I used D word in fight

[Januarygal]

Husband and I got into fight that got heated quickly. I was upset he went to work (after hours) and it took almost 2 hours. It seemed odd and this is second time this week he went to work after his job was closed. Hes in charge but currently has covid. So why he felt he had to go in bugged me plus the time to do a real quick thing.  Back story I have been through a traumatic past relationship with cheating and grew up that way covering and watching my mom lie and sneak. So i got trust issues and disappearing for a few hours triggers me. He knows this and has said often he understands and just talk to him about it. Anyway the fight when he got home was because he asked what was wrong and i told him it just made me super triggered and i hate that. He went off and yelled and cursed and yelling at me and talking to me made me wish I was single and i said “I can’t take this crap. Everytime you ask whats wrong and  i tell you, you freak out and scream. Im done I want out. “ than we both hit low saying stupid stuff and he said” you never loved me” he said fine tomorrow we can go start it. Also jabbed me for saying I hadn’t done anything for my daughter lately. I said you probably are cheating on me and basically we both acted like stupid jerks. Today I apologized for not acting civil and being an adult. He said are you done? I said yes and he went back to ignoring me. 
 

thing is we don’t fight like this so Im scared. We are stressed and quarantined and just got off a long vacation together where more things went wrong than right. But he has completely shut down and his tone, the way he looks at me everything is different. I don’t want to push or nag but im so mad at myself for that slip. That is something he takes very seriously. 17 anniversary in a few weeks…maybe

[glows]

There's nothing you can do to take back what you said or what he said. Leave it for the moment and think about your marriage as a whole. Do you genuinely suspect he's cheating on you? It doesn't make sense why he has to go to work after hours when the office has closed and he is sick or has tested positive with Covid. 

Instead of reacting, observe more. Come to your own conclusions if this marriage is a sham or if it's worth working on and saving. You don't need him to admit anything. All you have to do is take a look at what you're getting out of the marriage and whether it's sustainable in the long run.

[vla1120]

Have you had individual counseling to help you sort through your trust issues? I think this is what you need to do stat. The two of you also need to set down some ground rules on how to communicate with one another. This page has a good graphic with how to better communication (and I'm a firm believer in the benefit of learning the Gottman Four Horses of the Apocalypse):  https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Also, unless he has given you reason to be suspicious (hides his phone from you, secrecy, other red flags), give him the benefit of the doubt that he is going to work out of an obligation to support his family. It's extra hurtful when you're doing nothing wrong (on the contrary, putting in extra hours at the job to support your family) and you are met with suspicion or criticism by your spouse.

Don't beat yourself up. Just take responsibility for your role in the argument and let him know you want to work on yourself so that you do not have these suspicions. Hopefully, if you don't already have a therapist, you can get one soon so that you can take steps to improve your marriage (and let him know how much you love him and want to fix this.)

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Januarygal said:

I was upset he went to work (after hours) and it took almost 2 hours. It seemed odd and this is second time this week he went to work after his job was closed.

Also, next time he says he has to go to work after hours when it's closed, offer to go with him and keep him company. I spend a lot of time at my job after hours. When I was still married, my husband used to come with me to keep me company. If it's totally innocent, he shouldn't have a problem with you accompanying him.

[Januarygal]

Honestly he asked me to go with him but because the other night i sat in car over an hour I didn’t want to go. I don’t honestly think he was doing something but in that tine he is gone I do. And I know he only had to go fix something only he could but he had to wait till nobody was there because he has covid. Im impulsive with my emotions and I hate that about myself. I’m leaving him alone though I did apologize for my part of acting like an ass. Definitely need counseling because these trust issues are rooted in him.

[vla1120]

2 minutes ago, Januarygal said:

Honestly he asked me to go with him but because the other night i sat in car over an hour I didn’t want to go. I don’t honestly think he was doing something but in that tine he is gone I do. And I know he only had to go fix something only he could but he had to wait till nobody was there because he has covid. Im impulsive with my emotions and I hate that about myself. I’m leaving him alone though I did apologize for my part of acting like an ass. Definitely need counseling because these trust issues are rooted in him.

Find a counselor in your area, if you don't already have one. You can do counseling online, now, too. Meanwhile, take a look at that site I sent you. It really does have a lot of valuable information about how to communicate with one another. You can also probably do some research on how to better control your emotions and not let your mind go directly to the worst case scenario. Since you went with him to work the first time (even if you did sit in the car), you know he's not using that time to cheat. With seventeen years together, you two have a long history. If you don't normally fight like this, show him by your actions how you regret letting your emotions get out of control this time and how you want to work to make things better between the two of you. If he sees you making the effort, he'll hopefully follow suit. 

[Januarygal]

I definitely will work on myself and try to use different new fair ways to communicate. I do feel I too am owed an apology because he also said hurtful things and I definitely want him to give that to me. I have seem him like this once before we had a huge fight 10 years ago. Same sort of thing to stressed out people said hurtful things and it took 6 mths for him to even communicate like a human with me and I tried my butt off to fix things. He doesn’t admit fault that easily especially when I’m coming at him negative it gets that defensiveness horseman. So this will be tricky however I do think as a man he’s grown tons since that. I think I apologized kindly for my actions and went about my business. Hopefully in soon time he will want to. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It's unfortunate you've gotten to the "the only time we don't argue is when we're not talking to each other" stage.

Yes it's a red flag that 'Done' and 'Divorce' and other nuclear terms are being thrown around.. There's a powers struggle and a lot of hurt and contempt.

It's important to stop the "it triggers me" speech. Basically you are trying to manage your own jealousy by never letting him off-leash which of course is part of the resentment on both your parts.

Marriage therapy may help when the dust settles and cooler heads prevail.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Januarygal said:

Honestly he asked me to go with him but because the other night i sat in car over an hour I didn’t want to go. I don’t honestly think he was doing something but in that tine he is gone I do. And I know he only had to go fix something only he could but he had to wait till nobody was there because he has covid. Im impulsive with my emotions and I hate that about myself. I’m leaving him alone though I did apologize for my part of acting like an ass. Definitely need counseling because these trust issues are rooted in him.

I think this is a deeper issue (trust issues) that you'll have to fix in yourself in order to fix your marriage. It's been 17 years. I'm not sure why other relationships play any role at all at this point. Forgive me if this sounds callous but it does not make sense at all. 

Why are you impulsive with your emotions? Do you stay busy and productive? Do you feel like you're valued in the marriage or like you bring value to the marriage? What about as a person? Do you feel dehumanized or invalidated in any way by him, others in your family, relatives or people in general? In what ways can you work on your self-esteem and feel more confident about yourself as a woman or as a person? 

[Januarygal]

It runs deep for sure! I do feel taken advantage of often and talked down to by others not him normally at all but last night I did. I have no relationship with half my family because of abuse I suffered even as adult. I actually ended relationships with toxic ppl in my life over the last 10 years. Gradually. I never really got therapy either for it. My mother always made fun of me and my looks and told me since I can remember I wasn’t enough and shed be stuck with me forever. She loathed me yet it took me a long time to cut ties because I so desperately wanted a mother. Also growing up she constantly cheated on my dad and i was well aware and i think it festered in me that it would be my fait. At 44 i am probably the most insecure person I know. I got mad issues which lately seem to be overwhelming me. Especially since I’ve aged and gained some weight

[Januarygal]

I so appreciate all the advice. A few friends are telling me to go stay somewhere to make him wonder about me for a couple days. I wont taking that advice. 

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Januarygal said:

It runs deep for sure! I do feel taken advantage of often and talked down to by others not him normally at all but last night I did. I have no relationship with half my family because of abuse I suffered even as adult. I actually ended relationships with toxic ppl in my life over the last 10 years. Gradually. I never really got therapy either for it. My mother always made fun of me and my looks and told me since I can remember I wasn’t enough and shed be stuck with me forever. She loathed me yet it took me a long time to cut ties because I so desperately wanted a mother. Also growing up she constantly cheated on my dad and i was well aware and i think it festered in me that it would be my fait. At 44 i am probably the most insecure person I know. I got mad issues which lately seem to be overwhelming me. Especially since I’ve aged and gained some weight

I'm sorry to hear all this. Do you have a group of friends you are close with or can go to the gym with and start being more active?  Pick a sport or activity you like or have always wanted to try. There are always beginners and everyone has to start somewhere. Staying fit or active keeps your endorphin levels up and you feeling good about yourself rather than engaging in self-destructive thoughts. You're hurting yourself suspecting your husband of cheating if he isn't cheating or you know that he wouldn't do that.

I'd look into support and therapy to figure out what's happening since your childhood. There seems to be a lot of repressed anger and frustration stemming from since you were little. Do you both have children? They're watching your dynamic as parents. Who do you feel taken advantage of by? 

[Januarygal]

We have a 22 year old daughter! Alot of people I call friends or the people I work for. My husband and I are always the ones to help or volunteer because we like doing for others but at times especially since covid happened I have noticed it more. I work in healthcare and it came to my attention all those people we helped move or baby sit for or drove somewhere or did for never checked on us ir said hey how are you. It was just can you do something for me?? So I have cut my circle short. I needed to stop trying to be superwoman to everyone. I always was the nicest girl in school and always tried to compensate with being do kind and helpful to make up for the mess at home. 
 

i totally agree with the exercise or doing a class with a group. I need to not sit here staring at walls trying to figure out when my husband will talk to me

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Januarygal said:

We have a 22 year old daughter! Alot of people I call friends or the people I work for. My husband and I are always the ones to help or volunteer because we like doing for others but at times especially since covid happened I have noticed it more. I work in healthcare and it came to my attention all those people we helped move or baby sit for or drove somewhere or did for never checked on us ir said hey how are you. It was just can you do something for me?? So I have cut my circle short. I needed to stop trying to be superwoman to everyone. I always was the nicest girl in school and always tried to compensate with being do kind and helpful to make up for the mess at home. 
 

i totally agree with the exercise or doing a class with a group. I need to not sit here staring at walls trying to figure out when my husband will talk to me

Stay active and think about other things you can be accomplishing. Unless he's actively tearing you down or in your way and preventing you from growing, respect each others' space a bit more and do grow. Yes, don't bend over backwards for those who won't even bat an eyelid at you. 

[Januarygal]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Stay active and think about other things you can be accomplishing. Unless he's actively tearing you down or in your way and preventing you from growing, respect each others' space a bit more and do grow. Yes, don't bend over backwards for those who won't even bat an eyelid at you. 

Thank you so very much! I appreciate the honest feedback! In responding to last post about having a daughter that might be some of my issues too. She is now within last month moved out on her own and I feel lost and I’m probably putting that off on him too expecting him to make me feel valued. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Januarygal said:

Thank you so very much! I appreciate the honest feedback! In responding to last post about having a daughter that might be some of my issues too. She is now within last month moved out on her own and I feel lost and I’m probably putting that off on him too expecting him to make me feel valued. 

That’s a stressful time of transition for her… lots of things here, the pressure has been building for a while for both of you…

Time is a healer, he needs a bit more time and space. When he’s ready, you can talk. 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry that you're both in this situation.  However I don't agree that he needs to apologise to you when years of this has pushed him to the end of his tether.  It sounds like he's been very supportive over all these years, but everyone has a breaking point.   

I also agree with @Wiseman2 who said that it would be wise stop using the word 'triggered' and take ownership of what's really going on.  I suspect that there could be a diagnosis or two waiting for you and a lot of therapy and possibly medication needed to help you manage what's going on.   I agree with everyone who's said it will help both you and your marriage if you get yourself booked into therapy pronto.  Even if there's a waitlist, it would be important for him to see that you're being proactive about addressing this.  

I believe that with steps from you in addressing the cause of the behaviour, he will come around. 

 

[Januarygal]

I get what your are saying but I don’t feel two wrongs make a right he cursed and yelled at me and said some low things. And I apologized for my part because I was wrong. 
 

i have an appt with a therapist in 3 weeks. So hopefully that will help me not sure it will matter or not to him but I can’t do it for him I hotta do it for me. Ive hate feeling like I’m not enough. 
 

upon waking up I have covid too now. He keeps himself locked up in our guest room. Maybe when he goes back to work and starts getting back in his usual routine he will want to deal with me but clearly he doesn’t right now. 

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, Januarygal said:

It runs deep for sure! I do feel taken advantage of often and talked down to by others not him normally at all but last night I did. I have no relationship with half my family because of abuse I suffered even as adult. I actually ended relationships with toxic ppl in my life over the last 10 years. Gradually. I never really got therapy either for it. My mother always made fun of me and my looks and told me since I can remember I wasn’t enough and shed be stuck with me forever. She loathed me yet it took me a long time to cut ties because I so desperately wanted a mother. Also growing up she constantly cheated on my dad and i was well aware and i think it festered in me that it would be my fait. At 44 i am probably the most insecure person I know. I got mad issues which lately seem to be overwhelming me. Especially since I’ve aged and gained some weight

It sounds like you've had some of the same experiences I had growing up. It has taken me a LONG time to really get to know myself and recognize my self-worth. It took some intense therapy for me to get to this point. I had to address childhood abuse, a failed 32-yr marriage (with a cheating husband) and a failed 6-year marriage with a diagnosed NPD. Just in the past two years, I finally feel totally comfortable in my own skin and have set boundaries with the people I care about, and cut ties with any toxic people in my life. It's a journey, but I will tell you that the very first step in the process is to take full ownership of your own behavior and responses and retrain yourself to respond differently to situations that might otherwise "trigger" you. Hopefully, your therapy sessions go well and you connect with this new therapist. If not, keep trying therapists until you find one with whom you connect. Also, actions speak louder than words. Even if your husband will not speak to you right now, show him by your actions that you want to do your part to be better and do better and make this marriage work. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Januarygal said:

i have an appt with a therapist in 3 weeks. upon waking up I have covid too now. 

Why not get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Get some tests done. Rule out physical treatable problems. Supportive therapy is a good idea if there is highly charged chronic conflict like this.

[Januarygal]

15 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

It sounds like you've had some of the same experiences I had growing up. It has taken me a LONG time to really get to know myself and recognize my self-worth. It took some intense therapy for me to get to this point. I had to address childhood abuse, a failed 32-yr marriage (with a cheating husband) and a failed 6-year marriage with a diagnosed NPD. Just in the past two years, I finally feel totally comfortable in my own skin and have set boundaries with the people I care about, and cut ties with any toxic people in my life. It's a journey, but I will tell you that the very first step in the process is to take full ownership of your own behavior and responses and retrain yourself to respond differently to situations that might otherwise "trigger" you. Hopefully, your therapy sessions go well and you connect with this new therapist. If not, keep trying therapists until you find one with whom you connect. Also, actions speak louder than words. Even if your husband will not speak to you right now, show him by your actions that you want to do your part to be better and do better and make this marriage work. 

Bravo to you! I cant imagine how difficult that must be. I hope I can come out on top too. 

[Januarygal]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Get some tests done. Rule out physical treatable problems. Supportive therapy is a good idea if there is highly charged chronic conflict like this.

I did have a tons of tests run about a month ago by my dr for health because I was having trouble getting out of bed, no energy and tired all the time. Found out I was extremely vitamin d deficient. So Im on that added supplement and have started to feel a little bit better but its not instant. 

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, Januarygal said:

upon waking up I have covid too now.

I hope you are not feeling too badly. Take care.

[Januarygal]

Today husband came in to check on me and see if I needed anything. He saw positive covid test in trash and said he heard my coughing. He wanted to see if I needed anything.  Feeling ok thus far. It just feels like a bad cold so definitely lucky.

I’m feeling hopeful about my marriage now. We didn’t talk about fight. Just had lunch together and chatted a few times today. Again nothing about the fight but hopeful we can once we both feel well.  And move forward with fixing this mess. 

[BaileyB]

Glad to hear it.

I think you have good advice here - personally, I would begin with another apology and then I would tell him that I recognize I have some things to work on and I’m taking steps to do it… (counselling). Hopefully, he decides to join you in making your relationship healthier.