Silence for over two days has me worried

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

It's not at the forefront of our conversations. Heck, I talk more about my ex because we're still good friends. But I definitely see what you mean. Thank you.

But you weren't traumatized by that experince, right? 

 

[Gaeta]

Are you in Canada? Last weekend we had a major cellular/internet/ Interac outage that lasted over the weekend. Texts and calls were not coming through. In the night of Saturday to Sunday I started getting some of the text that were sent to me Friday. 

Edited July 13, 2022 by Gaeta

[Scotty Riggs]

We had a strange night last night. She agreed to come over, but planned to come late, then fell asleep and didn’t get to my place until almost 11pm, way past normal. She was just slightly apologetic but shrugged it off with a grin. I asked for us to sit together, and I told her how much I appreciate our time together but question the imbalance of effort. I hadn’t seen her in 8 days, so to finally have a night together be so short was very disappointing. She said she thought of our routine as being pretty casual/laid back and wasn’t worried about being timely. But she listened, acknowledged how I felt and the imbalance, and was sorry.

I also brought up the lack of response to my text Saturday. She said she sometimes just feels like “being a punk” and not responding to people. I still don’t understand this. It seems childish and insensitive. I said I sometimes forget to respond to my brother’s text, but I make more effort with people I don’t know as well, like her. Same goes for my expectations when having a guest at my house.

We chatted more, then had sex. I smelled cannabis in her hair and asked if she smoked today and whether it caused her to fall asleep before our date. She said it did not, but that it also didn’t help.

Lying in bed later in silence, she asked if I was okay. I said I was sorry for being dramatic earlier, questioned how I handled our discussion, and was trying to remember her responses. This opened more dialogue.

Although we’re exclusive, she said she’s currently unsure about fully investing in a relationship. I was unsurprised and said I was okay with not setting any goals for us, as long as we’re exclusive. She was concerned about falling into past habits, too, but acknowledged how good of a guy I am compared to what she had before. She said she sometimes fails to appreciate what she has and “wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit me in the ass,” referring to my quality as a man.

When I talked about how much I’ve enjoyed my summer with her, and she agreed with this, she mainly emphasized the new experiences and learning she’s gained because of me, rather than citing me personally. Maybe I shouldn’t read into this, but her utilitarian emphasis bothered me later. We talked long-term goals, and she heavily cautioned me that she’s also unsure if she wants kids and waffles back and forth. I somewhat want kids. Ultimately, we both want a life partner.

Early this morning while she slept, I laid next to her, wondering if she and I should take a break from dating to test how much we want to be together. I shelved the idea for now.

We cuddled and talked, and I initiated sex again. Before leaving, she agreed to go to a concert Saturday.

I still feel a need to resolve the texting behavior and am contemplating our future. Maybe I'm choosing to enjoy this while it lasts, or maybe I'm kicking a can down the road and not dealing with the issue. All I think I can do is see if and when she starts taking the relationship more seriously.

Edited July 13, 2022 by Scotty Riggs

[Calmandfocused]

It’s pretty clear to me that this lady is only up for for casual, including no emotional investment whatsoever. 
 

Even the way you write about sex. It comes across as two people “having a shag”. Devoid of emotion/ intimacy/ connection. 2 people simply getting their sexual needs met. That’s it! 
 

Look I don’t understand all these early dating rules/ stages like most people on here but my position is always the same; 

If someone is really into you, then you know. If you’re questioning if they’re into you the answer is No. 

I’m a very busy women yet if I really liked a man there is no way I’d “punk around” with him. I’d reply to his text even if to simply say “I’ll call you later”. 

Bottom line. She’s emotionally unavailable, doesn’t respect your time or your emotions, and the only thing she wants from you is a shag. 

If that’s the standard you’re willing to accept that’s entirely up to you. 

 

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Maybe I shouldn’t read into this, but her utilitarian emphasis bothered me later. We talked long-term goals, and she heavily cautioned me that she’s also unsure if she wants kids and waffles back and forth. I somewhat want kids. Ultimately, we both want a life partner.

Yes. You should read into it. She's tossing up red flags left and right. Arriving at 11pm shows she doesn't respect your time. She's heavily cautioned you that she has no idea what she wants. Her definition of a "life partner" may be very different than your idea of a life partner - if she truly even wants a life partner. She's not where you are in life and you could spend years waiting for her to come around. If you're content to just have sex (when she feel like it - since she seems to set the tone for that, too), then keep meeting up with her. The moment you decide you're looking for something more serious, you're wasting your time with her. Point blank.

[Allupinnit]

She's going to break your heart.  She's already warned you in 100 ways other than coming out and saying it.

She thinks you're a "nice guy" and probably nicer to her than her abusive ex was, but she's probably not over him and likes keeping that side of the bed warm.

[flitzanu]

honestly it seems less about her interest in you, and your interest in molding her into what you want her to be.  forcing her texting/response habits, insinuating that smoking weed caused her to be late...there's going to be a fine line between you realizing she isn't going to change into what you want, or her not wanting to be controlled and patronized

[Sgthaytham]

On 7/11/2022 at 8:33 PM, glows said:

Don’t stop at her house unannounced. Put your phone away and don’t keep looking at it. She’ll get back to you when she does. 

Be careful that you’re not framing OCD or obsession over texting out of “care” for her. Give it a few more days. 

Why are you so worried about her? Does she have a severe health issue or disabled or does she have no friends or family? 

This is precisely my point about not texting every day and not overtexting too.

I would just leave it be. If she cares, she'll be in touch. 

Going to her place unannounced is a BIG RED STALKER-VIBES FLAG. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

she thought of our routine as being pretty casual/laid back and wasn’t worried about being timely.. She said she sometimes just feels like “being a punk” and not responding to people. I smelled cannabis in her hair and asked if she smoked today and whether it caused her to fall asleep before our date. She said it did not, but that it also didn’t help.

It seems she's a bit flighty, flakey and sees this as 'fun' and not much else. You don't have to take a break to "test" her.

But after just 12 weeks dating, observe the differences in your personalities and step back from heavy talk about marriage/family, etc.

[Sgthaytham]

You've been dating for 3 MONTHS and you're talking about KIDS?!?!?!?!?!

Slow your roll dude.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

She said she sometimes just feels like “being a punk” and not responding to people.

This would give me pause. It's a rather immature response. 

But the whole conversation that followed indicates she isn't taking this as seriously as you are.

 

[Scotty Riggs]

4 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

You've been dating for 3 MONTHS and you're talking about KIDS?!?!?!?!?!

 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But after just 12 weeks dating, observe the differences in your personalities and step back from heavy talk about marriage/family, etc.

She brought it up. I see nothing wrong with talking about long-term aspirations. It doesn't imply that I want babies immediately. If I say I want to someday live in Florida, that does not mean, "Please move with me to Florida now!" Do you think people should be completely silent about aspirations until they're a year into dating, and suddenly realize they're not compatible and wasted each other's time?

Edited July 13, 2022 by Scotty Riggs

[Sgthaytham]

Just now, Scotty Riggs said:

 

She brought it up. I see nothing wrong with talking about long-term aspirations. It doesn't imply that I want babies immediately. If I say I want to someday live in Florida, that does not mean, "Please move with me to Florida now!" Do you think people should be completely silent about aspirations until they're a year into dating, and suddenly realize they're not compatible and wasted each other's time?

To talk about babies 3 months in seems rather quick, that's all. Even if she's the one who brought it up, I'd be a bit concerned.

[Scotty Riggs]

Just now, Sgthaytham said:

To talk about babies 3 months in seems rather quick, that's all. Even if she's the one who brought it up, I'd be a bit concerned.

It's no different than telling someone you're a practicing Catholic, or want to live in Phoenix someday. It's adult.

[Sgthaytham]

8 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

It's no different than telling someone you're a practicing Catholic, or want to live in Phoenix someday. It's adult.

Look, it's my opinion. I'm not here to argue.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

It's no different than telling someone you're a practicing Catholic, or want to live in Phoenix someday. It's adult.

I agree. 

At a certain point in our lives, it makes sense to at least let a potential dating partner know what your bigger life goals are. That way someone can opt out if they realize their big-picture dreams are not compatible - and wanting kids (or not) is a significant one. It doesn't mean you necessarily want those things with the person you're currently on a date with and very soon. It simply means you won't waste your time dating someone if you discover a deal-breaking incompatibility. 

When we're younger we don't think much about these things, but as we get older, we tend to be clearer about what we're after and it's no issue to make sure the bigger picture aligns between two people 

[glows]

You seem to know what you're getting into and she answered your question about texting/not responding. The sad part is that you actually, genuinely care about this person and it's not reciprocated. Most would stop right here and end it but that you're continuing to see her or ask her out means that you're agreeing to any inconsistencies in her texting and accepting who she is - her lateness, unresponsiveness, unpredictability. 

I don't think she'll change so if you're hoping she's someone different, this will be heartache for you.

[CLS63AMG]

She's a casual fling and I assure you, you're (she's) NOT exclusive.  She's dating other men and playing you IMO.  I bet if you look you'll find her on the dating apps

Edited July 14, 2022 by CLS63AMG

[Ami1uwant]

An 11 pm booty all?

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

It's no different than telling someone you're a practicing Catholic, or want to live in Phoenix someday. It's adult.

Talking about wanting to have children is perfectly fine early on in a relationship.

 

as you get more secure in a relationship you might get into the raising a child philosphyyou have

[Scotty Riggs]

1 hour ago, CLS63AMG said:

She's a casual fling and I assure you, you're (she's) NOT exclusive.  She's dating other men and playing you IMO.  I bet if you look you'll find her on the dating apps

Before I could even ask, a few months ago, she said she's only sleeping with me. You're basing your suggestion only on this thread.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Before I could even ask, a few months ago, she said she's only sleeping with me. You're basing your suggestion only on this thread.

If it turned out she was sleeping with someone else, she wouldn't be the first person to lie about it. Personally, I have no idea whether she's genuinely dating you exclusively, but everything you say in this particular thread convinces me she doesn't value you or your time. And that should be enough to make someone in your position walk.

Also, please don't go through life apologizing for having normal emotional needs. It's perfectly within her right to not want the kind of relationship you do. But it's also within your right to want a reciprocal relationship and to expect basic consideration from your relationship partner.

[BrinnM]

I don’t know. She has already said that so far she’s seen their relationship as more or less casual, but that she genuinely likes you, and I think that’s totally acceptable after only a few months of dating. And if I understand it correctly, @Scotty Riggs- you are only bothered by the fact that she sometimes doesn’t “respect” your time. Invests “less”. Or ignores phone calls/texts. That’s annoying, I get it, especially if you want to plan something. I think your conversation the other night was productive though. Just don’t pressure her into more at this point. Mirror her behavior. Let her come around. Expect the worst & hope for the best, and in the meantime. Enjoy the ride. 
I can somewhat relate to her behavior. Maybe she’s someone who needs a lot of alone time and she does not really know where to go relationship-wise, and/or what she wants from a man/relationship. Some LT-relationships DO start out as FWB-ish kind of situationships, and that’s ok too, just give it time. Invest, but don’t over-invest. I totally think she likes you, she just might not be “there” yet. 

[Scotty Riggs]

1 hour ago, BrinnM said:

If I understand it correctly, @Scotty Riggs- you are only bothered by the fact that she sometimes doesn’t “respect” your time. Invests “less”. Or ignores phone calls/texts. That’s annoying, I get it, especially if you want to plan something. I think your conversation the other night was productive though. Just don’t pressure her into more at this point. Mirror her behavior. Let her come around. Expect the worst & hope for the best, and in the meantime. Enjoy the ride. 

 Correct. Emotionally, I've been pretty down since we parted yesterday, and I wonder if we should discuss pausing our relationship. I'm glad we're exclusive, and I understand we won't be on the exact same wave length, but I question if she has any feelings for me 3 months in. 

Again, I'm totally fine with our current dating arrangement and not needing to progress anything at 3 months. But I want to ask her if she's at least open the the prospect of evolution should we continue several months down the road, or if she's certain this is a stale mate or a temporary relationship. Maybe I should try to detach emotionally and give her more time, or maybe that's naïve thinking.

1 hour ago, BrinnM said:

I can somewhat relate to her behavior. Maybe she’s someone who needs a lot of alone time and she does not really know where to go relationship-wise, and/or what she wants from a man/relationship. Some LT-relationships DO start out as FWB-ish kind of situationships, and that’s ok too, just give it time. Invest, but don’t over-invest. I totally think she likes you, she just might not be “there” yet. 

I think this is all true about her. Thanks.

[Acacia98]

31 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

 Correct. Emotionally, I've been pretty down since we parted yesterday, and I wonder if we should discuss pausing our relationship. I'm glad we're exclusive, and I understand we won't be on the exact same wave length, but I question if she has any feelings for me 3 months in. 

What stands out the most to me is that you don't feel comfortable communicating frankly with her. You seem to second-guess yourself and to be apologetic about having what you believe to be a different perspective from hers. Perhaps I'm projecting, but when I behave similarly with people, that's how I know we're not right for each other. When someone is a good fit for me, I feel comfortable opening up to them. There's a sense that they won't judge me harshly or discard me for sharing my true thoughts and feelings with them.