How do people strive not to feel shame in life.

[ironpony]

I keep screwing up in life.  Screwing up in my jobs, screwing up in relationships...

And I feel so much shame sometimes, like I'm a failure but how do I out myself in a state of mind, where I don't feel shame and don't care?

Does anyone have any advice on this?  Thank you very much.  I really appreciate it.

[basil67]

Feeling shame, embarrassment, disappointment with ourselves is completely normal.  Those feelings have a purpose: they are the trigger for us to learn from the mistake and try not to repeat it.  Yes, sometimes we do repeat the mistake and feel disappointment all over again, but the point if it all is to help us not repeat it.   

Yes, there are some who don't feel shame at mistakes or question whether their own actions contributed to a problem.  I would describe them at best as being arrogant and at worst, narcissistic.  They are not the kind of people I'd choose to have in my life.  

Oh, and it's also quite normal to wake in the middle of the night with our mind reminding us about every stupid or embarrassing thing we've said or done.  

Edited July 10, 2022 by basil67

[Happy Lemming]

As far as jobs, usually there is a set of parameters you follow or should follow.  If "A" occurs, I do "B"; if "C" happens, I do "D"... a set of rules for dealing with different matters or problems.

I imagine your employer has a set of procedures for you to follow.  It should have been part of your training, did you write down these procedures/rules??  Did you take notes, if so I don't understand how you could "screw up"??  If you did your best to follow these procedures, there is no need to feel shame, if something went wrong.  There are times when circumstances/problems arise at work that our beyond our control and beyond the scope of what we can do (as employees).

As far as relationships, you can only be the best person you can be.  If the person you are dating doesn't like "X" or "Y" or "Z" about you, then you are not compatible and it is time to part ways.  I don't picture you as a person who is intentionally mean or cruel, so I assume you do your best to be a kind attentive boyfriend.  Keep in mind, your best isn't always good enough for some people and they want to move on and try someone new -- which isn't your fault, thus you shouldn't feel shame. 

As far as life, sometimes bad things happen -- Murphy's Law.  The car breaks down, the roof leaks, your dog runs away... that is just life.  Again, nothing to feel shame about.

"Into each life some rain must fall" - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

 

[ironpony]

6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

As far as jobs, usually there is a set of parameters you follow or should follow.  If "A" occurs, I do "B"; if "C" happens, I do "D"... a set of rules for dealing with different matters or problems.

I imagine your employer has a set of procedures for you to follow.  It should have been part of your training, did you write down these procedures/rules??  Did you take notes, if so I don't understand how you could "screw up"??  If you did your best to follow these procedures, there is no need to feel shame, if something went wrong.  There are times when circumstances/problems arise at work that our beyond our control and beyond the scope of what we can do (as employees).

As far as relationships, you can only be the best person you can be.  If the person you are dating doesn't like "X" or "Y" or "Z" about you, then you are not compatible and it is time to part ways.  I don't picture you as a person who is intentionally mean or cruel, so I assume you do your best to be a kind attentive boyfriend.  Keep in mind, your best isn't always good enough for some people and they want to move on and try someone new -- which isn't your fault, thus you shouldn't feel shame. 

As far as life, sometimes bad things happen -- Murphy's Law.  The car breaks down, the roof leaks, your dog runs away... that is just life.  Again, nothing to feel shame about.

"Into each life some rain must fall" - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

 

Thank you for the advice!  Well with the job, sometimes the boss puts me in charge of things on days when she is not working so I have to make my own decisions and judgment calls and things go wrong.  So to use the A, B, C type analogy, the alphabet flips around and is all over the place in the job, but I blame myself for having poor judgement, especially on days when I haven't slept well the night before and the judgment gets worse as a result I feel.

[Happy Lemming]

9 hours ago, ironpony said:

 ...so I have to make my own decisions and judgment calls and things go wrong. 

I understand... but if you are in a position to "make the call" your employer has no right to give you grief if things go wrong.  In life, sometimes things go south, plenty of times I've worked at a job and a deal fell through or the check didn't come in. That is the fault of the employer or ownership, not the employee.

My advice would be to make the most conservative call when a problem arises, something with the least amount of impact to the company's bottom line. 

In life, there comes a point where a job is too demanding and takes too much from you.  At that point, it is time to move on and try to find a different job.

I don't really have any advice for your sleep issues/insomnia. 

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

I understand... but if you are in a position to "make the call" your employer has no right to give you grief if things go wrong.  In life, sometimes things go south, plenty of times I've worked at a job and a deal fell through or the check didn't come in. That is the fault of the employer or ownership, not the employee.

My advice would be to make the most conservative call when a problem arises, something with the least amount of impact to the company's bottom line. 

In life, there comes a point where a job is too demanding and takes too much from you.  At that point, it is time to move on and try to find a different job.

I don't really have any advice for your sleep issues/insomnia. 

Thank you very much for the advice.

Well if they end up taking the money out of my pay I wonder if the job will be worth keeping if that's a risk?

But also do you think I should tell my boss that I'm sorry, but I'm not in a mental state right now where I can be put in charge of anything delicate, or will that just look worse?

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well if they end up taking the money out of my pay I wonder if the job will be worth keeping if that's a risk?

Anytime an employer starts to play with my paycheck, I turn in my 2 week notice and leave.  I've had a few instances where an employer approached me & wanted to lower my pay.  I've told every one of them "No thank you, lay me off".

My advice - don't stay at a job if they take away or lower part of your pay.

No, don't say anything to your boss... let him approach you about the mistake.  It may be minimal to the bottom line of the company and insignificant, thus no need for them to counsel you on this error. 

Funny story about an attempt to lower my pay (if you want to read it)... Many years ago, I worked for a small Mom & Pop company.  The wife came up with this idea to lower my salary, she hadn't really discussed the whole thing with her husband, though.  So she came into my office and proposed this ridiculously low figure, I told her "No, thank you, lay me off... I recently received an offer in Hilo, Hawaii, so I'm going to take that job"  What the wife didn't know was... I had caught wind of a great job on The Big Island and had phone interviewed for the job.  The position was offered to me, but I hadn't mulled through all of the details yet. There were a lot of logistics with moving to Hawaii and the pay wasn't all that great compared to what I was making.  But since the wife was going to lower my pay (significantly), the Hawaii job looked like the right call.

So I started cleaning out my desk and packing up when the husband came back from a business meeting.  He stopped in my office to discuss the latest deal and saw me gathering up my personal effects.  He asked me what was going on... I told him "Your wife just laid me off"  His response was "She did, what??"  He said "Stop and let me get to the bottom of this"  A few minutes later he came back to my office and told me "Unpack your stuff, you're not going to Hawaii, your staying here and we are not lowering your salary"

A few minutes later, the husband went back into the wife's office closed the door and I heard some yelling going back and forth, followed by the wife leaving in tears.  I didn't say a word and just kept working on my accounting.

A few minutes passed and the husband stuck his head in my office and said "Do me a favor, please don't mention Hawaii around my wife, again. It is a sore subject."  and I never did.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, ironpony said:

 

Well if they end up taking the money out of my pay I wonder if the job will be worth keeping if that's a risk?

Have they said they will take the money out of your pay?   If not, don't tie yourself in knots worrying about stuff which may not happen.

[ironpony]

They said they might and they will have to see and confer.

Well I talked to my friends about it and they said people make mistakes and I just made a mistake to learn from.  But the next day I was put in charge of something again I screwed up, and lost the company money over again.  So it seems I didn't learn I guess.

But is it really worth learning lessons from mistakes if the price that is to be paid from learning them can be quite high though?

[Alvi]

Why do they keep putting you in charge if they think that you are making many mistakes? Did they train you properly or can you actually phone someone if you are unsure what to do?

On 7/10/2022 at 10:48 PM, ironpony said:

Well with the job, sometimes the boss puts me in charge of things on days when she is not working so I have to make my own decisions and judgment calls and things go wrong.  So to use the A, B, C type analogy, the alphabet flips around and is all over the place in the job, but I blame myself for having poor judgement

How can they blame you if they don't give you any directions and expect you to use your judgement? Do you believe that other people at your job make better judgements when they are left all by themselves? I doubt it but what do you say? Sounds like a very confusing and unhealthy work environment. I think you should look for another job.

[ironpony]

On 7/13/2022 at 8:16 PM, Alvi said:

Why do they keep putting you in charge if they think that you are making many mistakes? Did they train you properly or can you actually phone someone if you are unsure what to do?

How can they blame you if they don't give you any directions and expect you to use your judgement? Do you believe that other people at your job make better judgements when they are left all by themselves? I doubt it but what do you say? Sounds like a very confusing and unhealthy work environment. I think you should look for another job.

That's a good point.  Either they don't look know any better or I am actually nor doing bad and everyone makes mistakes and thats fine to them overall.

[basil67]

14 hours ago, ironpony said:

That's a good point.  Either they don't look know any better or I am actually nor doing bad and everyone makes mistakes and thats fine to them overall.

Yes, you're right that nobody is infallible.  But I would sack an employee who was "fine" with making mistakes because it would mean they aren't working at improving. 

[ironpony]

I don't have to be fine with it, I guess I just have to not let it eat me up though and find a sweet spot, between fine with it, but not too fine?

[Happy Lemming]

This may or may not apply to the situation, but I did work for this one company.  The owner had read a book "If it Ain't broke... break it".

He embraced this mantra about a mistake or error being an opportunity to improve how things were done, thus finding a better more efficient way of doing procedures/jobs. 

So if an employee made a mistake, we would embrace the mistake, analyze it and see if we could utilize that information to make improvements.

[basil67]

18 hours ago, ironpony said:

I don't have to be fine with it, I guess I just have to not let it eat me up though and find a sweet spot, between fine with it, but not too fine?

The above is all fine, but you're not addressing what will be the main issue for your employer:  Did you learn from the mistake so that you don't repeat it?  Or, if you don't know how to not repeat it, do you ask for help in analysing what is going wrong?  Or if you think you're really not going to get it right, do you ask for a different role?

 

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

The above is all fine, but you're not addressing what will be the main issue for your employer:  Did you learn from the mistake so that you don't repeat it?  Or, if you don't know how to not repeat it, do you ask for help in analysing what is going wrong?  Or if you think you're really not going to get it right, do you ask for a different role?

 

I feel that I learn from it but then it keeps happening again when I don't see it coming.  It's like it sneaks up on me and I cannot predict it.  Maybe I am just at my most mental capacity when it happens perhaps.

[ironpony]

15 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

This may or may not apply to the situation, but I did work for this one company.  The owner had read a book "If it Ain't broke... break it".

He embraced this mantra about a mistake or error being an opportunity to improve how things were done, thus finding a better more efficient way of doing procedures/jobs. 

So if an employee made a mistake, we would embrace the mistake, analyze it and see if we could utilize that information to make improvements.

That's a good attitude, I guess it's just hard for me to embrace a mistake when they cost money.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I feel that I learn from it but then it keeps happening again when I don't see it coming.  It's like it sneaks up on me and I cannot predict it.  Maybe I am just at my most mental capacity when it happens perhaps.

Errors are not like cats who can sneak up and become a trip hazard.  There is a cause for the error and you must identify what it is.   Do you not understand the job or is it a lack of concentration on your part?

At this point in time, you're taking no ownership for what went wrong. 

Edited July 18, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

Oh I want to take ownership for it, I am just not sure what to do.  It literally seems like to me that things sneak up on me that I don't see coming.  It could be a lack of concentration from sleep problems perhaps.  I think a lot of it though, is the job changing in the sense that things come up that need addressing that normally would not come up.  I have to make decisions when the boss isn't there, and I felt that wasn't in my job description at first back when I started.  The job keeps changing lately, so I am not sure if I understand in the sense, that it keeps changing, if that makes sense?