighed the pros. Was that your husband too? If yes, who told him? His friend? It sounds like the height of stupidity to share that kind of info with someone and then hope for any kind of friendship to develop.

It sounds to me like your husband has some undesirable character traits. And I'm having a hard time believing that this is the first time they've become apparent. Has he ever thrown you under the bus before? Has he ever shown a tendency to need to appease people with certain personality types by bending over to accommodate them?  I'm also wondering what his family background is because these kinds of things usually have roots in a person's earlier years.

You’re correct that’s how I was told. I was also told that it was hard for her so I guess I’m supposed to feel bad for her. My spouse became so enraged by me taking offense to this and not caring to see their honeymoon pics he is staying at a hotel.

He doesn’t seem to care about if his friends and their spouses aren’t nice to me.

Unfortunately I think he is a lost cause. He got physically violent early which I can’t tolerate. I’m just so sad because if he can get so mad that he hurts me he must hate me so much. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by Lessthan

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Lessthan said:

You’re correct that’s how I was told. I was also told that it was hard for her so I guess I’m supposed to feel bad for her. My spouse became so enraged by me taking offense to this and not caring to see their honeymoon pics he is staying at a hotel.

He doesn’t seem to care about if his friends and their spouses aren’t nice to me.

Unfortunately I think he is a lost cause. He got physically violent early which I can’t tolerate. I’m just so sad because if he can get so mad that he hurts me he must hate me so much. 

I was going to pitch in and say he's being unreasonable. You should not be expected to socialize with HIS friends, especially after she's made it clear she doesn't like you. Any reasonable husband would understand and agree to socialize with the husband on his own. I was curious about how you found out she concocted this pro/con list that resulted in you not being invited to a wedding shower (which is bizarre.) However, now that you've said he got physically violent, that would be a deal breaker and a marriage ender for me. As far as him hating you - you are not the problem, here. Keep yourself safe.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lessthan said:

My spouse became so enraged by me taking offense to this and not caring to see their honeymoon pics he is staying at a hotel.

He apparently cares more about his friend and his new wife than his spouse. That would not be ok. There is room to compromise here - but not if he acts like this!

1 hour ago, Lessthan said:

He got physically violent early which I can’t tolerate. I’m just so sad because if he can get so mad that he hurts me he must hate me so much. 

I think you know what you need to do.

Is this the first time he has been physically violent with you? I’m just wondering if this extreme reaction is atypical or if there have been other signs previously. I find it hard to believe that he has just cracked all the sudden. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Lessthan said:

My spouse became so enraged by me taking offense to this and not caring to see their honeymoon pics he is staying at a hotel.

Something tells me there is much more to this than you not wanting to see someone's honeymoon pics. 

3 hours ago, Lessthan said:

He got physically violent early which I can’t tolerate

And here it is. What on earth happened? What is really going on in this marriage, OP? You speak about this as though it's not the first time he's been violent. How often does this happen? 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Lessthan said:

Unfortunately I think he is a lost cause. He got physically violent early which I can’t tolerate. I’m just so sad because if he can get so mad that he hurts me he must hate me so much. 

If you were not married, my first response to you would have said that you should break up with him. You see, the way he was treating you seemed so wrong to me that I felt your relationship was dead. Out of respect for the fact that you were married, though, I decided to ask for more information about your relationship first. You didn't answer most of my questions, but your indication that he turned violent tells me everything I need to know. 

I don't know why your husband is behaving the way he's behaving. But I know that the behavior you describe is both abnormal and unacceptable. If I had to guess, I'd say he had a substance abuse issue or was having an affair or was typically abusive or had developed a mental health issue.