Wife falsely accused me of cheating.

[nice-easy-day]

Here comes the drama.  The other night my wife had an overnight stay for work in another city.  I was at home with the kids, 5 and 8 y.o.  Late that night she called me but I was sleeping and didn't hear my phone ring.  When she got home the next day she started questioning me if I was with another woman.  I couldn't believe she was actually serious but she was.  There has been times past when she gets jealous and insecure but it's mostly been light hearted and in a joking way.  I called her out and said, "you actually think I'm with another woman" and she admitted yes that she worries about it.  Her reasons were, 1- all the people she works with are cheating on their spouses, 2- we had wild sex the other night...

To explain #2, the day before we left we had some really nice foreplay, she pushed my buttons perfectly and got me turned on like I haven't in a very long time.  It was nice!  I was really able to let loose and the sex was fantastic for the both of us.  Anyway, she tells me that her friend told her that right when her husband started cheating on her he became much more interested in sex and started upping his performance big time.  So now I guess that makes me a cheater to give my wife good sex or something.  I give up.  When I'm not interested in sex she asks if I'm getting it from somewhere else, and when I'm interested in sex she asks if I'm getting it from somewhere else.  WTF!

But what really bothers me is how irrational her accusations are.  I was home with the kids.  I asked "what do you think I brought some woman into the house with the kids at home"?  Or did I leave the kids home alone and go out to meet someone?  I'm really offended that she would even portray me like a monster that I would have another woman in bed when my kid could wake up and find us.  How horrible.  First, I've never cheated and second if I did I sure wouldn't involve my kids like that.  Plus she called me at 11:30 which is past the time I normally go to bed anyway.  Nothing about the story is rational for her to suspect I was even cheating.  

We have been through a lot lately (she's put me through a lot) I felt so good like we had a breakthrough with sex and was looking forward to keeping things going but then she throws this on me and squashes all my desire.  When the next time comes and I'm not as interested she's going to complain about that too.

There are obviously deep trust issues.  I told her straight up that I don't believe she trusts me at all.  So what gives here?  This is really getting old.  I'm angry and I don't even want to be intimate with her in any way right now.  I try very hard in my marriage but it just seems like my wife always throughs a wrench in things.  Gosh, I wish she could just go with the flow.

  

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, nice-easy-day said:

,Her reasons were, 1- all the people she works with are cheating on their spouses,, she tells me that her friend told her that right when her husband started cheating on her he became much more interested in sex 

Sorry this is happening. Interestingly according to her logic she may be cheating and turning it around to deflect that she called so late and why. According to her logic everyone she works with cheats. According to her logic wild sex means cheating. She was the one away from home for work with "everyone who cheats", so think things through.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, nice-easy-day said:

all the people she works with are cheating on their spouses,

Maybe that includes her too, and she's projecting. 

[BaileyB]

I would suggest to her that she book a counselling appointment to discuss her trust issues and insecurity before she loses her marriage. Seriously. 

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

There are obviously deep trust issues.  I told her straight up that I don't believe she trusts me at all.  So what gives here?  This is really getting old.  I'm angry and I don't even want to be intimate with her in any way right now.  I try very hard in my marriage but it just seems like my wife always throughs a wrench in things.  Gosh, I wish she could just go with the flow.

Getting to the root of the trust issues is most likely key here. Sorry you are going through this. My best to you. 

[Atwood]

She went away on a work trip, leaving you with the kids, and wants to imply you're the one in a position to cheat?

I find her rationale quite suspicious. I say this as someone who has trust issues and have experienced jealousy due to being cheated on and lied to a lot previously. It's never okay to keep making unsubstatiated accusations at your partner. And even if you have things that are supposed evidence (again, I have been there and know how it feels), you have to acknowledge that you're experiencing trust issues. Instead of realising she is leaning into her anxiety, she is actually putting you in a position where you have to convince her you haven't done something that there's no reason to believe you have done. 

I think you need to communicate with her that the way she is expressing her insecurities is really damaging for you. Please encourage her to seek therapy and perhaps think about how you would prefer her to discuss her concerns with you. For example, now I can express my trust issues healthily I can say to my partner "I'm feeling insecure/I'm feeling unworthy of fidelity or loyalty right now/I feel scared of losing you in the future/I am feeling actively distrustful right now" and this gives an opportunity for you to reassure without having to defend yourself. Even better, "being hurt in the past is making it really hard for me to trust I won't be hurt in the future". Just learning phrases like that can really help someone express their need for reassurance without resorting to provoking you or trying to force a confession of some imagined unfaithfulness. You cannot fix this relationship issue on your own and she needs to be made aware of that. If you're struggling with any kind of mental health or trauma-informed issue, you need to be taking responsibility for that i.e going to therapy/taking CBT classes etc. 

 

However, be wary. Like I said, I find her rationale suspicious (which I know is funny coming from someone with self-proclaimed trust issues) but she was away on a trip, says all her coworkers are cheating on their spouses, putting you through a lot, and suddenly tries something new in bed? A l a r m B e l l s ! Keep a close eye on things and don't rise to the accusations. Keep it short and to the point: I haven't cheated and never will. If you need support in trusting that, let's figure out how you can get that support. 

 

 

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

 I try very hard in my marriage but it just seems like my wife always throughs a wrench in things.

Some people are uncomfortable with normal, calm domestic situations and will find ways to make things dysfunctional/add drama. Often it's at least partly unconscious on their part. As one example among many, a person with severe avoidant attachment will "push back" on a partner who starts to become too close emotionally. Not saying that is your wife's particular situation, it's just an example.

One possible solution would be to suggest couples' counseling to her. You could cast this in a positive light - it's working towards a more harmonious life together. If it's only you "trying" that is unlikely to be a very happy situation, and it can help to have a 3rd person "referee" discussion of complicated issues where one person may not quite see or be willing to "own" their role in causing problems.

Edited July 11, 2022 by mark clemson

[basil67]

Just two months ago you wrote about your wife's crushing depression and loss of interest in life.   As hurtful as this accusation of cheating is, I think this is likely another symptom of her declining mental health.   She needs mental health care pronto

 

[nice-easy-day]

On 7/11/2022 at 9:50 AM, Atwood said:

It's never okay to keep making unsubstatiated accusations at your partner. And even if you have things that are supposed evidence (again, I have been there and know how it feels), you have to acknowledge that you're experiencing trust issues. Instead of realising she is leaning into her anxiety, she is actually putting you in a position where you have to convince her you haven't done something that there's no reason to believe you have done. 

I think you need to communicate with her that the way she is expressing her insecurities is really damaging for you.

 

 

It's all finished as quick as it started.  I thought it would.  I did communicate to her how I felt and gave her a couple reasons why she is being irrational about it.  I stood up for myself and didn't take the abuse of accusations for her own insecurities.  Her response was that she sees how it was crazy but when she was in her hotel room and I didn't answer her mind went to bad places of what could be happening.  Basically she acknowledged she made it all up in her head.

She asked me if I was angry and I said, "a little".  She went shopping last night and bought some lingerie but I didn't take the bait.  She hasn't done that for me in a very long time.  I appreciate the gesture but I just wasn't in the mood and couldn't brush it off in an instant like she wanted me to.  I guess that was her way of making it up to me and she has been very nice to me today.  I'll try to be in the mood tonight as it isn't my intention to punish her or anything but I was hurt a little by all this and I can't always flip the switch and pretend like nothing happened.  Roles reversed, I can guarantee you I would be in the dog house for the better part of a whole week.

Another thing I explained to her was that it doesn't bother me in and of itself to ask me if I've been cheating.  Like, if I went on a fishing trip with the guys for the weekend and she called me at 11:30 at night and I didn't answer.  She just might wonder if I were at a strip club or something.  Probably untrusting to do so but it's in the realm of possibility vs. what happened the other night.  So crazy.    

On 7/11/2022 at 11:42 AM, mark clemson said:

Some people are uncomfortable with normal, calm domestic situations and will find ways to make things dysfunctional/add drama. Often it's at least partly unconscious on their part. As one example among many, a person with severe avoidant attachment will "push back" on a partner who starts to become too close emotionally. Not saying that is your wife's particular situation, it's just an example.

One possible solution would be to suggest couples' counseling to her. You could cast this in a positive light - it's working towards a more harmonious life together. If it's only you "trying" that is unlikely to be a very happy situation, and it can help to have a 3rd person "referee" discussion of complicated issues where one person may not quite see or be willing to "own" their role in causing problems.

Yes that.  I don't get it, but I've definitely noticed that pattern with her.  When everything is going well in life she'll need to change something or add drama.  I was actually going to start a thread about this a few months ago and ask about it.  It's very serendipitous that you brought this up as I've been thinking the same thing.  Is there a name for this in professional psychology?  I'd like to research it because I swear she does it all the time and it could be a root cause of what has been going on in our marriage for years.  We can be getting along great, life is great, and then she'll start something.  In my head I think, "why would you even do that"?     

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, nice-easy-day said:

She went shopping last night and bought some lingerie but I didn't take the bait.  She hasn't done that for me in a very long time.

Sorry this is happening. Are you sure it's 'for you' or perhaps her next work trip?

[nice-easy-day]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

Just two months ago you wrote about your wife's crushing depression and loss of interest in life.   As hurtful as this accusation of cheating is, I think this is likely another symptom of her declining mental health.   She needs mental health care pronto

 

What makes things difficult is that she completely pulled out of that state of depression.  Everything went back to normal.... until it isn't, like now.  It's like chasing rabbits when it comes to dealing with my wife sometimes.  My professional counselor told me if she is indeed dealing with depression she'll have peaks and valleys.  I should expect that it will get better and go away but he beware of it coming back worse than it was before.  This time seems like it was a one off event and it's over.  It's all a little confusing to me.

She pretty much refuses to get help.  I think she is too prideful.

 

[nice-easy-day]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you sure it's 'for you' or perhaps her next work trip?

I'm sure it's for me, but I can easily check to see if she takes it the next time she leaves though!

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

Yes that.  I don't get it, but I've definitely noticed that pattern with her.  When everything is going well in life she'll need to change something or add drama.  I was actually going to start a thread about this a few months ago and ask about it.  It's very serendipitous that you brought this up as I've been thinking the same thing.  Is there a name for this in professional psychology? 

There are several things - as examples (only), they can range from illnesses such as bipolar disorder to personality disorders/tendencies towards PDs to unconscious "tendencies"/comfort levels due to experiences in early life.

I am not a professional psychologist and while researching might be helpful e.g. for context, I'd very strongly suggest you get a counselor, rather than trying to tinker with the emotional dynamics of your marriage unilaterally. A licensed psychologist recuses themselves from working with family members and friends, and there are very good reasons for that. You are too close to the situation emotionally. Furthermore as a layman you might easily draw the wrong conclusions about what is going on.

One behavioral model you might find helpful to research is the "Drama Triangle" which addresses certain types of dysfunctional behavior dynamics.  You might recognize some patterns from viewing that. However (and again this is to be stressed) understanding this stuff and or your wife's behavior patterns will almost certainly not put you into a position to actually change things effectively and/or without the risk of doing more harm to your marriage than good.

I do wish you luck, and I hope things are addressed successfully, but a lot of caution is called for here.

Edited July 12, 2022 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

I'm sure it's for me, but I can easily check to see if she takes it the next time she leaves though!

I would consider this angle. 

Given all the other issues going on with her the last few months, it may be depression and other mental health issues - or it may be that someone else has been in the picture and she was weighing her options of staying in the marriage versus setting herself free. 

[vla1120]

19 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

Yes that.  I don't get it, but I've definitely noticed that pattern with her.  When everything is going well in life she'll need to change something or add drama.  I was actually going to start a thread about this a few months ago and ask about it.  It's very serendipitous that you brought this up as I've been thinking the same thing.  Is there a name for this in professional psychology?  I'd like to research it because I swear she does it all the time and it could be a root cause of what has been going on in our marriage for years.  We can be getting along great, life is great, and then she'll start something.  In my head I think, "why would you even do that"?     

Did you previously say your wife dealt with some childhood trauma? I believe this behavior can be a response to childhood trauma stemming from either believing you don't deserve happiness, so you look for problems, or (which is what I used to experience), when things are going well, there is a mindset that it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops and things go to hell again. There was an Adverse Childhood Experiences Study done in the 90's and there is a corresponding ACE Quiz to see how your childhood traumas might affect you as an adult. https://americanspcc.org/take-the-aces-quiz/

Perhaps if you think your wife would score high on the quiz, it might explain some of her behavior. If I'm way off base, I apologize.

[AngryGromit]

On 7/11/2022 at 9:50 AM, Atwood said:

She went away on a work trip, leaving you with the kids, and wants to imply you're the one in a position to cheat?

I'm going to have to agree with that, while not impossible, it be Very Risky behavior to engage in. .  

Edited July 14, 2022 by AngryGromit

[Will am I]

Yeah. If you did that, you could never leave your wife alone with the kids anymore. A 5 y/o might easily blurt out that there was another mommy in the house. Or just randomly ask you over family dinner when that nice lady is coming over again. 

I lean to an old saying in my native language, which translates in "as the innkeeper is, so he will trust his guests". It's about projection of distrust.