Priya Senthil Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 My husband and I are married for 12 years, we have 3 beautiful kids. While being married, I kept contact with my ex-boyfriend here and there. We are high school sweethearts and we didn't break up because we had issues, we broke up because our parents would not let us be together because we belong to different caste and he went to prison 2 times when he was young and stupid. He is now a successful man so no doubt on his past or the things he did. In between breaking up with my ex and marrying my husband, both my ex and I saw other people too. He always told me he has feelings for me and I felt the same. He is happily married with kids and I am in an unhappy marriage because my husband is a man child- does nothing at home- absolutely nothing unless he is asked or reminded that many times. I have given up on my marriage and for the sake of kids living a separated life under one roof. Meanwhile, my ex kept asking to meet me- because remember we never and any internal issues and we both couldn't get together because I come from a strict indian family. Finally I met my ex after 15 year, and things got heated. Now I am so confused as both my ex and I felt great- he said he wants this to continue. Please help me sort out my life. My kids are important to me- we both are clearing cheating on our spouses...he has no issues with his wife and I gave up on my marriage. I never told him any of my issues...only when I met him, I told him about my life and my struggles and he felt sad. What should I do? I felt like I belonged after many years....It's almost like I went down memory lane and everything felt magical. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 43 minutes ago, Priya Senthil said: It's almost like I went down memory lane and everything felt magical. Please, don't place any bets on this lasting. This is the fantasy version of him, and you two have grown a lot since highschool. There is every chance you would not be suited to each other anymore, but you're both just dancing on adrenaline and thrills right now. That eventually gives way to reality. You're not teenagers anymore and can't assume things would be great just because you're both nostalgic for happier, simpler times. Can you ask for a divorce? As you don't want to be married anymore, this would be the logical next step but I am unsure how that would work in your particular cultural context. What would happen if your husband discovered you are cheating? Would you have another place to go? Whatever you do, remember that affairs don't usually transition into real-life relationships. Have a look around on The Other Womam/Man forum and see how stories such as yours usually play out: pain, heartache, loneliness, and many tears. Unfulfilled promises and dashed expectations. It's not a fun place to be, in the long-run. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 File for divorce and get that finalized. If you don’t plan to leave then tell your husband how you are feeling. the other man - yeah typical… he will take whatever you give him. Don’t see him again. you have no idea what his life has been - you know what he’s told you - and cheaters lie - a LOT. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 2 hours ago, Priya Senthil said: My kids are important to me- we both are clearing cheating on our spouses... What are the ramifications when your husband finds out? How old are the children? Is divorce acceptable? He just wants to fool around, he's not going to leave his wife. If she does find out she may contact your husband. Decide what the risks are for doings this or if you should just get divorced anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 12 hours ago, Priya Senthil said: Please help me sort out my life. I take it you are from India. Others can give advice - and it does indeed sound unlikely your Ex would leave his family if he has children and isn't unhappy with his wife. However, the only person who can sort out your life is you. If you have access to professional, licensed, non-judgmental therapists in India who are bound to confidentiality, then perhaps talking to one of them might help you process your emotions and help you to make calm and rational decisions about what to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 14 hours ago, Priya Senthil said: What should I do? Is divorcing your husband an option? Will he fight you for custody of your children? I would say it would be better for you to divorce before you get involved with someone else, and definitely be wary of getting involved with your ex if it will only lead to heartbreak for you since he seems to have no intention of leaving his wife. The most important thing is that you are not happy in your marriage and need to concentrate on that issue, first. Can you seek marriage counseling with your husband, or is it too far gone for that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 17 hours ago, Priya Senthil said: My husband and I are married for 12 years, we have 3 beautiful kids. While being married, I kept contact with my ex-boyfriend here and there. We are high school sweethearts and we didn't break up because we had issues, we broke up because our parents would not let us be together because we belong to different caste and he went to prison 2 times when he was young and stupid. He is now a successful man so no doubt on his past or the things he did. In between breaking up with my ex and marrying my husband, both my ex and I saw other people too. He always told me he has feelings for me and I felt the same. He is happily married with kids and I am in an unhappy marriage because my husband is a man child- does nothing at home- absolutely nothing unless he is asked or reminded that many times. I have given up on my marriage and for the sake of kids living a separated life under one roof. Meanwhile, my ex kept asking to meet me- because remember we never and any internal issues and we both couldn't get together because I come from a strict indian family. Finally I met my ex after 15 year, and things got heated. Now I am so confused as both my ex and I felt great- he said he wants this to continue. Please help me sort out my life. My kids are important to me- we both are clearing cheating on our spouses...he has no issues with his wife and I gave up on my marriage. I never told him any of my issues...only when I met him, I told him about my life and my struggles and he felt sad. What should I do? I felt like I belonged after many years....It's almost like I went down memory lane and everything felt magical. You’re down because of your lousy marriage, unfortunately so someone like him will be a welcome reprieve. Know that he cheated on his wife despite saying nothing’s wrong with his marriage. It’s only a matter of time before cracks in their marriage begin to appear. You seem to have enough on your plate and while it feels nice to be desired or liked by someone, I’d be cautious as you’re only adding to the confusion and stress. On top of a marriage that is rotting away, now you’re worried over an affair or cheating on your spouse. Unfortunately what he asks to “continue” doesn’t seem to work for you if you’re uncomfortable, worried or frustrated about the situation. It’s quite selfish of him to suggest that. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 (edited) 18 hours ago, Priya Senthil said: It's almost like I went down memory lane and everything felt magical. Of course it did, because you remember the joy of your first love when you had nothing but time to look into each other’s eyes and spend time together. That can’t possibly compare to a real life relationship that involved work, household chores, the stress of raising children, disagreements over extended family, conflicts over money/bills, etc… Your marriage is one thing. To divorce or not to divorce, that is for you to decide and it is a difficult decision. If you do decide to divorce, don’t make the decision under the assumption that he will leave his wife and you will ride off into the sunset together - a happy blended family. To say that is unlikely to happen is an understatement. You think the happiness and joy you feel in the early stages of this affair will continue - think again. The life of the other woman is not usually a happy one. The sadness, loneliness, and desperation tend to set when you watch the man you “love” go home to his wife and family. Edited July 11, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 (edited) As per your heading, you are screaming for a direction in which relationship? The affair is a dead end. There is no direction, there is nowhere to go. He is married and he’s given you no indication that this will change. He wants to continue - but there is nowhere to go. This relationship can’t progress because he is married to another woman. So, either you accept what he offers now or you end the relationship. And, it sounds like what you have now - while initially wonderful - doesn’t make you happy. So, continuing as you have been seems like a very poor choice. You want what you can not have. It will only get worse, not better. Your marriage - an entirely separate issue. If you are unhappy, you either try to fix it or you end it. Whether you can divorce in your culture, we do not know. Having an affair with a married man would most certainly not earn your any respect by your husband and your family. It’s a tough spot to be in, only you can decide the direction of this relationship. Edited July 11, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 19, 2022 Share Posted July 19, 2022 (edited) Forget about the affair. That is not going to help ANYTHING. Plus, I mean he is a man too (sorry to all the men out there!) but I bet he gets lazy and doesn't do stuff at home himself! So if you think your ex is different then your husband, I can almost guarantee he's NOT. Your husband sounds like a normal guy to me. Most men have to be asked to contribute..they aren't mindreaders and they NEVER get hints. Sorry but this is most often the case. Yes, occasionally you will run into some wonderful fairly tale version of some husband who just does everything under the sun without you asking but most men/husbands are probably not like this! I imagine thats why they get married, so the wife can do the housework and they can sit on the couch and drink beer and watch sports. I'm exaggerating, but you see my point in this. If you are looking for some version of a man who will magically know what you want without you having to communicate anything to him, well I think you may have to adjust your expecations of what a marriage and a husband is going to look like. Now all that being said...these issues don't sound like grounds for divorce to me. Have you thought about trying marriage counseling? Would your husband go if you asked him? Perhaps this would help you guys to learn how to communicate your needs and wants better to one another. Don't give up so easily and PLEASE leave your ex alone. You are talking about two families here! Work on your own marriage and let him be happy with his family. Edited July 19, 2022 by Lauriebell82 Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted July 20, 2022 Share Posted July 20, 2022 Your MM already said he's happily married with kids. Stating he always had feelings means he holds some affection for you as a childhood sweetheart. Fairly normal. He now has a life with someone else. The fantasy of high school is gone, that's old history, it's done. Divorce your husband if you are unhappy. Don't put your bets on this guy for long term.Think of him as something casual at best. Text, talk, chat every so often but that’s it. Too many of us (me included) have let their hearts go flutter, flutter over attached unavailable people. It's okay to have a crush but realize this will never morph into anything significant. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 You are being childish in your behavior and thinking, romanticizing some old boyfriend who's an ex-con and whom you haven't seen in 15 yrs yet you fall for everything he tells you simply because you want to live in a fantasy world. If you care about your kids then you will go about things in the correct order. Deal with your marriage first. If you want to save it then work on doing that. If you are done with your husband then separate and initiate a divorce and then spend a good 1-2 years grieving the marriage and being fully present for your kids to help them cope with the break up of their family. Once everyone is adjusted and emotionally healthy then you will be ready to meet someone new and who is also single. Any entanglement with this married dude from your past is not going to end well and your kids will pay a price. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 (edited) On 7/10/2022 at 11:47 PM, Priya Senthil said: he has no issues with his wife and I gave up on my marriage. I never told him any of my issues...only when I met him, I told him about my life and my struggles and he felt sad. What should I do? I felt like I belonged after many years....It's almost like I went down memory lane and everything felt magical. He has no issues with his wife or marriage, you've given up on yours, you told him your issues and he offered no solutions. What should you do? File for divorce and shared custody of your kids and move out. The ex will never be yours because he's happy and not leaving his marriage. You've been here before with this story. Edited July 23, 2022 by stillafool 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Davina1 Posted July 23, 2022 Share Posted July 23, 2022 Take it from me if he is happy with his wife and his marriage you are heading down a long road of heart ache . Stop it now before you get too embroiled. Don’t put yourself through years of heartache and anxiety and second guessing yourself . If you think you can divorce your husband . I know it’s not always that easy . Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts