'I am just not that into you'

[Thetree]

Had a wonderful week with a woman and she finally drops this. Fair enough, I can accept that, even if it's unpleasant. But for me was really wonderful. How do you move on? What tricks are there?

Also, she still sends me messages, trying to keep me close.

[introverted1]

Time is the only trick.

Also, quit interacting with her.  She's just keeping you warm in case nothing better comes along.  Might be time to block.

[Sgthaytham]

29 minutes ago, Thetree said:

Had a wonderful week with a woman and she finally drops this. Fair enough, I can accept that, even if it's unpleasant. But for me was really wonderful. How do you move on? What tricks are there?

Also, she still sends me messages, trying to keep me close.

Maybe send her something like "Hey, I really enjoyed the night together. I understand that you don't feel the same way as I do, it's just I'm not looking for anything platonic. If you ever change your mind let me know."

Don't block her, that's immature, just send her the above message or something similar, and leave it at that. 

If she ever gets in touch, ask her out. 

In the meantime, move on to someone else. 

[Thetree]

11 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

Maybe send her something like "Hey, I really enjoyed the night together. I understand that you don't feel the same way as I do, it's just I'm not looking for anything platonic. If you ever change your mind let me know."

Don't block her, that's immature, just send her the above message or something similar, and leave it at that. 

If she ever gets in touch, ask her out. 

In the meantime, move on to someone else. 

I don't want to block her, yeah. We are both 35, I think that's childish to do that.

But I hate being a back-up. And if she says "I am not that into you", is there coming back from this? I understand that she is not that attracted of me.

[Sgthaytham]

26 minutes ago, Thetree said:

I don't want to block her, yeah. We are both 35, I think that's childish to do that.

But I hate being a back-up. And if she says "I am not that into you", is there coming back from this? I understand that she is not that attracted of me.

It's hard to tell, because you haven't given us much on how the week was with her and what happened. 

Through my own experience, whenever this has happened, it's either I've pushed far too hard and made her feel smothered OR she was interested to meet, but she lost attraction due to my behaviour or maybe she just 'wasnt that into me'. 

Again, I don't want to make any assumptions. 

[Ami1uwant]

43 minutes ago, Thetree said:

I don't want to block her, yeah. We are both 35, I think that's childish to do that.

But I hate being a back-up. And if she says "I am not that into you", is there coming back from this? I understand that she is not that attracted of me.

Unless you knew her before you started dating ( coworker, friend from high school, someone you knew through a club/ organization/ church) you should block her.  If you knew her take a break from communicating with her for a while and thrn return to being friends after a few months.

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Thetree said:

I don't want to block her, yeah. We are both 35. I hate being a back-up. And if she says "I am not that into you", . I understand that she is not that attracted of me.

Sorry this happened. You need to block and delete people who just want to waste your time being a chatbuddy. It's not immature, it's respecting your time and energy and redirecting toward interested women who want what you want.

Is this the same woman?:

Unfortunately there's not tricks or coming back from the friendzone, so it's best to cut your losses.

[Thetree]

@Wiseman2 actually no, other woman.

Long story short: We've met in 2014, nothing, just facebook. Re-met last weekend at a party, went really on with a lot of talking, music, etc. We talked non stop the whole week. We've went Friday on a date. Everything was ok, we went again to the same club where she became the coldest women I've met, like at some point she asked me to stay while she goes ALONE at the bar. I really did not do anything, we chatted and talked. Left and grab a pizza and we ate in the park where she told she thinks she doesn't like me as much as she wants. I've said ok, fair enough. We stayed for another 4 hours, until 6 in the morning. Hugged many times.

Then the next day (actually 5 hours later), I went to grab a coffee and told her I am here, if you want to join fine, if you don't also fine, but if you come, think what it means. She came with a blankie and she asked me to join her in the park where we spent the day, we ordered food, had fun. No kissing, tried it a few times, but somewhat she avoided it, but then she came closer to me like kissing my neck, holding my hand, playing with my hair. Walked her home (I had a meet with friends at 22) and said that I will be free around 1 a.m. Want to meet up again if you are awake? She said let's see and when we arrived at her home, she told me she was feeling sick. Asked her what's wrong, if she wants me to go to a drug store and she said she feels sick our date is ending. And I was wtf.

Then we didn't meet because she didn't want, she ignored me half of day yesterday, called me in the evening, took me out to dinner, told me and then we spent another 4 hours walking and laughing. Then she wrote me she was thinking at me and that she feels like ****. Asked her if she feels that way because of us and she ignored it, seen my message.

So yeah. 

Also auto-invited at my home to cook me something.

Edited July 11, 2022 by Thetree

[Thetree]

Maybe it matters, she just ended a relationship 3 weeks ago.

[Weezy1973]

The fact that she became so cold is all you should need. She’s not the one for you. She’s likely quite attractive and just out of a relationship so not looking to jump into anything as she has a lot of options. 
 

Blocking her and dating other women is one way to go. You know yourself best. If you continue to interact with her are you always going to hold out hope that she’ll change her mind?  Or are you able to detach already? 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Thetree said:

Maybe it matters, she just ended a relationship 3 weeks ago.

Yeah, could be she is on the rebound and still talking to him.

[giotto]

56 minutes ago, Thetree said:

Maybe it matters, she just ended a relationship 3 weeks ago.

That's your reason. I would run a mile... 🙂

Edited July 11, 2022 by giotto

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Thetree said:

 if she says "I am not that into you", is there coming back from this? I understand that she is not that attracted of me.

There is a chance, but it is extremely low (perhaps on the order of 2% or thereabouts). Agree with Wiseman2 there is no "trick" to turn this around. Also as others are noting you seem to perhaps be a fallback plan.

So, my thought would be to keep the door open to the remote possibility, but seek others (and don't be afraid to genuinely commit to others). IF leaving the door open interferes with that (ie, makes it difficult to bond emotionally with a new partner or causes other problems), then I'd say be done with her.

[giotto]

1 hour ago, Thetree said:

Also auto-invited at my home to cook me something.

When you see her, just asked her: I thought you weren't into me? Hopefully, you will get an answer that makes sense... 🙂

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, Thetree said:

And if she says "I am not that into you", is there coming back from this?

No.

No one says this if they don't mean it.  The only way she's going to come back is if all her other options fall through.

[Thetree]

From what I've understood she ended up the relationship, he was younger or so. Actually when we met last week I asked her how is she and she told me, like 15 minutes in.

On the long term I don't think we can work, she has really some issues, but she is working on herself which is great. But the "I am not into you" really hit me bad.

Edited July 11, 2022 by Thetree

[ExpatInItaly]

It is not childish to block a woman who is behaving like this. 

Just cut her off and be done. 

[Acacia98]

I'm not sure why many people think blocking is always immature.

When done right, blocking is about setting boundaries. It's like locking a door after shutting it. You don't always have to lock the door. But if you know that someone will keep entering the room without your permission after you've explicitly told them not to, you can simply lock the door. You'll get the desired result, and they'll get the message (if they have sense).

In your case, both you and her are going about things the wrong way. You've failed to set boundaries. And she doesn't seem to have the discipline to set her own. So you're both engaging in this confused tug of war. Let her go. Shut the door (ignore her communication, don't allow her into your home, and don't initiate communication with her). If you can't trust yourself to focus on what's emotionally healthy for you or if you can't trust her to leave you alone, lock the door (block her). Once you're no longer interacting or communicating, you will start to think of her less and less. You'll eventually forget her. And you will move on.

[Calmandfocused]

You know what Tree (love your username btw) you sound like a really nice man whose consistent and doesn’t play games with his love interests. You’re open, upfront and honest in your dating situation Kudos to you! 
 

So why would you purposely devalue yourself by setting your sights on a woman whose just (literally) come out of relationship, whose emotions are up and down, and who clearly makes it obvious that she has no interest in you romantically????
 

What she’s interested in is using you as a distraction and an emotional crutch to help her through her heartbreak 

Tree there are loads of women who are emotionally available looking for a relationship with a decent man. Find one of those. 
 

Never try to win the affection of someone who rejected you. Just move on with your head held high. 
 

Don’t block, don’t ghost, just stop caring. 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Thetree said:

On the long term I don't think we can work, she has really some issues, but she is working on herself which is great. But the "I am not into you" really hit me bad.

Ouch, yeah, she has issues. Step aside and don't be collateral damage in her situation.

[Thetree]

8 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

You know what Tree (love your username btw) you sound like a really nice man whose consistent and doesn’t play games with his love interests. You’re open, upfront and honest in your dating situation Kudos to you! 
 

So why would you purposely devalue yourself by setting your sights on a woman whose just (literally) come out of relationship, whose emotions are up and down, and who clearly makes it obvious that she has no interest in you romantically????
 

What she’s interested in is using you as a distraction and an emotional crutch to help her through her heartbreak 

Tree there are loads of women who are emotionally available looking for a relationship with a decent man. Find one of those. 
 

Never try to win the affection of someone who rejected you. Just move on with your head held high. 
 

Don’t block, don’t ghost, just stop caring. 

Thank you for your kind words.

Simple, because I've been really happy this past week with her. I can't remember communication with someone being so easy and in the way we did, and I just ended a 7 year old relationship and I've never felt like this. So many things in common, so many things the seem they are about sooo right. I think I liked her or felt attraction when I've first met her in 2014, but I was with someone then and we didn't connect so I think in my stupidity I though maybe fate or something. And again, things were really going super natural, no pressure, nothing. Just natural.

Surely, if I think logically, it's pure BS and I know it, but she made my heart feel again.

 

[Alvi]

From what I am reading here, you sound like a typical orbiter. A woman tells you that she is not interested in you and uses you as her "Plan B" or "Plan C" or "Plan Z". And for whatever reason (guessing she is really hot) you stick around hoping that she is going to change her mind and pick you. 

If is childish or rude to block someone? Well, at times maybe. But at times, such as in this case, it is more than warranted. Blocking her is going to allow you to put her behind you and go explore other options.

For the future, if someone tells you that they don't feel a connection, or that they are not into you, etc... wish them well in a very nice way and stop talking to them. And yes, block them. Being in a friendszone is pointless if you have feeling for someone.

53 minutes ago, Thetree said:

On the long term I don't think we can work, she has really some issues, but she is working on herself which is great. But the "I am not into you" really hit me bad.

That is a very contradictory statement. Why do you feel that way? You don't see a potential with her and yet you get upset when she tells you that she isn't into you.  Do you feel that your ego got bruised by this woman? But she is not a good long term material in your eyes anyway, so why get upset? She is not a wife material in your eyes but a short term thing would do? Unless she is looking for the same, you are out of luck. What exactly do you want or expect from her? You've already downgraded her for whatever reason so why bother? You don't see a future here, she is not interested, so what is the problem? It is pretty much mutual. Block her and date others.

Just curious, is she aware that you don't see her as a long term material? Is it possible that she told you that she is not into you once she realized that you don't want anything serious with her?

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, I think you missed her lack of interest. And one thing you want to learn how to do is to really pick up interest in the other person. A fun time is not interest. Interest is the person puts their hands on you and leans in to you and responds quickly to you.

You don't want to block her. That's a problem right there. You don't understand the health selfish element of dating. You block someone because you have the right to not waste time with someone who is not interested. If you cannot do that (feel comfortable blocking someone) then you will also struggle to figure out if someone is genuinely interested in you. Those two are connected.

You pick up interest by being in your own health space--not trying to hard, not working hard--and the other person gets you and embraces you. I can almost guarantee that you're working way too hard and thinking way too much on your dates. 

[Thetree]

32 minutes ago, Alvi said:

From what I am reading here, you sound like a typical orbiter. A woman tells you that she is not interested in you and uses you as her "Plan B" or "Plan C" or "Plan Z". And for whatever reason (guessing she is really hot) you stick around hoping that she is going to change her mind and pick you. 

If is childish or rude to block someone? Well, at times maybe. But at times, such as in this case, it is more than warranted. Blocking her is going to allow you to put her behind you and go explore other options.

For the future, if someone tells you that they don't feel a connection, or that they are not into you, etc... wish them well in a very nice way and stop talking to them. And yes, block them. Being in a friendszone is pointless if you have feeling for someone.

That is a very contradictory statement. Why do you feel that way? You don't see a potential with her and yet you get upset when she tells you that she isn't into you.  Do you feel that your ego got bruised by this woman? But she is not a good long term material in your eyes anyway, so why get upset? She is not a wife material in your eyes but a short term thing would do? Unless she is looking for the same, you are out of luck. What exactly do you want or expect from her? You've already downgraded her for whatever reason so why bother? You don't see a future here, she is not interested, so what is the problem? It is pretty much mutual. Block her and date others.

Just curious, is she aware that you don't see her as a long term material? Is it possible that she told you that she is not into you once she realized that you don't want anything serious with her?

Actually it's odd, I've never been an orbiter, I just didn't understand her mix feelings at all this weekend. Like at all. I just don't know what happenned. It felt like she came ready to ruin the date.

That statement is about what I've learned about her during our encounter this weekend. We spoke a lot, she told me she is doing therapy, she has depression, etc and other things that are rude to share. My statement is that after infatuation ends, you are stuck with that (in the case something is happening) and I think it's close to impossible to handle that as a human being.

Don't get me wrong, I respect her a lot she told me NOW she is not into me.

I just got hooked on our connection. I felt alive. 

[Thetree]

30 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Look, I think you missed her lack of interest. And one thing you want to learn how to do is to really pick up interest in the other person. A fun time is not interest. Interest is the person puts their hands on you and leans in to you and responds quickly to you.

You don't want to block her. That's a problem right there. You don't understand the health selfish element of dating. You block someone because you have the right to not waste time with someone who is not interested. If you cannot do that (feel comfortable blocking someone) then you will also struggle to figure out if someone is genuinely interested in you. Those two are connected.

You pick up interest by being in your own health space--not trying to hard, not working hard--and the other person gets you and embraces you. I can almost guarantee that you're working way too hard and thinking way too much on your dates. 

Actually, all day long I was thinking if I can switch this into a friendzone?

Or will I wall like an idiot? 

I am dating other people this week.