Silence for over two days has me worried

[Scotty Riggs]

 

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

What stands out the most to me is that you don't feel comfortable communicating frankly with her.

I've addressed with her everything in what you quoted, except for that last part about her feelings. Serious conversations with her have usually gone well, but I question my intense feelings and therefore have some apprehension. She's admitted to being emotionally distant and questioning herself. I think I've done a decent job communicating, but we need a follow-up to examine all our feelings and if we should keep going in a "non-committal" way, or put the relationship on hiatus.

If she expresses a lack of emotional connection to me, which would be hard to fathom, I can't continue this. However, if she's open to letting the relationship evolve over time, I could loosen my expectations, give us another 1-3 months, and reassess.

[Allupinnit]

I dunno dude.  You two are on two completely different emotional pages.

She doesn't see the big deal about ignoring your texts, while you worried yourself to death and were about to show up at her house and call her job.  I really don't think this is going to end well for you at all, especially if you "hang in there" for another three months hoping for her feelings to change.  You'll just be in deeper by then.

Edited July 14, 2022 by Allupinnit

[basil67]

Reading your update of the 11pm meet you had, I'm changing my tune and am going to say that she's emotionally unavailable and a poor choice for a long term goal.  If you want hookups with someone who's (allegedly) not seeing anyone else, she's probably a good choice - but she's not someone to lose your head to.   

If you have serious doubts, don't take a break - it just drags out the inevitable   Rather, stay with it until you don't want to stay with it anymore - and then end it neatly. 

Edited July 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[Scotty Riggs]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you want hookups with someone who's (allegedly) not seeing anyone else, she's probably a good choice - but she's not someone to lose your head to. 

We do normal date activities like concerts, antiquing, and nature walks, and we went on a double date with my friends. So I don't think it's quite that shallow, but her last relationship messed her up. She said the last year since it ended has been a blur. Given this, I think it's realistic to think she is monogamous with me but can't envision investing in a new relationship yet. Thanks though.

To be honest, the sex alone is a drawing card for me. But if she confessed, in so many words, that she feels nothing for me personally, I'd have to end it. We've both been quiet since she left my place Wednesday morning, but agreed that I buy our tickets for a concert this weekend. We'll see who texts first. 

Edited July 15, 2022 by Scotty Riggs

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

She's admitted to being emotionally distant and questioning herself.

Just catching up and re the quoted above, let's get real here. 

She's emotionally distant with YOU because she's not into you.  Not the way a woman should be and how you should want her to be AND expect her to be. 

At the very least, that is what you should expect - a woman who is into you and as such emotionally available to you. 

She's not. 

Why are you accepting scraps?  Do you honestly believe that doing so is going to raise her interest and attraction level?  Compel her to want to move closer to you emotionally?

It won't and it's not, it's causing her to lose attraction and respect and that is why she is distant with YOU.

This is what I've learned about people in previous abusive relationships.

Stay away from them!  

They're damaged and unable to bond the way emotionally healthy people can. 

They're addicted to drama, the highs and lows and since you don't offer that, the "feels" just aren't there for her.  She tried but instinctively it's not happening.

Not her fault, just how she's wired which is why she attracts abusers and chooses to remain with them until the bitter end. 

Even just one abusive relationship is enough to cause emotional damage and unless and until she heals herself through therapy, she will never be able to pair bond properly. 

My advice is start respecting yourself.  This is BS, and I am a woman saying this! 

Respect is where it's at, for yourself and her respect for you.  That's where love begins for a woman - respect. 

And no woman will ever respect you if YOU don't first respect yourself. 

And love yourself first which means not accepting scraps or tolerating BS which is what she's delivering.

Head high and walk away. Aim higher mate, have higher standards for yourself. 

That's how you earn a woman's respect and how healthy women fall in love..  Not by behaving like a chump (sorry).

That's a recipe for rejection and failure.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

Three months of (exclusive) dating + sex and she's still not sure?  That's a big NO, imo. 

I'm not saying that, after 3 months. she should be ready to settle down and start popping out babies.  But after 3 months I think any woman -- any person, really -- knows whether her heart is lit up or not.  In this case, I'd say it squarely isn't.

It sounds like she really wants a "bad boy" like her ex.  Yes, intellectually she can see that she should want a guy like you, and maybe she's trying to convince herself that she does.  But everything you've shared suggests that she has neither healed from her last dysfunctional relationships nor done the work on herself that led her to those relationships in the first place. 

The heart wants what it wants... 

 

[Scotty Riggs]

I texted her asking if I could stop by her house this evening. I said I have a question that is easier to talk about in person than phone/text. She agreed to have me stop by. I plan to discuss how we're feeling about our relationship, especially since we've agreed to go to a community event this weekend where we'll likely meet an ex partner of mine (and good friend) and I'd share some places in the community that are special to me (I also need to contact my ex to get her comfort level with meeting my current girlfriend). I want to see whether she's open to a future together. I'm prepared to end things if she's too vague and non-committal.

We're still dating. I've gone quiet a few times to always have her text me after a few days, so she clearly wants to keep things going.

 

[S2B]

12 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I texted her asking if I could stop by her house this evening. I said I have a question that is easier to talk about in person than phone/text. She agreed to have me stop by. I plan to discuss how we're feeling about our relationship, especially since we've agreed to go to a community event this weekend where we'll likely meet an ex partner of mine (and good friend) and I'd share some places in the community that are special to me (I also need to contact my ex to get her comfort level with meeting my current girlfriend). I want to see whether she's open to a future together. I'm prepared to end things if she's too vague and non-committal.

We're still dating. I've gone quiet a few times to always have her text me after a few days, so she clearly wants to keep things going.

 

She wants to keep things going but seems to be doing things to slow it down.

I see she’s interested - but not so interested that she’s do anything for you. I don’t see her as a great choice. Lukewarm at best.

and having her meet your ex? No way! That’s just asking for trouble! No way! Do not do this! If needed - make other plans for this weekend.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

we've agreed to go to a community event this weekend where we'll likely meet an ex partner of mine (and good friend) and I'd share some places in the community that are special to me (I also need to contact my ex to get her comfort level with meeting my current girlfriend).

This doesn't seem like it's going to go over well. You need to ask your ex for permission to bring a date? That's a little too cozy with the ex.

Skip this event as a date. Throwing these two together is not a great idea.

[glows]

13 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I texted her asking if I could stop by her house this evening. I said I have a question that is easier to talk about in person than phone/text. She agreed to have me stop by. I plan to discuss how we're feeling about our relationship, especially since we've agreed to go to a community event this weekend where we'll likely meet an ex partner of mine (and good friend) and I'd share some places in the community that are special to me (I also need to contact my ex to get her comfort level with meeting my current girlfriend). I want to see whether she's open to a future together. I'm prepared to end things if she's too vague and non-committal.

We're still dating. I've gone quiet a few times to always have her text me after a few days, so she clearly wants to keep things going.

 

I’m not sure why your ex’s comfort level matters. Why would your ex care at all who you may be seeing? Do you have children with this ex? Regardless of how close you are as friends, I’d think there’d be some respect for your choices as an individual or boundaries. 

Regardless of what your friends think do what’s best for you and gauge whether there’s enough mutual interest to go on. 

[S2B]

This gal doesn’t seem to make you her priority.

why are you placing her so high n your priority list? 
 

I think you may be waaaay more invested than she is.

[BrinnM]

@S2BI agree. She’s more of a free spirit, FWB type than a serious GF. Not saying things can’t develop into a certain direction that is more in line with OP’s desires, but it won’t work with pressure or relationship talks.
The “talk” will likely push her away more, as she will consider it too much pressure. If a close romantic relationship is what op wants, he needs to approach this with the utmost “loose leash”. 

[S2B]

If I’m not 150% into a guy I would find these “talks” a total bummer and it would make me want even more time away from you.

skip the community event and take her away somewhere for the weekend.

Edited August 12, 2022 by S2B

[Allupinnit]

Dude I'm sorry but you're not being smart about this at all.  No "talk" ever drew a relationship closer when one partner is so clearly disinterested.  

Also WHY have her meet your ex?!  I'd have no interest in doing this at all, regardless of how casual or serious we were.  

[Rider on the Storm]

This may sound a little blunt and beating you across the head, but that is not my intent. Unfortunately, she is not into you. No matter how much time or additional "talks" you give her, this won't turn out the way you are hoping. She finds you boring and safe and is likely longing for her ex or someone like him.

Reading your story was eerily similar to what a buddy of mine went through when we were in our 20s. He was dating a girl that guarded her feelings and was unsure of what she wanted too. She strung him along for a better part of a year and ultimately ended up pregnant by some guy from her past while she was supposedly still dating my buddy. 

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but hoping that time and talks will somehow turn her into the mother of your children is virtually non-existent. I'd say less than a 1% chance.

You are best served to find a girl who knows what she wants and that includes wanting you. Don't settle for anything but. Best of luck.

[S2B]

What happened on “your talk”?

and did you change the weekend plans?

[alphamale]

On 7/11/2022 at 3:23 PM, Scotty Riggs said:

I've been dating a woman for three months. We're exclusive and have never gone more than a day without texting. She texted me enthusiastically Saturday morning just to check in. I was traveling out of state but responded within three hours with a travel photo and humor. She didn't respond, which was fine. That evening, I asked if she was up to anything fun that day. By Sunday evening, 24 hours later, she still hadn't responded, so I asked if she wanted to get together Monday or Tuesday, as we had previously discussed. I've still not heard from her, and I'm worried.

I'll be back in town today, and I might stop by her house after work to see if she's home and okay. I considered calling her place of work, but I think I'd rather do the former. I might also text once more asking her to let me know she's okay and if she's getting my messages.

I hope it's just a problem with her phone. We've never gone this long without communication and I see no reason why she'd go quiet on me, so I'm stressed out.

Don’t stop by unannounced, you might see something you’d wish you had not

[BreakOnThrough]

Just pull back completely, you need to take back, or earn your respect back, and that certainly doesn't come with being needy and present.  Do your thing, disappear like her, if she comes around, great, then you can discuss things, if not, you've dodged a bullet, the important thing is, take back your pride.

[Scotty Riggs]

To catch up: She continued acting hot and cold and we continued dating until early October, when she spoke ominously about her feelings, reminisced about her painful breakup, and became very flighty and inconsistent. We took a week of silence, then I asked to come over to chat. We had a long, emotional but peaceful breakup talk. Her trauma was apparent as she had difficulty articulating her feelings and often gazed to the floor, shaking her head stoically (she previously told me she had a trauma bond with her ex). She said she ultimately wants the same things I want (a partner and a home) but is struggling to regain herself. We hugged, I went home, and I went no contact.

A few weeks later, I had an awkward, painful run-in with her in public. Two days later, she texted that we need to talk. She came over and pensively told me she was diagnosed with HPV and that I was her last partner. A week later, I sent her an email with various health info, implying she may have had HPV before we met but expressed my concern for her health and happiness regardless. She was grateful for the email and wrote some very lengthy and friendly/playful text messages, including references to my social media posts, then updated me on her doctor visit. I was surprised by the friendliness. Maybe her tone was out of guilt, realizing she may have infected me. I kept my responses friendly but much more succinct.

Her last message took almost a day to respond to me, and in it, she wished us both a happy birthday weekend (we’re just days apart). I appreciated her kindness but felt it was a good stopping point and didn’t respond.

I’m glad we had some friendly exchanges, but I still think about her constantly and have depression. I think it’s best I continue no contact unless she reaches out. In recent weeks, she kept an eye on my Instagram activity and liked my post. I would be open to dating her in the future, but there’s no question she is traumatized and needs time to heal from her abusive past, and I realize I can’t sit and wait for her. Even if she did, there’s no telling how we would work out, as she needs to break her pattern of attraction to toxic abusers. I'm also still frustrated at myself for not upholding my worth when she came over late that crappy night in July, but I can only learn from this experience.

Edited November 30, 2022 by Scotty Riggs

[ExpatInItaly]

It's best to actually go No Contact (including on social media) for good.

This is a dead end, man. She's been on and off, and the reasons aren't particularly relevant. The bottom line remains that she is not the woman for you. It's time for you to block and delete her everywhere. 

[JTSW]

I've ready through everything and it's clear this 'relationship' is done.

From the beginning she never knew what she wanted, and still doesn't. 

You were never right for each other.

You both ended on a good note so you should consider this chapter closed.

Time to move on.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

, she kept an eye on my Instagram.

that crappy night in July, 

This is a very long time to drag out a breakup and feel like you're in limbo.

You'll feel a lot better and more in control when you delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

That way you can move forward in peace and close this chapter once and for all.

[Scotty Riggs]

In the bigger picture, she’s a magnet for controlling, insecure narcissists who exploit her weak self-esteem. She’s likely addicted to the chaos of needing an abuser's love. How anyone of this mindset could ever learn to build a healthy, sustainable relationship is beyond me. She needs a great deal of healing, and she knows this.

I was a rebound, a temporary safe haven for a deeply traumatized and depressed woman. I doubt anything in my power could have persuaded her to choose me. Although she gradually opened up enough to share her troubled past and deep shame, I feel like I never truly knew her. And although we shared many positive experiences over six months, it simultaneously feels fraudulent, and I feel used.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Scotty Riggs said:

it simultaneously feels fraudulent, and I feel used.

Hopefully you will delete and block her. Examine and reflect on what your role was in what is commonly referred to as "White Knight Syndrome". Google it. Then perhaps explore that with your therapist.

[glows]

5 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

And although we shared many positive experiences over six months, it simultaneously feels fraudulent, and I feel used.

 

It seems you spent a great deal of time waiting for her to make up her mind or show you that you meant more to her. Actively staying behind for this or waiting for someone to change is something you can change in future. You’re not a victim. Seeing the role you played in this also means being honest with yourself and accountable for your mistakes such as waiting for a person like this to change. 

You have agency and power as well but with that comes being responsible for your own choices. 

And yes it’s a good idea to block and delete, completely move on. Again… choices.